Friendship

[sweet_pea]

I saw a post in another thread and did not want to thread jack/was curious...

 

A poster said that her then friend told her that she could not support her being the OW (and the friendship ended, I assume) and then said that she wasn't a true friend.

 

Why is that?

 

If your choices violate your friends/families values, what should they do? If they do not support you, are they bad/untrue?

 

In this kind of situation, what would you consider a good/true friend?

[Owl]

I'd always thought that a "true" friend would help you make the "right" choices (as they saw them, of course). Not enable you to make the "wrong" ones (again, from their perspective).

 

And one should never let their "friends" compromise their own integrity or honor.

 

If there's that much of a disconnect in moral compass/viewpoints...the friendship probably wasn't meant to last anyway.

[whichwayisup]

I saw a post in another thread and did not want to thread jack/was curious...

 

A poster said that her then friend told her that she could not support her being the OW (and the friendship ended, I assume) and then said that she wasn't a true friend.

 

Why is that?

 

If your choices violate your friends/families values, what should they do? If they do not support you, are they bad/untrue?

 

In this kind of situation, what would you consider a good/true friend?

 

If anything, that person doesn't agree with the affair, doesn't want to have anything to do with or be caught up in it, know anything about it, rightfully so, an people have the right to not support their friends if they are having an A. Doesn't mean the friendship has to end, though. I remember someone posting on here last year, her friend totally distanced herself from her, then after the A was over, that friend was there for her support and help her get through the pain of it all.

[whichwayisup]

It would be interesting to know how they thought their friend should have acted. I mean to them would a real friend only be those who fully supported the affair, or would saying, what I think you are doing is wrong and I don't want to hear about it, been enough?

 

True, I'll add too, if the friend having the A tries to involve the other friend (covering for them, using the friend as an excuse, being part of the betrayal/lie) then that is very wrong to put the friend in that position. Not too many want to be part of the drama or stand by and watch their friend get hurt, which is why they step away.

[sweet_pea]

Thanks for sharing, y'all!

 

I would certainly like to hear some OW weigh in on the topic!!

[Poppy fields]

I was an OW.

 

I am interested in knowing who pulled the plug on the friendship. If it was the OW who ended it because she didn't want to be around someone who was not in total agreement with her choices, then I think that is very childish. If the the friend ended it because her morals made her feel she couldn't be friends with an OW, then I agree that she was not a true friend. A true friend does not have to agree with your choices, but can support you the best they can considering the circumstances. For example, the friend does not have to enable the affair, but can still love and respect her friend for the person she is as a whole. Not define her by one choice that she has made. People are more complex than that.

[waterwoman]

I was an OW.

 

I am interested in knowing who pulled the plug on the friendship. If it was the OW who ended it because she didn't want to be around someone who was not in total agreement with her choices, then I think that is very childish. If the the friend ended it because her morals made her feel she couldn't be friends with an OW, then I agree that she was not a true friend. A true friend does not have to agree with your choices, but can support you the best they can considering the circumstances. For example, the friend does not have to enable the affair, but can still love and respect her friend for the person she is as a whole. Not define her by one choice that she has made. People are more complex than that.

 

What poppy said. If you love someone enough to call them a friend, you trust that they don't do things lightly or without good reason, so support them as best you can.

[todreaminblue]

I saw a post in another thread and did not want to thread jack/was curious...

 

A poster said that her then friend told her that she could not support her being the OW (and the friendship ended, I assume) and then said that she wasn't a true friend.

 

Why is that?

 

If your choices violate your friends/families values, what should they do? If they do not support you, are they bad/untrue?

 

In this kind of situation, what would you consider a good/true friend?

 

supporting anything where your true friend would get hurt or be detrimental to his/her reputation is not being a true friend, my family and friends do adn have done things i dont agree with, i dont support them and i tell them to stop every time they ask for advice........i would hope they would do the same if i were to do somethign stupid......i cant make their life decisions but i can tell them what i know and why they shouldnt do whatever it is......if they listen i am there for them , if they dont listen i am there to pick up the pieces when it all goes to crap..i would never support an affair that is detrimental to all involved especially the unknowing party..being an untrue friend is someone who places their values onto their friendship and making people conform to them, friends have agency and choices of their own to make...., being untrue is having no understanding compassion or forgiveness on their behalf of th friendship in my opinion, i dont have friends or family like this thankfully...supporting an affair is wrong on many levels someone who participates in an affair is wrong....its not my place to judge them just to share what i feel tell them i dont support them , so honesty is paramount, they make their own choices and my friendship remains....deb

[freestyle]

My former best girlfriend was an OW for 5 years.

 

I didn't agree with what she was doing, but I still provided an ear, and a shoulder to cry on.......

 

Then, when I was betrayed by my SO, she couldn't reciprocate the support, it struck too much of a nerve with her........

 

I ended up feeling like a chump, after giving her hours of my time...and it hurt deeply.

 

 

So--I've directly experienced a friendship ending over being on different sides of the fence.

 

If it ever happens in my life again, with one of my other friends, I will back away. I'll be kind about it, but I don't ever want to go through that again.

 

I would expect a true friend to hit me with a 2x4 , if I was ever to get involved in anything that could have such a negative fallout.....

[PurpleGal]

My former best girlfriend was an OW for 5 years.

 

I didn't agree with what she was doing, but I still provided an ear, and a shoulder to cry on.......

 

Then, when I was betrayed by my SO, she couldn't reciprocate the support, it struck too much of a nerve with her........

 

I ended up feeling like a chump, after giving her hours of my time...and it hurt deeply.

 

 

So--I've directly experienced a friendship ending over being on different sides of the fence.

 

If it ever happens in my life again, with one of my other friends, I will back away. I'll be kind about it, but I don't ever want to go through that again.

 

I would expect a true friend to hit me with a 2x4 , if I was ever to get involved in anything that could have such a negative fallout.....

 

I'm sorry you experienced that. It sounds pretty crappy.

 

I agree with the 2x4 comment, as that's how I would approach my loved ones if I believed they were hurting themselves. But aligned with the original question, what to do after that? More 2x4s? Staying silent? Dropping the friendship? I tend to believe that after the initial vocalization of disapproval, the point has been made. I might ask to not be involved, but would stand by my friend if they hit a low point. I think you can disagree with someone's choices, yet love them as a person.

[freestyle]

I'm sorry you experienced that. It sounds pretty crappy.

 

I agree with the 2x4 comment, as that's how I would approach my loved ones if I believed they were hurting themselves. But aligned with the original question, what to do after that? More 2x4s? Staying silent? Dropping the friendship? I tend to believe that after the initial vocalization of disapproval, the point has been made. I might ask to not be involved, but would stand by my friend if they hit a low point. I think you can disagree with someone's choices, yet love them as a person.

 

That's the approach I did for all of those years--I looked at all of her qualities...

 

If it clarifies things a bit---she was trying to break free from the A--it was a back & forth push-pull thing for just over 5 years---which may have been part of why I was supportive of her. She did express guilt & remorse, so I didn't think she was a bad person. She claimed that they dated for 6 months before she found out he had a long-term gf, of over a decade.

 

And back then---I really had NO idea, just how devastating infidelity to could be for the betrayed partner. It was just a concept to me then, something I'd never given much mind to.

 

So, once I really knew that pain--I did start to view her in a different light, somewhat.

 

I found out a year after ending the friendship that she in fact, had been a serial OW---so that was quite a mind f*ck for me, too. She even tried to seduce one of our mutual married friends. (he tipped me off about it , a year later---he saw how hurt I was over the friendship ending...)

[Got it]

I saw a post in another thread and did not want to thread jack/was curious...

 

A poster said that her then friend told her that she could not support her being the OW (and the friendship ended, I assume) and then said that she wasn't a true friend.

 

Why is that?

 

If your choices violate your friends/families values, what should they do? If they do not support you, are they bad/untrue?

 

In this kind of situation, what would you consider a good/true friend?

 

This is a situation where I think each party has to respect their own best interest/boundaries and can't be everything for everyone and it is what it is.

 

I had friends that while they were fearful of the affair and its potential impact on me, and definitely did not sugarcoat their thoughts, they still were there supporting me, just not always my actions.

 

I lost one friend somewhat tied to the affair. I didn't like the way she treated me or dMM or her preconceived assumptions on him. The ironic piece, she too was an OW but the affair were very different so she was very critical of the increased time, involvement, and energy I got from him. I took it as more of a reflection of her/her situation and dropped the friendship when she wasn't willing to discuss and work through it.

 

I tend to look at the big picture and evaluate the value the person brings to my life. If they are not bring me value then I will drop them. But I try and differentiate short term and long term and give a fairly decent look back period to make the evaluation.

 

In many cases, I just look at it like a square peg/round hole. It isn't me, it isn't them, we just don't mesh any longer. Doesn't mean we can't again in the future, or never.

 

While I would understand to a degree if someone felt that my life caused them consternation in their life and that it was a dealbreaker I would not mourn that friendship. But I too have had to end friendships at times because I could no longer stomach their unhappiness and refusal to change things. I had one friend (who I am good friends with again) who while in college was in a very abusive relationship. I would hear story after story, I would talk until I was blue in the face, I tried soft love, tough love, no love and no changes. Finally I just accepted that whatever this was she got some level of "something" from it that outweighed the bad but I could no longer sit here and watch it. It made me feel too frustrated and . . . impotent. That I had to walk away. I couldn't make her change her life, I couldn't reason her out of it, she had to walk her path and I accepted that. I just couldn't watch it any longer as I loved her too much to see her constantly hurt.

 

So that is one I distanced myself from. We reconnected a few years later and have been friends every since. She was the one who was not cheerleading my affair but said she loved me and supported me. I think if I had been miserable during it she would have used that to try and effect change but she stayed supportive and fairly neutral.

 

It's a grey thing.