GreySkyMorning Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Some days are easier than others, like today. I've been looking back today at what I'm really missing and how much of it was authentic and not. The things I'd been missing the most were only in my head and my own perceptions. None of it was based in reality. Most of our relationship only existed for me, not in his real life. I had built up this grand image of undying love, the "meant to be together", the real thing, the future together, being in his life full time...all of that was only in my head, never his. He showed me his reality repeatedly and I refused to see it because I wanted to cling to my own version. So when I take my version out of it and look at the actual picture, what did I lose? Text messages, a handful of phone calls over the two years, and seeing him in person once a month or so for sex. The friendship I thought was there wasn't a friendship at all. I can call my friends at any time, I can count on them to be there for me, I can share my life (good and bad stuff) with them, I don't have to hide my relationship with them from anyone, I'm proud of our friendship. What I had with him was nothing like that. I couldn't count on him to be there for me because he couldn't be there if I needed him. I couldn't call him if I desperately needed to talk because he might be with his wife. I couldn't talk to very many other people about him because my real friends tried to get me to open my eyes and I was embarrassed that I kept going back to this place where I was allowing myself to be hurt over and over. I couldn't even look my kids in the eyes because I was showing them that it was ok to treat a woman that way and be treated that way. I was teaching my kids that marriage and commitment mean nothing at all. My daughter is 13. I would seriously hurt any man that treated her that way. I had NO self respect or self esteem at all. All I was to this man was far less than he ever meant to me. And I should have been able to see that all along. I turned into someone I didn't even recognize or especially even like during our relationship. I said and did things that I'm so ashamed of, just to try to keep him and make him love me. I don't even know who I was during the last year, at least. This is not what I want or need in my life. I WANT to be someone's one and only and I want someone to be mine. I want to be a priority to the man I love down the road. I want a real best friend in the man I love. I want to share my life and be able to look in his eyes and say "did you see that". I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms and I want so bad to completely trust him. I don't mean him as in MM, but a "him" that deserves my love and loves me just as much in return. I deserve the time and the flowers and the snuggling on the couch and the friendship and everything else that a relationship is supposed to consist of and never was. 19 Link to post Share on other sites
DelusionalOne Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes you wonder "how the hell did THIS become my life? This is not who I am! And definitely not who I want to be." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 With the exception of having a kid, I could have written that exact post. But, like everyone keeps saying here... hopefully we'll get to that point of "enough is enough" (those of us still in the A.) I can feel myself starting to accept the realities, like the ones you pointed out. And I'm starting to drift away from him and it feels really good. But, when he comes on strong again, I am weak. Anyway, thanks for posting. It sucks but its comforting to know someone else went through the exact same thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted April 9, 2013 Share Posted April 9, 2013 Were we seeing the same guy? It's crazy how in my heart I thought I was totally the exception...I swore that I had never loved anyone more then him...but in my head I think I knew better. I still get so angry when I think about what little I settled for and for the life of me I will never understand why I wanted it so bad. It sounds like you're dealing with it well. I personally can't wait for the day when he is out of my head (and heart) completely. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
tryingto Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 I am over 4 months NC (with the exception of a slight blip 2 1/2 months ago). I am at such a similar point and appreciated seeing what I was feeling in your words. Thank you for writing so clearly some of the thoughts/feelings I have been trying to understand. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 what a great post, OP i believe that's a turning point. when fantasy leaves completely and you are able to see the A for what it really was. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Greysky, I will be hunting down this post every time that I feel like I miss my xOMM and anything related to my A. You couldn't have said it any better. I could have written some of what you said in your post. I have also realized that he will never be there for me. Funny thing is, even though I am married as well, I went out of my way to be there for my xOMM when he needed my company, when I didn't have to at all. He NEVER once went out of his way. That is one of the things that I regret. And nope, the friendship wasn't really even a friendship. He never even had a cup of coffee with me in public in the 2 years that this was going on. Your last paragraph brought me to tears. You WILL find someone like that, trust me. My H is that person for me. The fact that he has looked past my A has made him even more wonderful in my eyes. You will find that person as well, someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and sees you as the 'ONLY' woman in his life, and he will be your only man. :-) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 That is a very good post. I hope it brought you some relief to write it. You're not really that same person anymore, already. Now, you know clearly what you want. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Athens Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 The ability to see that relationship, or really any relationship for what it is is painful. I think by nature, most affairs are about settling for much less, especially if you are single. Most affairs are destructive to all involved, and considering what I am going through with the OW it was good perspective to see the other side. I am not excusing the OW and her hurtful actions post DDay, but maybe she is hurting more than I thought and if she is self reflective like you maybe she will heal and go on her way. I agree with others, settling is no way to live....demand what you are worth out of any relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Some days are easier than others, like today. I've been looking back today at what I'm really missing and how much of it was authentic and not. The things I'd been missing the most were only in my head and my own perceptions. None of it was based in reality. Most of our relationship only existed for me, not in his real life. I had built up this grand image of undying love, the "meant to be together", the real thing, the future together, being in his life full time...all of that was only in my head, never his. He showed me his reality repeatedly and I refused to see it because I wanted to cling to my own version. So when I take my version out of it and look at the actual picture, what did I lose? Text messages, a handful of phone calls over the two years, and seeing him in person once a month or so for sex. The friendship I thought was there wasn't a friendship at all. I can call my friends at any time, I can count on them to be there for me, I can share my life (good and bad stuff) with them, I don't have to hide my relationship with them from anyone, I'm proud of our friendship. What I had with him was nothing like that. I couldn't count on him to be there for me because he couldn't be there if I needed him. I couldn't call him if I desperately needed to talk because he might be with his wife. I couldn't talk to very many other people about him because my real friends tried to get me to open my eyes and I was embarrassed that I kept going back to this place where I was allowing myself to be hurt over and over. I couldn't even look my kids in the eyes because I was showing them that it was ok to treat a woman that way and be treated that way. I was teaching my kids that marriage and commitment mean nothing at all. My daughter is 13. I would seriously hurt any man that treated her that way. I had NO self respect or self esteem at all. All I was to this man was far less than he ever meant to me. And I should have been able to see that all along. I turned into someone I didn't even recognize or especially even like during our relationship. I said and did things that I'm so ashamed of, just to try to keep him and make him love me. I don't even know who I was during the last year, at least. This is not what I want or need in my life. I WANT to be someone's one and only and I want someone to be mine. I want to be a priority to the man I love down the road. I want a real best friend in the man I love. I want to share my life and be able to look in his eyes and say "did you see that". I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms and I want so bad to completely trust him. I don't mean him as in MM, but a "him" that deserves my love and loves me just as much in return. I deserve the time and the flowers and the snuggling on the couch and the friendship and everything else that a relationship is supposed to consist of and never was. This is one of the best posts I've read here in a long time. Re the bold; what a powerful, and oh, so true statement for some OW, especially once you are out of the relationship and can look at things honestly. Just that statement floored me! I can certainly relate and I've been out of the a for over 2 years. I hope you stick around OP, as I think you have a lot of insight that others may find invaluable. Great post!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 This is a GREAT post!!!! Shows how strong you are!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreySkyMorning Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 The ability to see that relationship, or really any relationship for what it is is painful. I think by nature, most affairs are about settling for much less, especially if you are single. Most affairs are destructive to all involved, and considering what I am going through with the OW it was good perspective to see the other side. I am not excusing the OW and her hurtful actions post DDay, but maybe she is hurting more than I thought and if she is self reflective like you maybe she will heal and go on her way. I agree with others, settling is no way to live....demand what you are worth out of any relationship. I obviously don't know the dynamics with the OW in your situation. Chances are, she's hurting tremendously too, even if it WAS self inflicted. In my story, I didn't imagine or make up the way he acted and made me believe he felt. I loved this man long before she ever knew he existed. I deeply and truly loved him. I wanted a life with him. Yes, I knew every single day that what was happening was very wrong. I didn't wake up one day and just decide to screw his wife over. Its no excuse for my behavior, but I loved him with every part of me. There wasnt a day that went by that he didnt tell me he loved me too. He promised me he wouldnt leave, that I meant so much to him, that I was so important to him. So, at the end when she found out and suddenly he changed, I was devastated. I wanted to believe the fairy tale and all of a sudden, none of it was the truth. Suddenly, I meant nothing at all to him anymore. On march 4, he was telling me he loved me. On march 5, he was telling me to never speak to him again. Nothing excuses the way she's acting, I know. But give her time. Maybe she'll come around. I know its nothing like what you went through, but she got slapped with a hard blow too maybe. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Thank you for sharing this and opening up about your feelings and your story. I hope that your story resonates with others here and by the sounds of it, you have already touched a few people. Take good care of yourself. The cloud has now been lifted and Im glad you can see things for what they truly are. xoxo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Great post - amazing how many similarities there are in all of our xMM's. Crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 This just made me sad. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Nobody should have to feel as if their relationship is only fleeting, and that it is nowhere near what they need. Feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Washingmachine1980 Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 Agree with all of you here. Wish I would have just walked away when the MM was chasing after me but, I truly believed he cared for me. I wasted so time and money going to see this guy. I was in his area and passed him the other day on the interstate. I looked over and once I realized it was him I just turned around and kept on driving. He started driving really slow behind me. Seriously, did he think I was going follow him and beg him to come back to me? Did he forget that he pursued me and not the other way around. The egos these guys have are amazing!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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