Seperating

[ALAACJ]

I have been reading stories on this site all day and want to share my own.

 

My wife and I have been married for 8 (almost 9) years and we have been together for 13 years total. We have 3 wonderful children 7(almost 8), 5(almost 6), and 3. We are both 32 years old. Last week, my wife told me that she wants to get seperated. She said that she has been unhappy for a long time and can't continue on like this. We have been just roomates lately and not a couple, let alone lovers. She says that she has no attraction to me at all and when she thinks of us seperating and thinks about me being with another woman, she feels nothing. She also said that I deserve better than that. These were very hard things to hear especially when they were said devoid of all emotion; no tears, no sadness, no anger, no regret; just straightforward matter of factness.

 

I can probably write a book about this all, so I will only try to touch on the important things. There was no specfic event that caused it, but rather the culmination of everything that has happened during a 13 year relationship. Here is our current situation. I work from home from 5am - 2pm. My wife usually wakes up at 4:30 or earlier, works out for 1.5 hours, (endurance training), then gets ready for work and drops the kids off at school. I help get the kids breakfast and make lunches if I don't have an important conference call. I then pick the kids up from school, take them to swimming, soccer, t-ball, etc. I work on homework with the kids every night, make a home cooked dinner 4-5 nights per week, clean, do laundry, etc. I also take care of 100% of our finances. I often get compliments from friends about how much I am willing/can do, so I am certainly not lacking in that department. I honestly don't mind doing all this and it has only been like this for the last 12 months. Before that I worked 8-5 in an office and she worked part time and took care of 80% of the kid and house stuff. 1 year ago, we moved across the country so she could take a full time job. She also really started to get involved in this endurance sport scene so there have been many changes in our lives.

 

I am positive that she is not cheating on me in a physical sense and I don't think that she has a plan, but I do suspect that a new friend that she recently met has been the catalyst to this seperation.

 

We met in college and we were both very inexperienced in relationships prior to this. My wife brought alot of emotional issues with her from her childhood and there was a lot of drama early on. I have always been a laid back guy and I have never saught conforntation, but in this relationship there was alot of fighting. I was warned from several significant people in my life that I should avoid this girl, but I loved her and knowing what she had gone thru in her past, I wanted to be there for her and I was willing to endure this. I ended up losing a lot of relationships. I fear that as a result of some of this, I became very defensive and as such, I have not been there for her emotional needs since the very beginning of this relationship and now her tank is on empty.

 

As I write this I am realizing a lot. My wife has had trouble making close friends all her life, she has never truly fit in anywhere. But I was always there for her to fall back on. When we moved, she became part of a community that accepted her. She has made genuine friends outside of the marraige for the first time and she is getting a taste of something else, something that she likes. I have been genuinely happy for what she has found here as she has found her element and she is thriving now. Maybe I don't fit into this new scene. When I think about this new relationship, I believe that he has given her some type of emotional support that I have failed to for so long. Now, she wants to find out what it is all about, what it really means. I fear that I need to let her pursue it so that she can find out that it is not as great as it seems and what she really wants is what she already has. How do I that? What if takes too long and by the time she realizes it, too much has changed and we can't go back?

 

I did not expect my story to take this turn as I wrote.

[Wickedgurl]

Can you try counseling? If not for your marriage then just for you? Don't wait around for her to decide if she wants you later. You deserve happiness now!! For the sake of the kids see if she's open to couples therapy or even a weekend divorce buster Christian retreat. It may be that you've grown apart. It doesn't seem like you share common interests and that makes it hard to connect. But don't be a doormat!! Divorce sucks but if you do get to that point do it knowing you tried everything you could.

[loquita1]

wow i feel that you are writing about my husband. He himself says he's "damaged" and he hasn't fit in. my family accepted him. He tells me i can do better. we been seperated for a while but still do everything together just live in diff. homes. i think its come to the point that i need to let go. its so hard. praying for you!

[thefooloftheyear]

I have been reading stories on this site all day and want to share my own.

 

My wife and I have been married for 8 (almost 9) years and we have been together for 13 years total. We have 3 wonderful children 7(almost 8), 5(almost 6), and 3. We are both 32 years old. Last week, my wife told me that she wants to get seperated. She said that she has been unhappy for a long time and can't continue on like this. We have been just roomates lately and not a couple, let alone lovers. She says that she has no attraction to me at all and when she thinks of us seperating and thinks about me being with another woman, she feels nothing. She also said that I deserve better than that. These were very hard things to hear especially when they were said devoid of all emotion; no tears, no sadness, no anger, no regret; just straightforward matter of factness.

 

I can probably write a book about this all, so I will only try to touch on the important things. There was no specfic event that caused it, but rather the culmination of everything that has happened during a 13 year relationship. Here is our current situation. I work from home from 5am - 2pm. My wife usually wakes up at 4:30 or earlier, works out for 1.5 hours, (endurance training), then gets ready for work and drops the kids off at school. I help get the kids breakfast and make lunches if I don't have an important conference call. I then pick the kids up from school, take them to swimming, soccer, t-ball, etc. I work on homework with the kids every night, make a home cooked dinner 4-5 nights per week, clean, do laundry, etc. I also take care of 100% of our finances. I often get compliments from friends about how much I am willing/can do, so I am certainly not lacking in that department. I honestly don't mind doing all this and it has only been like this for the last 12 months. Before that I worked 8-5 in an office and she worked part time and took care of 80% of the kid and house stuff. 1 year ago, we moved across the country so she could take a full time job. She also really started to get involved in this endurance sport scene so there have been many changes in our lives.

 

I am positive that she is not cheating on me in a physical sense and I don't think that she has a plan, but I do suspect that a new friend that she recently met has been the catalyst to this seperation.

 

We met in college and we were both very inexperienced in relationships prior to this. My wife brought alot of emotional issues with her from her childhood and there was a lot of drama early on. I have always been a laid back guy and I have never saught conforntation, but in this relationship there was alot of fighting. I was warned from several significant people in my life that I should avoid this girl, but I loved her and knowing what she had gone thru in her past, I wanted to be there for her and I was willing to endure this. I ended up losing a lot of relationships. I fear that as a result of some of this, I became very defensive and as such, I have not been there for her emotional needs since the very beginning of this relationship and now her tank is on empty.

 

As I write this I am realizing a lot. My wife has had trouble making close friends all her life, she has never truly fit in anywhere. But I was always there for her to fall back on. When we moved, she became part of a community that accepted her. She has made genuine friends outside of the marraige for the first time and she is getting a taste of something else, something that she likes. I have been genuinely happy for what she has found here as she has found her element and she is thriving now. Maybe I don't fit into this new scene. When I think about this new relationship, I believe that he has given her some type of emotional support that I have failed to for so long. Now, she wants to find out what it is all about, what it really means. I fear that I need to let her pursue it so that she can find out that it is not as great as it seems and what she really wants is what she already has. How do I that? What if takes too long and by the time she realizes it, too much has changed and we can't go back?

 

I did not expect my story to take this turn as I wrote.

 

Look at the bolded part..there may be problems, but I doubt any mother wants to put little kids through this unless she was getting a push..A big push, perhaps..Id be on the lookout for any other signs..

 

I wish you well

 

TFOY

[Gunny376]

Serendipity ~

 

 

 

Definition of SERENDIPITY

 

: the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for; also: an instance of this

 

That's what your dealing with here? I've seen it sweep through base housing like wild fire from one end of the block to the other! All it takes is one PO wife that decides to cheat!

 

You've got a fox in the hen house for sure and certain! It might not be another man, a lover, but someone is trying to convince her for sure and certain that she's crazy for being happy and content with what she has with you?

 

They do it to justify , rationalize, in their own minds ~ thier own cheating.

[revitup]

Been there seen that!

 

There is an "outside" force.Do not think this is all your fault my man.I have been told the same exact things as you....it ain't good.The lack of emotion in her is a huge sign.

 

REVITUP

[worldgonewrong]

She says that she has no attraction to me at all and when she thinks of us seperating and thinks about me being with another woman, she feels nothing.

 

This is a warning sign that there probably IS a physical thing happening on the side.

There's a high chance she has already physically bonded with another guy, therefore sees no problem in you being with another woman.

Lots of guys here have gotten this same shpiel from a wayward wife, in some form or another. I certainly did.

[ALAACJ]

So, yesterday I got this sneaky suspician that she was going to have dinner with the OM. I just felt it and I it was consuming me. I asked a mutual friend of ours what to do and she advised me to stop it from happening, to do something to save the marraige. So, I questioned her. I wrote this, "after a lot of thought, I realize there is another guy out there that you are thinking about, a specific guy who has been there for you, a guy who has made you think that somebody other than me can give you the emotional support that I have failed to give you for the last 10 years. I think you might be having dinner with this guy tonight. I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. I risk alienating you if even more if I ask not to go. But, if you do go, if you have dinner with [OM - i called out by name], I cringe at what might happen. I know you will do this no matter what I say, but I need you to know that I don't like this. I want you to just come home and be mw wife."

 

She denied it, said it had nothing to do with this OM, and got very pissed off. This is a normal behavioral pattern for her. I still don't believe that anything physical has happened between them, and she may not be ready to admit to anybody, possbly even to herself that she is feeling this way towards him, but I can't shake the feeling that it is. Especially since this wouldn't be the first time. Shortly after we got married and before we had kids, she cheated on me. She didn't have sex with the guy, but she told me they kissed and could have had sex if she wanted to. She was very sincere in her apology and begged me to take her back, so I did. Yet, she continued to carry on conversations with him, even after she told me about it, she ended up breaking off communication with him after about a week, realizing it was a bad idea if the marraige was going to work.

 

I feel like an idiot everytime I start writing stuff about this. The writing has been there on the wall this whole time and I have just turned a blind eye toward it. I am starting to think that this whole marraige was a big mistake and we will never be happy together again. I want to give up, its just so painful. I can't do that to my kids though. She said she would go to MC with me, so I am working on setting that up, but when she said it, it felt more like a lets do that so I can check it off the list kind of thing. She also said if I just wanted to get a divorce based on what she has said, she would do that too....like she was trying to push the decision on me so that she wouldn't fel bad about doing it herself. ahhhhhh

[2sunny]

She's cheating.

 

Who did she say she was having dinner with?

 

When there's nothing to hide - people hide nothing.

 

And folks only get angry when they are guilty and trying to distract you from what's real.

 

Serve her with divorce papers. That ought to send her a clear message that she shouldn't act sneaky!

 

Move your money and cut her off of credit cards access! Change the locks today!

 

Tell her the bags are packed and on the front lawn - come pick them up!

[TheBladeRunner]

So, yesterday I got this sneaky suspician that she was going to have dinner with the OM. I just felt it and I it was consuming me. I asked a mutual friend of ours what to do and she advised me to stop it from happening, to do something to save the marraige. So, I questioned her. I wrote this, "after a lot of thought, I realize there is another guy out there that you are thinking about, a specific guy who has been there for you, a guy who has made you think that somebody other than me can give you the emotional support that I have failed to give you for the last 10 years. I think you might be having dinner with this guy tonight. I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. I risk alienating you if even more if I ask not to go. But, if you do go, if you have dinner with [OM - i called out by name], I cringe at what might happen. I know you will do this no matter what I say, but I need you to know that I don't like this. I want you to just come home and be mw wife."

 

She denied it, said it had nothing to do with this OM, and got very pissed off. This is a normal behavioral pattern for her. I still don't believe that anything physical has happened between them, and she may not be ready to admit to anybody, possbly even to herself that she is feeling this way towards him, but I can't shake the feeling that it is. Especially since this wouldn't be the first time. Shortly after we got married and before we had kids, she cheated on me. She didn't have sex with the guy, but she told me they kissed and could have had sex if she wanted to. She was very sincere in her apology and begged me to take her back, so I did. Yet, she continued to carry on conversations with him, even after she told me about it, she ended up breaking off communication with him after about a week, realizing it was a bad idea if the marraige was going to work.

 

I feel like an idiot everytime I start writing stuff about this. The writing has been there on the wall this whole time and I have just turned a blind eye toward it. I am starting to think that this whole marraige was a big mistake and we will never be happy together again. I want to give up, its just so painful. I can't do that to my kids though. She said she would go to MC with me, so I am working on setting that up, but when she said it, it felt more like a lets do that so I can check it off the list kind of thing. She also said if I just wanted to get a divorce based on what she has said, she would do that too....like she was trying to push the decision on me so that she wouldn't fel bad about doing it herself. ahhhhhh

 

Read the bolded stuff; of course she's pissed off, she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Mine did the same sh$%! I see there is a grass is greener" (gigs) thread on this forum, I think we may need to start a "caught with hands in the cookie jar" (CWHICJ) thread . It never ceases to amaze me how hacked off they are when they get caught. Good luck with everything.

[Gunny376]

I'd put her azz to the curb so quick that it would make her head spin? Especially considering that you and her have already strolled down this merry little road once before.

 

I wouldn't invest not one single more nano second of my precsious life with this woman. Life is just too damned short to be wasting it on someone like this.

 

I'm 55 and I've got a whole lot less years ahead of me than I've got behind me. You can bet your azz and last bottom dollar that I plan on spending them on someone such as you've described in heartfelt misery, grief.

[MsOptimist]

I am sorry you are going through this - you share many similarities to my story so I wanted to weigh in on some of the similar points. I am also 32, was married 9.5 years, together about 13, we met in college, and my exH also had a hard time fitting in. When he got his most recent job in the past 2 years, that's when things began shifting and likely led to his idea of growing apart.

 

My exH said the same things to me and in the same way - devoid of emotion, very matter of fact, denied cheating. He still denies that he ever physically cheated prior to separation, but I am willing to bet anything he was emotionally leaning on some other woman. He did eventually admit to wanting to find greener grass.

 

Be careful of her willingness to try MC - it's a good thing she's willing to consider it, but be prepared for her to throw you under the bus in the sessions. That's exactly what my exH did to me. He agreed to go to "help me get through this," and then proceeded to spend the entire session blaming me for everything and getting very defensive. He was not open to actually working on the marriage. As someone else suggested, start IC for yourself.

 

I am into endurance sports and it did change me in ways I never expected. It allowed me gain a LOT more confidence in myself and knowing without a doubt that I am capable of doing ANYTHING. She may be feeling that she is growing as a person and that she's growing in a different direction than you - that is not exactly what happened in my marriage with regard to endurance sports, but weird dynamics (like jealousy) did come into play when my exH and I did get into things like that (he eventually got into endurance sports too, more as a result of me doing so and it eventually turned into an unhealthy competition of sorts).

 

When my exH gave me the same speech I knew I simply had to pick up my own pieces and move on, and that's my advice to you. Be there for your kids and start processing that this is happening. If you continue to beg and plead or confront her on things, she will get angry and defensive - been there, done that. Didn't do a darn thing.

 

Once I was moved out and cutting all ties, it was then that he realized what the hell he was doing, and that the grass wasn't all that green. He tried to come crawling back, but by that point I knew that I was better off moving on without him. I think you will be too.

Edited April 10, 2013 by MsOptimist

[ALAACJ]

MsOptimist - what is your endurance sport of choice? My wife's (do I still call her that) is Triathlon while I enjoy Trail Running/Ultramarathons. One could say that I actually got her invloved in her sport since I started running marathons which evolved into ultramarathons. I all but gave that up when she started up though

[2sunny]

You shouldn't have to give up things you love for anyone!

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist - what is your endurance sport of choice? My wife's (do I still call her that) is Triathlon while I enjoy Trail Running/Ultramarathons. One could say that I actually got her invloved in her sport since I started running marathons which evolved into ultramarathons. I all but gave that up when she started up though

 

Interesting, based on your first post I got the impression that you weren't an endurance athlete. I am sorry that you gave that up when she started getting into - was it due to time constraints and schedules with the kids/work? I know how much time is spent training.

 

I am a marathoner with the hopes of becoming an ultramarathoner (hoping to do my first 50k or 50 miler in 2014). My exH and I were both fairly athletic, me with yoga, and soccer and bowling leagues with him. He played hockey and rode motocross.

 

I began running 5ks and then kept wanting to go further - 10 milers, half marathons, then full. That's what got him started on running, even though he did not like running (back and knee issues from a long time ago) - I would beat him in every race we ran together and he didn't think that "someone like me" should be able to beat him. He only ran half marathons because I was doing it, and eventually it turned into unhealthy competition.

 

In the last year he got into triathlons. That's something that I want to do someday as well, but am a terrible swimmer. Running is my passion and tris would be more for fun and a good reason to cross train more. He is an excellent swimmer and biker, so naturally he was "better" than me right off the bat at tris. He constantly gave me **** about not improving my swimming, even though I had goal races on my calendar that I was training for and I didn't want to focus on tris at that time.

 

My lack of swimming focus is one of the many BS reasons he gave me for "not being a motivated person."

[Wickedgurl]

I am sorry you are going through this - you share many similarities to my story so I wanted to weigh in on some of the similar points. I am also 32, was married 9.5 years, together about 13, we met in college, and my exH also had a hard time fitting in. When he got his most recent job in the past 2 years, that's when things began shifting and likely led to his idea of growing apart.

 

My exH said the same things to me and in the same way - devoid of emotion, very matter of fact, denied cheating. He still denies that he ever physically cheated prior to separation, but I am willing to bet anything he was emotionally leaning on some other woman. He did eventually admit to wanting to find greener grass.

 

Be careful of her willingness to try MC - it's a good thing she's willing to consider it, but be prepared for her to throw you under the bus in the sessions. That's exactly what my exH did to me. He agreed to go to "help me get through this," and then proceeded to spend the entire session blaming me for everything and getting very defensive. He was not open to actually working on the marriage. As someone else suggested, start IC for yourself.

 

I am into endurance sports and it did change me in ways I never expected. It allowed me gain a LOT more confidence in myself and knowing without a doubt that I am capable of doing ANYTHING. She may be feeling that she is growing as a person and that she's growing in a different direction than you - that is not exactly what happened in my marriage with regard to endurance sports, but weird dynamics (like jealousy) did come into play when my exH and I did get into things like that (he eventually got into endurance sports too, more as a result of me doing so and it eventually turned into an unhealthy competition of sorts).

 

When my exH gave me the same speech I knew I simply had to pick up my own pieces and move on, and that's my advice to you. Be there for your kids and start processing that this is happening. If you continue to beg and plead or confront her on things, she will get angry and defensive - been there, done that. Didn't do a darn thing.

 

Once I was moved out and cutting all ties, it was then that he realized what the hell he was doing, and that the grass wasn't all that green. He tried to come crawling back, but by that point I knew that I was better off moving on without him. I think you will be too.

 

My Stbxh did the same thing! Spent the time at the MC pointing out all my faults and blaming me for the dissolving marriage. At my ind session the counselor looked at me and said "run! This guy will never be happy will always blame you for his misery and there's nothing you can do about it".

I am still reeling from the thought that twenty years is ending this way when I did my best to hold it all together. But the nice thing? I've discovered how many ppl do love me and support me and it is so nice knowing what's on the other side of the door when I get home at night=peace. Good luck

[ALAACJ]

I am a marathoner with the hopes of becoming an ultramarathoner I began running 5ks and then kept wanting to go further - 10 milers, half marathons, then full.

 

MsOptimist - we do have a ton in common! I may be out of line here, apologies if I am, but I would like to talk to you outside of this forum sometime. You seem like you really understand my situation and I need as many sympathetic ears as I can get right now.

[MsOptimist]

My Stbxh did the same thing! Spent the time at the MC pointing out all my faults and blaming me for the dissolving marriage. At my ind session the counselor looked at me and said "run! This guy will never be happy will always blame you for his misery and there's nothing you can do about it".

I am still reeling from the thought that twenty years is ending this way when I did my best to hold it all together. But the nice thing? I've discovered how many ppl do love me and support me and it is so nice knowing what's on the other side of the door when I get home at night=peace. Good luck

 

My therapist basically said the same thing! He said that if there was a chance at making my marriage work that he would need extensive individual counseling on top of marriage counseling - something that he was not willing to do.

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist - we do have a ton in common! I may be out of line here, apologies if I am, but I would like to talk to you outside of this forum sometime. You seem like you really understand my situation and I need as many sympathetic ears as I can get right now.

 

Feel free to PM me - you may not be able to until you reach a certain number of posts. You do need as much support as you can get right now. Many of us here have been through very similar situations, so know that you are not alone in this disaster. You have to walk through the pain, and it does get better with time. I still have a long way to go, but I've come a LONG way from those initial days and weeks.

 

And running has helped me every step of the way. I have gotten a PR in every single race since my separation, even the half marathon that I was in the middle of training for when he dropped the bomb on me. My training nosedived but I still kept running whenever and whatever I felt like or could manage and did not care about pace. Race weekend was hectic, felt like I had a cold coming on, forgot my watch on race morning, and went out and PR'd! That was a good feeling

 

So if your running has fallen by the wayside recently - get back out there!

[2sunny]

Is your wife willing to change?

 

If she's not willing to change - and make your M her TOP priority - there's nothing you can do to help this situation except to give her the divorce since she's not acting married.

[2sunny]

So, yesterday I got this sneaky suspician that she was going to have dinner with the OM. I just felt it and I it was consuming me. I asked a mutual friend of ours what to do and she advised me to stop it from happening, to do something to save the marraige. So, I questioned her. I wrote this, "after a lot of thought, I realize there is another guy out there that you are thinking about, a specific guy who has been there for you, a guy who has made you think that somebody other than me can give you the emotional support that I have failed to give you for the last 10 years. I think you might be having dinner with this guy tonight. I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. I risk alienating you if even more if I ask not to go. But, if you do go, if you have dinner with [OM - i called out by name], I cringe at what might happen. I know you will do this no matter what I say, but I need you to know that I don't like this. I want you to just come home and be mw wife."

 

She denied it, said it had nothing to do with this OM, and got very pissed off. This is a normal behavioral pattern for her. I still don't believe that anything physical has happened between them, and she may not be ready to admit to anybody, possbly even to herself that she is feeling this way towards him, but I can't shake the feeling that it is. Especially since this wouldn't be the first time. Shortly after we got married and before we had kids, she cheated on me. She didn't have sex with the guy, but she told me they kissed and could have had sex if she wanted to. She was very sincere in her apology and begged me to take her back, so I did. Yet, she continued to carry on conversations with him, even after she told me about it, she ended up breaking off communication with him after about a week, realizing it was a bad idea if the marraige was going to work.

 

I feel like an idiot everytime I start writing stuff about this. The writing has been there on the wall this whole time and I have just turned a blind eye toward it. I am starting to think that this whole marraige was a big mistake and we will never be happy together again. I want to give up, its just so painful. I can't do that to my kids though. She said she would go to MC with me, so I am working on setting that up, but when she said it, it felt more like a lets do that so I can check it off the list kind of thing. She also said if I just wanted to get a divorce based on what she has said, she would do that too....like she was trying to push the decision on me so that she wouldn't fel bad about doing it herself. ahhhhhh

 

She's not even in the marriage - or the decision either.

 

Man - just tell her to leave. She's not doing you any favors by staying around.

 

Unless SHE starts taking all the action to set things right - there's nothing to work on.

[ALAACJ]

Is your wife willing to change?

 

If she's not willing to change - and make your M her TOP priority - there's nothing you can do to help this situation except to give her the divorce since she's not acting married.

 

I don't think so...a mutual friend of ours who I have really confided in this week and really wants us to work it out and has been telling her that same thing hung out with her last night and basically told me that it seemed hopeless, that my wife's total lack of caring and feeling was alarming. I have decided to tell her I will not pursue marriage counseling unless she can prove to me that she is committed to making it work ---- which she won't.

[ALAACJ]

So if your running has fallen by the wayside recently - get back out there!

 

I havent given up completely...i still run most days at lunch time and i did a road marathon in January and destroyed it. PR by 13 minutes. I had desires of joining a trail running group and getting ready for a specific 50 miler but didn't pursue it because it would have conflicted with her training. I was ok with that since I do it for fun and she does it because she wins these races.

[ALAACJ]

I also ran 13.5 miles today, partly on trails, and it was cathartic. I feel so much better now and it gave me the courage to tell me mom, which was also a big step for me and really helped me feel better. Thanks to everyones support and brutal honesty, I think I have leaped into the acceptance stage. We will see if I get some sleep tonight and have a good day tomorrow.

[2sunny]

If your wife is uncaring and unfeeling - that IS affecting your marriage and the family unit in a big negative way.

 

Cut out the cancer - tell her since she cares so little - she should move ASAP.

 

When she realizes her inability to participate has its consequences - she just might wake up and get motivated o change!

 

One things for sure - she's not gonna get motivated while she's comfortable. Make sure she feels the heat that SHE'S created!