Seperating

[MsOptimist]

I'm glad you're getting cathartic runs in - that's all I was able to do in the beginning weeks. I was a part of a training group and my long runs became somewhat therapy sessions and it helped. It helps sort through the mixed thoughts and feelings, as I'm sure you're aware.

 

If your wife is already checked out then there is not much that you can do - you can't force her to fight for the marriage or be willing to save it 100%. That was a very difficult thing for me to accept. My husband was done and checked out and I figured out very quickly that there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Honestly your best bet is to give her what she wants and see if she then has remorse once she realizes that you're gone for good.

 

It's also great that you opened up with your mom - my therapist's first suggestion was to get 1 or 2 people to share my situation with. At first I didn't know how I could do that, I was embarrassed. But I picked a couple people and the more I shared the easier it became. You need to establish your support system and lean on them. The people here helped me out a lot as well. You need support and don't be afraid to let people know that.

Edited April 11, 2013 by MsOptimist

[ALAACJ]

I don't know if I have it in me to kick her out, or even how I would do it. She is not going to just leave. She would absolutely flip out. Plus I have 3 kids to think about. They still need their mom. What do I tell them?

[2sunny]

You man up and stand up for yourself!

[MsOptimist]

I don't know if I have it in me to kick her out, or even how I would do it. She is not going to just leave. She would absolutely flip out. Plus I have 3 kids to think about. They still need their mom. What do I tell them?

 

I do realize that your situation is more complex than mine since you have kids. No doubt they need their mother and I'm sure you don't want to leave the marital home. Most people suggest that the one who wishes the marriage to end should move out, but I moved out willingly in order to be closer to work (and really I didn't want that house any longer for the memories and such). I suggest you set up a consultation with a lawyer to see what your legal options are - many lawyers will do a free consultation.

[ALAACJ]

ughh...I think i over did it with my run yesterday. Went to start a nice easy jog and felt a sharp pain in my foot. I stopped after about 500 feet so I could rest it up for a soccer game tomorrow night. I hope this goes away quickly. I'd hate to lose this outlet.

[2sunny]

ughh...I think i over did it with my run yesterday. Went to start a nice easy jog and felt a sharp pain in my foot. I stopped after about 500 feet so I could rest it up for a soccer game tomorrow night. I hope this goes away quickly. I'd hate to lose this outlet.

 

A great indicator that you're not moving forward enough.

 

Do something to change your situation and your foot will feel better!

[Darren Steez]

Are you worried about running or your marriage?

[MsOptimist]

Are you worried about running or your marriage?

 

He needs an outlet right now, I did too when I was in that initial stage. Running is a much better outlet than drinking, for example. The person you thought you could count on is no longer someone you could turn to for support. The OP said yesterday that his run yesterday helped him realize that he can reach out to his mom. Running also gets you in touch with yourself, and I think that is very important during a difficult time like this. Some days the only thing that made sense was to put on my shoes and run.

 

I'm sorry you're having pain in your foot, ALAACJ. Good call to stop early and rest it. The stress of this situation may manifest itself in strange ways physically.

[ALAACJ]

He needs an outlet right now, I did too when I was in that initial stage. Running is a much better outlet than drinking, for example. The person you thought you could count on is no longer someone you could turn to for support. The OP said yesterday that his run yesterday helped him realize that he can reach out to his mom. Running also gets you in touch with yourself, and I think that is very important during a difficult time like this. Some days the only thing that made sense was to put on my shoes and run.

 

I'm sorry you're having pain in your foot, ALAACJ. Good call to stop early and rest it. The stress of this situation may manifest itself in strange ways physically.

 

MsOptimist - You hit the nail on the head there. And I believe that stress can manifest itself physically, for sure.

 

That gets me thinking too. My wife (i'm still not ready to use the STBX acronym) has been struggling with lots of different injuries in the last 6 months, going to physical therapists, massage therapists, doing extra stretching and yoga and recently trying acupuncture. Yesterday, she excitedly posted on facebook that she ran pain free for the first time all year. Interesting.

[Gunny376]

I use to be a daily prolific long distance runner when I was in the Corps.

 

But too much of anything is bad IMHO. (Not saying that exercise is bad)

 

Its just that my last Battalion CO had a policy that if one of his Marines were over-weight, had a high BFP, failed the PFT, (Physical Fitness Test), didin't fit the Recruiting Poster image of a Marine, or had an alcohol related - reported incident?

 

He or she was put on "tha' Program" PT at O'Dark Thirty Monday ~ Saturday. He personally led the sessions each and everyday! If one of your Marines was on tha' Program? YOU were on the tha' Program.

 

I was on "Tha' pain in the azz program ~ six days a week for four years! Its one thing to do it on your own because you want to? Its another because you have to!

 

I fell away from it, but absolutely, rigrious excersise that leaves you mentally, phsically, psychology spent at the end? Is absolutely the No. # 1 way of dealing with external and internal stress.

 

It doesn't have to be going out and hitting the dusty trail for five or six miles, nor swimming laps, nor pumping iron. It could be chopping wood or anything that is physically exerting. The point is to give your body a good daily work out. It helps settle your mind and quite your thoughts and free your mind of obessive worrying / thoughts?

 

If done daily while going through the "Big 'D" you will physically spent and although the mind may want to obess about this that or the other? Your body will be like, "You go ahead without me! I'm going to sleep!"

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist - You hit the nail on the head there. And I believe that stress can manifest itself physically, for sure.

 

That gets me thinking too. My wife (i'm still not ready to use the STBX acronym) has been struggling with lots of different injuries in the last 6 months, going to physical therapists, massage therapists, doing extra stretching and yoga and recently trying acupuncture. Yesterday, she excitedly posted on facebook that she ran pain free for the first time all year. Interesting.

 

Exercise has absolutely helped me to get through my separation and divorce - I am currently in the best shape of my life! In the beginning there were days where I had tears streaming down my face during some runs, but I always felt better afterwards (any runner knows that, no matter what the circumstance).

 

Go easy on yourself and remember to take care of yourself, that's very important right now - try to eat well, stay hydrated, and just be kind to yourself. Some runs may be very slow and short and that's ok. If you need to run out some steam or anger at some point, do that if your body is up to it.

 

That is interesting about your wife's injuries (and yes, it takes a little time to get used calling her something different, you're still in the very beginning stages of all this - it didn't take more than 2-3 weeks before I knew without a doubt that my then H had become my STBXH). She is likely feeling relief of getting some of her thoughts off of her chest, but I guarantee that the weight of what she's really doing hasn't hit her yet. ESPECIALLY if she has a soft spot to land in regards to another man.

 

The floor fell out from under me first since I wasn't expecting any of this, and it took a lot longer for the floor to drop out from under my exH. Therefore we were constantly in different stages of grieving and processing this.

[ALAACJ]

OK...this sucks. This whole thing just sucks sucks sucks.

 

We had our first face to face conversation today. I was trying to set some ground rules for how we could handle the in home separation deal. Keep my laundry separate from her laundry separate from the kids laundry. I would do kids laundry this week - she does them next week. Stupid domestic issues like that. Then we started talking about money, how would we know each other are not out spending like crazy. I suggested cancelling/stopping charges on joint credit cards. Getting separate bank accounts and paying things evenly. She asked a qestion about selling the house. All of this was completely emotionless from her, like a business transaction. I started breaking down her and said "it's only been a week, I haven't figured everything out" while tears welled up in my eyes but we were at my oldest daughters swim practice so there were a good amount of people around and our kids too so I tried to keep it together. I asked her what she wanted to get out of MC. She said she wasn't sure. I told her that until she is ready to make our marriage a top priority and truly want to get back together, MC would be pointless, but I was going to seek out some IC and I strongly suggest that she do the same. I also told her that she needs to tell her mom sooner rather than later. She left and took the kids to dinner while I went home. She called me 20 minutes later. Said she talked to her mom, who was really great about it, and she insisted that we give MC a shot, if not to save the marriage than for the next relationship we have. She seemed really up beat about that, so I don't know what to make of that. This rollercoaster really sucks - I go from telling myself I am moving on and better off without her to just wanting her to run in my arms and kiss me. I still have so much love for her.

[standtall]

Well, allaa I feel for you. Let me tell you this...you cannot force her to love you, nor can you change her...you can only change yourself and make yourself more attractive to her. First, women do not love men they do not respect, so stop that crying and sniveling in front of her. Next, do the 180 and fix yourself before you fix the relationship. Good Luck.

[2sunny]

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

Her lack of pain shows she's already moved on. Even happy at the thought.

 

I suggest canceling the credit cards. Keep your money completely separate. And file for divorce as soon as you can.

 

She not emotionally invested in your M. That sucks. I think she's invested in another man that's why it's not hurting her.

 

So give her consequences - and the divorce.

 

The sooner you can get moving forward - the sooner you can be happy on your own.

 

Stay busy! Find creative outlets. Make new friends. Go running - but keep good balance.

[MsOptimist]

Yes, it hurts and sucks worse than anything. Unfortunately, this roller coaster ride will continue on for some time. With time and acceptance of the situation the lows will not be quite as low or prolonged. You will go through the grief stages, just as if someone physically died. You are likely still in a denial stage.

 

I agree with standtall and sunny - you can't force her to save the marriage or love you. Saving a marriage takes 2 people, and I too learned the hard way that I couldn't do it myself since he had already checked himself out. Once they are emotionally detached you can't bring them back, they have to come back on their own (if they want to).

 

By all means try therapy with her - at this point it can't hurt to try. Just remember to be ready for her to throw all the blame on you in front of the therapist. She may see therapy as one final piece of closure on her end to say she "tried." When my exH went to one therapy session with me it seemed like it was his intent to convince my therapist that, yes, we needed to divorce. My therapist has told me many times that I'm better off without someone like that, who could act in the ways he has acted.

 

Of course you still love her, you can't turn that off overnight, and you didn't ask to be in this situation. The beginning was so confusing for me because I was so devastated and hurt and at the same time I wanted him to hug me and comfort me - and he did not. He turned coldly and walked out of the door. He made it look easy, even though he said later on that it wasn't easy for him. He was trying to convince himself that he was making the right decision.

 

Many people on here told me to not look to him for comfort or love any longer, and they were right. Keep building your support system and lean on them.

 

Seeing the cold and emotionless actions made it a little bit easier for me to start detaching once I accepted the situation. My exH also treated everything like a business transaction and quickly threw the next hurtful steps at me so quickly. It was blow after blow after blow while I was still trying to catch my breath. Then I realized that I don't want to be with a person who can do this.

[ALAACJ]

Next, do the 180 and fix yourself before you fix the relationship. Good Luck.

 

What is the 180?

[Nem10]

Alaa, your situation sounds quite similar to mine. We've been together for 6 years and married for 4 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. Both in our 30's.

 

My wife had a very tough childhood and I've been the first stable long term relationship that she has had. Her mother was married countless times and she is used to unrest and moving around. I too am a laid back person and was warned about her prior to dating. Actually we were "just friends" for a long time but I didn't see her often. I asked her out when she was single and we've been together since.

 

Five days ago my wife said she wanted to look into a separation. I told her that we should try MC first. She has agreed. We worked through a tough time earlier in the year and now she is saying that I don't show her enough affection once again. I have taken steps to break out of the mild depression I have been in for sometime (due partially to her volatile personality and me over indulging in beer). And I'm doing my part in the changes, I just think that she is done. She has moved into the spare bedroom as well.

 

We went to a wedding last weekend and she told me that multiple guys told her that it was too bad she was married that they would be perfect together. I don't suspect any emotional or physical going on just yet. But I think she has her eyes on one of the wedding guys that hit on her.

 

I am doing my best to play the role of the confident male. It's pretty tough being the confident male when you see your life being turned upside down in the matter of a week. This will surely ruin us financially (bye bye house), not to mention how our little one is going to handle it. It's like walking around being punched in the gut repeatedly with the only relief coming while exercising and the few hours afterwards. I really don't know how people with kids go through this. I take care of our daughter pretty much all the time (wake her up and put her to bed and everything in between) as my wife is not very involved and works 2nd shift. The thought of her upsetting my daughter, with her decision, and taking time away from daddy/daughter is sickening.

 

Still holding out a small bit of hope for MC, but I think based on her past and her being so hellbent on a separation the hope is very minimal.

 

The best advice I've seen from scouring the net is to start planning ahead if things don't work out and to focus on yourself and trying to take care of yourself and your child in this completely intense time. I just wish the exercise buzz lasted longer, it seems the only minor relief right now.

[ALAACJ]

Alaa, your situation sounds quite similar to mine. We've been together for 6 years and married for 4 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. Both in our 30's.

 

My wife had a very tough childhood and I've been the first stable long term relationship that she has had. Her mother was married countless times and she is used to unrest and moving around. I too am a laid back person and was warned about her prior to dating. Actually we were "just friends" for a long time but I didn't see her often. I asked her out when she was single and we've been together since.

 

Five days ago my wife said she wanted to look into a separation. I told her that we should try MC first. She has agreed. We worked through a tough time earlier in the year and now she is saying that I don't show her enough affection once again. I have taken steps to break out of the mild depression I have been in for sometime (due partially to her volatile personality and me over indulging in beer). And I'm doing my part in the changes, I just think that she is done. She has moved into the spare bedroom as well.

 

We went to a wedding last weekend and she told me that multiple guys told her that it was too bad she was married that they would be perfect together. I don't suspect any emotional or physical going on just yet. But I think she has her eyes on one of the wedding guys that hit on her.

 

I am doing my best to play the role of the confident male. It's pretty tough being the confident male when you see your life being turned upside down in the matter of a week. This will surely ruin us financially (bye bye house), not to mention how our little one is going to handle it. It's like walking around being punched in the gut repeatedly with the only relief coming while exercising and the few hours afterwards. I really don't know how people with kids go through this. I take care of our daughter pretty much all the time (wake her up and put her to bed and everything in between) as my wife is not very involved and works 2nd shift. The thought of her upsetting my daughter, with her decision, and taking time away from daddy/daughter is sickening.

 

Still holding out a small bit of hope for MC, but I think based on her past and her being so hellbent on a separation the hope is very minimal.

 

The best advice I've seen from scouring the net is to start planning ahead if things don't work out and to focus on yourself and trying to take care of yourself and your child in this completely intense time. I just wish the exercise buzz lasted longer, it seems the only minor relief right now.

 

 

I hear you brother. The one thing that has helped me the most is to share my story. I have never let anybody see me down before, I have always hid behind the facade of what appeared to be a perfect life - beautiful, successful wife, adoring kids, big house with the fancy pool. Opening up has felt good and has really brought some of my friendships and acquaintances to a new level. I have a long, hard, dark road ahead. But i see a path now where i am a better man and whether it is with my wife or sombeody else my future relationship will be stronger. It's terrifying. But it's also exciting. So share with whoever will listen.

[Gunny376]

This will surely ruin us financially (bye bye house)

 

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

~ Robin Williams

 

And to that along with his gentiles I would add not only his heart? But his heart of hearts and his very soul!

[Nem10]

Ugh, the wife just said that counseling won't help. I tend to agree as I think she is done. And over the past week I've realized that I'm done too.

 

I envision problems with the custody of our 2.5 year daughter. I'm the primary caregiver (get her up, put her to bed, change all diapers, work from home, wife not interested in doing much of anything for her) but courts hate fathers and custody. I was hoping to talk her into joint physical custody but she is already being difficult...it will be a long battle, I fear.

[ALAACJ]

Man, I have been all over the place this weekend. Told the estranged wife to get the hell out. I yelled, screamed, threw old letters at her. When the smoke cleared, i finally got a human emotion out of her and we agreed to this. This weekend she will go to her race and have fun and "figure" out what she really wants. Next weekend I will go visit my fam and leave her with the kids so she can see what it's like without me. We will then start some Christian MC and see what that does. My family is encouraging me to stay strong and hang in there and dont let go yet. I felt so full of hope after this and had a great day today. I hope for the best but am preparing myself for the worst.

[2sunny]

Have you two guys checked THOROUGHLY to be sure your wives aren't cheating?

 

It sure looks like they are!

[2sunny]

If you have to beg your wife to be with you - or stay and try - there's not one reason to think it will ever work with her!!!

[ALAACJ]

Perhaps this forum is not the best place to spend my time. This has been my best friend, my wife, my lover for nearly a decade. She is the mother of my 3 kids. Our lives are forever going to be entwined. I'm talking soccer games, swim meets, school plays, birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, graduation, prom, wedding days, grandchildren, repeat. I know that others have been hurt and the easy thing to do is to give up. I know that we live in a world where personal responsibility is second to blaming others for our own problems and expecting somebody else to fix our issues, but I am not a quitter. When I look back on this marriage and I think, did I do everything possible to show her that I love her everyday. I answer no. Did I love her as Jesus loved the church. I answer no. I made mistakes and I accept my role in this separation. I swore an oath before God to love my wife in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do us part. Well, times are bad, but I don't feel the sting of death yet. I am not going to let 2 weeks of extremely rough times trump a 13 year relationship. I am also no dummy, once the emotions are turned off, it's hard to get it back, but how can I call myself a man if I give in now?

[ALAACJ]

Perhaps this forum is not the best place to spend my time. This has been my best friend, my wife, my lover for nearly a decade. She is the mother of my 3 kids. Our lives are forever going to be entwined. I'm talking soccer games, swim meets, school plays, birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, graduation, prom, wedding days, grandchildren, repeat. I know that others have been hurt and the easy thing to do is to give up. I know that we live in a world where personal responsibility is second to blaming others for our own problems and expecting somebody else to fix our issues, but I am not a quitter. When I look back on this marriage and I think, did I do everything possible to show her that I love her everyday. I answer no. Did I love her as Jesus loved the church. I answer no. I made mistakes and I accept my role in this separation. I swore an oath before God to love my wife in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do us part. Well, times are bad, but I don't feel the sting of death yet. I am not going to let 2 weeks of extremely rough times trump a 13 year relationship. I am also no dummy, once the emotions are turned off, it's hard to get it back, but how can I call myself a man if I give in now?