Seperating

[MsOptimist]

I don't think anyone here wishes that your marriage come to an end. I think that most situations are so similar and sometimes have similar outcomes if one person has decided to check out of the marriage. Hopefully your wife can be engaged to do the work to work through your issues.

 

I think that most people here are coming from the standpoint that there's not much you can do if SHE isn't willing to put in the effort. If there's another man in the picture, that changes things.

 

I was willing to try anything to save my marriage, but that didn't matter because he wasn't willing.

[Car111]

Hi there, first of all, sorry to hear of your situation. Sounds like your story is identical to mine, only in reverse. I have been with my husband for 13 years, and married for 7 years. We have 3 young children. I thought everything was fine. Then a month ago he told me that he no longer loved me, and hasn't loved me for 4 years. He said he does not know the reason, he just no longer has the feelings. I am in complete shock. He said he loves me more as the mother of his children, then as a wife. He said I deserve better than him and feels as though he has failed me. He said he has been holding it together for sake of the family.

 

We have started marriage counselling. That seems to be helping. We are trying to rebuild our marriage, although at times it is so hard. To hang in there knowing that he doesn't feel any love toward me. We are working to get that love back. I feel like i am putting my heart on the line while I am waiting to see if we can find that love again. Sorry for rambling.

 

Let us know how the counselling goes. I too believe you should not throw away a marriage after a rough few weeks, as that is what i am going through. People probably find it easy to tell you to walk away, but there is so much more at stake than most people realize. I too have a family with young children and understand how hard it would be to walk away from all of that. Marriages are worth fighting for. I hope your wife is also willing to fight!

[PrayingDaily]

It sounds like this "friend" is a big cause of her detachment to you. People can cheat on an emotional level and its still wrong. Not speaking for all women but getting emotionally attached can be more serious than sexual for most women. Wow. I hope you seek counseling. If she won't go with you then at least for yourself. You deserve better from a wife.

[ALAACJ]

Car111 - very similar stories. I got the I love you but I am not in love with you line. And the you deserve someone who actually loves you like that.

 

She has agreed to marriage counseling. We have an appt scheduled in 2 weeks. She refuses to take time off of work to go, so that is the quickest appt we could find after hours. She also didn't really seem all that excited about it until her mom said something along the lines of even if it doesn't help save this relationship it will help any future relationships. So again, hoping for the best, prepared for the worst.

[2sunny]

MC seems like a waste of your time since she doesn't seem to give a crap about repairing the damage SHE caused.

 

I'd just divorce her and find someone who really loves and respects you.

 

No need to waste your time and energy on her.

 

She lies, she cheats... Why bother?

[Dark_Sea_Salior]

If your partner has said out loud, to your face in a calm (non-emotional) way (i.e. not in a fit of anger) that they do not love you then it is likely over regardless of what you do.

 

My wife just asked for a divorce last week after 13 years, 2 kids and 6 months of counseling. I'm devastated. She told me before the counseling the same things I'm seeing in several of your posts. In retrospect the counseling just prolonged the inevitable and forced me to sit in a room once a week and hear my wife - who I still adore - talk about our relationship like it was a burden on her.

 

I could search my memory forever trying to figure out what happened but, in the end, it comes back to the same simple fact - she just doesn't love me anymore. That answers all the questions and I don't think you can get that kind of love - the "in love" kind - back.

 

I'm sorry but I'm speaking from immediate and heart-broken experience.

 

Respect

Edited April 17, 2013 by Dark_Sea_Salior

[Car111]

What my marriage counsellor told me during our first session was for me to forget about the reason that I thought my spouse was coming to the counselling. He told me the fact that my spouse was showing up for counselling was a sign that he still cared, and I should leave it at that.

So, if she is willing to do the counseling with you, that is a positive sign.

[Car111]

Just a suggestion here, but you mentioned your wife feels that you do not show her enough emotional support, perhaps you could show or prove to her now that you care for her and perhaps think of some ways that you could show her some of the emotional support that she feels she has been missing from you. Perhaps ask her, what kind of things you could have been doing that you haven't done that would've helped. Ie/ what has she been missing. Has she been missing someone to talk to, and someone to listen to her problems? A shoulder to cry on? More physical affection, kissing, hugging? Asking how her day went?

 

I feel that my husband has not shown me enough emotional support over the years, and those are the kind of things I have wanted him to do more of. Perhaps if you show her you are willing to try more to understand her emotional needs, that will give you something to work toward while you are doing the marriage counselling. Hope this helps!

[Dark_Sea_Salior]

Everyone is different. In my case, I realize now that my wife was going to counseling because she wanted to make it work. Her mind kept reviewing our life on paper and everything looked good - we have a house, 2 great kids, stable income, many common interests. We were even having regular sex. "How could I be feeling this way?!?!" was probably what she was thinking or many years.

 

But her *heart* was not connected to me anymore. Call it act of God, chemical change, mid-life crisis, whatever...

 

I could see the struggle going on between her mind and her heart at every therapy session.

 

Over the months I could feel her anxiety but was helpless. Some days its great, other days there's this tension I the house - this heaviness. Sound familiar? What I learned is that therapy is for working out problems. Not being in love with someone is not a problem - its a feeling.

 

The heart always wins in the end.

Edited April 17, 2013 by Dark_Sea_Salior

[ALAACJ]

Everyone is different. In my case, I realize now that my wife was going to counseling because she wanted to make it work. Her mind kept reviewing our life on paper and everything looked good - we have a house, 2 great kids, stable income, many common interests. We were even having regular sex. "How could I be feeling this way?!?!" was probably what she was thinking or many years.

 

But her *heart* was not connected to me anymore. Call it act of God, chemical change, mid-life crisis, whatever...

 

I could see the struggle going on between her mind and her heart at every therapy session.

 

Over the months I could feel her anxiety but was helpless. Some days its great, other days there's this tension I the house - this heaviness. Sound familiar? What I learned is that therapy is for working out problems. Not being in love with someone is not a problem - its a feeling.

 

The heart always wins in the end.

 

This is very well said. I fear that is what is going on here as well. But, If an act of God can turn the tables one way, then an act of God can turn the tables the other way.

[ALAACJ]

This is me, isn't it?

 

[Car111]

If an act of God can turn the tables one way, then an act of God can turn the tables the other way.

I agree! That sounds right.

[ALAACJ]

Well, I have strong evidence that she is prepared to sleep with this new friend this weekend. I still do not believe that she has done it yet. But this weekend provides a perfect opportunity for it. If she goes thru with it, than I will never be able to recover from it. Thanks everybody for your honesty. I should have listened to you from the beginning rather than holding out hope.

[Car111]

Just wondering what evidence do you have? Was there a text/email, etc that you read that she said she was going to do it, or is it more of a hunch.

[Car111]

If it is a strong feeling or hunch, I would not recommend bringing up your fear to her, as there is a possibility you are incorrect. If you have evidence however that is a different story.

[ALAACJ]

She is going away for a weekend with some friends. I thought I knew who was all going, but when they left this morning, the OM that I have been suspecting that she has had feelings for was in the group. I also am 100% certain that she brought a condom with her.

[worldgonewrong]

She is going away for a weekend with some friends. I thought I knew who was all going, but when they left this morning, the OM that I have been suspecting that she has had feelings for was in the group. I also am 100% certain that she brought a condom with her.

 

Lawyer up.

This is a weekend where YOU change everything. No more Mister Nice Guy.

When she gets back from that weekend trip, her head should be spinning by how much YOU took charge of this awful scenario.

Time to puncture her fantasy bubble.

DO IT or you'll only regret it further.

Do it for yourself.

[MsOptimist]

I'm very sorry you found this evidence. You weren't wrong to be hopeful, you were human.

 

I remember feeling twinges of hopefulness when my exH came back to say he was wrong and had made a giant mistake. Who doesn't want to hear that in our situations. But it didn't take long to find the evidence that he was still actively online dating AND looking for one night stands the entire time he was telling me that. Reality sucks at times like those.

 

When you mentioned her weekend away at a race I had a feeling that she may have had something in mind with a male "friend." It was also a red flag when she only agreed to and seemed enthusiastic about counseling when her mom said that it if it doesn't help with the marriage that it may help with a future relationship (aka the one she seems to be focused on instead of your marriage).

 

I agree with WGW in that you should spend this weekend getting things in order - schedule an attorney consult, go through finances. Just in case. Still plan to go ahead with the counseling and see if she can be honest with what happens this weekend.

 

There's not much you can do about her weekend away, it's up to her to remain faithful. If you interrogate her about it she's likely to become defensive and shut down, or at least that's been my experience.

 

As I said the other day, none of us wishes for your marriage to end. We're not telling you to prepare for the worst because we're hurting from our own situations. If you spend enough time reading others' stories you find that they tend to play out the same in these situations. If you find the few success stories of reconciliations you'll see that they we are genuinely happy that the couples decided to reconcile. Unfortunately those stories tend to be in the minority here.

[ALAACJ]

I'm very sorry you found this evidence. You weren't wrong to be hopeful, you were human.

 

I remember feeling twinges of hopefulness when my exH came back to say he was wrong and had made a giant mistake. Who doesn't want to hear that in our situations. But it didn't take long to find the evidence that he was still actively online dating AND looking for one night stands the entire time he was telling me that. Reality sucks at times like those.

 

When you mentioned her weekend away at a race I had a feeling that she may have had something in mind with a male "friend." It was also a red flag when she only agreed to and seemed enthusiastic about counseling when her mom said that it if it doesn't help with the marriage that it may help with a future relationship (aka the one she seems to be focused on instead of your marriage).

 

I agree with WGW in that you should spend this weekend getting things in order - schedule an attorney consult, go through finances. Just in case. Still plan to go ahead with the counseling and see if she can be honest with what happens this weekend.

 

There's not much you can do about her weekend away, it's up to her to remain faithful. If you interrogate her about it she's likely to become defensive and shut down, or at least that's been my experience.

 

As I said the other day, none of us wishes for your marriage to end. We're not telling you to prepare for the worst because we're hurting from our own situations. If you spend enough time reading others' stories you find that they tend to play out the same in these situations. If you find the few success stories of reconciliations you'll see that they we are genuinely happy that the couples decided to reconcile. Unfortunately those stories tend to be in the minority here.

 

Thanks....I don't blame anybody here for being upfront and honest. I was still fighting and holding on and I didn't want hear the truth. I have had many conversations with many friends and family today. Everybody is still telling me to stay strong and to not give up yet.

A really good old friend said to me, not yet knowing any details of the situation. "She has treated you like Sh*t for years, everybody likes you and she does nothing but cause problems. You are a good man, I think of you as a brother, and you deserve better. But, for the sake of the kids, you still need to hang in there and try."

[2sunny]

Unless she's doing all she can to repair the damage she caused - there's no reason for you to "try".

 

She either does it or she doesn't.

 

If she's not willing to jump through hoops and walk through fire to prove she's a changed woman and worthy of your trust - you have nothing to consider.

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you ever want a relationship with her to work, you have to get over your fear of losing her. You love her and want her, you do not NEED her. Right now you are Plan B, just in case her new boy toy does not work out. She does not respect you as a man, I don't say that to me mean, but to let you know you have work to do. She may respect you as a father, but does not see you as an acceptable partner as she is in the fog of an affair.

 

You have to take the security of Plan B away from her, if you ever hope to regain her respect. You need to start the 180 plan immediately. Do not call, text, email or answer anything from her this weekend.

 

Next week you need to seek legal advice, you don't have to file, but you need to seek legal advice. You need to get control of your finances, you don't ask her, you do it yourself. She can take care of her own finances.

[ALAACJ]

If you ever want a relationship with her to work, you have to get over your fear of losing her. You love her and want her, you do not NEED her. Right now you are Plan B, just in case her new boy toy does not work out. She does not respect you as a man, I don't say that to me mean, but to let you know you have work to do. She may respect you as a father, but does not see you as an acceptable partner as she is in the fog of an affair.

 

You have to take the security of Plan B away from her, if you ever hope to regain her respect. You need to start the 180 plan immediately. Do not call, text, email or answer anything from her this weekend.

 

Next week you need to seek legal advice, you don't have to file, but you need to seek legal advice. You need to get control of your finances, you don't ask her, you do it yourself. She can take care of her own finances.

 

I agree with you 100% on everything you say. I am going to embrace the 180. She has already called numerous times asking how the kids are doing. After letting her sweat for an hour or 2 I have just replied with "good". Before I did this I was advised to send her a message telling her I knew what she brought with her, and I hope she wouldn't do anything irreparable. Actually, she just text me know asking again why I went thru her stuff. I will ignore.

 

Question. Do I cancel our scheduled MC session and tell her to make an appt when she wants to or do we go to it?

[Darren Steez]

I agree with you 100% on everything you say. I am going to embrace the 180. She has already called numerous times asking how the kids are doing. After letting her sweat for an hour or 2 I have just replied with "good". Before I did this I was advised to send her a message telling her I knew what she brought with her, and I hope she wouldn't do anything irreparable. Actually, she just text me know asking again why I went thru her stuff. I will ignore.

 

Question. Do I cancel our scheduled MC session and tell her to make an appt when she wants to or do we go to it?

 

Why would you go to a MC if she's prepared to cheat on you?

[Car111]

I would keep the scheduled MC session if I were you. The fact that she is willing to go is a good thing. I also know how it feels to be the "initiator" of things.. it makes me feel a little bit sad to think that I have to be the one in the relationship to plan everything for me and my spouse, as if he doesn't perhaps care. But, I think in relationships one of the people naturally takes on that role. If the end result is the same it doesn't really matter who scheduled the session. I know you were worried about the weekend. If she had an A, is that a dealbreaker for you? If so, then no point of the MC? Or are you willing to work through those issues at counselling.

[MsOptimist]

I would keep the MC appointment if it were me - if she doesn't show up, you can still go on your own and talk things out with the therapist. If she does go, what she says in the session may be a big indicator in how she's feeling.