Seperating

[ALAACJ]

So, here it goes.

 

This situation is seriously bizarre. 3 weeks ago, the night before our 2nd marriage counseling session, the wife and I had a chat about Divorce. Didn't think there was any chance of us moving past what happened during our separation. I told her of course we could; that we could come out much stronger. She then opened up that she slept with somebody else during her work confrence the week before. Just a meaningless drunken one night stand. He was hot and she was horny from being separated for so long and she had never slept with anybody else and wanted to know what it was like. That hurt a ton but I told her we could still move on. She asked how I could ever want to still be with someone who would do what she did. I told her that I am imperfect too and I struggle with my demons and over the course of our marriage, I had struggled with looking at porn behind her back. We talked more and then she asked for a hug. I gave her a long hearfelt hug and as we pulled away she kissed me deeply - it was great. It may have gone further but she wanted to get tested to make sure she didn't pick anything up. That hurt too - so irresponsible as she is on some rough medication that she should not be drinking with and which could cause severe birth defects.

 

So, we went to MC the next day. More of the same from her. We can't move on. Don't want to move on. The MC said that her having a meaningless drunken one night stand and me watching porn was basically the same thing (really?). I wanted to talk more after MC but she didn't. I had enough and met a friend for a drink, turned off my phone, and ended up crashing on his couch that night. Turned phone on in morning to about 30 missed calls and 15 texts. I called her in the morning and told her I was done and she needed to file for divorce. She said ok and started looking thru the paperwork but didn't know what to do and asked for help. She talked about how she really started to have a change of heart the previous night and wanted to work things out. This is what I wanted for so long, so I said I would be willing. we talked/texted throughout the day. She admitted to alot of her faults over the years, I admitted to mine. She was concerned that everything was not out about what has happened, she was concerned there was more to my admission, i assured her there was not. She then told me that the night before she slept with somebody at her work trip, she went back to a different guys room and made out and touched but did not have sex. More talking and dealing with that. We then talked about our vanilla sex lives and why that was and how we would both be open to new things. Then it got interested and we began sexting each other. I asked if she was sexting with anybody else and she said a little bit with the guy she slept with but again it was meaningless, just playgound fun. Okay. More talking/texting/sexting/opening up. She asked to go to dinner as a family. I agreed. It was great. When we got back the buildup from the sexting was too much for me and we ended up having sex like we never have before. She was doing things she never did before - she sure did learn alot from one drunken hookup - interesting. Not complaining. I went to a soccer game got back late woke her up and we had sex again - really good. Next couple days were really good. She dropped me notes saying she loved me and appreciated me. She even got an overnight babysitter and planned a couples massage/dinner/hotel stay which was great, but we ended up getting in a stupid fight - imagine that. More swings after that, things are good, we get in a fight, we make up. Fast forward a week. We go out of town as a family for an athletic event. I see an interaction with her and another athlete. My heart sinks, I think there is something else going on. I snoop around and discover she was sexting with this guy for a while but nothing physical. But, another text to someone else saying she was sleeping with a friend. I assume it is the same sexting guy. I ask her about it and she denies it and gets really angry and says we are done for good now. I show her the text and she says it wasn't the sexting guy it was someone else. She insists it is done and there were no feeling/emotions involved, just sex. I also find out that she really wanted this other friend to make a move on her and she saw him as a potential replacement for me if things didn't work out with us. This guy I know and I considered a friend - at least he was honorable and didn't succomb to her advances. I also find out that the drunken one night stand was a bit more - they had sex twice in 5 hours and it was amazing the text said. That's not quite a one night stand. She insists that she has not done anything with anybody and has had no interest in anything else since we reconciled.

So, she basically went off the deep end for 6 weeks and now she is coming back to reality. There is so much I don't understand and she does not want to talk about it. She wants to just talk about our future together. How do I do that? Should I do that? My only solace is that nothing happened until after we separated and that in her mind we were completely done and just needed to go thru the motions before we got divorced. I'm a little crazy for staying in this, I know. But she is my wife and I made a lifeling commitment to her even if she does not honor that commitment. If she is willing to try know, I owe it to my family to try, right? Another big trouble is that she is so emotionless at times, its strange wondering what she is thinking or why she even wants to try now.

[worldgonewrong]

So, she basically went off the deep end for 6 weeks and now she is coming back to reality.

 

On the basis of everything you've written, I don't see any indication that "she is coming back to reality".

[2sunny]

So, way back a few months ago when several posters suggested she was cheating... She was moving in that direction.

 

Then she actually showed evidence of cheating - and blamed you for snooping. I wonder if you ever would have had an idea if you hadn't snooped... It's not as if she was offering her truth about all the men she was reeling in with her shenanigans.

 

She's spent plenty of time and energy finding "options" for herself - that means a LOT - she's out there searching and testing out for your replacement!

 

Meanwhile - she's got you believing that she MAY "try" with you again. And offering amazing sex to confuse you - and have you hanging around longer instead of divorcing her cheating a$$!

 

I don't see a gal that's willing to "do ANYTHING to REPAIR the damage she's done"!!!

 

She's just manipulating you better!

 

And why aren't YOU flaming MAD that she cheats? She's participating in slutty behavior with multiple men - right in front of you - and you don't even act mad!

 

I'm mad at YOU for not being madder than hell!!!!

 

Get a boundary - because you've had none!

 

The way she's treated is is not right!

 

Is this really what you signed up for when you said your wedding vows?

 

Every Christian man knows that the bible states divorce is perfectly acceptable when infidelity happens.

Edited June 6, 2013 by 2sunny

[ALAACJ]

What is the point of being mad? Why should I let anger and hatred and resentment into my life, into my heart? I want my story to be about love and grace - that is the true lesson of being a christian. She may not deserve it. She may deserve to be punished. But who wins in that case? That is not of God. And, who am I to judge. I am just a sinner too. She will have to stand before God one day and own up to her sins. I pray for her. I don't condemn her. I'm going to forgive her - that is the only way to truly free myself from the hurt and the pain that I am feeling. It is also the harder road. Anybody can be angry in this situation. It takes a true christian to listen to God and continue to show love. Getting mad and shoving this back in her face will only lead me down a road that I do not want to go. The deed(s) happened. Boundry's were crossed. I/We can't change that. I only pray that God can give us peace to move on from this. Whether we can continue as a married couple or not is still to be determined. I don't expect anybody to understand where I am coming from. I don't quite understand it myself. For me, cheating was always a deal breaker. But now that it has happened and I have prayed about it and had some deep meaningful conversations with other strong christians, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

[2sunny]

What is the point of being mad? Why should I let anger and hatred and resentment into my life, into my heart? I want my story to be about love and grace - that is the true lesson of being a christian. She may not deserve it. She may deserve to be punished. But who wins in that case? That is not of God. And, who am I to judge. I am just a sinner too. She will have to stand before God one day and own up to her sins. I pray for her. I don't condemn her. I'm going to forgive her - that is the only way to truly free myself from the hurt and the pain that I am feeling. It is also the harder road. Anybody can be angry in this situation. It takes a true christian to listen to God and continue to show love. Getting mad and shoving this back in her face will only lead me down a road that I do not want to go. The deed(s) happened. Boundry's were crossed. I/We can't change that. I only pray that God can give us peace to move on from this. Whether we can continue as a married couple or not is still to be determined. I don't expect anybody to understand where I am coming from. I don't quite understand it myself. For me, cheating was always a deal breaker. But now that it has happened and I have prayed about it and had some deep meaningful conversations with other strong christians, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

 

So you're saying you are willing to move your boundary for her bad behavior? Or do you even have a boundary?

 

Part of being a Christian is honoring self - allowing others to treat you poorly is not the intention of Gods will.

 

 

If you're not willing to honor yourself - why would anyone else honor you?

 

A marriage is built on trust - there is no foundation for your M now - she crushed it all - so what do you plan to rebuild your M upon, more lies, cheating and sneakiness? It just doesn't work!

 

 

Please seek help with a boundary that helps you to be happy, healthy and safe.

 

Also, get tested for diseases! Your bride exposed you to many risks, possibly risking your life! You call that loving behavior? I think you're rewarding her bad behavior by not giving her consequences she deserves.

[ALAACJ]

I don't disagree with you. You are correct. I am not moving my boundary. I am respecting myself. I do not condone what she has done and in no way have I indicated that I am okay with these actions. She destroyed everything. The marriage that we had is over. There is no going back to that. I have a choice here though. She insists that whatever phase she was going thru is over now. She was so incredibly unhappy in our marriage that in her mind it was over and she needed to do these things to see how she really felt. They did not fill her up with what she expected and she realized that what she has is better than anything else out there. I can choose to believe her. i can choose to forgive her. i can choose to love her even if she does not deserve my love. i do not deserve the love of god, but he gives it to me unconditionally. I can do the same to her. If she continues to be dedicated from here going forward, I can choose to try to make it work for the sake of our family. It's possible that if god gives us both peace about this stage, that we can have an incredibly fulfilling marriage. It's also possible that I can just get my heart broken again and again and again. This is what i am praying about and trying to decide. the plot of my life has already been written. i get to dictate the narrative. Will it be a beautiful tale of unconditional love like the story of Hosea and Gomer or will it be an epic tragedy. I do not know yet.

[2sunny]

In your post you said cheating was a deal breaker (boundary - she crossed it) - now you say it's not the deal breaker it used to be.

 

So you did change your boundary to suit her bad behavior...

 

Get counseling - you need to determine your own boundary.

 

 

So now that she's cheated - you're acting like you give her a hall pass - one that has no consequences! Guess what? Statistically, those women cheat agin!

 

You're acting weak. Being weak wont fix this.

 

She needs help! She needs to do the hard work that looks deep within her soul and determines what is so broken that she made hat choice to hurt you and the marriage!

 

Grow some balls and take a stand for what's right! Aging like its fine that she did this isn't right!

 

Work on YOUR self respect! YOU are ALLOWING her to disrespect you- and I guarantee, she will do it again!

[zoobadger]

I read you initial post, then hit the "last" button and read this one.

 

If your initial post is an accurate and true accounting of what happened, it seems quite unlikely that staying together is going to work to your benefit. You'll have the security of marriage but not the intimacy, I suspect.

[ALAACJ]

I read you initial post, then hit the "last" button and read this one.

 

If your initial post is an accurate and true accounting of what happened, it seems quite unlikely that staying together is going to work to your benefit. You'll have the security of marriage but not the intimacy, I suspect.

 

That is a rather astute conclusion. I fear that you are exactly right. I can quit now but I can also give it a few months and see what happens. If its bad, I can still get out. If its good, it may be worthwhile.

[coaches24]

That is a rather astute conclusion. I fear that you are exactly right. I can quit now but I can also give it a few months and see what happens. If its bad, I can still get out. If its good, it may be worthwhile.

 

Thats where I am as well. I could end it now but waiting a few months to see what happens while we go to MC makes a lot more sense. There is no intimacy and very little communication outside of MC but our situation isn't volatile either so I think it's worth it to see if we can get what we once had back. If she decides she wants to end it tomorrow it will hurt but I know I won't I will get over it, move on and be fine in time. If I walk away now I will always wonder if we could have saved the marriage with some effort.

[ALAACJ]

So, new update. Paperwork is filed. House is for sale. A puppy was given away. Credit cards were cancelled. 0% chance of making it work. 0% chance of ever getting back together. Pursuing legal options to take my kids and move back closer to family. Slim chance since I live in a bad state and I am a man. But, I have to try. My stbxw has no moral compass and will poison my kids lives.

[2sunny]

What do you mean?

 

What has happened between then and now? You've left out what has transpired in the past short while... Fill us in please...

 

In any event - I hope you can move forward and be happy.

[ALAACJ]

After only a week of reconciling, yet another man entered the picture and she went back into her emotionless state. Without knowing about the other man, I told her I was sick of this and she needed to end it. The next day the house went up and papers were filed. Found out she took this man to dinner with my kids, brought him back to the house and he helped put my kids to bed. And, she wants to buy me out of my equity so he can move in and pay rent and live with my kids during her custody time. Then found out they have been sleeping together for a couple weeks. Talked to this Christian mans wife of 17 years today and told her everything. She will now be filing for divorce. I need to get my kids away from this poison. But, adultery has no impact on custody in my state.

[elfman]

She denied it, said it had nothing to do with this OM, and got very pissed off. This is a normal behavioral pattern for her. I still don't believe that anything physical has happened between them, and she may not be ready to admit to anybody, possbly even to herself that she is feeling this way towards him, but I can't shake the feeling that it is. Especially since this wouldn't be the first time. Shortly after we got married and before we had kids, she cheated on me. She didn't have sex with the guy, but she told me they kissed and could have had sex if she wanted to. She was very sincere in her apology and begged me to take her back, so I did. Yet, she continued to carry on conversations with him, even after she told me about it, she ended up breaking off communication with him after about a week, realizing it was a bad idea if the marraige was going to work.

 

Hey man, sorry you're going through this... I hate to say it, but if there is ANYTHING you need to trust right now it is YOUR GUT FEELING. I have been where you are, the doubts, the backlash of saying something that totally gets taken out of context and turned on you... I would doubt if this OM is not whispering sweet things on her ear about what their new life could be if she left you, which is why I do not have the slightest pity for OM's or OW's... they're proffesional bull****ters, I bet more than 80% of OM's become just as bad a husband or worse if it ever gets to that...

 

Trust your gut man, and check the 180 and NC strategies, I never get tired of saying THEY WORK.

 

Ohhh the silly thought that passes through a married woman's mind when she thinks the new guy is everything her husband is not... such stupidity...