How would you react if you found out you were not the only OW/OM?

[Summer Breeze]

Self-centeredness applies, but I think it is more about the sense of entitlement that many people in affairs display. The rules of civilized society apply to others but not to them because they are "special".

 

And I repeat since this thread is for OW and OM to discuss their reaction, exactly how does this pertain to the OP?

[HopingAgain]

There is no one more offended and hurt that a philanderer that discovers he or she is on the other side of infidelity. These folks go absolutely insane. These are the men and women that are often jealous with no basis.

 

Philanderers cannot handle infidelity very well when they are on the receiving end.

 

The question that begs an answer is why are they so upset:

 

Probably because they are so self centered they do not see the damage they cause. They can only see the damage they receive.

 

Very true! The acting out is also due to reacting to the realization that what they've put out to the world has now come back to them too.

[MissBee]

MissBee, I love reading your posts as well. You always look at things from all sides and with such a nice common sense approach. Thanks for taken the time to so share your thought s so eloquently!

 

But, yes I do have a but on this one. Everything you said was spot on however, I'm standing by what I said in my other post...lol. I know in my head it's totally NOT logical and who knows, he may have had a ton of OW's for all I know, but having that boundary in my mind was the only thing I had any control over in the situation. It's like I had to have something in my court to feel any sense of dignity in a very undignified situation. Does that make sense? He held the cards when it came to the rules so having that boundary (and a few others) helped keep me as sane as I could possibly be in that situation. Even though the possiblilty that there were others was a lot higher than not. I never ever accused him of being with others because I felt I could believe him.

 

If I found there was an OOW I would have been furious and left immediately with no questions asked no matter how illogical it was. Absolutely no buts or ifs! I don't think of myself as crazy for thinking that way. I hated the whole idea of an affair and all that went with it, so it would have been one more thing heaped onto the pile. It's what helped keep me sane actually.

 

Thanks spice! I totally get it. I definitely said I would have felt the same as well, but in hindsight, I'd look back like...wellll.....this is a comedic irony.

 

I think that's what it comes down to as I said. No one wants to be bamboozled and lied to, even if this person is doing it to someone else or are with someone they probably have no business being with. So the response will be the same, regardless of if you had a "right" to feel that way or not. I'm human too...totally get it and would have been upset as well. Likewise my exAP, although he was having two relationships, he would be so jealous and upset if I even mentioned another man, I did end up sleeping with someone else, he never let me live it down. It was totally hypocritical...but it didn't change his feelings. I understood how it hurt him, but I was like, you are doing the SAME thing, how can you expect my faithfulness to you when you're not in a monogamous, exclusive relationship with me? I got his hurt...but it was illogical nevertheless.Yepp unrealistic expectations are still upsetting.

[cocorico]

This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

 

In the beginning of the A, I did not consider either of us to be exclusive. I imagined that, since he was M, he must be sexually involved with his W. and certainly I had other partners (who all understood I was not exclusive - I can't be arsed to lie) so it was symmetrical. If, at that stage, there had been OOW it would not have made the remotest difference to me, since exclusivity had never been part of the deal.

 

Later, when we fell in love and chose to be exclusive (and I discovered that he had already been, with me) things changed in that regard. If, having promised to me I was "the only one" he then treated me like her, I would have been very angry. I am not her, and would have resented being treated as if I was, and it would have signalled to me that he had lost touch with who I was, to be able to confuse me with her.

[cocorico]

Perhaps multidaters are better suited for EMRs. Maybe that is why I never slept with the women that were close to me while i was married. For me it was always ALL or NOTHING. I did not have the ability to spread myself.

 

While I am not a "multidater" (I have never dated) I do find it easy to compartmentalise. And from speaking to MM who have serial, or several simultaneous, GFs, it would seem that this is typically what they do. It is more like task-switching than multi-tasking, which might explain the gender bias.

 

My H sucks at compartmentalising though. His life has to be fully integrated - all his friends are also friends of each other, his work, family and social lives are completely intertwined, there is only one "him" that is consistently presented to everyone. It's little wonder he struggled to sustain an A, and no wonder he swears he would never survive another.

 

I think a MM that can compartmentalise could sustain multiple As. A MM that can't, can't even sustain one for any length of time - either the M crashes or the A crashes or the MM himself crashes.

[lifelesson101]

And I repeat since this thread is for OW and OM to discuss their reaction, exactly how does this pertain to the OP?

 

During my short time here most of what I have read on these threads I do not believe "pertains," in one way or another. However, I am often left with something to think about after reading the thoughts and perspectives that others have shared.

 

Because something does not "pertain to the OP," in your most humble opinion does mean that it wasn't found interesting or useful to someone else.

 

And I repeat. . .

Because something does not "pertain to the OP," in your most humble opinion does mean that it wasn't found interesting or useful to someone else.

 

Responses like the one you posted are often what keep people silent and not willing to share when they could truly use the support of others to get through a rough patch.

 

I liked what Blondie had to say - I hope she continues to post regardless of whether or not it "pertains."

 

I know I will!

[Summer Breeze]

During my short time here most of what I have read on these threads I do not believe "pertains," in one way or another. However, I am often left with something to think about after reading the thoughts and perspectives that others have shared.

 

Because something does not "pertain to the OP," in your most humble opinion does mean that it wasn't found interesting or useful to someone else.

 

And I repeat. . .

Because something does not "pertain to the OP," in your most humble opinion does mean that it wasn't found interesting or useful to someone else.

 

Responses like the one you posted are often what keep people silent and not willing to share when they could truly use the support of others to get through a rough patch.

 

I liked what Blondie had to say - I hope she continues to post regardless of whether or not it "pertains."

 

I know I will!

 

It's not my most humble opinion that counts -- in the forum Ts and Cs it clearly says each post should pertain to the OP. I tend not to alert the mods about such things. I prefer to say something directly to the poster. The one thing I will say to you and Blondie is that I had only looked at the last page when I responded. As I read through the whole thread there were loads that didn't pertain, not just yours, and should have been called out. I couldn't be bothered because it was out of hand.

[Summer Breeze]

You know I was thinking about this topic a little while ago, and I realized something.

My reaction if I found out he had someone else in his life wouldn't be any different because he's already married.

The OOW factor doesn't play in.

It would be the exact same reaction I'd have to any boyfriend that cheated on me. I have a low forgiveness factor and I went into my relationship with certain parameters in place.

This is what I'm willing to accept, this is what I expect from you and this is what I will see as a dealbreaker.

I never asked him to change one bit of his relationship with his wife. She's an accepted and known piece of the puzzle. To change the rules becomes a dealbreaker, just as it would if he were exclusive with me or if we were married to each other.

There is no difference.

It's often looked at as confusing for people, but I don't hold him to different standards than I would otherwise because he's married.

I expect the same type of phone calls, the same emails, the same amount of time I would get with any man I was involved with, I don't expect him to tell me lies, we go out, we do things, we socialize with my friends and his, we exchange gifts, we vacation together.

Yes, he has a wife.. but I knew that.

 

I was actually going to post something like this but the thread was so heavily derailed I decided not to. I'm glad you said it.

 

I feel exactly the same. Well before MM I started a R with someone who worked overseas. I accepted he worked there and our time together was limited. I was good with that until he decided he'd take a promotion and have a larger area to monitor and extra couple of years til he came back to the States. He changed the parameters of our R and I ended up ending it. Not so much because he made the change but because he did it without saying a word to me. He had been pushing to get serious when he came back and had all sorts of plans. Then he took it upon himself to change everything. So did I.

 

The R you go into is the R you agreed upon. If things change and you aren't made privy to the change there's no reason you shouldn't be upset.

[Summer Breeze]

I should also add that if I'd suddenly started demanding he leave his wife to be with me, or telling him I wanted him to move closer or any number of other things that werene't part of our agreement, I'd fully understand if they were dealbreakers for him. Our relationship has changed over time, we've had growth and we've had challenges, but we've discussed it together, neither of us have made decisions that changed the framework and foundation of what we have without talking to the other, and it has nothing to do with it being an affair it has to do with it being a relationship.

 

That rings so true with me LFH. When I ended it I told him I wanted more. It was the first time I brought it up and I knew it was going to change things. He did too but I think he figured I'd mope and pout a little and then we'd be back to normal. In my mind too much had changed and it was done. I gave him the chance, he said no, I said 'bye. I'm all for evolving but you do have to grow together.

[HonestNeurotic]

How would you react if you found out you were not the only OW/OM?

 

Depends. If he TOLD me, well, I'm sure I'd have to think about it. After all, it was just about the sex for me. The reason for the affair, that is. He was the one that was all about the falling in love. I'm the one that is pretty sure it's just his mid life crisis.

 

I like things as they are for the most part between us. But if he had another? Deal breaker. Because he didn't need to lie to me.

 

I think the dynamic is different when the OW is single. Or when the OW is looking to live the rest of her life "someday" with her MM.

[Summer Breeze]

SB......not going to debate that as its more disruptive to the thread.

 

My reaction as an OW would be to end the R, but amazingly not all OW feel that way.

 

When I informed one of H OW that kept contacting him after he ended it that she was just one of many her response was "I dont care about that. I only care about whats between him and me."

 

Another one when told called H to complain I was being mean to her and to "make sure he knew I was betraying his trust."

 

Mindboggling responses to me.

 

I don't understand that response either to be honest. I wouldn't pitch a fit if he'd have found someone but it would have been a case of him changing things and me not being in the decision. I actually see it as I saw my xH cheating on me -- dealbreaker.

[Summer Breeze]

You are banging the guy for sex. I would only be upset because of the risk of STD. I agree, I would stop right there.

 

 

However, I would not be surprised about the lies. That is the part that gets me---------------- when OW have a d-day with OOW they act just like a BW. I think one needs to be out of touch to react in that manner.

 

The first thing I'd like to say is that since I've don't recall a whole lot of OW who have been in here talking about their MM seeing an OOW. I don't honestly recall any but I'm not saying there have been none. I do know a lot of BS have said they've discovered multiple APs but I don't have any OW/OM who stick in my mind specifically. It always feels like this is one 'topic' normally brought up less by OW/OM than others to drive home some point that I quite honestly is pretty silly and invalid.

 

Pierre I gather you think there should be an expectation and acceptance for the AP that the MP is going to have another in the wings?

[Summer Breeze]

Not, all cheating persons need more than one, but it happens.

 

I would not be surprised. I think some OWs are actually quite naive and expect fidelity. In that regard they are as naive as the wife at home.

 

I don't know about expecting fidelity as much as expecting to enter into the A/R and expecting it not to change. I don't think that's unreasonable. If it is changed by the MP I don't see why it's surprising it would be a dealbreaker or irksome. At that point they'd have to make their choices on how and if they go on just like a BW would.

 

So you don't think they should have the expectation that the R should be what they agreed to? Does that mean you think they should go into the R with the expectation there will be another AP brought into the mix?

[Tressugar]

I would accept it and stay. I couldn't be upset because if he was cheating with me, he also would be cheating on me.

 

When you sleep with dogs you get fleas.

 

I knew he was a snake when I slept with him.

[Spark1111]

I don't know about expecting fidelity as much as expecting to enter into the A/R and expecting it not to change. I don't think that's unreasonable. If it is changed by the MP I don't see why it's surprising it would be a dealbreaker or irksome. At that point they'd have to make their choices on how and if they go on just like a BW would.

 

So you don't think they should have the expectation that the R should be what they agreed to? Does that mean you think they should go into the R with the expectation there will be another AP brought into the mix?

 

But that's exactly what a BS feels; the relationship was not what they agreed to and they were lied and deceived to be with one OW, or more than one OW.

 

A MM has the perfect cover: Don't call me cuz I am home tonight with the wife.

 

To the wife: I have a business dinner and may not hear the phone, or whatever excuse he uses to be with his primary OW.

 

I mean, how would you ever know for sure? You couldn't.

 

Every OW seems to want to believe he ONLY lies to his wife because he is miserable, but HE LOVES ME so would never lie to me.

 

Is that realistic? There are so many times he is unavailable to you too. Maybe it is another OW. Could be. like I said, being married gives him the perfect cover.

[Spark1111]

No one said it WASN'T the same thing. In fact to me, it's exactly the same thing... and I know I'm not forgiving enough to forgive it.

 

And you don't feel you are at a severe disadvantage in ascertaining the truth by the very fact that he is married, and out of consideration to him and perhaps, his BS, there are strict parameters of when and when not to contact him?

 

How would you know? You couldn't know. The very same ways he has learned to keep you secret from his spouse, are the very same ways he can keep OOW secret from you, no?

[Summer Breeze]

But that's exactly what a BS feels; the relationship was not what they agreed to and they were lied and deceived to be with one OW, or more than one OW.

I couldn't agree with you any more than I do. You have an expectation and you've been made promises so you expect them to be kept. It's exactly the same for the OW as the BS. If it changes you have every right to react however you choose to whether it's anger or ending it or whatever.

 

A MM has the perfect cover: Don't call me cuz I am home tonight with the wife.

I didn't have that issue and I wouldn't have been with him if he had insisted on it. I called on his home line if I couldn't get to him on his cell. And what difference does it make. This isn't about excuses or how he would carry it out. It's about the OW/OM reaction.

 

To the wife: I have a business dinner and may not hear the phone, or whatever excuse he uses to be with his primary OW.

Again about the reaction of the OW/OM. This is irrelevant.

 

 

I mean, how would you ever know for sure? You couldn't.

No more than I could be sure any of my partners through my life have been faithful. You're right. But I took him at his word then, he never lied to me, and we're together now. Actually the only untruth he gave me was that he would never leave home. Just like you I'm taking a calculated risk to have faith in him. That's pretty much what any R is. A calcultated risk.

 

Every OW seems to want to believe he ONLY lies to his wife because he is miserable, but HE LOVES ME so would never lie to me.

I believed him because I had an R with him. He knew that if I ever caught him lying it was over and he never has. His xW actually confirmed a lot of stuff during ddays. Some MM will never lie to their OW and some will. Much like some Hs or Ws lie.

 

Is that realistic? To me, yes it is. There are so many times he is unavailable to you too. Maybe it is another OW. Could be. like I said, being married gives him the perfect cover.

Yes it could be the perfect cover in some cases. Does your H still work late? Could that still be a cover? Yes, but you trust in him and he's worked hard to regain the trust. The cover could still be there just like it could be with an OW for an OOW.

 

Like I said in a previous post the posts from OW where there are OOW are few and far between. This is more something brought up by others than APs.

 

Answers in bold

[carhill]

When I found out, my thought was 'that makes sense'.

 

People do what they do.

[Summer Breeze]

When I found out, my thought was 'that makes sense'.

 

People do what they do.

 

That they do. I have no problem admitting I get upset if I have an expectation in an R and it gets dismissed or broken. They're going to do what they do and I'll react how I do.

[Summer Breeze]

The problem is, for a FWS, they are no longer in "liar liar pants on fire" mode after D Day and an agreement to fix the WS' issues and to fix the issues within the M. That is, of course, except for in the case of a WS who is SUCH a liar that he/she lies to everyone all the time, and they are carrying on the A while in counseling, etc.

 

For a WS still in the A, they are still in "liar liar" mode. They haven't yet proven they can live an authentic life. At all.

 

THAT is why most of us think "The WS lies to the BS, they're lying to you too." They are in liar liar mode. It's already known that they lie to get what they want from one person. Why would they stop at one?

 

I understand what you're saying and as I've said in my posts sometimes they will lie to the AP and sometimes they won't. No matter what 'mode' they're in if you have an R with them there is an expectation and there's no reason to not be upset if they go beyond that expectation. No matter how you cut it, it's a broken trust and an AP would have every right to be upset if they found out about another one. In my opinion anyway.

 

Like I said though. I've rarely seen it in here so it's really not the issue some like to try and make it.

[Summer Breeze]

...except the liar knows the AP is okay with them being one.

 

I see your point, SB, but I have to disagree. Condoning lying to the degree it has to be done to maintain an A, no matter what side of the coin you're on, sends a clear message to the liar. That's just how I feel about it.

 

I'm done now. Carry on!

 

I also see what you're saying but I don't agree that it's some automatic acceptance that the MAP is allowed to lie and no one can be upset if they catch them doing it. As I said it's my opinion and I don't think the whole OOW thing is more something that gets thrown out as ammunition more than we ever se it being a real issue most OW face.

 

Thanks for the civilized debate. Peace out!

[Summer Breeze]

Oh, I don't think they expect no one to be upset. I think, just as in the avoidance they display by not addressing their internal issues and/or the M issues, they will deal with that when they HAVE to. But for now they can have it all!

 

As for it being a real issue or not, the MM/MW are good liars. That's why they are able to carry on lengthy A's.

 

Sorry my horrible writing technique ( ) coming into play. I mean that posters here seem to think that the OW/OM shouldn't be upset, not the MAP thinks they shouldn't be upset.

 

And on the second paragraph I was referring to the fact the whole OOW/OOM is something I have very rarely, if ever seen posted here by OW/OM.

 

I'm sorry jja. I should know better than to talk, work, and post all at the same time. Sorry about that!

[Summer Breeze]

Oh, gotcha. But I don't think posters think no one should be upset. I think they just feel they shouldn't be surprised that a liar lies.

 

Again, the liar is very good at his/her lying. Would an OW/OM even KNOW if there was another OW/OM?

Maybe not but the premise of the thread is the reaction if and when they find out so I'm going on the assumption they already know and how they react to it.

 

You oughta see me try to walk and chew gum at the same time!

 

Thanks jja. I really do appreciate the actual debate and conversation on this. I get what is being said but I don't think it's the reality of the dynamics of an A.

 

Thanks again. Put away your Juicy Fruit and don't trip!

[skylarblue]

I imagine I'd feel similar to what most BW feel upon discovery: betrayed, hurt, angry, disappointed, deceived, filled with thoughts, questions, and doubts. Although my anger would probably prevent me from asking or caring, I'd still be curious as to the who, how, when, and whys. And even though my ego and pride would outweigh any doubts, I'm sure I will feel an impact no matter how brief. However, in no way would I stand for it. It would be over immediately. The one R with his W, I agreed to. Any other secret R would be unacceptable (as our secret A was unacceptable to her). I couldn't get pass the lies, betrayal, or my mistrust. He wouldn't be the person I thought I knew and nothing would have been able to restore my faith or confidence in him and his word.

[HonestNeurotic]

In my previous affair, it ended just because of THAT reason. An OOW. Not because I cared that he had one, but because he LIED about it. He's a serial cheater, and I knew that going in. Though he's kept them to one at a time. However, I can safely say that he'd bang a different woman every day if that worked out for him. Most woman won't hang around him long as they want some emotional commitment and he is totally not that kinda dude.

 

I was pissed. I was livid. I found out that a month after we had broken it off he finally got CAUGHT by his wife and she kicked him out. I kinda had a little evil glee in me when I heard that. It was time for us to end anyway, I'd been hinting that he'd need to find another. There were no words of love or anything like that at all. I think the OOW dropped him as well. Most women are not content without some kind of emotional attachment, and this man is totally unable to give one or even PRETEND.

 

He thinks it was me that told his wife, (so I've heard). Funny, about once a month he sends me a text, sexual in nature. Which I just ignore. He's not an evil dude. Just not "relationship" material. We've spent many hours talking about these things. He's still waiting to meet that "love of his life". He's had an OW since before he was married 25 years ago. When they want something MORE, he bails.

 

I hesitated to write of HIM, because I didn't have that "love connection" thing going on with him. At. All. The sex was kinda crappy, but I was lazy and well, it was enough of a distraction for me for four years. But I was oh so angry. Not because he had another, but because he LIED.

 

So - I went and found another partner. I purposely PICKed a married man because I don't want some love connection. I have a sexless marriage, where everything else is just great. We have an open marriage, though he doesn't ask and I don't tell.

 

And this guy I picked chose to fall in love with me and well, I do love him. Though I am hyper aware that it's all just within "the Affair Compartment/bubble" as Pierre has written of. I do. It's CHANGED things. Yeah, sure, I'd THINK about it if he had another, but I honestly don't think that I'd be anything but HURT. Very HURT. I don't have a problem with polyamory, and I am not looking to ride off into the sunset with this man.

 

Two extremes in these two affairs. And it's actually got me in a pickle with myself cuz I said I wasn't going to do any "love" thing. And here I am, doing just that. I anticipate the day when he has a dday and I will be so very hurt. I've sincerely never had this experience in my life and it's drug like. It's really changed me. It's changed how I look at sex.

 

Safe sex is also a MUST. Always a MUST. I watched my only sibling, my baby brother, die at age 39 from AIDS.