How would you react if you found out you were not the only OW/OM?

[Sarabi]

This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

 

I didn't read anyone else's replies just yet.

I would just like to say that if he had been seeing someone else, I would feel more bad for his wife than I do now to be honest

What would I stay for, there is nothing to work out? Lol...he is not mine!

Would I demand NC with the other woman? Nah...its fine. He can carry on as he pleases...its not me who can demand that.

[Washingmachine1980]

Drop them for sure. That is just a disaster waiting to happen. They will caught because that is a lot of women to juggle and will probably get a STD too! All that is just too gross and nasty to me.

[AnotherRound]

I would have walked away without hesitation and without a glance backwards - as I would with any relationship that I have been in if I discovered infidelity. We had an agreement - we discussed it and both willingly participated in it. There was no legal contract, no marriage, no reason to not just walk away if he wanted something else, or if I did. There was no pressure to lie to one another as there sometimes can be in attempting to avoid divorce.

 

I do not put up with infidelity in my life. What his exW puts up with is her business, not mine, and her issue, not mine. Doesn't mean that I have to put up with it too! lol I once had an ex bf that I was breaking up with say to me, "You let your last boyfriend get away with way more crap than me and I mess up one time and you're breaking up with me! That's unfair! I should get as many chances as he got!"... Um, what? lol Nope, you live and you learn, and you adjust your boundaries and realize new deal breakers. That's progress.

 

Just bc exMM had a relationship outside of his marriage does not in any way mean that I have to agree to that too, nor would I. He was and still is well aware that I would end things promptly and without pomp and circumstance if he was dishonest with me. He may not think that is fair (actual exMM does in fact think it's fair, but let's say hypothetically) but that would be his issue not mine. These are the boundaries of relationships with ME - the boundaries of relationships with his exW are of no concern, or relevance, to me or mine.

 

My exMM did move on to another OW after I ended it with him and some people here were horrified. To me, it was simply him moving on to his next relationship - not a big deal, happens every day - and every person I've been in a relationship in with prior has since moved on, as have I. I think that sometimes, it isn't he APs that have an unrealistic view of what an affair is, but the BSs and casual observers who simply have no idea as to how it is just a relationship - not a magical scenario that has a whole other set of rules, lol.

[Spark1111]

I do not understand the thinking that denigrates a marital relationship to a lesser relationship of importance than any other relationship, say, between a boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I guess if you buy into the delusional fantasy that marriage is entrapment from which there is no escape, I suppose it works for some to view the BS as the evil jailer, or you really empathize with someone who holds the division of their money with greater importance than the loss of their honesty and integrity, or elevating their relationship with their AP to an authentic one.

 

being married seems to make shi$ty behavior all a ok. Why? because your AP is married to Cruella Deville.

 

It almost seems to me that someone having a spouse allows the AP to believe there affair relationship must be honest but remains truly risk free as in, if rejected, the rejection is NEVER personal, but rather situational, as in, your partner is MARRIED. Sigh....no one's fault.

 

As I would never, have ever dated a man who had another girlfriend, I certainly could never adapt to the mindset that being married, somehow made the chap more admiral.

 

I certainly WOULD NEVER be able to assume he would never lie to me IF he is lying daily to his spouse. He is probably lying to his kids, boss, the IRS and his grandmother too.

 

To convince myself otherwise smacks of desperation, neediness and delusional thinking.

 

I am NOT that special that me and my love alone would transform a cheating liar into an honest, caring, loving man.

 

maybe in time he could become that, but not because of me.

 

THAT is the romanticized version so many want and need to believe.

 

Good luck to you if you do.

[White Flower]

If you are more than enough for him, I assume he has left his wife for you.

There are many reasons men come up with to stay M that have nothing to do with their BW being enough woman for them!!! They usually have something to do with duty, image as provider and success, and kids. It wouldn't be ok with me as a BW, and that is why I D'd.

The scenario you describe is more common than you think. :/

 

Most seasoned cheaters do have more than one woman on the string. They may not be sleeping with the other woman, but bet your bottom dollar they have their feelers out there.

 

It is called a contingent plan: When the wife finds out about you and the proverbial craps hits the fan - you get dumped. The dust settles and WH makes nice at home for awhile. When things calm down, WH picks up with one of the other women he has been flirting with. He probably wont go back to you because you are on the wife's radar now and she will be watching you (and him) like a hawk.

I won't agree that most MM are that way, but I often challenge my OW counterparts to at least consider it once. It's just smart to visit the idea that it could happen to you, and not just to OW but to anyone.

 

The R you go into is the R you agreed upon. If things change and you aren't made privy to the change there's no reason you shouldn't be upset.

This it it ^^^^^

 

We know what we signed up for and we expect it to remain that way, just as any BS, until terms are renegotiated. I always prided myself on good comms as well as our R so knowing there were lies caused for a dismal time for us.

 

Going into a R like this, we are aware that the MP probably had avoidance issues that caused them to seek happiness elsewhere, so keeping this in mind we broach the subject of clear and open lines of comms up front. "Lets not make the same mistake we made in our Ms" is a commonly used statement, so having the same mistake made in the non-primary R is an unacceptable act according to the agreed upon terms.

 

 

 

However, I would not be surprised about the lies. That is the part that gets me---------------- when OW have a d-day with OOW they act just like a BW. I think one needs to be out of touch to react in that manner.

Not when you've actually discussed it up front. Often WS find they can be honest with the AP whereas they can't with their BS. Some WS are actually seeking their happiness, divorcing, and marrying their APs for that reason.

 

The first thing I'd like to say is that since I've don't recall a whole lot of OW who have been in here talking about their MM seeing an OOW. I don't honestly recall any but I'm not saying there have been none. I do know a lot of BS have said they've discovered multiple APs but I don't have any OW/OM who stick in my mind specifically. It always feels like this is one 'topic' normally brought up less by OW/OM than others to drive home some point that I quite honestly is pretty silly and invalid.

 

Probably because we know we are going to be chased all over the forums and being slapped in the face with it. But I don't care, my story doesn't seem to bother me as much as it bothers others.

 

The problem is, for a FWS, they are no longer in "liar liar pants on fire" mode after D Day and an agreement to fix the WS' issues and to fix the issues within the M. That is, of course, except for in the case of a WS who is SUCH a liar that he/she lies to everyone all the time, and they are carrying on the A while in counseling, etc.

 

For a WS still in the A, they are still in "liar liar" mode. They haven't yet proven they can live an authentic life. At all.

 

THAT is why most of us think "The WS lies to the BS, they're lying to you too." They are in liar liar mode. It's already known that they lie to get what they want from one person. Why would they stop at one?

I need to check my book on literary fallacies to check whether this is a Straw Man or another fallacy but at any rate I get what you're saying.

 

Barring the fact that many WS share the truth with their AP and not the spouse, I agree that the "liar, liar" WS exists and he is the one who lies to everyone. But not all WS who lie to their W also lie to their OW.

 

This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

Hi 3L,

 

Good question and though I'm late to the thread you've asked the right person because this did not hypothetically happen to me.

 

How would I feel about the whole situation? Pretty darn hurt. But he wasn't currently sleeping with anyone at the time which was proven to me later. I was hurt that I was told I was his first OW. Haha, I was his last...but about his 5th or 6th. Many doors were open though, and I needed to close them if I was going to stay. I reacted by confirming my suspicions, then confronting my MOM.

 

I told him I knew about his little harem and had I known he had one I'd have never signed up for this. I made no ultimatums, I just walked away. I told him his secret was safe with me but I wanted no part of it. I did think of printing everything I had out for his W but the idea around here was why hurt an innocent victim even if you think you'd be helping her. I now believe that's true because she knows and still stays. But she will always look over her shoulder.

 

xMM decided he would shut all doors and then he did everything he could to win me back. I got passwords to his only secret email account and both cell phones. No OOW was calling him and all exOOW emailed to complain that he hadn't been around in a very long time. I had sufficient proof that things were now what I signed up for.

 

This became a time of extreme bonding for xMM and me. We explored all the reasons he may have become serial and developed the deepest intimacy either of us had ever experienced which is probably why we can never really say goodbye altogether though the A is over. He is still in IC.

 

Breaking up was probably akin to making a demand, though I never formally did. He wanted me with him so he took measures to ensure I stayed. It was worth it for a very long time.

 

Drop them for sure. That is just a disaster waiting to happen. They will caught because that is a lot of women to juggle and will probably get a STD too! All that is just too gross and nasty to me.

Funny enough, I got tested after learning xMM had wandered the entire 40+ years of his M and all my tests came back negative.

 

His W got tested after she learned about me and hers came out negative as well. I wasn't surprised.

[White Flower]

I do not understand the thinking that denigrates a marital relationship to a lesser relationship of importance than any other relationship, say, between a boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I guess if you buy into the delusional fantasy that marriage is entrapment from which there is no escape, I suppose it works for some to view the BS as the evil jailer, or you really empathize with someone who holds the division of their money with greater importance than the loss of their honesty and integrity, or elevating their relationship with their AP to an authentic one.

 

being married seems to make shi$ty behavior all a ok. Why? because your AP is married to Cruella Deville.

 

It almost seems to me that someone having a spouse allows the AP to believe there affair relationship must be honest but remains truly risk free as in, if rejected, the rejection is NEVER personal, but rather situational, as in, your partner is MARRIED. Sigh....no one's fault.

 

As I would never, have ever dated a man who had another girlfriend, I certainly could never adapt to the mindset that being married, somehow made the chap more admiral.

 

I certainly WOULD NEVER be able to assume he would never lie to me IF he is lying daily to his spouse. He is probably lying to his kids, boss, the IRS and his grandmother too.

 

To convince myself otherwise smacks of desperation, neediness and delusional thinking.

 

I am NOT that special that me and my love alone would transform a cheating liar into an honest, caring, loving man.

 

maybe in time he could become that, but not because of me.

 

THAT is the romanticized version so many want and need to believe.

 

Good luck to you if you do.

I don't know if you are addressing OP here, but I think it is true of everyone, especially the BS, and mostly because of your opening statement.

[AnotherRound]

I don't know if you are addressing OP here, but I think it is true of everyone, especially the BS, and mostly because of your opening statement.

 

I think too that there is a serious disconnect - that some people have a really difficult time believing that good people sometimes feel forced to lie and live a double life. I often hear how "easy" it is to leave a spouse, and your home and your children and "just get divorced". I, in fact, used to believe this - UNTIL I wanted a divorce, and went through with one. Wow, did my delusion end there about how "easy" that process was - and we didn't even have children!

 

I see it as a black and white thinking problem. In that, some people are VERY uncomfortable with two opposing things being true at the same time - they can't make sense of it, and force themselves to believe it HAS to be one way or the other. Good men don't lie, bad men always lie, good men don't have affairs, etc on and on about everything in life. So, they can't get their brains around the fact that sometimes, good people do things outside of their character bc they don't know what else to do.

 

We are all primitive beings in that we try our damnedest to avoid pain - and divorce = pain, no matter the situation. It = stress, good and bad, no matter the situation. When a person is in survival mode, they will do things that they wouldn't otherwise do (cannibalism anyone? lol).

 

So, for some, the truth of that makes them very uncomfortable. So, they twist and bend reality into these nice and neat little categories that make sense to them bc it makes them feel better - more secure, less confused, and less uneasy about the unpredictability of life in general, let alone relationships. It's a sad thing to witness sometimes, but I am hopeful that at some point those people will see that two different things can, and often are, true at the same time.

 

Sometimes, honest men lie, good men cheat, hard working people steal, etc. etc. It doesn't negate the good in those people, it is simply a matter of survival. Would you steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving child if you had no other choice? I would - and I'm okay with that - it doesn't scare me that I know that I would resort to something of that nature if I was in a situation that I couldn't navigate myself out of safely - we, as humans, are hardwired for survival. And, emotional and physical intimacy are necessary for survival -not having those things will make people do things that they would not otherwise do.

 

It's not about the AP being "more special" than the BS - but meeting the needs of the WS "beter"... just a better fit, not a big deal, and not a competition. I know that some want to make it to be about that, but I have yet seen a case of an affair where that was the issue. It seems to almost always be about needs not being met - and the WS taking drastic measures to have those needs met. And I agree with what you said earlier about the affair being so open and honest - as that was my experience. My exMM and I were honest with one another about things we would have never shared with our spouses, and that served only to deepen our bond and further encourage us to see that we were a good fit. And, like you said, we were not going to make the same mistakes again that we made with our spouses with each other -

[AnotherRound]

I do not understand the thinking that denigrates a marital relationship to a lesser relationship of importance than any other relationship, say, between a boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I guess if you buy into the delusional fantasy that marriage is entrapment from which there is no escape, I suppose it works for some to view the BS as the evil jailer, or you really empathize with someone who holds the division of their money with greater importance than the loss of their honesty and integrity, or elevating their relationship with their AP to an authentic one.

 

being married seems to make shi$ty behavior all a ok. Why? because your AP is married to Cruella Deville.

 

It almost seems to me that someone having a spouse allows the AP to believe there affair relationship must be honest but remains truly risk free as in, if rejected, the rejection is NEVER personal, but rather situational, as in, your partner is MARRIED. Sigh....no one's fault.

 

As I would never, have ever dated a man who had another girlfriend, I certainly could never adapt to the mindset that being married, somehow made the chap more admiral.

 

I certainly WOULD NEVER be able to assume he would never lie to me IF he is lying daily to his spouse. He is probably lying to his kids, boss, the IRS and his grandmother too.

 

To convince myself otherwise smacks of desperation, neediness and delusional thinking.

 

I am NOT that special that me and my love alone would transform a cheating liar into an honest, caring, loving man.

 

maybe in time he could become that, but not because of me.

 

THAT is the romanticized version so many want and need to believe.

 

Good luck to you if you do.

 

Hmmm... I don't believe that a marriage simply by existing is a "lesser" relationship than any other. I do believe, however, that by its very nature that marriage weakens a relationship for many couples. The divorce rate is at over 50% nowadays, isn't it? I mean, it's obvious (or seems obvious to me) that the institution of marriage as it has been defined historically just does not work for today's society. I really have no idea why people keep taking part in it, honestly, as the failure rate is so high and the success rate so low.

 

I'm not a gambler, and for me, I don't want to add anything to my relationship that makes someone feel "obligated" to stay in it far past its functionality. That is where marriage, the legal contract, does harm, imo. It makes a relationship into a financial and legal contract and makes it difficult to leave. I know why some people want to make it difficult to leave a marriage (a relationship that is legally contracted) - so that they can feel secure - but honestly, let's break that down.

 

When you really reach deep down in your heart and think about that - is that what you want? Someone to legally contract with you something that they can't guarantee? I mean, this isn't buying a couch- where I can show you what I make and how much I should be able to pay each month for however many months. This is love, feelings - it's not tangible, it's not predictable - yet, so many people continue to take that gamble and expect it to work out like a business contract - to be honored "no matter what".

 

To me, that is delusional, and unrealistic. Why would you want someone to stay with you if they don't want to? Why would you want to add in a contract to a relationship and try to use that contract to make someone stay somewhere that they don't, in their heart, want to be? (I'm not saying that you do this, I'm just talking hypothetically here). For me, I want genuine - and freedom to leave if anyone wants to. Freedom to cut your losses and walk away. Freedom to end a relationship that is no longer based on love and trust without having to go to court and have a contract discussed, dissected, and ruled upon. I want the freedom to handle my life like an adult and be able to say, "I'm done, I'm leaving" and that be the end of it. Not ten years in family court, bogging down the system, in an effort to keep something that is no longer valid or true or voluntary. Or, to take something that isn't mine, or protect something that IS mine from someone else taking it.

 

It's an old system, and needs to be revamped, imo. The fact that so many people still buy into it - well, that's what I see as delusional. It would be like contracting to others on a wish - talk about gambling. Not all marriages are like that - my grandparents were married for 50 years and they were always in love. But let's be honest, that is RARE. Marriage works for a very small amount of people - those that can keep it real for all those years. The rest of them? Eh, it just doesn't work. ANd it's nothing to do with either person involved, or their lack of whatever - but the combination of the two together. It's a crap shoot, and sometimes, you lose - if you want to bet the farm on it early on - then it seems silly to get angry later on when it doesn't work out the way you had it planned in your head - especially when the odds were completely apparent and available from the get go.

[Spark1111]

I think too that there is a serious disconnect - that some people have a really difficult time believing that good people sometimes feel forced to lie and live a double life. I often hear how "easy" it is to leave a spouse, and your home and your children and "just get divorced". I, in fact, used to believe this - UNTIL I wanted a divorce, and went through with one. Wow, did my delusion end there about how "easy" that process was - and we didn't even have children!

 

I see it as a black and white thinking problem. In that, some people are VERY uncomfortable with two opposing things being true at the same time - they can't make sense of it, and force themselves to believe it HAS to be one way or the other. Good men don't lie, bad men always lie, good men don't have affairs, etc on and on about everything in life. So, they can't get their brains around the fact that sometimes, good people do things outside of their character bc they don't know what else to do.

 

We are all primitive beings in that we try our damnedest to avoid pain - and divorce = pain, no matter the situation. It = stress, good and bad, no matter the situation. When a person is in survival mode, they will do things that they wouldn't otherwise do (cannibalism anyone? lol).

 

So, for some, the truth of that makes them very uncomfortable. So, they twist and bend reality into these nice and neat little categories that make sense to them bc it makes them feel better - more secure, less confused, and less uneasy about the unpredictability of life in general, let alone relationships. It's a sad thing to witness sometimes, but I am hopeful that at some point those people will see that two different things can, and often are, true at the same time.

 

Sometimes, honest men lie, good men cheat, hard working people steal, etc. etc. It doesn't negate the good in those people, it is simply a matter of survival. Would you steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving child if you had no other choice? I would - and I'm okay with that - it doesn't scare me that I know that I would resort to something of that nature if I was in a situation that I couldn't navigate myself out of safely - we, as humans, are hardwired for survival. And, emotional and physical intimacy are necessary for survival -not having those things will make people do things that they would not otherwise do.

 

It's not about the AP being "more special" than the BS - but meeting the needs of the WS "beter"... just a better fit, not a big deal, and not a competition. I know that some want to make it to be about that, but I have yet seen a case of an affair where that was the issue. It seems to almost always be about needs not being met - and the WS taking drastic measures to have those needs met. And I agree with what you said earlier about the affair being so open and honest - as that was my experience. My exMM and I were honest with one another about things we would have never shared with our spouses, and that served only to deepen our bond and further encourage us to see that we were a good fit. And, like you said, we were not going to make the same mistakes again that we made with our spouses with each other -

 

My thinking isn't black and white but my values are.

 

Since I view affairs as very destructive and basically unfulfilling for ALL parties involved, I wouldn't date a man who had a SO because I see it as unhealthy for ME.

 

And if he could lie and deceive his SO, I would not believe he could not, if it suited his "pain" also lie to me.

[TaraMaiden]

I'd quietly gather all the info I could on the other OW's, arrange a meeting and compare notes.

Then present him with our conclusions, and send his wife a copy.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm... I don't believe that a marriage simply by existing is a "lesser" relationship than any other. I do believe, however, that by its very nature that marriage weakens a relationship for many couples. The divorce rate is at over 50% nowadays, isn't it? I mean, it's obvious (or seems obvious to me) that the institution of marriage as it has been defined historically just does not work for today's society. I really have no idea why people keep taking part in it, honestly, as the failure rate is so high and the success rate so low.

 

I'm not a gambler, and for me, I don't want to add anything to my relationship that makes someone feel "obligated" to stay in it far past its functionality. That is where marriage, the legal contract, does harm, imo. It makes a relationship into a financial and legal contract and makes it difficult to leave. I know why some people want to make it difficult to leave a marriage (a relationship that is legally contracted) - so that they can feel secure - but honestly, let's break that down.

 

When you really reach deep down in your heart and think about that - is that what you want? Someone to legally contract with you something that they can't guarantee? I mean, this isn't buying a couch- where I can show you what I make and how much I should be able to pay each month for however many months. This is love, feelings - it's not tangible, it's not predictable - yet, so many people continue to take that gamble and expect it to work out like a business contract - to be honored "no matter what".

 

To me, that is delusional, and unrealistic. Why would you want someone to stay with you if they don't want to? Why would you want to add in a contract to a relationship and try to use that contract to make someone stay somewhere that they don't, in their heart, want to be? (I'm not saying that you do this, I'm just talking hypothetically here). For me, I want genuine - and freedom to leave if anyone wants to. Freedom to cut your losses and walk away. Freedom to end a relationship that is no longer based on love and trust without having to go to court and have a contract discussed, dissected, and ruled upon. I want the freedom to handle my life like an adult and be able to say, "I'm done, I'm leaving" and that be the end of it. Not ten years in family court, bogging down the system, in an effort to keep something that is no longer valid or true or voluntary. Or, to take something that isn't mine, or protect something that IS mine from someone else taking it.

 

It's an old system, and needs to be revamped, imo. The fact that so many people still buy into it - well, that's what I see as delusional. It would be like contracting to others on a wish - talk about gambling. Not all marriages are like that - my grandparents were married for 50 years and they were always in love. But let's be honest, that is RARE. Marriage works for a very small amount of people - those that can keep it real for all those years. The rest of them? Eh, it just doesn't work. ANd it's nothing to do with either person involved, or their lack of whatever - but the combination of the two together. It's a crap shoot, and sometimes, you lose - if you want to bet the farm on it early on - then it seems silly to get angry later on when it doesn't work out the way you had it planned in your head - especially when the odds were completely apparent and available from the get go.

 

I get it. You do not believe many a marriage works well. Maybe your marriage did not and I understand once bitten, twice shy.

 

I concede many a person does not do marriage well. They were never taught how to manage conflict, have realistic expectations, negotiate change and compromise, communicate needs clearly and kindly, continue to make the romantic efforts to forge intimacy.

 

But they can with a desire to learn and really good counseling.

 

Or, they can blame their spouse and have one affair after another seeking that illusive " something" that makes them feel more alive and lie, lie, lie to achieve a feeling.

[Bittersweetie]

This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

 

After a short time when I first knew my xOM, he "broke up" with me because he decided to pursue another extramarital relationship. I was devastated, angry, upset. Sent nasty emails, etc. We had no agreement, but since I thought he was so special that I was taking a huge risk, I assumed/projected the same for him. Obviously that wasn't true, I wasn't really all that special, and it hurt.

 

Just after that he still would say things like "I want to see you but I can't." I guess that's what I held on to for months until we started talking regularly again. I asked about the girlfriend and he said they were done. So I thought, OK, I'll risk again.

 

After blowing me off multiple times and such, he eventually he told me that it wasn't actually over, it was a "dying relationship." I wasn't devastated this time but I was angry and annoyed...for the same reason...I thought I was special and wasn't. But since my self-esteem was in the gutter I let him talk me into going out with him again..."don't do this to me, don't stop talking to me too"...ugh.

 

In my experience that's why some OW may get so upset about the OOW...it's the thought, I am so special that you will risk your marriage for me. But if there's OOW...then it's just a sign of serial cheating or a pattern, no specialness involved.

[MissBee]

I think you have to define cheating in a relationship. I've said that on probably a hundred posts when someone says "is this cheating", or "am I cheating" or "is he cheating?"

What did the TWO of YOU decide was cheating? For instance there are couples that feel that cybersex with others is ok, or porn, or kissing, or anything but penetration and couples that feel that neither should ever touch a member of the opposite sex in any way or be alone with them in a room. Those are ALL perfectly acceptable definitions of cheating to the people that they are impacting, and they should be honored. They are agreed upon parameters and accepted limitations. It's why couples should have that conversation, "What do you think is ok?" because no two couples are going to have the exact same rules.

 

"No I don't mind you going to lunch with an old friend from high school! As long as it isn't that Peggy girl... "

or "Yeah, I bet you'd love to have lunch with her, go for it!"

or "Ok.. but I wish I was going to."

or "Why do you think I should be ok with this."

 

But see, in my relationship, we had that talk. I know about his wife, I accept that she is part of the equation and therefor that doesn't fall into "cheating" on me. Another woman would.

It's that simple.

 

This makes sense.

[White Flower]

I get it. You do not believe many a marriage works well. Maybe your marriage did not and I understand once bitten, twice shy.

 

I concede many a person does not do marriage well. They were never taught how to manage conflict, have realistic expectations, negotiate change and compromise, communicate needs clearly and kindly, continue to make the romantic efforts to forge intimacy.

 

But they can with a desire to learn and really good counseling.

 

Or, they can blame their spouse and have one affair after another seeking that illusive " something" that makes them feel more alive and lie, lie, lie to achieve a feeling.

 

I would be offended if I were AR because you're assuming that since she may have had a bad experience with M that she didn't know how to work through issues or make an appointment with a counselor, or care enough. M is two-sided, and it takes both partners to work on it. Even if they both work on it, they are still lucky if it works in the end.

 

If your H decided to stay with the OW and filed for D would you like people thinking you didn't have the wherewithall to keep a M together? That you weren't taught to do all that was mentioned above? I'm sorry, but you can only speak for you and your spouse can speak for himself and some of our spouses weren't like yours in being willing learn.

[AnotherRound]

I would be offended if I were AR because you're assuming that since she may have had a bad experience with M that she didn't know how to work through issues or make an appointment with a counselor, or care enough. M is two-sided, and it takes both partners to work on it. Even if they both work on it, they are still lucky if it works in the end.

 

If your H decided to stay with the OW and filed for D would you like people thinking you didn't have the wherewithall to keep a M together? That you weren't taught to do all that was mentioned above? I'm sorry, but you can only speak for you and your spouse can speak for himself and some of our spouses weren't like yours in being willing learn.

 

Eh - I saw the post and simply ignored it, lol. I know a jab when I see it - and whatevs. Thanks though for noticing it.

 

I have a very strong sense of who I am, so when something is said that is untrue about myself, I just let it go. It doesn't hurt me, but obviously makes the other person feel better in some way - so if they need that, they can have it.

 

I know what the reality of my marriage was - and that it was not fixable. I take my blame for that and I let my exH shoulder his blame for it. We were young, we were in love - and it just didn't work out. It's not a big deal, not death inducing, and not the end of the world. We both learned a lot from the process and the experience, and I choose to see it as a positive experience and not wallow in it, ya know?

 

As for me and my abilities to cope -eh, again, lol. I have handled more in my life than most people could handle in 10 lifetimes. I know that to be true - and I know that it has made me stronger - and I know that simply bc they haven't had as rough a go at life that they don't understand it - radical acceptance induced. It's fine. I know the state of my emotional health and my communication skills and am very comfortable with who I am. Not perfect by any means, but very balanced, and very okay with myself and in my own skin.

 

Doesn't rile me in the least - live and let live. When other people judge someone it doesn't say nearly as much about the person being judged as it does the person doing the judging.

[2sure]

The scenario you describe is more common than you think. :/

 

Most seasoned cheaters do have more than one woman on the string. They may not be sleeping with the other woman, but bet your bottom dollar they have their feelers out there.

 

It is called a contingent plan: When the wife finds out about you and the proverbial craps hits the fan - you get dumped. The dust settles and WH makes nice at home for awhile. When things calm down, WH picks up with one of the other women he has been flirting with. He probably wont go back to you because you are on the wife's radar now and she will be watching you (and him) like a hawk.

 

This is EXACTLY my xHs behavior. Exactly.

[RickFox]

How would I react if I found out I was not the only OM that xMW had?

 

I think at this point in time I would not be shocked or surprised.

 

I would feel an even bigger fool though than I do now for believing anything that came out of her mouth in regards to how she felt about me.....if that is even possible.

[Spark1111]

I would be offended if I were AR because you're assuming that since she may have had a bad experience with M that she didn't know how to work through issues or make an appointment with a counselor, or care enough. M is two-sided, and it takes both partners to work on it. Even if they both work on it, they are still lucky if it works in the end.

 

If your H decided to stay with the OW and filed for D would you like people thinking you didn't have the wherewithall to keep a M together? That you weren't taught to do all that was mentioned above? I'm sorry, but you can only speak for you and your spouse can speak for himself and some of our spouses weren't like yours in being willing learn.

 

I was addressing the previous pages and pages of posts that constantly denigrate marriage as legal obligation, a system that needs to be revamped, not working too well....etc. Did you read them?

 

And as for me, I never stopped trying to improve my relationship while he grew complacent and coasted into an affair.

 

people might accuse me of whatever they want to, but anyone who knows me would know that would be untrue. By all accounts, he was the over-benefitted partner by a mile.

 

I wished he and his OW well and encouraged everyone else to leave them alone and hold onto their horses and do the same.

 

I loved parts of being married and if divorced today, I would still love being married.

 

If mine had not worked out, I would still feel that way about an exclusive,long-term, committed relationship.