Why continue to stalk?

[Athens]

Can anyone help me here. My husbands exOW continues to stalk us. Follows us on social media, calls, etc... This board is mainly anon so I am hoping for some real honesty here. I know it's difficult to be honest about something you may not be proud of, but I am looking for insight. Is she hoping he will get mad enough to contact her, is she trying to stay relevant, is she going over the deep end? I know people say if I out her to her husband, she will likely stop, but you know I have a hard time inflicting that type of hurt on someone I do not even know. Your thoughts?

[Praying4Peace]

Athens- I think she hasn't let go of him yet in her head. Why don't you block her? I'm sure she doesn't think you've noticed and isn't trying to get him mad enough to call her. Who would want an angry phone call?

[Athens]

Thanks for the response, have to agree...who wants an angry call....as far as blocking, she works at a bank and I can not block 800 numbers on my cell. Social media, I locked down my FB, but can not figure out how to lock down Pinterest or LinkedIn....she likes my pins and resins them, she checks my husbands LinkedIn regularly so she shows us on his activity log. This is the oddest one....calls our cells with a restricted number and plays country music with lyrics I guess are suppose to mean something on our voicemails...it's all so odd...just wondering when it will stop or if there is anything that can be done to make it stop. I feel like legal action just prolongs contact and makes drama, but who knows.....

[thomasb]

First, her husband deserves to know. Everyone deserves honesty. Next, call a lawyer and get a cease and desist letter delivered. If she continues to harass after that you will have grounds for an R.O. My wife and I had to do this to get the O.W. to stay the hell away from us. Why she continued her irrational behaviors after it was clearly completely over is probably best left up to the mental health people.

[Decorative]

Thanks for the response, have to agree...who wants an angry call....as far as blocking, she works at a bank and I can not block 800 numbers on my cell. Social media, I locked down my FB, but can not figure out how to lock down Pinterest or LinkedIn....she likes my pins and resins them, she checks my husbands LinkedIn regularly so she shows us on his activity log. This is the oddest one....calls our cells with a restricted number and plays country music with lyrics I guess are suppose to mean something on our voicemails...it's all so odd...just wondering when it will stop or if there is anything that can be done to make it stop. I feel like legal action just prolongs contact and makes drama, but who knows.....

 

You cannot block on Pinterest. I have had the same problem. It sucks.

[who_am_i]

May I ask how long ago their relationship ended?

Also, had he attempted to stop seeing her previously but gone back to it?

[Athens]

Thomas, how long did you wait to take such drastic steps? This may sound odd, but it takes two, so I have a hard time pursuing such actions when my husband also did wrong by cheating. I guess I am wishy washy in that I want it to end but end with out so much drama and trauma. I guess I am hoping to hear for someone that found themselves doing this and has advice on how to stop it or someone that successfully ended the drama. BUT, I want you to know I value your advice and input.

[Athens]

Who am I....it's been about three months and yes, was previously on and off but now that I am aware, it's off for good...that is the difference between before and now...before it was his guilt that caused him to end it and his weakness to give back in....now it's the realization of how destructive that relationship was and his desire to reconcile with me. What made you ask those questions....are they the key to this?

Thanks for your input,

[Poppy fields]

If you can see her for what she is, and is doing, it might help you. She is a pathetic outlier to your very real relationship trying to insert herself into your lives through any means possible. She is doing all of this to obvious unwelcome responses. That shows how desperate and pathetic she really is. She has no self respect do she exhibits no self control. She is functioning at the level of a troubled teen. Not even a normal teen would act this way.

 

So, despite the inconveniences, I would ignore, ignore and make her less and less relavent to your lives. When she sees she is having no affect, she will probably back off. This could take some time, but use that time to work together to make your relationship stronger.

[Poppy fields]

Sorry, double post.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Poppy fields

[Praying4Peace]

Athens,

When I read your descriptions of what she is doing...holy hell! Wow. I'm so embarrassed for her. Honestly- even if your H had any residual feelings these types of things should remove them completely. Because she seems desperate and pathetic and also very disrespectful to him and their past relationship (sorry to use that word). If he meant anything to her she'd respect his wishes and leave him ALONE.

 

You don't think that they are still in contact do you? What does your H think of all this?

[Athens]

Praying, he is totally pissed and you are right, it does remove any residual feeling or anything decent thing he thought about her. I am nearly positive, as no one can be 100 percent positive, there is no contact on his end because he receives the same crazy crap calls too. In some ways there is a positive as in he will never get involved with her again or anyone else for that matter because this is way annoying and drives home the point on how destructive his actions were.

[who_am_i]

Who am I....it's been about three months and yes, was previously on and off but now that I am aware, it's off for good...that is the difference between before and now...before it was his guilt that caused him to end it and his weakness to give back in....now it's the realization of how destructive that relationship was and his desire to reconcile with me. What made you ask those questions....are they the key to this?

Thanks for your input,

 

I was in a relationship until very recently with a MM. We too had made several failed attempts to end the relationship previous to this last time. I, however, believe this time it is for good as I am the one who told his wife.

 

Regardless, these are some the things that have been going through my head since...

 

• I wonder what its like over there for him...I wonder if she's really mean to him all the time or if things are just continuing as usual.
  
• I wonder if he thinks about me at all either negatively or positively...could he miss.
  
• I hear that they go back. Once they try and fix things at home and if they see that they are going to still in the same situation, they'll track OW down again. I wonder if this has crossed his mind.
  
• He originally said they were going to work on it and sometimes I wonder if they still are, or did she decide it was too much and tossed him out. If she hasn't, will she?
  
• I wonder if they have sex. Is there the "hysterical bonding" I've heard so much about or does the thought of him getting close to her just gross her out.
  
• I hope he is happy with her and not just sucking it up.
  
• I wonder if he regrets that he ever knew me.
  

I understand that as the OW abolutly none of these things are my business and I'm not about to carry on like the OW in your situation. All I can do is ask that you not judge me for my thoughts. I don't think that these are unusual curiosities in my situation, but I can not speak for everyone. I'm pretty sure that under any other circumstances I would be content keeping these feelings to myself. However, if there is a chance that it will help you I am willing to take my chances.

 

I think that she is just hurt and desperate. If they managed to come together previously after a break, maybe she is just holding onto that hope too tight. Then again, I'm not trying to make excuses for her.

 

I hope that this helps...

[threelaurels]

Can anyone help me here. My husbands exOW continues to stalk us. Follows us on social media, calls, etc... This board is mainly anon so I am hoping for some real honesty here. I know it's difficult to be honest about something you may not be proud of, but I am looking for insight. Is she hoping he will get mad enough to contact her, is she trying to stay relevant, is she going over the deep end? I know people say if I out her to her husband, she will likely stop, but you know I have a hard time inflicting that type of hurt on someone I do not even know. Your thoughts?

 

You know the saying "any attention is good attention"? That's basically it. If you go long enough without giving her any attention, whether good or bad, she will eventually fizzle out.

 

My guess is that she is hurting, and she wants your husband to know how badly. She still needs some kind of closure, but she is the only one who can give herself that.

 

If you feel threatened, you should speak with the police. You should also tell her husband because he deserves to know. Telling him might wake her up and cause her to focus on her own life and relationship, rather than pathetically limping after you and your husband as you try to recover.

[2sure]

When you talked about her checking your social media, I thought...it's so easy to do that i wouldn't worry about it. But creepy phone calls? That an effort and that's not good. Especially since she is also calling and checking on you.

 

It makes me think that she is obsessing, possibly not about your husband, but about having "lost" the competition. Some OW and BS actually end up feeling that way about an affair.

 

I understand your reasons for not wanting to tell her husband. You have had enough trauma, drama, and violation of your privacy. But, she hasn't had any consequences and her new hobby is affecting your life. You might want to consider it.

 

Still, if it's only been 3 months, she might move on. Clearly, you don't want to engage her by confrontation , it will only encourage her.

[Athens]

Thanks for the honesty and yes, I agree those may not be your business but natural curiosity just as much, so no one can say what anyone else should think or feel. I also thank you on behalf of your ex's spouse for not acting that way. I know we all have crazy thoughts, but acting on them is another story. I guess in a way if she wanted to know the answers to those questions, I would gladly answer from my POV....yes, he is happy that we are working on it, yes, tons of hysterical bonding, yes, she probably crosses his mind but not in a good way because of the intrusions....he feels betrayed and duped.....I suppose as they say, every storm runs out of rain and its just a matter of time...I often wonder if I should keep the intrusions to myself as it only prolongs her involvement even if its negative in our life....I agree any attention is attention, I learned that in parenting classes for a difficult toddler...who knew I would need those strategies 18 years later!

[Lillyfree]

you are a lot more tolerant of her behaviour than i would be. that's a bit too crazystalky and it would make me feel quite uneasy...

[canuckprincess]

In my opinion she's hanging on for a reason and I'll bet it's because your WS is still in some sort of contact with her. Does your husband enjoy the attention he's getting from her stalking him?

[canuckprincess]

Sometimes stalkers are just that...stalkers. Be it AP/WS or BS. Just unhinged when they do not get there way...been there, experienced that.

 

I agree, I'm just commenting from my own personal experiences.

[Athens]

Canuck, can you expand on your experience? I would have to say, no he is not in touch because her VMs to him are about missing him, etc....and I know this sounds odd since he had an affair...but he hates drama so no the attention is not anything he enjoys....he is pissed off and I hold him back from calling and telling her off...if he is willing to call her in front of me, I am guessi g he is not still leading her on.

[Lillyfree]

he shouldn't call her. that's still going to be attention (even if negative) and will feed her obsession.

 

3 months is still early, if she got this attached she's got a long way to go in healing.

 

someone with self-respect and pride would do this in silence. i'd try to block her wherever possible, change numbers, and ignore any other attempts that may come through.

[ComingInHot]

Athens,

It's been just over Three years and a cease & desist letter. She still peeks into our lives however she can less outright contact.

 

It is creepy. Every time she does this my H hates her more and more. I remind him that it is Because of him , she is even in our lives if only now on the perimeter.

 

Most people don't like to lose. I don't. but when the heart is involved, it makes losing something/someone that much harder to let go and stop hoping even fighting for it/them. Your H may be in her mind "the one that got away" instead of the one that no longer wanted her. Either way, she is truly upset & hurt that she didn't get what her heart wanted.

 

The newest thing in my experience that I've learned is, it is my choice and my H's choice to let her little peeks "go". I am years further in R and healing so at a point where it is "easier" to blow it off after this last "peek".

 

Just think of it as a reminder of where you & your H are Going, not where you've been?*

[canuckprincess]

Canuck, can you expand on your experience? I would have to say, no he is not in touch because her VMs to him are about missing him, etc....and I know this sounds odd since he had an affair...but he hates drama so no the attention is not anything he enjoys....he is pissed off and I hold him back from calling and telling her off...if he is willing to call her in front of me, I am guessi g he is not still leading her on.

 

Your situation may be different from mine, I just know that some mm will tell the wife what she needs to hear so she stays and those same men may be telling the ow what she needs to hear to keep her in his life as well. I'm not suggesting your husband isn't truly remorseful and is trying to save the marriage. Next time he wants to call her to blast her please allow him to just make sure you sit silently on the line so you know exactly how she responds. Listening to just his end of the conversation may not be accurate. Also, he could blast her on the phone and then the next day call her and say he's sorry and he didn't mean it but he was just trying to throw you off the trail to protect her. Number one rule to remember, cheaters are amazing liars and some lead double lives for years and years. Mines been doing it for over 7 years and I know of others that have done it for 20 plus years.

[Got it]

Okay two modes of thought on this looking at it purely as an energy discussion.

 

1. Right now the energy is one sided. It is a continuing attempt to reengage returned energy so, under this assumption if nothing fuels it it will slowly die out. On an emotional stance she may be trying to keep some contact with him going however remotely, and with that trying to reach out. If this is the case, I do think taking a legal stance is important and send a cease and desist letter. Sometimes the reality of the law is enough to shake someone awake. But there is some energy returned with this approach which could short term fuel things but the law could/would smack back down.

 

2. That there is some sort of returned energy that is causing things to continue, intermittent reinforcement, i.e. your husband is contacting in some manner. If this is the case you really can't do a cease and desist if he is also blasting through it or you can but it is pointless. I think with this case, just discussing the full extent of the law may scare the truth out of him as well (if this is happening).

 

Sorry not sure it it helps, just a couple thoughts.

[seren]

Athens, my H and I are over 5 years on from D Day, up until very recently the OW used her job to get our unlisted address and phone number, did the hang up calls, the rants and other stuff. I had previously let it go as I felt sorry for her, H wanted to call the police and I stopped him, I figured she had enough going on in her life with an abusive husband. But, it got that the calls increased, were in the middle of the night and were often very abusive and sick. So, I finally called the police, her work was informed and she is now out of a job. I hope this is the end of it and I truly hope she finds peace, but I am not holding my breath.

 

Sometimes people are so hurt and cannot believe that things haven't worked out the way they expected and lash out. However, with hindsight, I should have put a stop to it years ago as I am sure it just fed her obsession with me more than H. I hope it gets better for you all.