What does it mean when your long term boyfriend does not want to move in together?

[frazzled12]

We have been together for a little over two years and I brought the subject about living together a few months back. He panicked and said "wow that is a serious thing". I never approached the topic after his reaction.

 

I just thought it a bit peculiar because we were in a situation were we could have lived together a few month ago because we both needed a place to stay but we decided it was best to find our own separate apartments.

 

The thing is that all his long term relationships before me where ones where the girl ended up living with him. We are both in our mid 30's and he knows I have children and marriage in my mind.

 

Thoughts?

[ForeverHopeful1]

Hey!

 

I think after 2 years together, you should be able to have serious conversations. I dont

 

I would try to explain what you want out of life, and what you would like to see happen with your life. It is your choice.

 

I think having a serious conversation about where he sees this going is a great idea. If he cannot have a serious conversation and tell you what he is feeling (good or bad, hard to say or easy to say) you need to figure out whether this is a relationship you want to continue, or whether you want to move on. If you want to live with someone, be married, and have children, and he cant even talk about living with you after 2 years, thats kind of scary and should be very telling.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

I agree with the previous poster about his - you need to have a frank adult conversation about what you each want out of life.

 

You must then say very explicitly, that you love him, you want marriage and children with him, that as you are mid thirties this needs to happen now. You can't wait around for a "maybe".

 

That's a simple message anyone can understand - if they want to.

 

If it somehow seems hard for him to focus his mind on it or he finds the topic unpleasant or finds one of the myriad other ways to avoid having this conversation - which should not be confrontational, far from it, rather a mutual discussion of your needs and expectations - then you will have your answer by default. That might be all the answer you ever get - but it will be enough to decide what to do.

 

Put it another way: He's been playing poke her for two years. For you the stakes are high. Time to up the ante, make it clear there's no bluffing, and show your hands. Then walk away from the table together to the chapel, or find another game.

 

Put it another way: time for him to "buy the cow" if he wants the milk. He's had plenty of time to decide.

 

Put it another way: the answer to your question is that he's not prepared to commit. You should move on. This is unpleasant news and part of you would prefer to be told that this is fine and your relationship may continue to blossom. The truth is likely that he doesn't want to marry but will waste your time (and his) if you let it slide.

 

Good luck, OP.

Edited April 10, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Cutiepie1976]

Agree with other posters. Try to have a serious conversation about this despite his panic over even a discussion about living together.

 

I will say that his reaction didn't bode well, given that you've been together two years. I would normally say that it's not helpful to compare yourself to exes. In this case, however, it provides a useful window. Again, not a promising picture, especially since you are hoping for marriage down the road, but it still helps with decision-making. If, when you broach the topic this time, he remains unwilling to provide a straightforward answer...after more than two years together, that IS your answer--he doesn't see a long-term future with you. Frankly, if he can't give you a clear "yes" more than two years in, you are just being strung along. Sad, but it happens.

 

We have been together for a little over two years and I brought the subject about living together a few months back. He panicked and said "wow that is a serious thing". I never approached the topic after his reaction.

 

I just thought it a bit peculiar because we were in a situation were we could have lived together a few month ago because we both needed a place to stay but we decided it was best to find our own separate apartments.

 

The thing is that all his long term relationships before me where ones where the girl ended up living with him. We are both in our mid 30's and he knows I have children and marriage in my mind.

 

Thoughts?

[Leigh 87]

For the majority of guys, once they are really in love with a women, they tend to want to spend all their time with them (albeit still have time for their friends and hobbies)

 

Maybe he has had a few negative experiences in regards to living with his exes? This could also be a reason.

 

Ultimately, though; if a guy is truly in love, to the point of wanting to marry you and spend his life with you, I think he would have asked to move in with you by now.

 

I would move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

Put it another way: the answer to your question is that he's not prepared to commit. You should move on. This is unpleasant news and part of you would prefer to be told that this is fine and your relationship may continue to blossom. The truth is likely that he doesn't want to marry but will waste your time (and his) if you let it slide.

Of your multiple choices, this is probably closest to the truth. Except he'e not wasting his time as he's probably getting everything he wants - sex and companionship - in a "no strings" format.

 

frazzled12, were he marriage material, the truth is in your mid 30's and after two years together he'd be chasing you with a ring. That he's not tells you everything you need to know. And even more significantly, let's say you could drag/browbeat/nag him to the altar. If so, is that the person you want to marry and have a family with ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[DayJ]

We have been together for a little over two years and I brought the subject about living together a few months back. He panicked and said "wow that is a serious thing".

 

We are both in our mid 30's and he knows I have children and marriage in my mind.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

If he is also in his mid 30s and is still not ready to commit seems to me he doesnt know what he wants yet and am sorry but 40s is not the best for starting to have children and with this guy it seems it will be a whileeeeee by what you wrote he seems to have no interest in getting serious anytime soon. Obviously you both want different things dont waste your time, if he can't even have a conversation about a serious topic without changing the subject or freaking out why would you even want to marry him.

 

I mean i understand like in your 20's or mid 20's or even late 20's even early 30's but c'mon he should know by now what he wants its different in your mid 30's you should know by now if you want to settle and take it to the next level. Yes age does make a difference specially for a woman who wants to have children i dont care what anybody says it does matter. So please dont waste your time if you are ready and want to start your family you have every right to and if you are both not on the same page it is unfair for you to stay knowing what you want.

[KraftDinner]

I don't think you should try to have a conversation with him about this. He will somehow say something you want to hear, which will give you false hope and continue to let him string you along.

 

That's what's happening here. You're good enough for right now but he's holding out for something better to commit to. One of the cruelest things anyone can do to another person, especially a mid-30s woman who wants kids.

 

Downright selfish and cruel.

 

I think you should walk. Easier said than done I know. But he is wasting your time and if you want kids, time aint on your side, I'm sorry to say.

 

He's getting everything he wants from you right now. Separate apartments indeed. Your needs are the last thing on his mind.

 

Walk.

[pink_sugar]

I can understand if he was 20, not if he's in his mid thirties. My husband and I were much younger than you and we were able to talk about those things early on. 2 years is plenty of time to know whether or not you're serious and if moving in together is the next step or not.

[MissBee]

We have been together for a little over two years and I brought the subject about living together a few months back. He panicked and said "wow that is a serious thing". I never approached the topic after his reaction.

 

I just thought it a bit peculiar because we were in a situation were we could have lived together a few month ago because we both needed a place to stay but we decided it was best to find our own separate apartments.

 

The thing is that all his long term relationships before me where ones where the girl ended up living with him. We are both in our mid 30's and he knows I have children and marriage in my mind.

 

Thoughts?

 

I can't speak for him, it's best to ask him why. Perhaps those experiences where those other gfs lived with him weren't good ones, so he is avoiding doing that again.

[Stellar Wench]

We have been together for a little over two years and I brought the subject about living together a few months back. He panicked and said "wow that is a serious thing". I never approached the topic after his reaction.

 

I just thought it a bit peculiar because we were in a situation were we could have lived together a few month ago because we both needed a place to stay but we decided it was best to find our own separate apartments.

 

The thing is that all his long term relationships before me where ones where the girl ended up living with him. We are both in our mid 30's and he knows I have children and marriage in my mind.

 

Thoughts?

i am very against couples shacking up. Hopefully, he is too.

[Keenly]

I was asked by my first girlfriend of 2 years to get an apartment with her.

 

 

The reason I said a straight up no is because I knew that once we moved in together, any freedom I had would completely cease. She was already jealous, insecure, controlling, emotionally manipulative, and would use affection as a weapon to get what she wanted.

 

 

Knowing this, it would have been suicide if I moved in with her, I would have never been allowed to do ANYTHING in her eyes.

 

 

Were talking about a woman who would get passive aggressive and bitchy when a girl came on TV that she knew I thought was hot. Still bringing up the fact that I didn't take her to her prom (3 years after it happened, after she told me she was intent on not going) and demanded to see my phone every time I visited her.

 

So maybe he knows the best thing for you relationship right now is NOT to move in, and quite personally I would think it would be a little ridiculous if you were to insist that he move in when he is not comfortable with it.'

 

 

 

By the way, he KNOWS that you have kids and marriage on your mind, but have you bothered to ask him what HE wants?

[Nyla]

Your boyfriend does not want marriage or children with you. If he did, he wouldn't panic about moving in together after two years.

 

I like the suggestion about having an honest discussion about where the relationship is going to go. Be prepared for the possibility that he may not be ready for what you want. At least you will be sure where the two of you stand.

[Treasa]

I agree with the others. That being said, who do you both live with now?

 

If he still lives at home, dump his ass and take off running.

[Immortality]

Be very careful using the opinions of random individuals in deciding something clearly important. Whether you leave or stay, the consequences are entirely yours.

 

Firstly, ask him! Your question is only of relevance to him and the answer can only come from him.

 

Secondly, if you want opinions: men are in a better position to give you an honest unbiased opinion about this man's possible reasons. As convenient as it may sound, it is highly unlikely to be as simple as him 'using you'.

 

As a man, issues that come to mind are: Why do you wish to move in with him? Does he know this reason? If your wish is children, then perhaps you should discuss this issue first - I.e. when would you like children. If marriage, then are you engaged? If neither, then what does he gain from living with a woman without timely prospects of children or marriage? Maybe he has been there before and wasted his own time. Living with him in the hope that marriage and children will naturally result is a brave gamble.

 

Good luck!

[love4ever]

Maybe he just doesn't want to move in until you get married/engaged? I know it seems like an old school thing to do now but I made my FH know early on I wouldn't...

[georgia girl]

As the other posters said, just sit down and have a conversation with him. And not about living together - about getting married. That's what you really want. If it isn't something he wants or something he wants with you, you need to know it. If its something he isn't ready to consider yet, then that's also something you need to know.

 

Not wanting to live with you may have absolutely nothing to do with the seriousness of your relationship. He could have had bad experiences with the exes that he lived with and now needs that time to understand that your relationship is different, you are different and your future is a different one altogether.

 

Good luck. Posting here, however, will only get you lots of useless advice. Talking to him will get you answers.

 

GG