"Well I'm angry as hell, and you are... wait, what did you say?"

[MassiveAtom]

[color=darkred]Why is it so difficult to work through anger while you're angry?!?[/color]

 

Imagine this scenario,

 

You've been talking to your SO for 10 minutes about your day and s/he says something wrong/insensitive/dumb. That makes you angry/hurt/defensive. You berate the SO by criticizing/belittling/chastising, him/her. That in turn makes your SO angry/hurt/defensive. The escalation continues via attack/defend, drama triangle, psychological manipulation, and the scene looks to be getting UGLY.

 

Just before the fatal tipping point where the Love-bank account goes overdrawn, your SO launches a volley of "Look, I'm sorry that you feel that way, it wasn't my intention to anger you. " or "Wait a second, what you're saying is that I did X, and you felt Y.?...." or " Hold on a sec, This is getting us nowhere, Are you as angry as I am?"

 

What do you guys do when THAT kind of approach is taken in the MIDST of a heated argument?

 

Do you, stay angry and confrontational? Do you soften up to meet your SO? Is it too much to expect that another person will have the wherewith-all to react quickly and as an emotionally mature adult to an obvious act of compassion?

 

What is it? Is it immaturity, lack of caring, insensitivity?

 

What?

 

mA

[Merin]

It is a wise person who understand that you cannot fight with someone who will not fight with you......

[jmargel]

Check out my link, I mention on what you should do. Don't let it esclate that far. When your SO says something insensitive, come out and say 'What you just said hurts'. If you feel anger coming about, tell your SO 'I don't want to talk about this anymore, if I do I'll come to you' then walk away for awhile. After 30 mins have passed, things will be much more rational.

[MassiveAtom]

K, that's all well and good, how about what kinds of thing s YOU do. I'm not looking for a therapist, I'm not looking for a howto, I'm looking for someone who has ACTUAL experiences and would like to share. Most of the time I find most of the suggestions about how you "SHOULD" handle such situations to be ivory tower super-human concepts that really don't work in real life. or at least my life.

 

Thanks nonetheless.

[jmargel]

I use the suggestions I gave you quite a bit, and they work very good. Each situation is unique but if you use those general principals, you'll be quite astonished on how effective it works. If you are looking for advice on how to psychology beat someone in an argument, then you are looking down the wrong street. It's not about competition. It's about effective communication.

 

If you have a problem remembering these things in the heat of the moment, then just remember this: If you feel like you are going to say something to hurt the other person, stop yourself and walk away. Give yourself a few minutes to think about how you can defuse the situation before it gets worse.