I wonder...

[who_am_i]

I often see BS post how their WS has completely changed after their affair was discovered, they are working hard and reconciliation seems promising.

 

What I wonder is how often does a WS give their BS this impression (by attending counseling, etc.) when in fact nothing has changed with their AP at all? Has anyone ever seen this?

[2sure]

Happened to me, happens often as you can read here, Many couples have multiple DDays until it finally ends one way or another. My x H would stop the affair and then pick up again with a new OW.

[who_am_i]

Oh good god yes.

My opinion is that at least half of them never give up their affair, they just get better at hiding it.

 

 

I think like most first timers my xMM thought she would never find out. I guess I assumed that most realized what they'd be losing and would smarten up if they were offered the chance.

 

It makes me sad to know that some of these women who have stood so strong for their families and who leave these posts with such hope and determination could be wrong.

 

There is not a day that goes by that something I read here does not drastically change my perspective. Guess that's the point...

[who_am_i]

Would you cooperate with your man to hide the affair into deep underground if you had a d day?

 

As ashamed as I am to admit it, initially I think I would have.

Now? No way!

[stevie_23]

My ex-MM had 3 D-days and didn't end our A until the 4th & final one, when it got too much. If there had been more of a way to continue the A after that last D-day, like there always was before, he would have.

[thefooloftheyear]

this is something that I can never, ever in a million years understand an other woman/man being okay with or somehow able to wrap their head around...

 

the idea that the married person they are seeing is able to lie that much...it's no longer simply a lie of omission, but an outright lie, told with complete malice and not only to their betrayed spouse, but a counselor, family, friends, etc.....

 

how on earth anyone could ever trust that person again is beyond me....

 

 

I hear what you are saying...Some people though feel that keeping a family together is the most important thing you can do. It should survive just about anything.. Is it right?, No one can answer that. It is truly up to the participants.

 

Every situation has its own dynamics. Its a hurtful thing to do and while the WS won't get much sympathy, a LIFETIME of guilt to deal with is nothing to sneeze at. Its "punishment" in its own right.

 

TFOY

[seren]

I have always wondered why AP's stay after a D Day as it is surely the time when everything is out in the open and they have the opportunity to leave, not that, that wasn't an option before. Not sure I could stay as an AP after a D Day, and no, I am not being snarky. Having reconciled after D Day, I know that if it happened again I would be gone. I think that some WS will carry on for as long as it takes for either the BS or AP to lay it on the line and not keep putting up with sharing the person they love. Personally, I don't know many who have gone on after D day, but I don't suppose I would be told by anyone anyway.

[Got it]

I hear what you are saying...Some people though feel that keeping a family together is the most important thing you can do. It should survive just about anything.. Is it right?, No one can answer that. It is truly up to the participants.

 

Every situation has its own dynamics. Its a hurtful thing to do and while the WS won't get much sympathy, a LIFETIME of guilt to deal with is nothing to sneeze at. Its "punishment" in its own right.

 

TFOY

 

I think if there are multiple ddays prove that the guilt is more than manageable.

 

Staying together full stop is not meaning that it is surviving. It means that it may be continuing on as a shell of what it once was having become a very toxic and unhealthy situation. I just can't imagine that is healthier than divorce.

[Mimolicious]

I often see BS post how their WS has completely changed after their affair was discovered, they are working hard and reconciliation seems promising.

 

What I wonder is how often does a WS give their BS this impression (by attending counseling, etc.) when in fact nothing has changed with their AP at all? Has anyone ever seen this?

 

 

Yes, many years ago, that was me. My exH played all that BS (the other kind, not my tittle here) and all he was doing was scamming me. He ended up being a fraud and got caught in all his lies again. Things got very ugly and that was the end. Now he lives miserable as the broken man he is. He still is with his OW, but what a toxic and dysfunctional abusive R that is. One day one will be in jail and one dead. Ridiculous.

 

I am not saying that successful reconciliation is impossible. Many have been able to live "Happily ever after". Be well.

[Mimolicious]

this is something that I can never, ever in a million years understand an other woman/man being okay with or somehow able to wrap their head around...

 

the idea that the married person they are seeing is able to lie that much...it's no longer simply a lie of omission, but an outright lie, told with complete malice and not only to their betrayed spouse, but a counselor, family, friends, etc.....

 

how on earth anyone could ever trust that person again is beyond me....

 

 

I think we have seen enough stories on this forum where people believe that the MM/MW tells one person the truth and lies to the other. We all know this is not always the case. A person wants to believe what soothes their heart. Cheaters lie and if they are capable of lying to one person, they are capable of lying to ANYONE! It is in their core value to lie, they need it. Baffles me how people can punk themselves to think different. Ok, they may lie to one person more than they do to the other, but they still lie.

 

For example:

The MM/MW can't tell their S where they are or what they are doing when out with the AP, but tell their AP when they are home or with their family. Yet, doesn't tell the AP how they had a fabulous dinner, romatic night ended with passionate steamy action with their S. They actually slept in the "basement" all night and it was horrible! How miserable to be home! They believe since the MM/MW doesn't "lie" to them it but it doesn't mean it is the truth.

 

You get the drill...

[threelaurels]

I often see BS post how their WS has completely changed after their affair was discovered, they are working hard and reconciliation seems promising.

 

What I wonder is how often does a WS give their BS this impression (by attending counseling, etc.) when in fact nothing has changed with their AP at all? Has anyone ever seen this?

 

It happens, but I don't think it happens as often as you might think. I think most people, once they get caught, go back to the BS with their tail between their legs and remain faithful. Affairs aren't so fun anymore when you have to face the consequences of them. It takes away the thrill.

[waterwoman]

I often see BS post how their WS has completely changed after their affair was discovered, they are working hard and reconciliation seems promising.

 

What I wonder is how often does a WS give their BS this impression (by attending counseling, etc.) when in fact nothing has changed with their AP at all? Has anyone ever seen this?

 

I don't know how often it happens. Not in my case as far as I know. But I will admit it is possible. That's the real kicker - trust is lost and takes time to regain.

 

It does seem a pointless thing to do. Choose FFS! What better time?

 

But this seems a post more suited for the infidelity forum than here. That is where the 'collateral damage' of affairs tends to hang out and ultimately they are the ones who can tell you the end result of reconciliation, false or otherwise.

[Decorative]

I suggested she tell and she's considering doing so, but the last time she spoke to her she was treated very nastily and told she was lying.

 

I always encourage people to consider that odd or inconsistent behavior should be looked at closely.

 

And why should I have to be the one to tell anyone? The person who told me is a friend of mine and the person on the other side has never once said a nice word to me? I've been saying for days that being nice only gets you kicked in the a$$.

 

I actually was going to edit it out because I didn't think til after that I shouldn't have said it, but it was too late to edit.

 

Why should you tell?

 

Because it is the right thing to do.

[ComingInHot]

LFH wrote, "Oh good god yes.

My opinion is that at least half of them never give up their affair, they just get better at hiding it.

 

I do believe that true reconciliation can happen, but both sides have to really want it, and that's pretty rare."

 

LFH, this is so incredibly sad to me. It breaks my heart that WS's, would even dream of continuing to betray their Spouse and lie to them just to keep them there for whatever selfish reason! It is just as sad that once D-Day happens, that the OW/OM would, Knowing they were trashed by their love partner, would be cool with it and believe that it was all for show.

I think the TRUE show would be the WS LEAVING their spouse to be with their AP. (LFH, I understand that your stitch is different than most, I am just looking at and responding to your post as a whole and how it makes me feel*)

but trying to convince the BS that they are R'ing but really not, is just so SO SOOOOoooo mean.If I were to ever find out (and I sincerely hope someone/Anyone would tell me), I would follow-through on my promises - ALL of them.

And go be happy

[Decorative]

But I am not even sure which it is? Why should I have to do the research and have people be pissy with me? I get enough of that. I know enough to know who it's not.. but not enough to be able to say with certainty who it is. As threelaurels said, reasonable doubt is enough for me to not .

 

If you are not sure- then you should not have said that you know the OW of a BS on here.

 

You're not making sense.

[sweet_pea]

The fact that the OW invaded the privacy of the BS' marriage (with the MM's help) is completely sad on it's own. It's absolutely terrible that now the BS' privacy online is invaded as well.

 

I hope I'm allowed to answer the question and that it was directed to any poster, I apologize if it was not.

 

As to the question, I know that sometimes the affair continues after DDay. It sucks, but it happens. However, I personally think that either the BS/WS reconcile or divorce more often. If the affair does continue past DDay, I think it mostly ends after the 2nd DDay.

[Poppy fields]

My affair continued after Dday, but I wasn't hiding it anymore.

[Poppy fields]

I know you said you wish you had edited LFH, but that was a pretty crappy thing to claim on a board full of reconciling BS. Hopefully your friend is mistaken and it isn't anyone on here.

[Realist3]

I know of at least 1 BS who posts on here that thinks she's reconciled but isn't, possibly 2.

I know of at least 5 OW on here who have currently shared that they are still involved after their dday and she doesn't know

and at least 3 who have continued their affair while the BS does... they don't really know what.

 

So... I think it happens MORE than people expect.

 

I agree. The dynamic still exists that made the person decide to have an affair in the first place. That is not changed automatically because a BS finds out.

 

Sure there may be some change in behaviors or actions, but the dynamic remains the same.

[Realist3]

Why should you tell?

 

Because it is the right thing to do.

 

 

It is none of her business.

[Decorative]

But I am not even sure which it is? Why should I have to do the research and have people be pissy with me? I get enough of that. I know enough to know who it's not.. but not enough to be able to say with certainty who it is. As threelaurels said, reasonable doubt is enough for me to not .

 

It is none of her business.

 

It was business enough of hers to mention it on here.

 

You and I? Look at truth differently.

[Realist3]

It was business enough of hers to mention it on here.

 

You and I? Look at truth differently.

 

The truth is the truth regardless of how it is viewed. We aren't talking about truth here, we are talking about responsibility. There is nothing to suggest she has ANY responsibility to come forth with information about someone that has confided in her.

[Poppy fields]

I reported my own post on it after I couldn't edit it, and I probably just shoudln't have discussed it after that,

But now I'm sitting here and thinking some more, after I emailed and told her I'd shared that without meaning to.

Why IS it so bad to have shared it? Why is that such a crappy thing to have said? It's the truth. Other than the fact that I personally know the person, how is this new information for anyone? We all know that the odds are that at least one WS is still lying. It's not any different than OW/OM being reminded here that the man/woman they love is going home to bed with their spouse, or that despite them being told they aren't having sex with their spouse they probably are.

 

So I felt bad for saying it, both for potentially screwing over a friend and for potentially hurting people here, but why? Now that I think about it, there's not really any reason I shoudln't have said it, especially knowing she isn't upset with me.

 

I guess I wouldn't have said it because I would not want to add extra worry to people who are already in a precarious situation. I am not telling you to feel guilty, I was just stating my opinion.

[eleanorrigby]

To me it's icky to post something like that just to prove your point on this thread.

 

yuck.

 

Any other anecdote would have sufficed.

 

I wonder how many BW's will be wondering tonight if it's them.

Again.

Yuck.

[Poppy fields]

And that IS exactly why I felt bad. I literally sat here wondering if I shoudl start PMing people and saying "I have no reason to think it's you" but seriously..*sigh*

 

I guess you just experienced the Internet version of inserting foot in ones mouth. Happens to the best of us.