ComingInHot Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 LFH' wrote, " Why IS it so bad to have shared it? Why is that such a crappy thing to have said?" LFH, in my world (which I know is small*) it's called half truth and it leaves a-lot of BS's wondering, "Is It ME?! Is it MY H's OW?!!!" if you're going to go only so far w/the truth, maybe, don't at all.?.? Or go All The Way. At least in a pm. I don't want to consider you meant harm on so many but was just trying to support the topic. Honestly? My stomach lurched inside of me until you wrote "spoke to",. I never spoke to the exOW. She harassed me online via email and that was still Awful... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 LFH- You say you don't know who it is for sure- but then you say that she " never has said a nice word to you". Then you say you don't want to play detective. That statement makes it feel like your original statement that you know precisely who it is ...is correct. And this later obfuscation is just coverup. Sigh. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 The truth is the truth regardless of how it is viewed. We aren't talking about truth here, we are talking about responsibility. There is nothing to suggest she has ANY responsibility to come forth with information about someone that has confided in her. There is. You don't see it, because you have a different set of values. An honest person would tell. A kind person would tell. A person who cares for others would try and prevent pain. And then there are people who choose to inflict it. Who think the harm of others "is not their business". Those people? Are hard to carry respect for- no matter where they fall in these messy triangles. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 I know you said you wish you had edited LFH, but that was a pretty crappy thing to claim on a board full of reconciling BS. Hopefully your friend is mistaken and it isn't anyone on here. I am confused, did LFH say it on this thread or over on Infidelity? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 There is. You don't see it, because you have a different set of values. An honest person would tell. A kind person would tell. A person who cares for others would try and prevent pain. And then there are people who choose to inflict it. Who think the harm of others "is not their business". Those people? Are hard to carry respect for- no matter where they fall in these messy triangles. Please tell me what 'harm' LFH is causing? She is not inflicting any pain on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 I am confused, did LFH say it on this thread or over on Infidelity? If you are implying that this is the OW board so why would the BS be reading here, then I think you are being a bit purposely daft. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Realist?! Hey! How's it goin?! And in your comment about not causing harm, I just think... "You're such a guy" to write that. Good to see you come round* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Please tell me what 'harm' LFH is causing? She is not inflicting any pain on anyone. There are betrayeds reading this forum who wonder if she is talking about them. You know that. You're a smart man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Realist?! Hey! How's it goin?! And in your comment about not causing harm, I just think... "You're such a guy" to write that. Good to see you come round* Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 There are betrayeds reading this forum who wonder if she is talking about them. You know that. You're a smart man. I do know that, but it does not mean she is hurting anyone. I didn't read everything she said, but I do remember something about not even knowing who it was. I will take this back to the topic. I do think it is unrealistic to think that just because a dday happens and a WS chooses to attempt reconciliation does not mean the other A relationship immediately disappears. Certainly there are all sorts of flavors of affairs. Some end quickly, some still carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 In my time reading and posting here I have never witnessed her expressing malice toward anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 In my time reading and posting here I have never witnessed her expressing malice toward anyone. I think this was a case of thoughtlessness, not malice. I think if she could personally assure every BS on here she was not talking about them she would. That is not feasible though unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 In my time reading and posting here I have never witnessed her expressing malice toward anyone. What she posted still caused pain, and it does mean she is hurting people. Nobody said she did it maliciously. I think she did it thoughtlessly, to make a a point on this thread, without considering the implication. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 What she posted still caused pain, and it does mean she is hurting people. Nobody said she did it maliciously. I think she did it thoughtlessly, to make a a point on this thread, without considering the implication. We don't know that her post actually caused pain. She did not mean to hurt people, and I think most folks picked up on that. I would hate to think people would internalize one post based off second hand information. Even misguided as that information was distributed. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 We don't know that her post actually caused pain. She did not mean to hurt people, and I think most folks picked up on that. I would hate to think people would internalize one post based off second hand information. Even misguided as that information was distributed. It made my stomach hurt to read it. And anxious. Even though I don't fit the parameters she gave. CIH said the same thing. That's two. I find it hard to believe we're the only two. I don't think she meant harm. But it was careless, and carelessness has consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Sorry you are hurting Decorative. I wasn't trying to be dismissive of anyone's pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 Sorry you are hurting Decorative. I wasn't trying to be dismissive of anyone's pain. I think the people who think she is not lying? Will react much as I did. I don't know which is better. To believe her or to think she is being manipulative. I went through a false recovery. It nearly took me under. It was horrible. We survived it- because of my spouse's efforts to fix himself and us. It was long ago, and in the past. But the memories are there. Those feelings are there. And LFH's offhand post brings that up. And it brings up the fear , notsomuch for myself, but that there is someone on here being tortured like I was- and she has the power to help them. And isn't. It's like watching someone be tortured and feeling helpless. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 I think the people who think she is not lying? Will react much as I did. I don't know which is better. To believe her or to think she is being manipulative. I went through a false recovery. It nearly took me under. It was horrible. We survived it- because of my spouse's efforts to fix himself and us. It was long ago, and in the past. But the memories are there. Those feelings are there. And LFH's offhand post brings that up. And it brings up the fear , notsomuch for myself, but that there is someone on here being tortured like I was- and she has the power to help them. And isn't. It's like watching someone be tortured and feeling helpless. That sounds horrible. Sorry you are suffering tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 my OM had a discussion we exchanged "discovered" by his wife, he explained it away and we continued. I know he suffered reprecussions from his behavior and still does to this day yet continued to see me after. The affair is like an addiction it is difficult to let go. "things" are missing in the relationship which we provided for each other, there is an emotional connection that is difficult to sever. I also had a d day of sorts and continued to see him. We both questioned each other was it worth the risk. I don't know, the ideal of NEVER contacting each other again for life physically hurts, yet we know our relationship hurts others and ourselves. Offering this information to the BS is not an ideal situation but the answer is honest. When we were discovered our first thoughts were of each other and the effect it would have on our relationship. While it may be wrong it feels so right. I wonder as I space myself further from the relationship if I will establish the feeling that "we were wrong". So far that has not occurred. I miss my friend and my lover. I have never felt so unconditionally accepted by another person as I did with him. How do you just let those feelings go. We took our relationship deep under ground and contact became limited but the connection was already established. I wish I felt about my H the way I did about my OM I do not. I don't know how you can create those feelings of intense attraction to another person. It was always there with us, it still is we are just not acting on them. Somehow I don't believe his wife would be satisfied as long as he has feelings for me. Perhaps they will fade over time, perhaps they already have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted April 11, 2013 Author Share Posted April 11, 2013 I don't know how often it happens. Not in my case as far as I know. But I will admit it is possible. That's the real kicker - trust is lost and takes time to regain. It does seem a pointless thing to do. Choose FFS! What better time? But this seems a post more suited for the infidelity forum than here. That is where the 'collateral damage' of affairs tends to hang out and ultimately they are the ones who can tell you the end result of reconciliation, false or otherwise. If this were true...they wouldn't be aware. But, the AP would know...and this is where they tend to hang out. Though I suppose you could be right... Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 LFH wrote, "Oh good god yes. My opinion is that at least half of them never give up their affair, they just get better at hiding it. I do believe that true reconciliation can happen, but both sides have to really want it, and that's pretty rare." LFH, this is so incredibly sad to me. It breaks my heart that WS's, would even dream of continuing to betray their Spouse and lie to them just to keep them there for whatever selfish reason! It is just as sad that once D-Day happens, that the OW/OM would, Knowing they were trashed by their love partner, would be cool with it and believe that it was all for show. I think the TRUE show would be the WS LEAVING their spouse to be with their AP. (LFH, I understand that your stitch is different than most, I am just looking at and responding to your post as a whole and how it makes me feel*) but trying to convince the BS that they are R'ing but really not, is just so SO SOOOOoooo mean.If I were to ever find out (and I sincerely hope someone/Anyone would tell me), I would follow-through on my promises - ALL of them. And go be happy God yes, that falls in my mind as completely scandalous, doggish, shady, dirty, ahole-ish behavior. I honestly fear my reaction to both wh and ow should that happen...i could end up in jail...and I am not a violent person...but this thought has violence in the front of my mind. It would not be pretty. One dday is all i can handle...and i barely handled that one...ahem, without some crazy...so if there was another? All bets are off, ding dong could go to his little dumby and i could *hopefully* stay out of jail. Link to post Share on other sites
Author who_am_i Posted April 11, 2013 Author Share Posted April 11, 2013 I reported my own post on it after I couldn't edit it, and I probably just shoudln't have discussed it after that, But now I'm sitting here and thinking some more, after I emailed and told her I'd shared that without meaning to. Why IS it so bad to have shared it? Why is that such a crappy thing to have said? It's the truth. Other than the fact that I personally know the person, how is this new information for anyone? We all know that the odds are that at least one WS is still lying. It's not any different than OW/OM being reminded here that the man/woman they love is going home to bed with their spouse, or that despite them being told they aren't having sex with their spouse they probably are. So I felt bad for saying it, both for potentially screwing over a friend and for potentially hurting people here, but why? Now that I think about it, there's not really any reason I shoudln't have said it, especially knowing she isn't upset with me. I don't think there was much harm in mentioning what you believe to be true. There weren't any specifics, you were only answering the question. If people start to candy coat the truth no one is going to get what they need to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 If this were true...they wouldn't be aware. But, the AP would know...and this is where they tend to hang out. Though I suppose you could be right... Oh they find out eventually. Try reading there. You wouldn't post if you had. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 If you are implying that this is the OW board so why would the BS be reading here, then I think you are being a bit purposely daft. I am asking if it was posted here because if it was and a BS is reading and taking offense well sometimes you need to make sure you have your big girl/boy panties on if you are walking into emotionally heated waters. It is like knowing the stove is on, touching it and being burned and then getting mad that the stove was hot. I have every right to discuss affairs, my affair and affairs in general without tripping over ever potential hurt feeling that others may have. While manners, courtesy, is required, why should I/anyone edit what they are posting because someone may potentially get their feelings hurt? Do you edit everything you write because a OW may be extra sensitive? I think not. I am not saying why a BS would be reading here, that a BS shouldn't be reading here, I am saying reader beware, you may read something that may trigger/hurt you at a far greater level here than elsewhere. But why should I own that for everyone else's potential hurt feelings? Why would the BS' feelings, opinions, thoughts be more important here than the OPs? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 I am asking if it was posted here because if it was and a BS is reading and taking offense well sometimes you need to make sure you have your big girl/boy panties on if you are walking into emotionally heated waters. It is like knowing the stove is on, touching it and being burned and then getting mad that the stove was hot. I have every right to discuss affairs, my affair and affairs in general without tripping over ever potential hurt feeling that others may have. While manners, courtesy, is required, why should I/anyone edit what they are posting because someone may potentially get their feelings hurt? Do you edit everything you write because a OW may be extra sensitive? I think not. I am not saying why a BS would be reading here, that a BS shouldn't be reading here, I am saying reader beware, you may read something that may trigger/hurt you at a far greater level here than elsewhere. But why should I own that for everyone else's potential hurt feelings? Why would the BS' feelings, opinions, thoughts be more important here than the OPs? The BS's feelings should not be regarded as more important on the OW/OM board, since this board is intended to be for people to support and give advice to the OP. For many BSs understanding the mind of the OP is an important part of the recovery process. Feelings are certainly bound to be triggered if they choose to read. However, there is a difference between saying something offensive or even something harsh and stating that one of the BSs who posts on LS is unknowingly in false R. The BSs who stay are working to repair their relationship under the impression that their WSs are also doing their part. To have one's trust betrayed for the second time is even more devastating and humiliating than the first for many people. To find out that the OW of the BS's MM has been reading the BS's intimate thoughts, maybe even responding to their posts, is even more humiliating. On top of that, finding out that another OW(s) on this board have been aware of the situation all along would be even more humiliating. You would never be able to erase the doubt that they have been laughing at you behind your back. I don't believe LFH said what she said out of spite or malice. I think it was simply a matter of carelessness, but it did have consequences that cannot be ignored. I'm sure many of the BSs here went to bed last night wondering if it was them. If they believe it could be them, it will probably change how they see and act toward their WS. I also don't think LFH is obligated to tell the BS (as some have suggested) that she suspects because there is the possibility that she is wrong, which would cause more unnecessary hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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