I wonder...

[Got it]

The BS's feelings should not be regarded as more important on the OW/OM board, since this board is intended to be for people to support and give advice to the OP. For many BSs understanding the mind of the OP is an important part of the recovery process. Feelings are certainly bound to be triggered if they choose to read.

 

However, there is a difference between saying something offensive or even something harsh and stating that one of the BSs who posts on LS is unknowingly in false R. The BSs who stay are working to repair their relationship under the impression that their WSs are also doing their part. To have one's trust betrayed for the second time is even more devastating and humiliating than the first for many people. To find out that the OW of the BS's MM has been reading the BS's intimate thoughts, maybe even responding to their posts, is even more humiliating.

 

On top of that, finding out that another OW(s) on this board have been aware of the situation all along would be even more humiliating. You would never be able to erase the doubt that they have been laughing at you behind your back.

 

I don't believe LFH said what she said out of spite or malice. I think it was simply a matter of carelessness, but it did have consequences that cannot be ignored. I'm sure many of the BSs here went to bed last night wondering if it was them. If they believe it could be them, it will probably change how they see and act toward their WS.

 

I also don't think LFH is obligated to tell the BS (as some have suggested) that she suspects because there is the possibility that she is wrong, which would cause more unnecessary hurt.

 

So something was said somewhere else with a person who is a OP who may be connected to a BS here? And that they may be in false R, and so then by relaying this information that LFH has upset the whole apple cart for everyone?

 

It sounds like a lot of hearsay and possible information but with no credible facts (unless I missed that piece). To me this ties somewhat to the argument that a newly BS is obligated to tell the other BS about the affair and there is much debate by even BS on this stance. This is even more removed so I am sorry I am just not understanding the level of energy towards this.

 

Maybe I am missing something but it is like LFH just mooned everyone and told them to suck it which if that happened I seemed to have missed those fireworks.

 

So if BS' went to bed last night, complete strangers that only have some intangible connection to the real life LFH (if that person really exists because we are all potentially are middle age fat men eating cheetios and spinning yarns) LFH is responsible for their feelings and their lack of sleep last night?

 

Am I understanding that correctly?

 

And is it possible that with LFH's post and it hitting home with some BS that may have a flag up, start looking at things more and start investigating their situation find that there may be more bugs under uprooted rocks than they expected. So by making it a very general message actually COULD do more good long term with the understanding of short term pain and consternation to many, because of the vague comment?

[who_am_i]

Oh they find out eventually. Try reading there. You wouldn't post if you had.

 

I have. And I posted because people have a way of taking offense when you don't agree with them 100%...not because I find sick pleasure in the pain of the BS.

[TurningTables]

The above post is why I think it's good to have BS on this board and OW/OM read the infidelity boards. To answer the OP's original question:

XMM's W in my account in still living a lie. He still tries to contact me to "talk things out"

[threelaurels]

And is it possible that with LFH's post and it hitting home with some BS that may have a flag up, start looking at things more and start investigating their situation find that there may be more bugs under uprooted rocks than they expected. So by making it a very general message actually COULD do more good long term with the understanding of short term pain and consternation to many, because of the vague comment?

 

I hadn't considered that before. If the BS in false R is able to discover the false R after reading the post, it would be a good outcome. However, there are also BSs who are not in false R here who may be triggered and hurt by it.

[Poppy fields]

What was the original topic of this thread? I can't remember.

[Got it]

I hadn't considered that before. If the BS in false R is able to discover the false R after reading the post, it would be a good outcome. However, there are also BSs who are not in false R here who may be triggered and hurt by it.

 

Okay but they are able to reconfirm that everything is on the up and up, that they have been able to reverify that their WS is transparent and authentic which would be another positive affirmation.

 

But, honestly, why are their potential hurt feeling LFH's responsibility? So if a BS comes here and posts to LFH that her MM doesn't really love her and sees her as a side dish and she is being used, and she gets hurt by that is the BS' responsible for LFH's hurt feelings?

 

Or someone comes here, posts that MM in general are just using the OP, that they are a side dish and their little side item, and LFH gets hurt by that comment because it does trigger a feeling from last Friday, does that mean the original poster of the comment is responsible for LFH's feelings and owes her anything?

[Poppy fields]

The original topic was whether or not anyone had ever seen a WS pretend to reconcile.

 

Oh, yes, I have. I used to work in the medical field and it was like General Hospital. No joke.

[Realist3]

In answer to the original question, I think that few marriages are truly reconciled, and I think a lot of affairs go more underground and continue after d day. If they go underground, it's because either one or both women enable it to happen. It's a losing situation for all parties.

 

While I can agree with most of that perspective I think it really depends on the affair itself. IMO, the longer the affair lasts, the more emotional bond there is present, the more likely they will go underground and continue in some form or fashion. But we also read about affairs that last weeks or maybe a couple of months. In those instances I don't think a real sustainable bond has been built and are more likely to end completely.

[cocorico]

I often see BS post how their WS has completely changed after their affair was discovered, they are working hard and reconciliation seems promising.

 

What I wonder is how often does a WS give their BS this impression (by attending counseling, etc.) when in fact nothing has changed with their AP at all? Has anyone ever seen this?

 

I think when one hears about 20-odd DDays it's clear how potent denial can be. I'm sure that after a single DDay at least some MM continue the A, whether hedging their bets, or buying time before they can safely leave the M, or because neither R on its own is enough for them, or for a multitude of other potential reasons.

 

Genuine R is difficult. Transitioning to an open, FTR with a fAP is difficult. Both require massive amounts of work from the WS, and also from the SO. But unless the WS does make the effort, the risk remains of recidivism, leading to false R (if still M) or infidelity in the "new" R.

 

So I'd guess it happens a great deal more often than we hear about.

[Henni]

Get better at hiding it. That is why i believe divorce is best. Nevertheless, a person that is cheating and continues the cheating after d day by becoming more deceitful is a very sick person.

 

Would you cooperate with your man to hide the affair into deep underground if you had a d day?

 

If there were a DDay, he would have to be straight out of the marriage / house or it would be permanently over between us. The only point in not having a DDay already is that it would cause needless hurt to his BS and kids, and because it could make the divorce agreement more difficult to achieve and bring on more conflict.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

In answer to the original question, I think that few marriages are truly reconciled, and I think a lot of affairs go more underground and continue after d day. If they go underground, it's because either one or both women enable it to happen. It's a losing situation for all parties.

 

This is probably more often the case than not. Yes, there are a lot of marriages that continue after an affair, but truly reconciled is a tough one. Marriages are never the same after an affair.

 

I also imagine there are more BS's, OW's, OM's, etc on the same board than we all know. Honestly it probably wouldn't take much for someone who knows me and my situation personally to figure out who I am just because of the nature of how my affair was handled. It was quite public. And you know what? I don't care anymore because I am going to do what's right for me to try to heal myself and hopefully my relationship with my husband and family.

 

Doesn't mean I'm not going to have hard days from time to time.

 

Anyway - I don't believe LFH was purposely trying to hurt anyone, just pointing out that unfortunately some people are in what they believe is a reconciled marriage and it is not what it appears to be.

[seren]

I think that no matter how many different scenarios, examples or stories of how it all goes down on or after D Day, unless we can relate we will always lean toward the one that best matches our experience.

 

Those of us who have more than succesfully reconciled can state over and over that it just isn't like that and those who are still in the A after D Day can counter argue that it just isn't so. It doesn't make either experience a lie or how it is, just that it is how it is for the individual. I know for an absolute that there was no contact with OW after H ended it (before D Day for me). I also know of some people who have continued the A after D Day. The common denominator being the D Day and not the result.

 

Some marriages recover very well after D Day and can be strengthed by the hard work both do to repair damage. Other's never had a chance and would have ended A or not, some see the WS telling the AP that they are living in the cellar, being prevented to contact the WS. I have not seen this, most are trying to keep the marriage together while placating the AP. I hate those false R's as both the BS and AP are lied to.

I think false R is despicable, to have your trust blown out of the water after making the hard decision to reconcile, then having it blown up again is nasty.

To tell an AP that they will leave (insert reason) with no intention of leaving, is nasty, to say that the life at home is jujst so bad and then find out that the reason the BS didn't know is simply because it wasn't and was as it always had be, is nasty.

 

I am sure that some WS leave on D Day, most because they have no option, I feel most respect for those that leave before, in that way there is at least truth that everyone can understand.

 

It isn't a competition, A's by their nature are hurtful and deceitful so at least one person will be hurt. I wish that on D Day there would be a line drawn in the sand by both BS and AP. Commit to one or the other, but end the lies.