So we took a break.

[questionsandanswers]

I've never posted anything like this before but I thought I would try to draw on the wealth of knowledge the internet offers....

 

TL;DR: How do you handle the meeting at the end of a predetermined "break"? What are you trying to accomplish?

 

I'll Cole's Notes our relationship thus far as best I can and would like some advice as to how to handle our post-break meeting.

 

--

 

- Dating for a little under a year, met the parents, done holidays, etc. I'm 26, she's 24.

- Have talked randomly about marriage and the distant future but never with any type of commitment involved and more so that maybe one day (years away) it could happen.

- She recently went back to school in January, and moved out from her mother's place with a friend of hers about a month ago.

- I think we get along great, enough common interests and we talk easily to each other. Sex has always been good, although slightly less often recently (definitely a sign I think).

- She got out of a fairly LTR (3 years) a few months before we started dating, we talked about not getting too serious during the first few months but things kind of changed around Xmas... exchanged I love yous and whatnot. We talked it through and she seemed on board with it. Comes from a non-nuclear family FWIW.

- I've definitely become somewhat of a wussy the last month or so. I've been really busy, and just pretty much acquiesce to whatever she wants (which isn't much). She would constantly tell me how much she misses me so I tried to make time for her. But regardless of how this relationship turns out, it was an eyeopener in hindsight. Come to think of it we've had maybe two major fights the whole time which never lasted more than a day.

 

--

 

So anyway, last weekend we head to a friend's house to have dinner with him and his wife. Pretty boring night, and we were supposed to go out to a party afterwards with some of her friends. On the drive back I started talking about random dates we could do and that my parents wanted to know if she wanted to come to dinner with us for my uncle's birthday. When we get to her place she says she needs to have a serious conversation and basically isn't sure if she wants to be in a relationship.

 

I'm a little taken aback but let her speak, she says I'm the best BF she's ever had and she's still in love with me but she only sees LTR when she looks at me, something she's not sure she's ready for. Says the thought has been building since she moved out and she feels overwhelmed all the time and it was all too much, and that it was selfish of her to keep me in it when she wasn't sure her heart wasn't in it. Through her barrage of tears we eventually decide to take a break for a few weeks. Only contact was the day after where I sent her a text apologizing if I didn't handle the prior conversation as well as possible and that I was hurt but it was a mature way to handle the situation and we'd see what happens. She said the same.

 

The way I see it, the relationship is basically done since if she was truly attracted to me still then this wouldn't be an issue. Perhaps I'm just jaded. Obviously this sucks because she's great and makes me really happy, I do want to be with her. I'm ok modifying our relationship in some way so that we don't always have to be together. I feel like with school, work and money issues, she feels pulled in different directions.

 

On the other hand, I just want to call BS and get her to just lay out that she's not into me so I can get some closure. It would have already been much easier for me (and I doubt I'd be posting here), if she had said that it was over and wants to end things. Dangling this little carrot in front of me makes it worse. She said she doesn't want to end things because she's afraid she's making a mistake, still loves me, etc. but isn't sure she can handle all this. I'm hoping that she just says it was PMS and that separating is a mistake.

 

I read some of that GIGS thread above... but I'm not sure how much of it I buy. She told me she's never really been single, which is true for the most part. I was for most of my 20s while she was in two seperate LTRs, a few months apart. I don't see the hype, being single for the most part is ****ty once you quit being a bar star.

 

I don't think there's someone else she's wanting to be with since I have trouble imaging when she would have found the time to meet someone, she has 35 hours of class a week, a PT job and obviously spends time with me....

 

Anyway, if you read this diatribe, I'd like advice as to how to handle our post break meeting. For me it's either relationship or bust, I'm not gonna be friends with her after. I don't need to see her 24/7 (or even 18/3) but I need her to be with me and more importantly want to be with me. I plan at some point setting that out as such.

 

This is new territory for me, so I appreciate any help and insight.

 

Q+A

[OwlSoul]

If she says she is in love with you, but does not want to keep the relationship, maybe she really believes it?

 

I feel like with school, work and money issues, she feels pulled in different directions.

This is what usually happens. One partner starts getting involved to more activities and etc., the second one feels not loved as before and starts pushing. This adds tension and the pressure and the guilt. So the person who is pulling away starts feeling guilt and sorry, rather than love and respect.

 

 

I'd like advice as to how to handle our post break meeting.

Everyone would say be cool, natural (do not pretend you're happy, if you are not), not pushy or needy. You know the answers. You already know what you want, you have a strong personality, and what you're going to say.

 

The best way to gain the love is not try to do it at all.

[questionsandanswers]

My issue at this point is there any difference in this case between a break and a break up? I'm sure that must come up a lot around here.

 

We set a timeline, said it wasn't to see other people, that it was just about giving her some space to see what she wants and how she feels.

 

This is why I'm struggling to give her that space, although I'm empathetic enough to realize that nothing positive can really come from "breaking" it early. She'll only feel more put upon and I want to respect her wishes and space one way or another. I feel like she should just know if she wants to be with me, that if she has to think about it then it's already a lost cause.

 

I want to pick up the phone and tell her let's meet tomorrow and put an end to this one way or another, but then I feel that would be selfish on my part and hurt any chance of reconciliation. I also want to give her some time to realize that I was hopefully a positive part of her life and not the overt point of stress.

 

But the fact that she had never really brought any of this up with me before makes me think she's just not into it. Sure it's only another week or so, but it's a rather gut-wrenching one. And I've felt like a bitch this whole time. Is there any positive to come from ending this no contact break early? I can't see how she would feel it as a chivalrous gesture of "I can't live without you" or anything like that because I think she knew I was already into her.

 

If I'm honest with myself, things have gotten stale over the last month or so. We've both been busy, don't have sex whenever we can like we did in the honeymoon phase, see each other sporadically and haven't done anything really exciting. This is what me think more and more that the spark is just gone, will this break do anything to change that? In her "pre-break" speech she went through all of the stuff mentioned in the GIGS post, but I still can't come to terms with that stuff being legit, at least not in the point of our relationship. I feel that its a cop out on her part, aren't we supposed to work through these things together?

 

I'm really hoping for the skies to open and some kind soul to say "BUT OF COURSE, IT ALWAYS WORKS!" but if wishes were horses or whatnot....

[OwlSoul]

My issue at this point is there any difference in this case between a break and a break up?

Welp, break-up is meant to be with no hope. Whereas the break is not official and gives a probability of getting back together in the future. Just a gentle break-up someone would say. When you both are not separate officially, but you could see other people.

 

 

However! She and you might understand and feel it differently. That's why it's better not to roam here for the answers.

 

Is there any positive to come from ending this no contact break early?

Again, it is hard to tell what is right to do, since every situation is different.

 

I'd personally wait, since I know it is my gut feeling pushing me to do this. When you won't feel the aching urge, need to break it, here we go, you're free to do it. Paradox.

 

This is what me think more and more that the spark is just gone, will this break do anything to change that?

The so-called 'spark' is an on and off event. It is normal to be less or more interested in your partner.

It is also an indication that something is going wrong. She might start working more and not being able to express her love. It results in the feeling dying.

 

 

I personally think that GIGS thing is a BS.

 

I feel that its a cop out on her part, aren't we supposed to work through these things together?

It might work for you two.

 

But in my experience my dumper would never say what is the issue, since he's (Englishman) playing a gentleman. And dumpers never really want to work the things out when they start feeling weird and emotionally distanced. Since it puts additional pressure, makes them feel more guilt if it won't start working straightaway.

 

One of my friends just let his girl to have the space she was asking for and was not contacting her for like 1 month. He believes she was using this time to get used to the issues she saw or resolve them. After the month of the break she has returned and they've been communicating as before.

[questionsandanswers]

Mid afternoon bump... thanks for the reply Owl, I'm curious to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it/what the conclusion was.

[questionsandanswers]

We're supposed to meet tomorrow. NC for two weeks, how is this break conversation supposed to go down?

 

Could really use some help here, in a weird spot I've never dealt with before... always been a clean break in the past.

[Echo000]

let me tell you--going on a "break" is an AWFUL idea..both sides end of really hurt. Why? Well for one, it leads to torture in your mind. What if she is fu****ing someone else right now? what if she did while she was on a break? What exactly has she been doing while we have been apart?

 

To me, breaks are just an easier (more cowardly) way to be single without having to break up with someone. I can say this because I have pushed for a break, and it ultimately came to cause me nothing but true pain. Oh, and it led to the break up as well.

 

Breaks are bad news. You are treading in real dark waters. But man, i sure hope it goes well. I mean that, no sarcasm. Just be careful man. Wish someone had given me this advice before I tried going down the "break" route...

[Amelie1980]

Breaks are a very bad idea.

 

All that will happen is she will get used to you not being there.

[TaraMaiden]

Sorry.

A break is merely the pre-emptor of the break-UP.

 

If a partner feels that there is something in the relationship they wish to be distant from, then it means that they would rather walk away from it and nurse their own thoughts on the matter, than discuss it and try to determine a mutually agreeable solution.

 

When a girl wants a break - you're not ticking all her emotional boxes.

Plain and simple.

There is something there she sees poor effort on.

However, she is going through confusion, because some bits she likes, other bits, not so much. It's great, but not 'great' enough.

And oddly enough, the more you try to please, the less productive and successful this tactic is.

because all she sees is an attempt on your part to "please don't go, I'll do anything, honest!" and a temporary attempt at that - because should she decide to stay, then you will simply revert to type.

Your motivation is wrong, and she sees it as fake.

 

She doesn't want to hurt you, hence the 'let's take a break'.... it's designed to soften the blow, but in fact it just prolongs the agony.

 

In your shoes?

I would pre-empt the meeting by calling it off and saying you recognise when something is dead in the water, and that you wish her well, and hope she has a good life, "So long and thanks for all the fish".

 

One of two things will happen:

 

She will either thank you for your gracious exit and be glad that you understand,

 

or -

 

She will protest loudly and plead with you to meet her anyway, and there's stuff she needs to work out with you.

 

(The latter could still mean it's over, however; she may just want to be the one who has the 'last word'.)

 

But 'break'.....?

yeah.....

 

 

 

 

 

No.

[Amelie1980]

Sorry.

A break is merely the pre-emptor of the break-UP.

 

If a partner feels that there is something in the relationship they wish to be distant from, then it means that they would rather walk away from it and nurse their own thoughts on the matter, than discuss it and try to determine a mutually agreeable solution.

 

When a girl wants a break - you're not ticking all her emotional boxes.

Plain and simple.

There is something there she sees poor effort on.

However, she is going through confusion, because some bits she likes, other bits, not so much. It's great, but not 'great' enough.

And oddly enough, the more you try to please, the less productive and successful this tactic is.

because all she sees is an attempt on your part to "please don't go, I'll do anything, honest!" and a temporary attempt at that - because should she decide to stay, then you will simply revert to type.

Your motivation is wrong, and she sees it as fake.

 

She doesn't want to hurt you, hence the 'let's take a break'.... it's designed to soften the blow, but in fact it just prolongs the agony.

 

In your shoes?

I would pre-empt the meeting by calling it off and saying you recognise when something is dead in the water, and that you wish her well, and hope she has a good life, "So long and thanks for all the fish".

 

One of two things will happen:

 

She will either thank you for your gracious exit and be glad that you understand,

 

or -

 

She will protest loudly and plead with you to meet her anyway, and there's stuff she needs to work out with you.

 

(The latter could still mean it's over, however; she may just want to be the one who has the 'last word'.)

 

But 'break'.....?

yeah.....

 

 

 

 

 

No.

 

True about liking some bits but other bits, not so.much.

 

Isn't this what all relationships are like though. People are not saints. Has anyone ever been in a relationship where they are 100% happy with everything.

 

Totally off topic but whatever.

[TaraMaiden]

True about liking some bits but other bits, not so.much.

 

Isn't this what all relationships are like though. People are not saints. Has anyone ever been in a relationship where they are 100% happy with everything.

 

Totally off topic but whatever.

 

That isn't the point.

There is no such thing as the totally happy relationship, totally 100% of the time.

But there IS the relationship where 9 out of 10 of the boxes are ticked , 9 out of 10 times.

 

And the boxes vary.

 

If fewer boxes are ticked, or it's always the same bloody box - then something is going to snap.

 

Particularly if instead of discussing the 'boxes' one of the two just decides it would be better to simply 'take a break'.

[questionsandanswers]

Thanks for the replies all.

 

 

Sorry.

 

 

When a girl wants a break - you're not ticking all her emotional boxes.

Plain and simple.

 

This is pretty much the conclusion I came to. I'll even throw in "attraction" boxes for good measure. I had the intention to end things pretty much a few days after she asked for some space with the thought in mind that if this wasn't something we could talk about and try to work out together than what was the point of trying to be in a relationship one way or another. Various people talked me out of that and said to wait it out.

 

--

 

But... she contacted me a few days before the agreed upon period asking when we we're going to meet via text. I gave her some pretty curt detail oriented responses and had even gone so far as to gather her stuff up from around my place.

 

A few hours later (midnight) I get an "I miss you" text... brutal. I was pretty much OK with ending things/had come to terms with it and now that kinda cuts to the core.

 

As far as the supplication and "I'll do anything"... not so much my style. If we get back together in whatever form I feel like it will need to be her taking this approach to some extent, selfish as that may sound. In as non-petty a manner as possible, I feel like the aggrieved party and she'll have to make amends in some form for me to feel the same way/have that trust again.

[TaraMaiden]

......

A few hours later (midnight) I get an "I miss you" text... brutal. I was pretty much OK with ending things/had come to terms with it and now that kinda cuts to the core.

 

That's pretty much the 'last word' kind of behaviour I was talking about....

 

As far as the supplication and "I'll do anything"... not so much my style. If we get back together in whatever form I feel like it will need to be her taking this approach to some extent, selfish as that may sound. In as non-petty a manner as possible, I feel like the aggrieved party and she'll have to make amends in some form for me to feel the same way/have that trust again.

Sad to say this is a pretty healthy attitude.

If someone's going to try to mess with your mind, you need to somehow demonstrate (and not necessarily rudely or unkindly) that sorr, that's not going to happen.

 

'You wanted this - you steered things in this direction. You think I'm going to beg? Think again.'

 

Keep us posted - we're her to support....

[siankat]

i agree with owl soul. especially on the point that you wont find your answers here. will just confuse further. just my thought. wishing you the best.

[questionsandanswers]

We ended up getting back together a couple of days ago. Had a long talk about what we both wanted from each other and how we would move forward. Details aren't that important. She said she didn't want to lose me and that she had reevaluated how important I was to her. Ok fine, both agreed we would continue to see each other and move slowly.

 

As we we're wrapping this conversation up she said she was worried about cheating on me if we were going to spend less time together, but she felt confident that she would be able to end things before it got to this point and that she wanted me to know that. Told her it was a deal breaker for me if she ever cheated on me it was over. I've never cheated in any relationship and find it despicable, and look down on some of the friends I have who have done so.

 

Amicably back together, lots of lovey dovey BS.

 

We went out last night and in the morning I looked at her phone to get a number her friend had sent to her for me. As I was looking through the texts with this friend, I saw how she had screenshotted a convo she had had with another guy who she described as the "boy on the side" and "look at what he sent me". A sexually explicit conversation that was had after we had gotten back together.

 

I confronted her openly in the morning, and gave her a chance to come clean, saying I needed to know if she had cheated on me in the past given the conversation we had when we got back together. She denied it until I just said that I already knew and had seen the text then she admitted it. Said she didn't want to tell me since it would only hurt me and she wanted to make a clean start from this point forward. Went through the it will never happen again, I love you, I'm a horrible person blah blah blah.

 

She said the break we had was a wake up call to her about a lot of things in her life and she was trying to change them. She thought she was a horrible person and that she wanted to become the type of person I deserved to be with. Said she had struggled often with being with just one person but now she knew she was fully committed as I was that important to her and the only thing she wants. Said she knew the hurt she had caused and never wanted to do something like that again. I basically told her I didn't know how I could deal with this and got her to leave.

 

I want to tell her to piss off and enjoy her life, that I'm done with her.

I want to tell her that I'll never trust her again.

I want to tell her that she's a horrible person who's not ready for any type of real relationship and she needs to seriously sort out her life.

 

But, I think she genuinely wants to change. Her family life is ****ed up and she obviously has baggage, but she has tons of great qualities I really love. I just don't know if I will be able to move past this. I'm not even all that upset, since I had come to terms with not being with her in the last few weeks. Now I'm just disengaged, and feeling different things.

 

I looked at a couple of "can you ever get past cheating" threads and different websites. I just don't know. I was so happy to be back together with her and enjoy her so much. But she has really hurt me know and I'm not sure I can forgive. I definitely don't want to be her doormat but I also want to look at this break as a new beginning (somewhat).

 

I'm leaning more towards saying sayonara, don't let the door hit you on the way out. You're a ****ed up person who will never be in a healthy relationship if you continue on this path. But I think she knows this and genuinely wants to change, I feel like I saw it in her eyes through her tears. Which didn't make me sad the way they used too....

 

Don't know what I expect here but needed to put this out somewhere. C'est la vie.

[ThatJustHappened]

Yeesh. She cheated less than a week after you got back together? That's awful. I would say goodbye.

[Darren Steez]

Oh dude, dude, dude, dude..

 

So you got the I love you but can see a relationship blah blah blah from one side of her mouth and the other side was busy arranging with the other guy to sleep with him? You already know she was laying the foundations to sleep with this guy, probably had been for a while..not like they just meet up after you guys "had a break" and fell into bed together..

 

So basically you got played, even after not trusting your own judgement to call her on her BS, you still went ahead for the better good and got back together with her...now you know the truth.

 

You got played.

[questionsandanswers]

Yeesh. She cheated less than a week after you got back together? That's awful. I would say goodbye.

 

Nah, this happened a couple months ago. I just found out about it now. I can't go back and edit it now apparently.

 

The I love you/cant see a relationship convo was the break convo, somewhere in the range of a month or two after she had cheated. The most recent ones were how she wanted to be a better person and was now fully committed even if she wasn't sure before.

 

She was obviously pretty upset at getting called on it, said she was a horrible person and would understand if I didn't want to be with her (how nice). But that she would wait for me while I figured out what I wanted to do (again how nice of her).

Edited April 24, 2013 by questionsandanswers

[pbjbear]

Sorry.

A break is merely the pre-emptor of the break-UP.

 

If a partner feels that there is something in the relationship they wish to be distant from, then it means that they would rather walk away from it and nurse their own thoughts on the matter, than discuss it and try to determine a mutually agreeable solution.

 

When a girl wants a break - you're not ticking all her emotional boxes.

Plain and simple.

There is something there she sees poor effort on.

However, she is going through confusion, because some bits she likes, other bits, not so much. It's great, but not 'great' enough.

And oddly enough, the more you try to please, the less productive and successful this tactic is..

 

I agree 100% with this post. Breaks lead to breakups. If they dont and you get back together then its not a good idea anyway because that means this person can just take a vacation whenever they want and they dont value you. You either work on your issues and stay together or break up. People who suggest "breaks" are cowardly and usually have a specific motive in mind (usually other people...) And then when it doesnt work out or they get sick of them they come crawling back.

[TaraMaiden]

Two things stuck out for me:

 

But, I think she genuinely wants to change. Her family life is ****ed up and she obviously has baggage.........

I'm leaning more towards saying sayonara, don't let the door hit you on the way out. You're a ****ed up person who will never be in a healthy relationship if you continue on this path. But I think she knows this and genuinely wants to change, I feel like I saw it in her eyes through her tears. Which didn't make me sad the way they used too....

 

Family baggage is no excuse.

Family baggage is a crutch. It's a get-out clause. It's using the "I can't help it, it's the way I grew up, and it's how I am..." bullschytt.

 

It's a mistake to believe that your past defines your present.

The past is certainly a memory, but it doesn't need to affect what a person engages in, now.

By all means use it as a tool to change for the better, but don't sigh and lean on it wistfully, 'woe-is-me' style, and justify what happens now, through what happened then....

 

 

The I love you/cant see a relationship convo was the break convo, somewhere in the range of a month or two after she had cheated. The most recent ones were how she wanted to be a better person and was now fully committed even if she wasn't sure before.

 

She was obviously pretty upset at getting called on it, said she was a horrible person and would understand if I didn't want to be with her (how nice). But that she would wait for me while I figured out what I wanted to do (again how nice of her).

 

Emotional blackmail.

 

You know what I have been through, but look, I can change.

Oh really? When do you intend to actually implement that, exactly.......?

 

And all this 'I'm a horrible person, I understand if you don't want to be with me' nonsense, is just a dare.

Go on, I dare you to say, "good, I don't want to be with you."

 

I would honestly tell her she doesn't need to waste any time waiting.....

Really, this is manipulation at its finest.....

 

I gotta hand it to her, she's good at throwing the ball of confusion, isn't she?