kcs121 Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Me and my boyfriend have been together about 3 years. we have been faithful to each other as far as i am aware. However he is very insecure, and because of this has to give off a "im the man" vibe, very egotistical. i know this is part in parcel of being with him, and i try and make him feel important most of the time, and "stroke his ego" - i know he likes talking to other women ( i dont think he would ever cheat on me) - but it is the fact he sometimes hides it from me - it makes me wonder what he has to feel guilty about. he has had a really bad upbringing so i dont think knows how to be honest with women - but that is a side point. I am aware of this insecurity, that means our relationship is not as stable - i myself am becoming insecure, because im worried that he will see something better (or more attractive) and drop me. My main concern (and i know it is so immature to think this) is that he "suits" someone skinnier, (i know he is attracted to slim women, whereas im not as "skinny") and when a friend saw his daughters mother (was dropping his daughter off), she said "i didnt picture her like that, i pictured her skinny and blonde". This REALLY threw me off, and makes me wonder whether we suit at all? if i was thinking it too? im 5 11, brunette, and curvy. which i know men like as well, but the TOTAL opposite of what i was thinking he suited, and now my friend has said what i was thinking too. Also: i like to go out and have fun, eg clubbing/visiting friends, having a few drinks (nothing major, but letting your hair down a bit) and he hates me doing that. its really frustrating as i have always been faithful to him and CAN look like these fun/sexy women but i need to have some space to enjoy myself, and not feel so homely! How is it they want a certain women, however dont give their own women enough space/confidence to go out and BE it! most of his ex-gfs are very attractive women however in photos they never ever reached their full potential with him! I know this sounds so immature..it is very hard being the person stuck in it though! Link to post Share on other sites
noble Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 There are two issues here: 1. His talking to other women and hiding it from you. 2. You're insecurity about his type. So let me address #2 first by asking you a question, have all the men you've dated looked similar and had the same features and hair color? Will you only date blondes or brunettes? If not, then why do you assume your boyfriend only wants to date one type of women. You realize, I hope, that men, and humans in general, are capable of being attracted to many different "types" of women. My boyfriend for example doesn't have a type, and he can find many different types of girls cute. Just because you are blonde or brunette, does not mean your man should only find other brunettes attractive, or only look at porn that features women that look like you. I'm sure he's with you because of something a little more important than looks -- your personality. I would choose a partner whose personality I loved, even if they weren't my "type" over a guy who was physically my ideal but lacked an interesting personality. Okay, enough with that! #1... his talking to women is not a big deal. Surely you're okay with him having some friends of the opposite sex. However, the fact that he is trying to hide it from you is worrisome. Also it sounds like these are more flirty-friends, which he uses to get attention, and not just your regular friends. I would be worried about this. Sometimes men that are insecure and need a lot of validation from outside women are going to be more prone to cheat. For example, if your relationship hits a rough patch he might begin to search further outside the relationship for attention and validation. However, until you have proof that something is going on I wouldn't try to worry about it too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kcs121 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 thank you for your reply i can see your point with number 1, thankyou! i do understand he is allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, but you are right, when our relationship hits a rough patch, he runs straight back to texting and seeking validation from outside sources. This has started numerous fights in the past, i have explained i just need to be told honestly, and he agreed - however it still sits at the back of my head every single day! i know that we are in a good place at the moment and he wouldnt be, but yes. what if we were to hit another rough patch. he gets extremely defensive when i try to bring the situation up. its a no-win! Link to post Share on other sites
noble Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Have you ever been allowed access to his phone, to see what type of conversations he's having? What about facebook? Or is it all kept secret from you. I believe it is true that if people have nothing to hide, they will be an open book. I used to be really snoopy with my boyfriend, but I never found anything so I eventually stopped. Also, I was able to snoop because he always asks me to put his phone in my purse when we're out, or he'll leave it in my bedroom when he goes to shower. Eventually I realized he was leaving it around because he had nothing to hide, and didn't care. If he ever starts hiding it, I'll know that somethings up. Anyways, if your boyfriend is transparent in these areas I wouldn't worry. It is the hiding of things that seems strange to me, and a bit suspicious. Also, is he honest with you when you ask? I believe that honesty is really the most important aspect of a relationship, because you can still maintain trust. For example, I've always told my boyfriend I'd be crushed if he ever cheated on me, but if he did, and told me about it honestly, I would definitely try to forgive him. Because sometimes people do things to hurt us, but if they're truthful with us then in a way we can maintain that trust. The trust is only broken if I go to my boyfriend, and he lies to my face. He doesn't do that, so even though sometimes I might not like what he says, I can trust he is always honest with me. Even when it is something really embarassing for him.. Anyways, if your bf starts to lie about his conversations with other girls, then I would be worried. If he is honest, or an open book about it, then I would trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) I disagree with the person above me-kcs. Youll see in these forums there are alot of double standards. If a guy were posting your situation OP, everybody would be telling him his girlfriend is untrustworthy and trashy. I would know, Ive been observing this forum for quite some time. I dont believe in double standards. Unfortunately, many women think its ok for a guy to do this, to use women for external validation, but a woman who does it is a demon. I would be worried if I were you that he talks to other women but hides it. I only had one relationship out of 5 where trust was an issue, and I have to tell you this was the first thing he did that showed his character. Not saying that'll happen to you, but a guy who uses the opposite sex as external validation is likely to lie, cheat and do other dishonest things because eventually your relationship wont be perfect and that is how he copes. Edited April 10, 2013 by reaver Link to post Share on other sites
Author kcs121 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Share Posted April 10, 2013 thankyou. some things to think about. he and i are obviously friends on facebook, he does have a password on his phone, and always keeps it close, however it is never on silent and if it goes off, i generally know what the conversation is about - so it is good for now - definitly things to think about in the future though, i think the only way i would be able to look at his phone is if the password was off and i sneaked around the otherside of the bed at night - however the fear of getting caught "snooping" stops me from doing this, and i dont want to seem insecure and push the subject. At the end of the day i guess even if he does cheat it has nothing to do with me anyway, it says more about his character, however i dont want to waste my time any longer if he isnt being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
reaver Posted April 11, 2013 Share Posted April 11, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/385209-girlfriend-still-friends-her-ex Read this and look at the men's reactions Link to post Share on other sites
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