therapy brings up issues

[Improudofme]

Therapy brings up weird issues. My WS spent time in individual therapy, and we talked about issues I can't understand, we have made so much progress--but the one I really don't understand is this- this has been 3 years---He stated-he felt in love with the AP but knew he would never want to be with her- Yet he almost left us for her- yet he almost destroyed our family. Confusing?? - That is what I feel.

 

When asked why he knew he could never be with her is because - she was referred to as the company bicycle. She was a woman at the office that everyone knew would sleep with them. She ran around the office saying to everyone - that she knew why men in the office liked her- because she was FUN. ??? She went to strip clubs with out of town guests and everyone knew she would drive home these out of towners and make them happy. He stated he knew he couldn't spend his life with her because - everyone would laugh at him and he would always have to wonder who she had been with. He would never be able to bring her to any company outings because everyone would laugh at him.

 

So here goes my confusion- she slept with everyone - he took advantage of this - slept with her - but started a major relationship with her - when everyone else just used her - he went completely down a line of falling in love. He spent money on her he had a real RELATIONSHIP. When discovered he kept it up. He mouthed in therapy all of the above but he still felt deeply for her. - WTH???? But he was in love with her????

He has stated - he didn't think he could ever allow this woman around our impressionable teenagers - because he wouldn't want them to turn out like her??? She was very proud of her sexual prowess and he didn't want our girls to get advice from her on any matter. WTH???? How was he going to continue a realtionship with his daughters and keep them away from his partner??

 

How in the heck - Do you fall in love with someone you don't feel is morally OK??? Or with someone you would be ashamed of?????? He always talks about how they went to dinner after work one evening and talked and immediately she asked him over to screw the next day and he said to himself- Damn- she's a sl*t. But then he went head first into a LOVE type of relationship. Everyone else just slept with her- - which by the way she liked because as she states--she was sexually liberated and can do whatever she wants.

 

I can't wrap my head around it. We truly almost got divorced because he felt so deeply for someone he was too embarrassed to go out with. Were they going to live in a cave for the rest of their lives?? Are there any WS out there that can help me wrap my head around what happened????? 3 years out and we are almost completely R'd but I really cannot get passed this.

It is just so confusing??

[Mint Sauce]

for the same reason why men fall for their escort, even though they'd never marry a prostitute.

 

The eternal battle between "es" and "uber-ich".

 

I'm guessing he wasn't used to much, sexually: she showed him a whole new world. While more experienced men would simply use her, she was his "first" so to speak, and hence bonding occurred, even though this was in conflict with his moral compass. She answered to a very deep need in him, to be loved physically.

 

Perhaps combined with a madonna-whore complex (google it), this is a very powerful/tense situation.

 

I'm guessing the sexual relationship you have with him is far too vanilla for his real desires, those he perhaps doesn't even dare discuss with you.

 

Yes, I've more or less been there.

[Improudofme]

We have and had a great sex life - he claims sex with her was not good- and I hate to admit it but since she has slept with everyone at the office- it takes sitting next to any one at a company outing to hear a couple of the men talking about how much she sucked in bed-(when they think no one is listening.) so I kind of believe him. This woman is the talk of the office- almost like a movie character- it is crazy what she does and did. When I heard some of the stories about her - I was thinking people were lying- just trying to make me feel better- but no- WS has actually agreed with the stories- stated they weren't lies. He knew them all!!!

There was a tiny little park within a mile of their office and they all called it Ap's park - small park with just 5 parking spots and a park bench--because she would gladly service some of the men there on lunch breaks. Maybe just going to a park in front of everyone was a thrill or something, but honestly we did that kind of thing. I don't think that is it, but maybe. But why fall in love?? Thanks for the response. I really am struggling with this - I can't wrap my brain around it.

[Spark1111]

Hmmmm....I'm guessing it was not the quality of the actual sex, it was what many men mistake for love: a woman who desires them immediately and all the time with NSA.

 

That type of non-stop desire = love for many men. It is the supreme ego boost, the ultimate turn on....a woman acting like a man in that foreplay is unneccessary and let me gratify you only, and let's do it at lunch as I can't wait any longer.

 

Perhaps be grateful she wasn't a gold-digger. You may be broke now too.

[WhoreyBull]

You will never understand, we cannot help who we love.

No matter how much slut-shaming you do it won't become any more clear.

Edited April 10, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[Spark1111]

There is a school of professional thought that says we are not necessasarily attracted to the person.....rather, the attraction is to how the person made. Them feel.

 

What was it in your H's case? A sex god? Important? sexually liberated? What?

 

And that most likely had nothing to do with you. It had to do with unmet needs or unresolved issues within himself.

 

Because had he truly loved her he would be with her and he is not. He is with you.

[whichwayisup]

He didn't 'fall in love' with her, he got caught up the drama and intensity of their affair and how she made him feel. It was all based on sex. He doesn't respect her at all. Not then and not now. He loved having her feed his ego and make him feel like a king, all in an affair dynamic. He just thinks he was in love with her. What does he actually "miss" about her? Other than the sex.

 

Sorry if my words are harshly put, I don't mean to pour salt into your wounds.

 

And sorry that you've had to deal with him and his affair.

[Silly_Girl]

Your husband sounds very confused. Reading your post I wondered whether its possible that some of the derogatory and dismissive things he has said about her have been out of shame, or out of loyalty to you. Perhaps he doesn't understand his actions but it would be rare to fall in love with someone whom you fundamentally disrespect and apparently even dislike. I thought the less complimentary comments could be a kneejerk reaction for damage limitation.

 

Another possibility might be an addiction to the attention, in which case it would be relatively unimportant who she was or what she was like.

 

I totally get your frustration, the need to understand is so great. The difficulty is that if he doesn't understand it himself you're unlikely ever to fully wrap your head around it.

[Mint Sauce]

I totally get your frustration, the need to understand is so great. The difficulty is that if he doesn't understand it himself you're unlikely ever to fully wrap your head around it.

 

Fully agree with this: he needs to understand what happened, why he fell for her, first, and then try to explain that to you.

As long as he does not understand, you can't be at peace about the future.

 

I take it his therapy continues?