I broke up with her after she hit me

[siankat]

A brutally honest and pretty level headed friend of mine said to me yesterday when i commented how funny it was when as a kid i thought all adults were where they wanted to be in life and she said well, they kinda are. We are where it suits us to be. I found that really interesting and thought about it and i already knew, in the past while i was desperate for a loving relationship i was also addicted to drama. I never wanted to be hit. But i didn't want something truly healthy either i think. Whatever you do Michael, be honest with yourself about your motivations and you will remember your words one day and who you used to be and how you used to think if you do decide to continue knowing this woman for time to come.

[michaelc82]

I agree with Mack. This isn't to gang up, and believe me no one could have told me any different back in the day about anything. I had to learn the hard way because that is what i needed. That is you only option here. Invest and learn the hardest way imaginable or like Mack said, short term pain now and saving yourself so much time in the future.. I never realised i was co-dependant. Since i was 2yrs old my mum said i looked for exclusivity from people and expected a lot. No one is perfect So i am not advising we 'perfect' ourselves before entering relationships but Mack is right in what he said: you want to help her to avoid dealing with you (what is it you are not dealing with? unfullfilled dreams/aspirations?) and emotionally healthy people do not get with emotionally unhealthy people. Your thinking is sliding into the unhealthy and this will only attract more crap to your life.

 

True to that.. I don't think I'm completely Co-Dependent though? I saw a therapist a few years ago when I was exiting a relationship and was quite upset about it.. She claimed the other person was co-dependent and not me. I am all about space, and not having to make someone my world. I'm actually quite selfish when it comes down to it, but I think everyone has some form of co-dependency hard wired into them.. It's human nature to want to seek approval from your peers, and also it's human nature to feel saddened by someones mis-fortune.. She is the co-dependent here.. More than anyone I have ever dated I think.. I would get scolded for being too independent and wanting to do as I please when I wanted, called selfish all the time, and told that I only care about myself and my direct needs. Anything that was in this relationship is over, and I completely understand that... I'm not looking to rekindle what was, and find the girl I loved. However I do respect that she's addressing her actions and trying to make amends in a positive way, vs. just talking about it and acting crazy by telling me how much she loves me and how she will "Never do this again". Saying you will never do something again when you have what ever you do built into you is a hard hard thing to overcome. But human beings are an interesting beast I feel like.. If a man can stop drinking because he see's his world around him crumbling, I think someone can go down the road of positivity and love and leave all that fear behind.

 

All of the bull**** everyone in these forums is talking about (including me) is all a result of one thing. Fear. Everyone in here is dealing with fear in some way shape of form... Myself included.

 

My reasoning behind meeting her the other night was not because I don't think I will ever find that perfect person. I know for a fact I can continue on to meet all sorts of wonderful woman and continue a life of happiness. I haven't shed one tear over this whole situation, I've just been shaken up and wanting to learn as to why she would hit me, and betray the trust we had.

 

I also do have a high enough self-esteem to know that being treated like how I was being treated is wrong. Which is why I packed my bags, broke up with her, and took off. I'm now figuring out the next steps for myself.. I know for a fact that if I leave for good out of her life there will be a positive outcome for both of us. Her mind will be burned for life that treating people like this is unacceptable and no good can come from it, or maybe not, the truth is yet to come. I do know this. It doesn't change the fact that I still have a deep connection for this person, and know that behind all her confusion, fear and co-dependency is a person filled with goodness and love. She's proved that to me on multiple occasions, over and over. I know you're going to call me crazy for saying this. Her hitting me was unfortunate, but like I said before, I'm no saint either. I escalated a lot of these arguments due to my own frustrations with her, and called her some brutal names and said some horrible things to her I wish I had never said. I recognize I do need help as well to learn how to deal with conflict.. either rational conflict or irrational conflict.. I'm pretty passive aggressive by nature when I want to be, and this can drive certain people nuts.

 

I've seen a lot of talk in here about what you're used to, and what peoples comfort levels are. My mother used to hit me on occasion, up until I was 16-17.. There was a lot of love in my childhood, but also a lot of anger and fear directed towards me by her. She's still to this day is a very caring loving woman, but always said that I knew how to push her buttons to drive her into a fit of rage. I'm defiant by nature, always have been, and I know this can make people upset. I think I identified with some of the "drama" around the house with my current ex, because it was a fight like I was used to when growing up. However, when physical violence entered the equation, I'm smart enough to know that it isn't healthy to be in a situation like that.

 

My opinion on human beings is that we're all a bunch of piles of various sh*t. We all have our own issues that are either genetic or taught to us when growing up. We try to deal with them any way we can, and when we form a union with someone, it is the mixing of these behaviors, that determine the outcome of happiness, and self-fulfillment in that relationship. It also comes down to finding someone that can put up with your "issues" and you can put up with their "issues".. All the while loving them unconditionally because you can both support each others character traits and make one another a better person. Our overall goal is to create a stable union to do what we were all put on this earth to do... Procreate.

 

 

I'm 30 years old, and so is she.. We're still quite young, and both had interesting upbringings.. She is the second girlfriend I've had in a row who's father passed away, so maybe I respond to the co-dependent nature of having someone around like this as being familiar. But when it comes down to it, I'm pretty darn normal, with a laid back attitude towards life and want to just "be", have my space and go surfing where ever, and when ever I want. This is where I've seen the anger and fear come from in the last two partners I've had. I'm too independent and "selfish" which is a common word used in most relationships I've ever been in. The moral of the story is finding someone that compliments those traits I have, and can understand where I'm coming from. The other night she addressed everything I brought up here.. She admitted to being co-dependent.

Edited April 12, 2013 by michaelc82

[siankat]

Spot on. I hope you follow through. I wish for you continued strength, peace in your heart, and knowing what needs your attention now and what doesn't.

 

ps I agree with what you intimated, that many labels get bandied about and people are more complex than a few of their best or worst actions. It doesn't change anything about my opinion that you should leave her and stay away. But i do get what you are saying. Too much pop psychology trying to oversimplify complex things ie human beings