24 years marriage - ended

[Tom amoss]

Hi

5 weeks ago my wife left me. Its permanent, no way to fix it.

But I am so not coping with this.

I’m a complete emotional wreck.

24 year of my life completely down the drain.

How on earth do you cope with this pain.

Please some one help!

Many thanks

Tom

[FazedOut]

Tom,

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I, myself, am separated from my husband of 25 years for 6 months. I'm thinking it can't be saved as well....but I'm trying to do what I can on my end to wait this situation out. It's incredibly hard. Some days I just want to say forget it & file (today)....others I tell myself to hang on, because I'm not ready to give it up & he hasn't filed yet, so, why not change what I can about myself that needs it & see if that makes any difference after awhile....? Worst case, I still wind up divorced. Best case, we reconcile, do lots of hard work together to improve the relationship & hopefully reconnect in a better way. So we are both happy & getting out needs met.

 

I'm not gonna lie...it's hell at times. Right now none of MY needs are getting met & he's cake eating, but I can change my mind & stop trying anytime. It feels soooo bad because it feels like THEY are in control of your life & future...I know that feeling of loss of perceived power makes ME crazy. Thats why I mention the part about giving up any time. It's YOUR decision if you want to try: work on improving yourself & doing 180s on what wasn't working in the relationship, in hopes she'll see it & eventually believe it...or just let her go.

I know I never wanted to divorce, ever, & I am shocked I am in the position I now find myself in. Bad as it is, you have to face it...it won't go away. I've spent months in denial (you will likely go through that stage of grief as well)...just now I'm starting to really envision my future. It's overwhelming (you probably feel the same). Just trying to point out everything you're feeling is normal..we all go through it at some point.

 

What are the details of your separation? The more detail that you share, the more help you'll get here on the forums!

 

I can't offer much advice except to find a counselor, and trustworthy friends to talk to. Come here to vent (try not to wear your local friends/family support system out, divorced people are way more understanding, btw).

 

Also try finding divorce support groups, going to the gym to work off anxiety, it supposedly helps a lot!! Try to take up old or new hobbies. Also don't cry, beg, or plead. Sadly, it doesn't work and it leaves you frustrated & humiliated. Been there, done that.

I hope those who have more experience & advice pop in soon.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone....and that I KNOW how bad it hurts. I'm sorry, big hugs....

Edited April 10, 2013 by FazedOut

[Tom amoss]

Thanks FazedOut

 

Its so terrible is hard to write, but she, out of the blue just said she was leaving as she felt trapped. Hated being married and has been thinking of leaving for a few YEARS.

But a week before the leaving we had made love, were holding hands etc.

I tried to plead with her that whatever she was feeling we could get help, but she was adamant.

I had no idea she was feeling such thoughts, I really didn't.

She said there was no man; even her friends tell me there is no man. She just wants out, even told me to get a new girlfriend. She said that there is no way she will come back, so stop messaging her.

Today she starts renting her flat.

I really can't stand the pain, its too hard to bear, Suddenly go from what I thought was a perfect marriage to this just overnight. How could she lie for years and pretend to love me, make love to me. I just can’t understand.

I have lost so much weight, even though I eat. Work is now being affected.

I am now seeing a councillor, but that’s once a week and so costly.

How am I going to even think about starting a new life at 49

Its now 6 weeks this Friday and so I’m messed up.

 

Thanks for your help

Tom

[GorillaTheater]

Tom, I'm sorry you're here. And please understand that I'm not trying to diminish your pain when I say that your story, your exact situation, isn't all that unusual. All you have to do is root around here and sites like "Talk About Marriage" to find plenty of others.

 

First order of business is to take care of yourself. Go easy on the booze, try to eat, work out including heavy weights (get those endorphins flowing), find a DivorceCare group in your area, etc.

 

And here's the hard part, because you're probably not ready to accept it because it seems so counter-intuitive:

 

Divorce her. Sooner rather than later. Have her served without warning. Show her your serious about regaining control of your life and that you are confident that you can handle moving on without her.

 

At an absolute minimum, go No Contact with her. Be a ghost to her (you probably already are, as far as she's concerned, unless there's something she feels you might come in handy for like car repairs, etc.).

 

There probably is another man. It's not set in stone, and there are exceptions of course, but those are the odds you're dealing with.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. It will pass, and you can handle it.

[january2011]

Baby steps/one step at a time.

 

Make sure that you cover your bases:

 

• Legal (talk to a lawyer about the best way in terms of divorce/separation)
  
• Job (take some time off if you can, to regroup)
  
• Finances, especially if you were a double income household)
  
• Living situation (basic routines, e.g., cooking, cleaning and shopping)
  
• Children (if you have any)
  
• Physical wellbeing (find healthy ways to make yourself go to sleep, eat nutritious meals, start exercising regularly - even a half hour walk a day is better than nothing, maintain your physical appearance and hygiene)
  
• Mental and emotional wellbeing (continue seeing your counsellor, read other stories on here and give advice/commiserate where you can, write three things you are grateful for in a gratitude journal - even if you can only write something like, "the sun was shining today")
  
• Social (when you feel up to it, join a Meetup group so that you have an excuse to get out of the house)
  

Divorce Busters and Surviving Infidelity might be sites that are worth looking at.

[Wickedgurl]

My Stbxh asked for a divorce 8 weeks ago and filed last week. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed- but it's getting better. I refuse to be expendable to his midlife crisis. I have a daughter who will someday face a crisis of her own and I want her to remember her mother being as strong as possible. Look into your local churches. They offer divorce support groups for much less as little as 25$ and you'll find many a kindred spirit there.

Pamper yourself. Love yourself. Don't try to figure out why she's doing this. It's her problem. Unless you were abusive or have an addiction issue- it's her problem. I feel your pain hon. Believe me. But it does get softer. Never easier. But softer. Xoxo

[Mr. Lucky]

And here's the hard part, because you're probably not ready to accept it because it seems so counter-intuitive:

 

Divorce her. Sooner rather than later. Have her served without warning. Show her your serious about regaining control of your life and that you are confident that you can handle moving on without her.

 

At an absolute minimum, go No Contact with her. Be a ghost to her (you probably already are, as far as she's concerned, unless there's something she feels you might come in handy for like car repairs, etc.).

 

There probably is another man. It's not set in stone, and there are exceptions of course, but those are the odds you're dealing with.

This is especially good advice because it's also your only chance to get her back. Stuck in place as you are, it's easy for her to test new options knowing you're there as Plan B, the fall-back contingency.

 

Besides GT's point of taking control of your life, filing sends her a wake-up call. She at least is forced to consider what she might be leaving behind.

 

I'd start now and give her what she says she wants...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

Tom, I'm sorry you're here. And please understand that I'm not trying to diminish your pain when I say that your story, your exact situation, isn't all that unusual. All you have to do is root around here and sites like "Talk About Marriage" to find plenty of others.

 

First order of business is to take care of yourself. Go easy on the booze, try to eat, work out including heavy weights (get those endorphins flowing), find a DivorceCare group in your area, etc.

 

And here's the hard part, because you're probably not ready to accept it because it seems so counter-intuitive:

 

Divorce her. Sooner rather than later. Have her served without warning. Show her your serious about regaining control of your life and that you are confident that you can handle moving on without her.

 

At an absolute minimum, go No Contact with her. Be a ghost to her (you probably already are, as far as she's concerned, unless there's something she feels you might come in handy for like car repairs, etc.).

 

There probably is another man. It's not set in stone, and there are exceptions of course, but those are the odds you're dealing with.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. It will pass, and you can handle it.

 

There are a lot of situations in life that we are ALL confronted with that come in many shapes and forms. And when it comes down to choices, you left with slim to none?

 

And Slim? He just left town!

 

And it very much comes down to a "What are you going to do?"

 

A good analogy is the guy that was hiking up in the Rocky Mountains by himself alone, a boulder fell on him and he was trapped in the middle of no where, ~ in which he knew no one would ever hear him, see him or find him. His arm was pinned by the boulder. He had two choices?

 

Either lay there and die?

 

Or cut his own arm off at the elbow, put a tourniquet around it and hike the miles upon miles out on his own to find help before he bleed out.

 

Given your situation, the best thing ~ or at least the thing I would do? Is go ahead and get that part of the pain behind you, read deep down and grab yourself some intestinal fortitude, man-up, suck it up and get busy moving on and forward with you life.

 

I put this kind of harshly and bluntly ~ which is easy for me to do as I've already been what for you is a new and fresh Life experience. (Once you've gone thorugh it? You build up a certain amount of immunity to it all. You harden your heart to the whole thing)

 

In hindsight I wish I had a endless line of people to bitch slap me until I felt like the Nutty Professor or came to my senses about it all.

[redhat]

Hate to say this but your wife has probably already met someone. If she didn't share with you her fears about your marriage then it's a good bet that she had someone to "talk" with. Her friends are not going to tell you the truth, did they at any point tell you your wife was worried or fearful? No, they let you carry on in ignorance, possibly under the deluded belife that saying anything would either hurt you or it wasn't any of their business, either way they have shown no support for you on any level.

As for your wife make sure she leaves the home, you did not leave her she left you, so get her out asap. Get legal advice, find out your options. See a therapist to get the support you need. At this point your in shock but it's important you don't isolate yourself because your grieving.

Have a look at this thread, this guy has been there and has been given great advice and support:

 

I am back and it gets worse

 

The fact that your wife has instigated this whole thing says everything about her, don't judge yourself over her secrecy and decision making. Just take things one day at a time, you will survive this.

[Tom amoss]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

I feel so very very low I can’t do anything.

I can’t motivate my self at all, I can’t see the point.

But yet I want to at the same time.

When you have been with someone for so long, your life forms habits, you end up with the same life, and now I have no life at all.

I can’t even think what I want to do, I have money, time, but nothing I want out of life.

And that fact gives me such fear.

Added to the fact that I have lost my love of my life, even if she turned into a monster.

It’s the old wife I love, my old life I pine for it, but its over.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I fell so very trapped. Trapped in my loss, and trapped in that I really have no idea what or who I am anymore.

I want! Want! Want! To make a life for myself, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. And its very fearful place to be in.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Tom

[Caldespair]

Tom

I'm also 49, together 27 years and wife wanted div after argument. I also thought we had perfect marriage with two teenage kids.

Only difference is I am 4.5 months since seperation. I was exactly like you. I was a wreck to put it mildly.

Now, things have calmed down, I have a new place, and I am doing pretty good. I still don't want div, but her loss and I am moving forward. This crap happens all the time. The sooner you accept it, have her served, the better you eventually feel.

Hang in their it WILL get better.

[Tom amoss]

thanks caldespair.

What did you do to help your self. What did you do with your time.

How do you lift your self out of the black pit.

Tom

[Tom amoss]

I'm so really really low today. I cant lift my self from this dark pit.

HELP

I just want to die.

[Tom amoss]

If there was just something I could hang onto, JUST SOMETHING!

I dont expect her to come back.

But what I need is something to feel good,good about ME.

whats so panicy is I have lost my self.

 

All my friends are married, seeing them is so hard, all i want to talk about is my sad feelings, when the converstion moves to something else, I just want to go. AND I HATE that about me.

Tom

[worldgonewrong]

You were a person before you met her. You had your own interests, goals, things that made you laugh, things that piqued your curiosity.

You need to rediscover your own identity, the one that got lost or morphed when you were together.

Take it like baby steps. It's like learning how to walk all over again. Yes, divorce/separation is a death of sorts. But what comes after can be and IS a re-birth, too. The earth still spins; there's new discoveries waiting to be had by you; there's a woman out there with a winning smile & a huge heart who is eventually waiting to hold your hand loyally.

It's true.

[2.50 a gallon]

You have gotten some good advice here. Listen to their voices, we have been through it survived, and moved on to better lives, and believe it or not found love again.

 

My story, at first I was in such a dark deep hopeless pit, I truly doubted that I would ever be able to just simply laugh again, and there was no chance I could ever be happy again.

 

The first question we face is what happened? I am sorry to say the chances of you finding the answer to this question is very unlikely. She might not even know.

 

Scientifically for whatever reason her body quit producing the necessary love chemicals for her to remain with you. Whether it be a new man, a middle crisis, it does not matter, the simple fact is they are no longer flooding her brain to make her want to stay with you. And at this point in time there is little you can do to induce her body to restart producing them.

 

To be blunt because of this she has fallen out of love with you an there is little that you can do to change her mind.

Edited April 11, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

There is a process called the 180, that will help you through this. Look it up!.

 

Some people get the wrong idea that it will help them get their wandering spouse back, though it does happen, what it is, is a process to help you through this and get you back on your feet and towards rebuilding a new and better you.

 

For some they choose to get into an exercise routine, the gym, biking whatever.

 

Now that you are alone, it is time for you to be selfish, start looking around and within yourself, and deciding what is that you want out of this adventure called life. What interests do you have?

 

You no longer have to answer to her and you can do anything you would like. Buy a Harley, scuba diving the Great barrier reef, fishing trips for marlin, swordfish, searching for gold in Alaska, raising snakes, tropical fish, poison dark frogs, fill you basement with model trains, racing RC cars, racing real cars. If you can afford it, how about Rio during Carnival?

 

Do you see what I mean?

 

Were I still young as your self, and in your shoes, I would chose salsa dancing to begin with, the partners looks so sexy and hot, it would not take me long to forget what I lost and find something new and hotter.

 

When I was in your shoes, I got back into my hobbies, had put them aside for her, developed new interests, such as tropical fish, and in order to improve myself, taught myself how to cook gourmet meals. The new girlfriends love the dishes.

 

A few years later when I was about 47 I met this hot looking long legged 39 year old lady totally out of my league. I guess leaning to cook helped as we have been happily together ever since, and guess who does all the cooking

[worldgonewrong]

Tom amoss- I wanted to add something else, too:

 

The pain you're going through right now? It's real, it's tough, it's scalding to the bone/soul. I lived it, as did many here. There were days when I wondered what the point of waking up was, as every single day felt like a living HELL. I'd cry myself to sleep and then cry when I opened my eyes. Didn't matter how beautiful the weather was outside. It felt like a cancer was eating away at my brain & body, such was the emotional pain. Then I'd get to work, and I'd have to duck into the single bathroom to cry my eyes out some more. I'd be on my knees crying out to God begging for sweet relief and reconciliation. And at the risk of sounding like I'm proselytizing (I'm not), God did give me sweet relief; He heard me. It wasn't the relief I expected, mind you - which was reconciliation - but it was much sweeter than that, infinitely so:

A divorce and meeting my girlfriend whom I will eventually marry.

 

I'm digressing perhaps. But recognize that the pain you're experiencing now is TRANSIENT. It won't last. If such pain lasted, nobody would ever get on with their lives. My grandmother has been a widow for over 50 years, and guess what, there's a million photos of her laughing and being loving in all the time that's lapsed since that sad day. Life does go on. It will.

Imagine if Elie Wiesel, famous Holocaust survivor, had just simply said, "Ah, screw it" and decided to blow his brains out; the world would have lost his stories of inspiration, of fortitude. You have to 'survive' for yourself, first and foremost, and survive for the good things that WILL come to you in the future.

Can you imagine if you stayed stuck as an emotional wreck for the rest of your life, and then God/whomever decided to run you a glorious movie of what your life could have been if you had chosen to get 'un-stuck'? You'd kick yourself.

"Ah, here's the day you stayed home and cried. If you'd gotten outdoors that day, your soulmate would've been waiting at the bus stop in the rain, you could've lent her your umbrella, and then the greatest love story ever would've unfolded."

[Tom amoss]

Many Thanks to all of you for your replies

I so very much appreciate it.

I want so much to move on. I want so much to motivate my self to enjoy life.

I have the money, I have the time.

What I can’t fight is the emotion, the heartbreak, which pins me down.

180 is what we are in at the moment, but to add to the problems we run a business together.

We can run this separated, and communicate via email, but it so hard.

Just need some tools to beat the emotion and loss. Just some relief would do

Many Thanks

Tom

 

 

 

Many Thanks

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

Thanks worldgonewrong

posted last message before seeing yours

i want to live again I so do.

Not that worried about a girl right now, just to find my self would do.

Be happy in my own skin

Just need a way through the pain

 

I'm not alone with help like yours and others

 

thanks

 

Tom

[Mr. Lucky]

To simplify things, find one thing to do. During my separation and divorce, I played tennis obsessively, every night I didn't have my son. Single, doubles, even hitting against a wall - it got me out of my crappy apartment and took my mind off everything else. Plus the fatigue helps you sleep at night. I also found being around other people helped put my problems in perspective.

 

I have a friend in a similar situation right now that's putting hundreds of miles a month on his bike. He says it's the only place he can think clearly.

 

Choose one activity, get off the couch and start doing it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[buckeye]

Tom,

 

Gorilla, Gunny, 2.50 & WGW have all given sound advice. I should know. They helped me after my ex decided after 27 years she no longer wanted to be married. For my self, I bought a Harley and began writing & recording songs. I've since joined a band. There are still times of sadness of missing family, the house, possessions but it has gotten better. Good Luck Tom. Take care of yourself.

[Caldespair]

Tom

It was so terrible I actually called a suicide hot line. I was just so lost. Like others said here, we meld together with out spouse and we dont know how to function without them.

I did my share of sobbing, could not work for a month.

What worked for me was (and this may not be what will help you) is: I would get out of my hotel and have dinner at a bar, force myself to be out their and socialize with anyone that was within ear shot. Being around people is important.

The other major component was to excersise - run, bike, play tennis, golf. It makes you feel good and also helps you sleep.

At only 4.5 months since my world turned upside down, I am able to function, work, and enjoy life. Call up old friends you havent talked to.

I still have waves of despair but they dont last as long as they used to. I still have a long way to go, dealing with lawyers, real estate, alimony.

Tom, we are living proof that these intense feelings of being lost without your spouse, will mellow out in time. You just have to hang in there and post on this site.

[Tom amoss]

Hi all

 

Thank you so much for all comments.

 

Boy is so hard. This morning is a little bit better, slept better, but did take a sleeping pill.

Saw the councillor today and she told me I will never sort out what I want to do, or am, until I have given the sadness and grief to settle.

So cry cry cry she said, it will do you good. i do a lot anyway.

Small steps, and don’t talk to yourself in a harsh way, be kind to your self.

I'm going to stay at a friend’s house tonight.

I went for a run yesterday, and will go again later.

i cant stop losing weight, even though I eat, but that must be the emotions burning it all off.

Its a very lonely life i lead now, working from home alone, spending the hours alone, unless I see someone, which I try and do in the evening.

But that’s only for an hour or two, and then it’s just me.

 

So sad.

 

Thanks to you all,

 

Look forward to any reply.

 

Tom

[Gunny376]

"When you find yourself up to your azz in alligators, water mocassions, rattlesnakes, quicksand, and Inidians shooting arrows and chunking spears out you?

 

One tends to forget that your initial objective when you first started out?

 

Was to drain the damned swamp!"

 

This is temporary, and believe it or not? It will pass in the due course of time.

 

Divorce is like a Black Hole ~ in which you can find yourself getting sucked in, time comes to a halt, and in which there seems no way to escape.

 

But un-like a Black Hole you can escape and come to the otherside of divorce.

 

How long you choose to remain there is entirely up to you. To often in life we find ourselves bound chains all the while never understanding that we hold the keys to set oursleves free!

If your willing to take the time and do the hard work? You can and will find yourself a much better, and stronger person for the experience.

And with that? One day you will find another that appreciates the very thing that the XHEX loathed about you.

 

You will find a "Healin Fire"