24 years marriage - ended

[Bluesandy]

To get angry is a natural phase... but you should try not to stop NC.. I have noticed that since I have done NC from the very beginning, she tried some strategies to see me... Cause I know it is too fresh for her to have moved on in any point, I prefer not to see her... And I know She is a bit destabilised, bacause the one who leave is always comfortable to know that you are crushed and if she cannot fint a better position, she always can get back to you.. without any concession... which is bad cause it is root for her to leave again when she will meet a better solution in the future (like a guy). No, the real gain you can get is to cut the grass under her feet, for her to know you have moved on for ever without her... cause it will only start her unconscious mourning and to realize what she has left forever... so if you want to have a chance to get her back, do NC all the way.. each time you contact her you are loosing points... And it will give you a chance to really move on your self and to find hapiness elsewhere also.. So you will be the real winner at the end of the day..

Courage Tom, you are better than you think and closer of the solution than you have ever been....

[Tom amoss]

Thanks Bluesandy

 

And to all who post.

 

Your word and comments are, and have been just what I need at the right time.

 

Still ploughing through it but I hope one day soon I will find my way out.

 

“I will not let her rob me of my life”

 

Tom

[dumped2013]

Just takes time. I have been doing NC with the ex. She still has stuff she needs to get at the house. (She moved 2 weeks ago). She texted today wanting to know if she can drop off some storage containers tomorrow afternoon. We have not talked in 2 weeks. I told her that would not be good because I need to meet Direct TV there tomorrow PM. She said would morning be ok? I told her that would be fine but to just leave the containers in the garage. There was a delay then she sent a text and said, why the garage? do you already have another Chick living there. I did not answer her. Long story short, if you stick with NC it puts the shoe on the other foot. By the way I'm the dumpee.

[Tom amoss]

Oh my God, this pain.

 

Why is this soooooo painful.

 

I really thought after 7.5 months I would start to feel a bit better, it's worse than ever.

 

They say you go into shock because you can’t stand it all at once, and slowly your mind comes out of shock.....

 

7.5 months in shock and now all this...

 

Please someone tell me this is now the worst it gets, and from now on, its gets better.

[Tom amoss]

Another thing that’s starting to worry me, is that my post has a large amount of post and views

 

Which makes me think most people "move on" a lot quicker…..

 

That worries me a lot, because thats not my experience.

[dumped2013]

Dude, It's different for everyone. The only reason I am halfway ok is that after a broken engagement 20 years ago it killed me. I did not get involved with any women for 2 years. Just dated casually but I learned to be by myself and like it. You know what my plans are for tonight? Going home, doing laundry, and sitting in the garage listening to music. All by myself. Then I will move it inside and hang out with my cat and watch a movie. Dude, you have to learn how to be happy by yourself. It will change your life then you can move on. I was married to my ex for 16 years

[Shocked Suzie]

Oh my God, this pain.

 

Why is this soooooo painful.

 

I really thought after 7.5 months I would start to feel a bit better, it's worse than ever.

 

They say you go into shock because you can’t stand it all at once, and slowly your mind comes out of shock.....

 

7.5 months in shock and now all this...

 

Please someone tell me this is now the worst it gets, and from now on, its gets better.

 

 

It does get better...but it's so huge that you have to roll with the punches of this roller coaster ride. I look at where I am now...my mindset has shifted so much... From those dark days of loss of love and future dreams, to another stage of this grieving process... I will be honest 'as you saw from my last post' I'm now dealing with inner rejection self issues/self doubt, it's all part of this crap process that we all deal with at different stages and timeframes.... Try not to be so hard on yourself ... Some people just stop posting doesn't mean to say they've moved on, I know I haven't.

 

We just have to be patient and take each new turn as it comes...even if like I feel atm like it's a huge set back, I've just decided to stop fighting it and face it for now and have at the back of my mind I will pull myself out when I've had enough

 

SS x

 

Lol if that makes sense

[dumped2013]

Hey Tom,

How is it going? Have not seen you on here in a while.

[firststeps]

Hi Tom,

 

l truly feel for your pain, l was with my STBXH for 20 years, married for 14 years. l met him when l was 17 years old. l caught on to an affair and he walked out, leaving me broken.

 

The best way l can describle the pain is that it feels like he died but he is still alive. The old him is gone replaced by someone that is cold, heartless and l cannot recognize him anymore.

 

lts been 3 months for me now, and the first month was the worst hell that l have ever been through physically and emotionally.

 

What helps me:

 

Seeing a counsellor, talking to friends, joined a divorcecare group through a church, and coming on to this site often for support and knowing lm not alone.

 

lm on this site endless amount of hours, it is my therapy and helps me see lm not alone. l cannot thank the people enough, that take time out to reply and help give us strength.

 

Give yourself permission to feel how you feel, and its going to be a struggle, minute by minute, and hour by hour.

 

it's so hard just to get out bed, but take small steps, and don't isolate yourself, turn to loved ones, family, and friends. Don't feel like you don't want to trouble them with your problems as l know they will want to be there for you.

 

Its so hard when we don't have control about what has happened, completely not* expecting it, and left to pick ourselves up when someone we would have done anything for has no problem walking out the door.

 

l begged, pleaded, and let him see how vulnerable l was at my lowest and none of that worked and put me in a worst depression.

 

l never thought l would feel stronger but l started to do just "one" thing that made me feel better, then when l was ready l added another and another.

 

Please keep us updated and do one thing to take care of "you" because if you don't know one else will.

 

Take it day by day and remind yourself that your worth it.

[WreckedDan]

Tom!

 

Hey brother, it does get better... healing happens at your own pace. Don't panic because you haven't made some huge leap. Take time for you. Do something for yourself that you couldn't or wouldn't have done before... something outrageous if need be. Enjoy something out of the ordinary, then in that moment ask yourself "what kept me from doing this before?" From what I've seen, every relationship has had cracks... delve into those memories for a bit.. they are there, and they will help you let go. It's way normal to miss what we once had, don't be hard on yourself for having emotion.

I had a Redline BMX bike when I was a kid, paid for it myself. First time I ever paid for anything bigger than a candybar bet yer butt I loved that bike. Got stolen... super bummed. Couple years later got a sweet 10 speed, started racing around on that, had a blast... someone bent the frame around a bike rack when I was at school... super bummed. Now, I drive a tuck... things get better. (Lame analogy I know, but lots of stuff in life goes that way)

 

Sun's conning up soon,

Dan

[Tom amoss]

Hi all.

 

Well its 9 months tomorrow.

 

I am glad that the really dark desperate days seem to havepast.

 

And for the most part she doesn’t fill my every wakingthought.

 

At some point about a month ago, it dawned on me that no oneis going to follow me down that pit of despair. If I stayed their I was on myown.

 

I also read a fantastic book called “The Power Of The Now”

 

It transformed my thinking, my not be everyone’s thing, butit has helped me very much.

 

OK I still have some pretty dark moments, but they don’t lastas long as they did, and I am starting to feel that I will be OK. I am OK

 

I have learned that it’s OK to feel. Learn to accept it, andnot fight it. And that I am not my mind.

 

There is a lot still to do, the house sale for one and a divorce,no doubt in the new year she will be insisting on that.

 

My test to my self is if she came knocking on my door, wouldI let her back into my life.

 

The answer to that is still yes, but I have stopped thebegging emails and texts. Haven’t done that since mid October.

 

I mentioned before that I work from home, but starting inthe new year I have got a job as a Part time postman. Quite different fromcomputer programming, but I took it because for the therapy of getting out. SoI hope that it will help, it’s only for 3 months.

 

My aim at the moment is to get use to spending time just bymy self.

 

It’s not easy, I drink way too much, but one thing at atime.

 

If your reading this, and your going through utter hell,know that it will pass. It does geteasier.

 

And you must know that your mind TELLS LIES. If you’rethinking every worst thing, and that even death is your only way out, know thatits only the pain you want out of.

 

In my darkest moments I had to keep telling my self this.

 

Thanks to all who having helped me on this journey. And whata journey it is.

 

I tell you what, your certainly know your alive when yourcrawling out of despair. I have never, in my 48 years, have looked at my selfin such depth. Talk about self discovery!

 

 

 

Tom

[dumped2013]

You will be fine Tom!

[ShannonBanana]

Good for you, Tom! Sounds like you are getting closer to that light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Seems like it's been one heck-of-a journey for you.

 

I am getting there too, but reading your recent post gives me hope for what things will be like in 4 months from now when it's been 9 months for me.

 

Cheers!

[Bluesandy]

Tom, glad to see things are getting better... too bad for the alcohol, but as you said, one thing at a time lol Great you stopped the begging emails, it was just getting you backwards... I know you will have some hard times like I still do have sometimes (for me it is 9 months and 10 days ;-)), but at least, you will get better and better... yes, so glad to see you are better now... Next step ? stopping alcohol, taking care about you and finding a nice new girl as I did (I know, looks still weird, but the time will come, you deserve it and the stress you just passed through made you stronger and better..) ;-)

[familygone]

Hi

5 weeks ago my wife left me. Its permanent, no way to fix it.

But I am so not coping with this.

I’m a complete emotional wreck.

24 year of my life completely down the drain.

How on earth do you cope with this pain.

Please some one help!

Many thanks

Tom

 

Same here,mine cheated on me .Then basicly blames me.

16 years of my life wasted too.I said.

I went through this when it started, now time passes it is slowly getting better.

It would be better if we never had a girl together,then i wouldnt have to see her every so often.

My 7 year old has more brains then the blank blank ever a

Edited December 5, 2013 by familygone

[Tom amoss]

Hi.

 

Today I stop the drinking.

 

I took all the wine and beer back to the shop this morning,and got a refund.

 

And tonight I am going out.

 

I really cannot start a new life while I drink.

 

Off to Canada in a week’s time to visit my sister for Christmas.

 

And sent an email to my solicitor about sorting the finances out and maybe a divorce.

 

Its time to take this bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground!

 

Tom

[dumped2013]

Good for you Tom,

You and your sister have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Here's hoping all of us have a great 2014.

[Shocked Suzie]

Well done Tom!! You are doing just great.... And the good thing is it just gets better. Getting comfortable/used to yourself through alone time is a healthy tool in the repair stage I think, it has helped me feel much more grounded.

 

Still have the odd low points, but now use them by drawing positives from them by getting to understand myself more and being able to control them by pulling myself out of them when enough is enough

 

 

Have a good Xmas Tom

 

SS x

[Tom amoss]

Hi

Two night without a drink.

What I have noticed is how much I used the thought of drinking in the evening as a reward for getting through the day.

Getting through the lows.

That reward is now removed, and it not easy.

I have to keep reminding my self that my life has real potenial now.

Off out tonight for a talk on A Course in Miracles - A 20 Year Spiritual Journey

Never been to anything like that, but why not.

 

Tom

[ShannonBanana]

A Course in Miracles changed my life! It put the Bible into psychological terms rather than religious. I'm not religious at all but it added a layer of depth to my spirituality.

 

I hope you enjoy it.

[Tom amoss]

Hi

 

10 months now, and got through xmas just.

 

Finding the days after xmas worse, I think I put so much into keeping my self together, I just have no energy left and have hit rock bottom .

 

It’s very hard to keep positive when the sadness and hurtruns so deep.

 

I can keep a lid on it for so long, but in the end it all comes gushing out.

 

I get so depressed, yesterday I succumbed to a diazepam tablet,haven’t had one of those in months.

 

It’s hard living a life that you don’t want to live.

 

Is hard living where the future seems more of the same, and I can see no end in sight.

 

24 years of past memories that I cannot access without pain,a present that is meaningless, and a future of more pain and house sale and divorce.

 

Where is the hope in all that?

 

In my better days I try and wrap up this god awful mess, and tell my self I will be OK, but I hurt to much. I can never seem to lose the utter sadness of it all.

 

Tom

[skydiveaddict]

In my better days I try and wrap up this god awful mess, and tell my self I will be OK, but I hurt to much. I can never seem to lose the utter sadness of it all.

 

Tom

 

Dude we need to get you skydiving

[oldshirt]

Dude we need to get you skydiving

 

 

 

Someone who is making statements like, "it's hard living a life you don't want to live," and "...I see no end in sight," and "... a meaningless present and future pain..."

 

 

Needs competent, professional intervention and therapy before they go jumping out of airplanes.

[oldshirt]

Hi

 

10 months now, and got through xmas just.

 

Finding the days after xmas worse, I think I put so much into keeping my self together, I just have no energy left and have hit rock bottom .

 

It’s very hard to keep positive when the sadness and hurtruns so deep.

 

I can keep a lid on it for so long, but in the end it all comes gushing out.

 

I get so depressed, yesterday I succumbed to a diazepam tablet,haven’t had one of those in months.

 

It’s hard living a life that you don’t want to live.

 

Is hard living where the future seems more of the same, and I can see no end in sight.

 

24 years of past memories that I cannot access without pain,a present that is meaningless, and a future of more pain and house sale and divorce.

 

Where is the hope in all that?

 

In my better days I try and wrap up this god awful mess, and tell my self I will be OK, but I hurt to much. I can never seem to lose the utter sadness of it all.

 

Tom

 

 

 

Tom,

 

 

If you are not already in therapy, you need to get yourself there ASAP. You have been through a lot and it's not over yet.

 

 

You have been hurt and your life as you new it has been changed. If you broke your arm, you would go to a Dr and get it treated and undergo therapy to get it back to a healthy and functional state again.

 

 

The same is true for your psyche. You have been injured and damaged and you need skilled professional treatment and therapy to get you back to a healthy and functional state again.

 

 

You have been through more than what strangers on a website can offer. You need to see someone that can provide valid, nuts and bolts treatment to get back to strength.

[Bluesandy]

I agree.. Ten months is very long, and in your case it is not normal to be so depressed. I am in the same situation than yours, got separated from my lovely wife of 23 years, we got 3 daughters and she left for her boss who beat her badly after 4 monts, and then got another lover.. I kept my daughters with me though, but just got separated of the lovely girl I found after 1 month of separation, so got alone again now... I have still my bad days (christmas was a bad time also), but globally, I am passing through the hardest time and much better in my head...Before to meet my previous GF, so one month after the separation, I went to a psy for some weeks.. That helps me a lot, but must admit the girl I went with after one month of separation helped me much better for the previous 9 months that any psy lol So I will advice you whether a psy (best solution), or starting to look around to find a new GF... Courage Tom, there are always better times in front of you, I garantee you...

Edited January 7, 2014 by Bluesandy