24 years marriage - ended

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

and you know why, its because I have this total unrealistic notion that she will come back.

 

I hate having that, it keeps me stuck in the past, yet I can't shake it.

 

My heart convinces me it could happen and I’m stupid enough to believe it.

 

yet I write this, now how is that possible!!!!!!

 

It doesn't make sense, its like there is three of me.

 

Hey Tom,

 

I'm 5 weeks in now and I find myself doing this all the time. I keep conjuring this same movie in my head of my wife showing up unexpectedly somewhere - different locations but always the same script - she wants to tell me she's been thinking about me... she wants to try and "work it out".

 

I spend pointless minutes writing out my lines in my head; dialogue I know I will never get to give. And in every script the ending is the same - "I can't take you back".

 

I hate it too.

[Tom amoss]

Hello All

 

How do you deal with the loneliness?

 

That feeling has been building up this week, and this morning I can hardly bear it.

 

I can taste it: is so bad…

 

I go out to see friends, but it’s not the same, I can feel lonely eventhere, which is madness.

 

I miss a cuddle, I miss cuddling her, I miss the company.

 

Ahhhhhh sucks doesn’t it?

 

 

 

Tom

[Bluesandy]

Hello All

 

How do you deal with the loneliness?

 

That feeling has been building up this week, and this morning I can hardly bear it.

 

I can taste it: is so bad…

 

I go out to see friends, but it’s not the same, I can feel lonely eventhere, which is madness.

 

I miss a cuddle, I miss cuddling her, I miss the company.

 

Ahhhhhh sucks doesn’t it?

 

 

 

Tom

How I deal with the loneliness ? I don't...

Pleaase.. Try as hard as you can to meet up with people, to date some girls etc... Don't stay alone.. But the real key is to find a girl you can stay with and who could give you the affection and cuddle you need badly... At first, it will be hard, cause you will have to much flash of your ex,but you gonna see, if she can understand your pain, within a few week you'll be in better shape. I know sex is the last of your thoughts now... She will understand if she likes you...

Courage Tom.

Note : Today is already 2 months I am with my new girlfriend (3 months since my split), and I feel like I met her 6 months ago. I have made so much progress... Not perfect, still only 80% in my head, and some difficulties in my sex life (which is normal you have to reset your system after 23 years), but she is so patient and she gives me so much in the affection department... Glad I met her, if not, I know I would be like you now....

[Tom amoss]

Hi

Ok I called her last night, why I don’t know, just did.

 

I said it’s been 3 months now, and was wondering where we are in it all.

 

She admitted it would be good to talk, so I suggested a walk at the weekend.

 

I got a lot about how stressed she was with work, and other stuff, but saidshe would think about it as she wasn't in a right frame of mind to think.

 

So anyway that was that, today I emailed to say how about Monday for a walkand talk.

 

So if, and it is a big IF she accepts this walk, I really don’t want to playthe victim, or beg for her return.

So what approach should I take?

 

I'm very sure she is not about to come back, if she was, it would be hercalling me, but the last thing I want to do is make things worse.

 

So any ideas

 

Thanks

Tom

[worldgonewrong]

1. You initiated this walk. So you've immediately set yourself up, in her eyes, as 'the desperate one'. Which puts you at a disadvantage from the get-go.

 

2. What do you anticipate coming from this meet-up? Are you prepared for more pain? Because that will probably be the outcome.

[Tom amoss]

Ahhhhhhhhh

 

I am not to sure what to expect, but the one thing I do know is it will not be positive for me.

I just want to know what she is thinking about the last 3 months, and if we are heading for the D word.

Does she need more time...... you know I haven't a glue what to ask, just want her to talk.

 

This has put me back a few weeks doing this, and the expected meet up on Monday is going to effect my weekend a lot.

 

Still, stupid as I am, I still need advice on how to approach it.

 

Thanks

 

Tom

[Tom amoss]

Some how I need to get her back.

what ever the cost to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want to know what she is thinking about the last 3 months, and if we are heading for the D word.

If you haven't had any productive communication with her and, in 3 months, she hasn't made a single move towards reconciliation, then you know loud and clear what she's thinking. Prepare accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WreckedDan]

#1 Go to the store, but a brand new set of cleaning supplies, spend Sunday cleaning every inch of your home... walls, floors , ceiling, kitchen, room, laundry, windows... work your ass off!

 

#2 You've made plans, don't back out of them. If you are worried about being sober than this is lijely a bad call, but if you are in control then have a single drink about 15 minutes before you meet, during those 15 minutes go over the details of what you want to talk about... I suggeat making it about work, kids and nothing more. Look at this as a chance to let her see you are okay right now (even though you are not) do not let her see weakness. If the relationship comes up let her bring it up and just listen, make the least amout of comments ypu can, do not allow yourself to argue about anything. Take a deep breath before you respond to anything at all even the easy stuff.. tgis will let you compose your thoughts each time rather than reacting to something you hear.

 

Better at advising than living my own life,

Dan

[Tom amoss]

Hi Dan.

 

Thanks, thats what I needed to hear. I like that approach.

If the weather holds we are going for a walk, so I may not have to clean the house!

 

Thanks very much

 

Tom

[2sunny]

It's difficult to understand why you are handing her ALL YOUR POWER!

 

She hasn't asked to see you, she also didn't agree when you asked - and now she left you hanging about where she will or won't go for a walk.

 

If she intended to try and work it out - she would be begging to see you - but she's not.

 

I'd suggest telling her you now have plans and can't possibly make it.

 

You're making yourself look desperate - and that's never attractive to any woman.

 

Go out on a date. Go away for a few days - somewhere NEW, exciting and fun! Get out and start living!

[Tom amoss]

Well total failier or what

I texted her and said unless she has anything she wants to say face to face meeting canceled. And no reply

 

So did that make me feel any better...... NO becase I am again faced with this crap life that I find my self in.

 

I'm so low now, I feel like I'm back 2 months or more.

This life sucks, I fill it with what seems like usless meaningless things

 

Just had the sister give me a tough talking too about being thanks full for what I do have, but you know, there isn't a dam thing to be thankful for, Not a dam thing.

Whats this sounds like is I lived my whole life through one person, MY WIFE.

And now she has left whats life for at all.

 

Well i'm very low, so low. I cant stop crying, Oh boy this is not good.

 

Tom

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Tom,

 

I'm in nearly the same situation as you on about the same timeline. I have been handling NC much better and it has help tremendously. Is it hard - absolutely, but not nearly as hard as it is when I see her or have to interact with her. Here is a rule I adopted early that has proven very help - never send her a message that you need to *wait* for a replay to. Turn questions into statements. For instance, if I want to know if she is picking up the kids I don't text "are you picking up the boys at 3?" I text instead "If I don't hear otherwise, I am assuming you are picking up the boys at 3". That way, I don't need to *wait* for a reply. It seems small but I have found that waiting to get a response from her makes me way to anxious. Like I've given her a little bit more power over my emotions.

 

And on the "life sucks" note, I have a dear friend who is dealing with stage 4 lung cancer - never smoked, had two small children and a job he loves. Whenever I fall into the "life sucks" trap I think of him - he would trade placed with me in a New York minute.

Edited May 25, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[aMguilts]

Hi

Ok I called her last night, why I don’t know, just did.

 

I said it’s been 3 months now, and was wondering where we are in it all.

 

She admitted it would be good to talk, so I suggested a walk at the weekend.

 

I got a lot about how stressed she was with work, and other stuff, but saidshe would think about it as she wasn't in a right frame of mind to think.

 

So anyway that was that, today I emailed to say how about Monday for a walkand talk.

 

So if, and it is a big IF she accepts this walk, I really don’t want to playthe victim, or beg for her return.

So what approach should I take?

 

I'm very sure she is not about to come back, if she was, it would be hercalling me, but the last thing I want to do is make things worse.

 

So any ideas

 

Thanks

Tom

 

hey tom

 

yes i have ideas for you

you say you dont know why you called her?

 

yes you do

you wanted to find out if she`d missed you and had a change of heart??

 

you didn`t want to play the victim or beg for her return?

 

sorry, but that already happened the moment you called her and asked her to talk and go for a walk

 

I`m glad for you that it hasn`t happened. because all it would of done was her resolve stronger that she`s doing the right thing because i KNOW that you would of not heard the words that you wanted to hear...i.e....she wants to `give it another go`

How do i know this? because IF she did, she`d be calling YOU and asking you to go for a walk to `talk`

 

as harsh as i may seem, it`s for your own benefit in the long run, listen......

 

if she wanted to be with you....she`d be with you RIGHT now

 

next post you say....

Some how I need to get her back.

what ever the cost to me.

 

For you to have ANY chance of getting her back, youve GOT to do the COMPLETE opposite of what you are doing now!!!

clearly sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn`t working is it??

 

GET up, get out and have some fun!!

be the man again you were when you 1st met her the one she fell in love with

i bet it was the complete opposite to the man you are now eh??

 

hugs

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Tom,

 

I'm in nearly the same situation as you on about the same timeline. I have been handling NC much better and it has help tremendously. Is it hard - absolutely, but not nearly as hard as it is when I see her or have to interact with her. Here is a rule I adopted early that has proven very help - never send her a message that you need to *wait* for a replay to. Turn questions into statements. For instance, if I want to know if she is picking up the kids I don't text "are you picking up the boys at 3?" I text instead "If I don't hear otherwise, I am assuming you are picking up the boys at 3". That way, I don't need to *wait* for a reply. It seems small but I have found that waiting to get a response from her makes me way to anxious. Like I've given her a little bit more power over my emotions.

 

And on the "life sucks" note, I have a dear friend who is dealing with stage 4 lung cancer - never smoked, had two small children and a job he loves. Whenever I fall into the "life sucks" trap I think of him - he would trade placed with me in a New York minute.

 

hey life

you seem to be doing ok??

 

in bold

this is good. i dont mean that it`s good your friend has cancer!. but it`s a good way to look on the problems you are going through.( well most of us on here)

no matter how bad you think your life is, there`s ALAWYS someone thats is going through a lot more

 

 

aM

[Tom amoss]

Well what a waste of time and emotions this weekend has been.

 

I really thought our talk would come off, that went from a face to face talk to a call, and that didn't happen.

 

Have I learned a lesson here, yes, will I make the same mistake again, yes.

 

I can’t let go, I think she will change her mind, just needs time.

 

But I also know this is also not possible, so I’m in total limbo.

 

I really would like to go out and enjoy my self, if I really thought what the hell I could do.

 

I don’t drink at the moment; if I did I wouldn't stop.

 

So I end up visiting friends houses, and to be honest I only looking for sympathy, and I don’t want to get addicted to that either.

 

So wish someone other than my self could take me out of my self if that makes sense.

 

Yes low today, but I accept that given all that’s NOT happened.

 

Tom

[BlindSided_2013]

Hang in there Tom,

Same tragedy has befallen me. Wife of 13 years (together 18 years) told me on at the beginning of March of this year that she was leaving because "she wanted a different life".

 

Needless to say, this brought my world crashing down. I have been (and am still going through) the whole gamut of emotions from shock, disbelief, despair, self-doubt, hopelessness, confusion, etc. although the intensity does seem to be reducing.

 

Have written her, txted her, met with her and the best I have got by way of reason is, to quote her "Its not about you, its about me, I know this is the right thing for me at this time of my life". Have asked if there's another man, but she assures me (and i tend to believe her) she has not. She's been living with her parents since leaving and they seem to be of the view that "oh well, these things happen, you'll get over it".

 

Today, she came and finally removed all her things from what was our home. Its real sad (to say the least), but I think I am finally coming to accept that she has gone. I think such acceptance (and subsequent letting go), although painful, is very important.

 

I feel for you Tom, these last 14 weeks have been the darkest of my 48 yrs on this planet. I do instinctively know that love and forgiveness is the only way for me to move forward (not to say that I'm not really f**king pissed off that the woman I loved, trusted and built my life around could betray me in such a cold and callous manner) . Bitterness and hate are never a good look. I know my life will go on (there is no alternative). She may have broken my heart but I refuse to let her break my spirit.

 

As my dear mum told me a few days after my shattering "you can't force someone to love you", "better she did it when you're 48 and not 58" and "we'll all be judged by a higher power one day".

 

Stay strong and look after yourself.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Blindsided, yours and my stories are nearly identical.

 

Knowing that we're not alone is one of the great benefits of a forum like this. I look forward to following your progress and seeing how closely it mirrors mine.

[Tom amoss]

Blindsided

 

Oh god, why do they do that. Well your in good company, the pain you feel , we both feel, is so great, you wonder where all that comes from.

 

But then love is strong, and we get the whole rejection thing in one big hit, where as they have been thinking about it for a long time.

 

And to think you were having loving moments, and in their head they were thinking I want out of this.

 

All the lies, all the deceit, the pretence, it’s drives me mad with despair.

 

I know letting go is where I need to get too. If I don’t I will be in this black hole for a very long time.

 

Acceptance will come. But I’m not there yet.

 

For me it’s just accepting that I feel crap about the whole thing, and to try and think good thoughts and not let my brain mull over all the facts and hopes and all the negative stuff.

 

My head is like a washing machine overloaded with thoughts that go round and round. This I must stop.

 

It’s a minute by minute conscious decision. And I can do it about 50% of the time, for me it’s the only way to get any relief. But its hardwork, and if I don’t sleep well, then it will be a bad day.

 

I go see as many people who I can, who will listen. I don’t really want them to make a comment, because there are no answers or magic pill for any of this. Just time.

 

Time I hated, but I have recently accepted that it’s my only friend now. As I just said, I feel bad,sad gutted,panic, terror, cry a lot,etc and for the most part can do nothing about it,so I just accept it.

 

I have stopped trying to fight it. Just let it be there like an old friend, and then see what else I can do with my life.

 

Sometimes I even pretend to be happy, I will see a friend and will put on a happy face, it’s a big big effort, but it works. I feel good for doing it. They still know I’m in pain, their not stupid. But even pretending to be happy effects you in a positive way. I don’t know why, and it’s really not easy.

 

You also have to be careful that you don’t get addicted to sympathy. What I have asked my family to do, is to ignore me when I am low, and vent, and cry, but when I am happy they tell me how happy they are, "your doing really well Tom", "keep it up."

 

So they switch their sympathy to positive comments, but only when I put on a happy face.

 

Again they know how I feel.

 

I also know if I could do more with my time, find something to do, it would help a lot. But finding things I want to do is very hard. I have taken her leaving very badly, even the things I liked to do before has no meaning at all. It’s like my whole life is on hold. This I am working on.

 

Well that’s where I am. Not too sure if any of that help,you may well be further on than me, but we all take our own paths through this,and we will all be different.

 

Take care, I’m glad you posted.

 

Tom

Edited May 28, 2013 by Tom amoss

[Tom amoss]

Ok, the reason we didn’t have talk was because all I want to talk about is fixing it.

She wants to talk about where it all went wrong, says I’m to single minded.

 

I cant see her motivation as to why she would want to do this!

 

Can anyone see any point in just talking where it went wrong, for me to do this, costs me in emotions and time I have spent getting over all this.

 

If her stance is “still doesn’t want to be married” , “permanently over” really what’s the point.

 

If she said, "look Tom I think there may be a chance, but I really need us to see where things went wrong so we don’t repeat them", HAY that’s different

 

What you think

 

Tom

[GorillaTheater]

I think you've ceded all control over the relationship to your wife, and you should take at least some control back. That will certainly involve doing a serious 180, and may include filing for divorce if for no other reason than to pull yourself out of a largely self-imposed limbo.

 

I don't want to come off as an internet hardass, but you need to spend more time acting than ruminating. You're just hurting yourself as it stands, brother.

[ReelAhdvice]

Baby steps/one step at a time.

 

Make sure that you cover your bases:

 

• Legal (talk to a lawyer about the best way in terms of divorce/separation)
  
• Job (take some time off if you can, to regroup)
  
• Finances, especially if you were a double income household)
  
• Living situation (basic routines, e.g., cooking, cleaning and shopping)
  
• Children (if you have any)
  
• Physical wellbeing (find healthy ways to make yourself go to sleep, eat nutritious meals, start exercising regularly - even a half hour walk a day is better than nothing, maintain your physical appearance and hygiene)
  
• Mental and emotional wellbeing (continue seeing your counsellor, read other stories on here and give advice/commiserate where you can, write three things you are grateful for in a gratitude journal - even if you can only write something like, "the sun was shining today")
  
• Social (when you feel up to it, join a Meetup group so that you have an excuse to get out of the house)
  

Divorce Busters and Surviving Infidelity might be sites that are worth looking at.

 

I agree. Also, just move on. She is out there getting her brains banged out and your are teetering on crying because of emotional pain? F her. Move on. Close the chapter on 24 years, and start a new story book.

[Bluesandy]

Ok, the reason we didn’t have talk was because all I want to talk about is fixing it.

She wants to talk about where it all went wrong, says I’m to single minded.

 

I cant see her motivation as to why she would want to do this!

 

Can anyone see any point in just talking where it went wrong, for me to do this, costs me in emotions and time I have spent getting over all this.

 

If her stance is “still doesn’t want to be married” , “permanently over” really what’s the point.

 

If she said, "look Tom I think there may be a chance, but I really need us to see where things went wrong so we don’t repeat them", HAY that’s different

 

What you think

 

Tom

 

Be careful, Tom, when my wife left, she told me simiilar stuffs.. She wasn't happpy enough, she wanted to think about our relationship, she need some times ans space, she was seeing me as a good friend but not as a lover anymore (even if we were making love till the last week), may be she would regret that one day if I find someone else, bla bla bla....

 

I found out one month later (after having investigating a lot because they were very secret) she was with her boss till the beginning, and was developping that growing love for months before... Bang........

 

So be careful... even if you don't see anything, he might be the case... It is very rare that a spouse go away from a long pretty satisfying relationship for nothing...

 

If you were an abuser or AA or drug abuser, lyer, etc.. ok, she might have some good reasons to fly away by herself.. not if you had a pretty good relation as I was involved..

[Tom amoss]

Thanks, but I hope not. But i guess the truth will show its self one day.

 

My feelings now are I am just going to wait and see. Do nothing.

If I contact her, i will just get hurt. So leave it well alone. Get on with life, and live through the pain.

 

cheers all, have a good weekend

 

Tom

[Lost in NYC]

Hi Tom,

 

I am new to this site but have been suffering a very similar story since October. I posted details of it in a long posting if you are interested.

 

I understand the kind of pain you feel and have joined this website today because I am only getting worse.

 

The sadness and despair I feel has gotten a full grip on me and I feel overwhelmed. I typically am a tenecious person who had a repuatiion for not knowing when to give up and letting go of my marriage has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It is not working.

 

Stories like yours and others give me confidence and courage that

1) I am not alone.

2) Better days are ahead.

 

Ken