Author Tom amoss Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Steen719, Misadventure, beenkilled Many thanks for your messages, I have read them more than once. Its not that I don’t want to move on, I soooooo what to. To feel peace of mind would be bliss. But my mind just has a mind of it own, and just plays out the scene of the split, and scenes of past 25 years. It hurts. You are right, compare what is out there now, to what I thought I had……. Well there is nothing now. It’s just a brickwall of silence, and indifference. She just doesn’t care at all. She is the most unlovable person I know. But that doesn’t seem to figure in my heartat all. And the DREAMS Some dream are so vivid, i wake up calling her. It then lasts all day, in my mind. God I hate the way this is affecting me. Tom Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Hi Tom, I know how tough this is. I havent been married as long as you but pain is the same. I have my tough days, i have my good days. I do a lot of praying. It makes me feel better. They say it takes one year for every four years of marriage so, it wil take a little while. Yesterday, i was working in my yard and started getting that lonely los feeling. I dropped everything, jumped in my truck and drove off. I spent most of the day visiting my mother. My parents are getting their house ready for sale. Im happy about that but sad because my wife and i got married in the backyard. Its a beauiful view ove looking san antonio. So there are times its hard for me to even visit my parents and that stinks. I just try to stay busy but doing that is still hard. I feel a little more motivated today.. Notice i said, a little. Things are turning and they will for you too. Have you thought about volunteer work? Get involved with something that puts you around people. I wish i had more for you. Just try to be positive ad know that everything will be ok.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Courage Tom, time will erase most of the pain... the bad news is that after being so long with someone, it should take an average of 3 years to take off every piece of her of your system. As I mentionned to you several times, you got the choice to stay alone, and try to mourn your pain, or to meet another girl. You know that the step I have followed, one month after my 23rd old relationship and heartbreaker split, I know, it is not as easy, especially in the beginning, but if you choose somone who has been in your own shoes, she will be supportive and will help you in the difficult times.. Today, it is 7 months and 2 days we have splitled, and also 6 months exactly I have met that new girl... We have had a lot of hard time becsuse of me , but she has been supportive to me all the way... I still have my hard time when alone, or when I incidentally meet her somewhere.. Flash back to what I have lost. But we have no choice than to move on... Actually, I know my ex spouse have some hard time since she has splitted herself tofrom the guy she went away from me 7 months ago... but I have to do NC, that the only chance I got that may be a day she will realize that she missed the family and me.. By the way, my girls choose me, so I kept the house, the girls and I got a mate, since she is alone, living in a rented flat, seiing the girls barely.. In a way, I am winning the separation, if you can call it winning since my heart is as broken as yours... Good luck Tom, but please, try to work out, to make a new man from you, try to dissimulate your pain and try to meet new girls, even if in your deepest soul, you don't want it..... It is the best therapy I have known..... But as you it will take me 3 years to clear my system as well, even with the help of my new mate... Courage Tom and hang on... Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Steen719, Misadventure, beenkilled Many thanks for your messages, I have read them more than once. Its not that I don’t want to move on, I soooooo what to. To feel peace of mind would be bliss. But my mind just has a mind of it own, and just plays out the scene of the split, and scenes of past 25 years. It hurts. You are right, compare what is out there now, to what I thought I had……. Well there is nothing now. It’s just a brickwall of silence, and indifference. She just doesn’t care at all. She is the most unlovable person I know. But that doesn’t seem to figure in my heartat all. And the DREAMS Some dream are so vivid, i wake up calling her. It then lasts all day, in my mind. God I hate the way this is affecting me. Tom Trust me, we know. But you can't stay in this emotional state... force yourself to get up, go for a walk.. go to the park..put a rubber band on your wrist and when you start getting in this state.. SNAP IT. Then force your mind to do something else.... repetition repetition repetition!!!!!! Rinse repeat!!!! You are retraining your mind how to think and your emotions will catch up. IT IS HARD... but you need to look at yourself in the mirror... say I DESERVE TO GET OUT OF THIS AND TRY AND BE HAPPY. Say it everyday at least twice. You have to make a decision to get out of this funk... it doesn't just happen... it sucks, trust me, there are days where I want to curl up and cry. And I will allow myself sometimes... but limited time and then I use that rubber band and go do something else... this person is not worthy of all day tears. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted September 25, 2013 Author Share Posted September 25, 2013 Misadventure, rubber band in place and flicking it a lot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 I so wish there was a way of controlling your thoughts, I spend vast amounts of time on my PC for work at home. Its not the best place to be when trying so very hard not to think about her, and my future. I dont know which is worse. "When you get just a complete sense of blackness or void ahead of you, that somehow the future looks an impossible place to be, and the direction you are going seems to have no purpose, there is this word despair which is a very awful thing to feel." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 Been to see my doctor, and I have been put on mirtazapine antidepressant Anyone been on these? Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 I have been on Lexapro for a while. It has helped me calm down Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted September 26, 2013 Author Share Posted September 26, 2013 What a really crap day. What a really crap life I emailed her today asking her to reconsider. No reply, don’t expect one. I tell you that despair is evil. Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Hang in there Tom. We are all going through the same thing or we wouldn't be here. Go to page 2 on this board and read through the thread the game. 2.50 is a very wise person and his posts really helped me. A lot of good advice Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 I actually just read the entire the game thread again Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 7 months now, and I still have my heart stuck in the past. It just wont let go. I tell it to, I shout at it, LET HER GO. but nope, it still wants her back. God its just so painful, and i'm so tired of it. There is a battle between my head which so wants to move on, and my heart/emotions which I quite happy being stuck. There really must be away to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Tom, Your not alone buddy. Im 6 and a half months, feeling better but my heart and head wont let go either. I pray alot for God to release her from me but shes still there every morning, everyday. I have become pretty content on my new single life but do still have some difficult times. I think my biggest issue is i work a lot of crazy hours and dont have a social life so i stay stuck. Im currently working on some opportunities that will give me a change of scenery so that should help. Keep your head up, we will get past this. Scott Link to post Share on other sites
Still-I-Rise Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 This morning I logged on to talk or read about the difficulty in just getting out of bed some mornings, especially when my thoughts go straight to him, and then I saw your thread. I pray that along with wanting things to lift soon you allow yourself the patience, self-understanding, and kindness to realize this is an excruciating process you are going through and you are doing so in what appears to me to be a normal/healthy way. The ending of a relationship is a death and like any death. There is a grieving process/period. I will be married 22 years this October - my husband left in July - filed for divorce without my knowledge. He left our children and me without looking back. (Initially he showed up a couple weekends...it was strange.) There has been no financial or emotional support. I am still devastated and want it to lift but the rational side of my mind knows it will take serious time to move on sufficiently and to allow myself to accept the grief in waves. Please give yourself time and do not harshly judge, as it will only keep you stuck. I came across a blog online where an individual wrote he says the following to himself when he needs to change his mood "I don't have to feel this way." At first, I thought it was too simple but I have started saying it and it does help by reminding me I have some power over my feelings. Take care of yourself and keep reaching out to people who can relate both circumstantially and emotionally. The Guest House by Rumi This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Hi Guys, I can feel your pain, my lovely wife left me and my three daugthers for her boss (but not anymore with him!!!!) 7 months ago.. Even if I forced myself to meet someone after one month and hopefully still with that girl for more than 6 months , I still regret my old life. Don't get me wrong. The new girl brought me a lot of affection and even greater sex that I got with my own wife. I think I am now 80% back on my feet. I guess is due to the help of my new relation... I don't know if I would have ever kept my brain on if I had stayed alone these past 7 months. Yes it was hard to move on, especially after one month of the split, but I guess it would have been harder to stay by myself these seven months. I can feel your pain, cause I would have been like you.... My only advice, is trying to initiate a new relationship with someone mature who can understand your pain and help you to move on with her/his affection... Yes, everynite, et even during the day I still think about what I would have change when I was still with my wife, but it is useless.... But now my mind is 90% with my new girl, since I have done NC with my wife since the day she has left, refusing to see her, even if I had numerous occasions, limiting our interactions to the strict minimum (administration and my girls through email). So courage all of you, and try to move on... there is a life after our former life, and this life can be even better.. Different for sure, but most of the time better.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 I start my NHS counselling sessions next week. Not before time. I have giving up to despair, which is a downward spiral I know, but there it is. I cannot see anything even remotely good about now or my future, which leads me to constant thoughts of doing my self in. What utter hopelessness. As each nail is driven into that coffin of separation leading to divorce, it drives me further into that dark void. And that is energy sapping. I even find that I can’t be bothered to cry now, unless someone say something. I pray, but I don’t know if there is any thing lessoning. I look at my self, and don’t like what’s there. It’s like I’m waiting for a prison sentence, knowing I will get put away for life. Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Please read God Likes (or Loves) Broken People... I am not ultra religious and it was given to me... but it had certain passages that helped. Talk to a friend everyday.... Use that Rubber band... Get out of the house...Start a new hobby...something like spinning..something cardio... trust me that this helps... It's going to take a bit but you need to start getting out of your head. It does get better but you need to get out of your own way for life to let you get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Tom, She isn't worth the time of day. These damn people who put us through this crap because they are selfish isn't out problem. They are the ones with a problem. YOU deserve happiness and so much better. You need to tell yourself that, I DESERVE BETTER AND I DESERVE HAPPINESS.. get up every morning and tell yourself every morning... Its going to be a wonderful day and life is beautiful. I look at what my ex has done to me and I have to stop and realize that, anybody who can walk out and put me through this isn't worth anymore of my time. She can go to hell and I wish nothing but unhappiness for her.. God forgive me but, I do. I have become content and very comfortable in my new life as it has begun. I had to also stop and realize that I can come home now without feeling like something is wrong or I am being judged anymore. what a release.. consider making changes in your life that will be positive for you.. if you have to, MOVE.. id sale this house I have right now if I didn't have a 16 year old in school.. I am planning on doing just that when this young man graduates. I put a lot of thought into myself and what will be good for me. I am currently waiting on a phone call that should have come but it hasn't yet but I do know its coming. Its for a new job that is gonna move me but as I mentioned, I am keeping my house for at least another year and a half. I am looking forward to getting an apartment, and a change of scenery. a new job that will put me around new people and an opportunity for new friends.. Life is gonna be good.. just be strong, hold your head up. Things will get better. Nobody should be allowed to benefit from your sorrow and pain, don't allow that. You are better than that.. and you know it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 When I was really at my worst - when I was only working from home and crying all of the time and only going out some days to get my mail at the post office, I was absolutely miserable. Mind numbing depression or crying - those were my 2 moods. I stayed up very late, got up early, walked the dogs, came back, closed the blinds against the sun and went to sleep on the sofa. UGH - awful, just awful. I got better slowly, but I'm going to tell you what someone said to me and at the time, it made me mad and I felt it was very unfair. She said to me that I would always be miserable if I kept ding the same things. I needed to get out of my pit of despair and realize that while my life was changed and I was terribly hurt, some people were missing children, lost their jobs, etc. She did say that she was not trying to diminish how I felt, but felt that some perspective was needed on my part. You know what? After I finished being mad at her (my niece), I realized that she was right. I was wallowing in this dark, stinky pit of despair and I needed to climb out of it. Not one soul could pull me out but me. Tom, I have been there, right where you are. I have cried my heart out for my 22 year marriage going down so horribly, faced the disappointment and anguish of having a liar and a cheater for a spouse. You have to find a way to start climbing out of your pit. NOW! You will feel better once you make that effort. Volunteer somewhere one day a week. Feed the hungry and see the appreciation for your efforts. Help someone else and you will be helping yourself. Come on, get up, get going and make your life better. Your efforts will be rewarded. Hugs and hugs your way 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 Hello despair, and what will you have me do today Can hide from you, I’ve tried. Shell I do as you ask? Not long ago I didn’t know you, but now you are constantly with me. You feed me, yet I long for something else, and you punish me. I try and resist you, and then you take your revenge. What will you have me do to appease you? What is it you want me to do? I don’t want your friendship or your love. I hate your smell, and devious means. You make me wallow in your depths and tell me it’s good. You make me listen to your words, and tell me its music tomy ears You show me death, and tell me follow you. I can’t fight you. I have no strength. Leave me please. I beg you, leave me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 And for those who know Psalm 88, thats me too..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 Thanks you all for your comments and advice. I look forward and rely on it. But as it has been said many time before...... ITS all down to me. But I miss her so much. I really do. Today I have submitted my CV to a job agency. If I get a job, that’s the end to my business that I worked so hard to create. Created for her, that launched her career now! Another loss in this game. A game I don’t enjoy and ill equipped to play. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
conf Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 i really can not understand how can someone leave a partner of so many years... How can someone acting happy and loving when he is not? How can someone leaving you like you meant nothing to him? If you are in relationship with someone for so many years you obviously care about him. So why not to try to solve the problems? In every relationship there are highs and lows... I guess that the relationship is not the only problem. Someone, who acts like that, must have problems beyond the relationship (e.g depression, regrets about choices of his life, midlife crisis and many more) but the break up is the easy way out because he puts the blame on the other. It is a distraction. He is emotionally weak and can not face his deamons. He can not destroy his image to himself. He cant appreciate the things he has and built on them. He only concentrates on the things that he has not or the bad ones. In the end of the day this is me perspective but i would love to hear the other side... A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. Keep walking Tom 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Conf, I completly agree with you with the problem beyond the relationship.. In my case, which is similar to tom's case, cause I was 23 years with my wife, she left me for her boss at 45 cause he was so seducing, flattering her all the way she thought she was like so special... Me and my three daugters were so destroyed. The only problem is that after 4 months, he beat her for a jalousy matter, she is in court against him now, and I have found another girl one month after she left (I made the effort to look throught dating sites). Don't want her back anyway since if he didn't beat her, she would still be probably with him... That's life.... And I love my new girl and my new life .. She is better in any point than my ex... No regret... Courage Tom.. The light is at the other side of the tunnel... André 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom amoss Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 I am stuck. I want to get angry but very very worried how that will come out. It may not be pretty. No contact in place and I have emailed her 4 times trying to get her back. Yep, I am stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
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