24 years marriage - ended

[Tom amoss]

Well an all time low today, dear god, when will this nightmare end.

 

If it’s not missing her soooo much, it’s the divorce, the house sale, dividing the contents up, Where to live, friends lost.

 

The feeling sorry for my self, and not having the straight of mind to do a dammed thing about it!

 

The depths of depression that I travel to!

 

Truly life is not good, and I cannot see hope at all.

 

The countless books I have read on mindfulness, awareness,you name it I have read it.

 

But when life really is shi$ there is no talking to my self that black is really white, because from where I stand, black definitely looks black.

[Robert Z]

Gotta say it: When my marriage went South and I found myself sick and probably dying, fat, desperately depressed, suicidal, and completely alone, I started seeing high-end escorts. It was the best decision I've ever made. It made me a new man who has a zest for life again.

 

 

I think much of the self help stuff is a bunch of crap. Men need sex. And there is nothing like a fantastically beautiful young woman to wake up the person you used to be. My life was literally changed in a night. Course I spent the night with two young women... so it might take two nights.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

The idea of seeing escorts didn't occur to me until I had the gun to my head with my finger on the trigger. I believe I came within seconds of pulling it. I was ready.

 

 

And then it came to this. I had to let go of everything I had ever known. I realized that I was willing to die for fear of image and stereotypes, and a bunch of mysticism that I was taught as child - that I will burn in hell for going to a prostitute. So I had to completely shed my skin, reach deep inside, decide what would make me want to live again, and do it. And I found that sex is a phenomenally powerful motivator. Sex made me want to live again.

 

Today I'm happier than I have been since before I got married. I'm healthy and in great shape. I lift weights, swim, do five miles+ on the elliptical, and have lots of super hot sex with a 23 year old professional advertising model who is worthy of Playboy. Today she is my sugar baby - all perfectly legal.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Robert Z

[Tom amoss]

Thanks for your comments.

 

Escorts I am glad helped you, I really don’t think that will work for me.

 

I can never understand why she was able to have sex with me,right up to the day she left.

 

I can understand how she did that I not love me!

 

One of the paradoxes of my issues, plus what I thought I loved was just not real, I thought I was in a solid loving marriage, and was not. The haven’t loved you for 10 years statement and every thing about those 10 years is just too mind blowing to comprehend. What a lie I was living, I can’t think it through to understand it. And it just adds to the despair.

 

I still love her, but what do I love, the wife before she left, but that was a lie. Total sham!

 

So what do I love? Its waking up to this that hurt so much and I go round in circles trying to understand it. It’s an endless loop.

[hurts1968]

Thanks for your comments.

 

Escorts I am glad helped you, I really don’t think that will work for me.

 

I can never understand why she was able to have sex with me,right up to the day she left.

 

I can understand how she did that I not love me!

 

One of the paradoxes of my issues, plus what I thought I loved was just not real, I thought I was in a solid loving marriage, and was not. The haven’t loved you for 10 years statement and every thing about those 10 years is just too mind blowing to comprehend. What a lie I was living, I can’t think it through to understand it. And it just adds to the despair.

 

I still love her, but what do I love, the wife before she left, but that was a lie. Total sham!

 

So what do I love? Its waking up to this that hurt so much and I go round in circles trying to understand it. It’s an endless loop.

 

 

 

Know how you are feeling Tom!

 

My wife had dumped all over me, ran off with another man taking my daughter with her!!

 

we were still having sex up to the day before she ended things!

 

Still love her...stupid isn't it

[RonaldS]

Tom, hang in there buddy.

 

I'm almost 1 year past divorce, and almost 4 years since separating. I've been down to the bottom, I've wallowed at the bottom, and I had times when I thought anything other than a miserable life was unattainable.

 

My world and existence were defined by loss and failure and lack of hope.

 

Guess what, though. One day, the clouds just sorta open up. Life starts over, and great things happen. The way you're feeling is difficult, but not permanent. And it's critical to go through it to be able to find happiness again.

 

Good days are coming.

[Bluesandy]

Thanks for your comments.

 

Escorts I am glad helped you, I really don’t think that will work for me.

 

I can never understand why she was able to have sex with me,right up to the day she left.

 

I can understand how she did that I not love me!

 

One of the paradoxes of my issues, plus what I thought I loved was just not real, I thought I was in a solid loving marriage, and was not. The haven’t loved you for 10 years statement and every thing about those 10 years is just too mind blowing to comprehend. What a lie I was living, I can’t think it through to understand it. And it just adds to the despair.

 

I still love her, but what do I love, the wife before she left, but that was a lie. Total sham!

 

So what do I love? Its waking up to this that hurt so much and I go round in circles trying to understand it. It’s an endless loop.

 

Yes Tom... I think what hurt us the most is that it came out of the blue, we all thought everything was almost perfect, we were making love till the end and then pfluuuut away with someone else and love wasn't there for ten years... crazy..... but we have to accept they might be right... love was certainly fading away for some reasons... for a long time,,, they were mourning secretly for a long time, that's why is was so sudden cause they were just waiting for a reason to leave.. and what is frustrating is why they didn't make any move before to try to fix the situation... We will never know because they don't know either.. We just have to move on, but it will take us 3 years to be happy again after being so long with someone.. I have started antidepressors for a month and feeling much better..

Keep going Tom..... we are with you...

André

[Tom amoss]

Thanks so much for your replys.

 

It’s hearting in a perverse way to know that others are going through the same torment, or have been through it.

 

Yeh I am very well aware that she was planning this for a long time,unbeknown to me at the time.

 

And it’s so sickening that we/I wasn't given the chance to fix what ever the issues were. Such a waste.

 

They say that divorce is second to bereavement, but to be honest, I think it is far worse.

 

You suffer from the loss the same, but with a bereavement you lose someone you think loves you. With this you add the rejection, and what to do with the memories of your last 25 year or more. And you corps of a wife still walks about! Having fun, moved on, and for the most part loving it.

 

I don’t know I may be wrong.

 

Both your replies were much needed today, so a big thanks.

 

Looking forward to better days.

 

 

 

Tom

[Babolat]

Tom, I'm sorry you're here. And please understand that I'm not trying to diminish your pain when I say that your story, your exact situation, isn't all that unusual. All you have to do is root around here and sites like "Talk About Marriage" to find plenty of others.

 

First order of business is to take care of yourself. Go easy on the booze, try to eat, work out including heavy weights (get those endorphins flowing), find a DivorceCare group in your area, etc.

 

And here's the hard part, because you're probably not ready to accept it because it seems so counter-intuitive:

 

Divorce her. Sooner rather than later. Have her served without warning. Show her your serious about regaining control of your life and that you are confident that you can handle moving on without her.

 

At an absolute minimum, go No Contact with her. Be a ghost to her (you probably already are, as far as she's concerned, unless there's something she feels you might come in handy for like car repairs, etc.).

 

There probably is another man. It's not set in stone, and there are exceptions of course, but those are the odds you're dealing with.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. It will pass, and you can handle it.

Amazing advise. When my ex said "I don't think I love you anymore" I tried to reconcile for 7 days, to the day. I made no progress, she was being a real bitch, mean, hurtful, so I packed my bags, got a hotel, and left. I quickly moved in with my brother and I started the divorce process and kept it moving along. I think she was a little shocked as she was just "sitting" doing nothing. I did all of the legal work, all of it. I wanted to get my new life started ASAP. And I have never, never looked at it as 14 years wasted. Rather, 14 years where I failed to grow, got stuck, lost and now I am happier than ever.

 

Take control of your life my friend. You will be moving thru all the stages of grief, like a death. I encourage you to read up on them.

 

Join some meetups, www.meetup.com, make new friends, do something you've always wanted to do. Allow yourself to feel the pain, the hurt, cry as you need to, then boucne back up and go!

[Babolat]

Everyone's advice about self-care is fantastic.

 

I wanted to comment on your not knowing why she left. That's got to feel terrible.

 

It's very possible she tried to communicate her displeasure a long time ago and gave up. Men and women frequently are speaking past each other. When women leave like that its frequently because they tried best they knew and have given up hope. I highly recommend the small little book called 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray. Cheesy but explains practically how these things happen. It might open up some good conversation. I'd advise you though to focus on your behavior, not telling her what she is doing wrong.

 

She may not be great at communicating. You may not be great at listening. Or both. Either way, after time you will probably find out more about what happened.

 

I have a friend who went through something similar and she recognized why he lost interest in her about 10 years after he left her for someone else. She needed to be mad at him for a long time. But then she started realizing she had some unsavory aspects to her character and worked on them with a counselor. Then she was able to tie it together why he left her and completely agreed with his desire to leave. Of course his inability or unwillingness to confront her was part of a problem he has.

 

Later she saw him in a public place, asked for some time to sit on a bench and she apologized for her part. She said it was done in less than five minutes, he really didn't say much. But she felt much, much better afterward.

 

I agree with everyone else, take care of yourself now so you know at least YOU are on your side! Get through the days best you can. The pieces will come together.

OP, forget about why she did what she did; it DOES NOT MATTER. Everyone in my life tried to figure out wy my ex said what she said, what happened, and the like. Did she cheat? Did she this, that, the other? I DON'T CARE and I refused to spend any time and energy thinking about it.

 

 

Ironically, my dad and his wife visited me this weekend. They were the biggest "what happened" people in my life and I got sick of them trying to analyze it. They would even tell me how they missed her and how could I have messed up the marriage. I would encourage them to contact her directly if they missed her so much.

 

We were at my local coffee shop and guess who walks by outside and stopped to talk to someone on the sidewalk? My ex. My dads wife stood up and said "I'm going to go talk to her, I want to know what happend" I immediately told her no, do not even turn around and if she comes in do not go there. She listened to me thank god and my ex did not come in. It's been 3 years, and they still, still to this day want to talk about her. All I say is "I could care less, I hope she is happier than ever". I have no emotion at all for my ex. Seeing her this weekend I said to myself "What on earth did I see in her and why did I stay in the marriage". I stayed becasue I took my vows seriously, that's it.

[Tom amoss]

Thank you Babolat I admire you a lot.

 

There are lucky people who can do what you are able to do.

 

They pick them self’s up and have great control of how they think and feel.

 

Even though I know she will never come back, I can’t stop the deep longing of wanting her back.

 

Even though I know she does not love me, I cannot stop my love for her.

 

There is a part of me that knows all these things I should do, but my heart will not obey.

 

My hurt runs very deep, and it sucks me down into the depression I have.

 

AND I HATE IT.

 

I don’t want to love her, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.

 

But try as I have over the last year, I cannot shift it.

 

It has a will of its own.

 

Call it grief, call it a broken heart, whatever it is, it’s powerful.

 

It saps the very life out of me.

 

Life, is not good, and at time I wish it would end.

 

Even though I tell my self daily/hourly it will be OK, she is not responsible for my happiness.

 

Hours of counselling, which has helped, but never brought my mind and heart in sync.

 

I am very aware that the only one who can do this is ME.

 

There is a war going on inside me, it rages every minute of every day.

 

At times I seem to get the upper hand, but the enemy is very devious, and before I know it, it back filling me with fear and despair.

 

Is it a choice? Can you truly choose to be happy with your lot?

 

Choose to let go of the past, Rest in the fact that you cannot change the past?

 

If it is, then I am missing it.

 

Tom

Edited April 29, 2014 by Tom amoss

[hurts1968]

Thank you Babolat I admire you a lot.

 

There are lucky people who can do what you are able to do.

 

They pick them self’s up and have great control of how they think and feel.

 

Even though I know she will never come back, I can’t stop the deep longing of wanting her back.

 

Even though I know she does not love me, I cannot stop my love for her.

 

There is a part of me that knows all these things I should do, but my heart will not obey.

 

My hurt runs very deep, and it sucks me down into the depression I have.

 

AND I HATE IT.

 

I don’t want to love her, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.

 

But try as I have over the last year, I cannot shift it.

 

It has a will of its own.

 

Call it grief, call it a broken heart, whatever it is, it’s powerful.

 

It saps the very life out of me.

 

Life, is not good, and at time I wish it would end.

 

Even though I tell my self daily/hourly it will be OK, she is not responsible for my happiness.

 

Hours of counselling, which has helped, but never brought my mind and heart in sync.

 

I am very aware that the only one who can do this is ME.

 

There is a war going on inside me, it rages every minute of every day.

 

At times I seem to get the upper hand, but the enemy is very devious, and before I know it, it back filling me with fear and despair.

 

Is it a choice? Can you truly choose to be happy with your lot?

 

Choose to let go of the past, Rest in the fact that you cannot change the past?

 

If it is, then I am missing it.

 

Tom

 

 

Tom

 

Don't know what I can say to make you you feel better about yourself...

 

What are you doing apart from the counselling?

 

Have you started dating again?

 

What about a gym, local club...anything that will bring you into contact with other people!

 

I am only 3 months in, wife gone off with another bloke taking my 3 YO daughter with her....

 

But I can see the difference between now and 3 months ago, very slight but it's there....do you see a difference?

 

I yearn for my wife, despite all she has done my feelings haven't really changed for her but I have to get on with things and you do too!

 

I'm not sure if it's just the missing a person and not that person...

[Babolat]

There are lucky people who can do what you are able to do.

 

They pick them self’s up and have great control of how they think and

 

 

I was and am not lucky. I made a choice to move on with my life and get busy. YOU can to.

 

I say am not lucky as I spent the last 18+ months in and out of a relationship where I was the dumpee 2 times. And, it was very difficult and very hard on me to end it, both times. But I did, and I made a choice to move on.

 

I am not suggesting you stop loving this woman. I am not suggesting you stop caring. You simply need to change the way you thing, counter the "I long for her thoughts" with other thoughts. Try to remember the bad. Get busy, find new hobbies, new friends, amd ny all means keep talking about this with friends and family and even a counselor if you can.

 

Keep posting her too, if you need to.

[Shocked Suzie]

Cut yourself some slack... It's still early days. Years of marriage can't be put away in a box over night

 

Try not to think about feeling this way, try not to fight it... Focus on day to day things that make you happy... Simplest stuff

 

It will come, even if she always has a place in your heart, it will eventually ease

 

SS x

Edited May 5, 2014 by Shocked Suzie

[Tom amoss]

Thanks SS,

[Tom amoss]

How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at

the beginning of all races-the myths about dragons that

at the last moment are transformed into princesses.

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are only princesses

waiting for us to act, just once, with beauty and courage.

Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest

essence, something helpless that wants our love.

So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises before

you larger than any you've ever seen, if an anxiety like

light and cloud shadows moves over your hands and

everything that you do. You must realize that something

has happened to you; that life has not forgotten you; it

holds you in its hands and will not let you fall.

Why do

you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any

miseries, or any depressions ? For after all, you do not know

what work these conditions are doing inside you.

 

-R A I N E R M A R I A R I L K E ,

Letters to a Young Poet

[Tom amoss]

Hi

 

I have been referred to the Psychotherapy unit.

 

Truly hoping this will lead to some piece of mind.

 

Tom

[JamesM]

Tom, I hope you find peace and some solutions. Report back when you can.

[RonaldS]

I am not suggesting you stop loving this woman.

 

I am.

 

Stop loving people who don't reciprocate that love. Total waste of time. You're giving money to bums, and they're just going to turn around and buy booze with it.

 

It's a bit of a tough pill to swallow, to accept that a person whom you have dedicated yourself and your life to doesn't actually love you. It sucks. I had to do it. I had to look at my XW objectively, in a 'business matter' fashion, rather than longingly and lovingly. Once I did, and looked back on our entire relationship, I realized that she never loved me. That was tough.

 

But it made the choice on how to deal with her and move forward very easy. Why would I waste a second loving somebody who would never reciprocate that? Zero sum game.

 

That's why, when she very quickly moved on with another man, it almost had no affect on me. I have my own life to think about/work on/deal with/enjoy/build. Why in the world would I waste that time worrying about a person who doesn't care about me?

 

Tom, it's tough buddy....but you have to let go of that 'love' that you have for her. It's not a real thing...it's just a fantasy that you keep alive in your own mind and heart. But it doesn't exist in the real world. She's no longer your wife. She's just another chick. I will always care about my XW in some fashion, but at the same time, she's just a person in my past. She's not my anything, or ex-anything...she's not my friend, she's not a special person to me. Our history is just that...history. She's my kid's mom. That's it.

 

I'm happy for her that she has moved on. I'm also happy for me that I don't waste anymore time giving a crap about her. It allows me to enjoy my life.

[RonaldS]

Or, to put it another way, Tom...

 

You need to do your wife like Rick James did Charlie Murphy's couch.

[worldgonewrong]

I will always care about my XW in some fashion, but at the same time, she's just a person in my past. She's not my anything, or ex-anything...she's not my friend, she's not a special person to me. Our history is just that...history. She's my kid's mom. That's it.

 

^^^^

BOOM!

Your entire reply was spot on, RonaldS, but this cuts to the core of it (for me, at least).

 

I'd only add a supportive footnote to this: Conversely, you (OP) are already nothing to her. The minute you accept that (difficult), you wake up & realize you're dumping your heart and soul into a void that doesn't answer back.

You'll see it soon enough, and it will be liberating after all the tears.

[Tom amoss]

My problem for the past few weeks is where to live.

 

And this problem is so hard that I have to say it’s more than a problem, but turning into a serious despairing nightmare.

 

First off: the house I live in, a really lovely nice 4 bedhouse etc etc is part of the divorce thing, so has to be sold.

 

I cannot buy her out, way to much.

 

Option 1- I buy a small one bed flat or house and live in the same town. Keep my job, and keep my friends still close by. Problem is she lives in the same town, and I am petrified I will see her.

 

Option 2 – I go buy a house in the same town as Mum & Dad, and my brother.

 

Down side would be no job, and no friends.

 

Upside is a bigger house for my money as houses are much cheaper there, and I will never see her again.

 

 

 

Errrrrr, Why does seeing her fill me with such fear? If she wasn’t here it would not be a problem, but she is.

 

If I saw her again, my heart would break all over again .FEAR FEAR FEAR….. I hate it so much.

 

Your thoughts would be very welcome. Thanks

 

Tom

Edited June 5, 2014 by Tom amoss

[Bluesandy]

Hi Tom, my first reaction will to move away cause any place you used to see her will remind you of her.. so I will move away close to your family who can be very supportive... but i would wait till I could find another job, and meanwhile, I would rent a smallplace close from your actual job. Then when you will get a job near from your mom's place, and so you could by a house once there.. So try to negociate a small lease you can easily break...

In my life, it has always been easier to move away and to regain my self esteem... Living in the constant fear to meet her is devil.... And you will forget about her easier...

Courage Tom...

[Shocked Suzie]

How about a short trip to where your parents live, view some houses... See how you feel??

 

If deep down you are only moving to avoid the ex, then maybe you are moving area for the wrong reason.

 

Xx

[Mr. Lucky]

If deep down you are only moving to avoid the ex, then maybe you are moving area for the wrong reason.

 

Xx

Have to agree. And why would you let someone like your ex-wife have so much control over your future?

 

Were it me, I'd figure out some way to run into her on purpose. I'll bet you'd find out two things - the experience won't be as cataclysmic as you fear it will be. And you're stronger than your think you are...

 

Mr. Lucky