24 years marriage - ended

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - It's okay to miss her - it's completely natural... and I do understand too that it comes with some pretty low feelings. An experience such as this is so dynamic - it's easy to look at it and feel that 'it's her' - 'she did this' - or that all that is wrong with the world is the fact that 'she is gone'. But I don't believe that's accurate...

 

In my situation - her being absent from life sucks too and this is where the grieving begins - there's a lot of loss that I have experienced (her, the family as it was, and the life I had truly enjoyed). However - the other side of this journey is about me and has nothing to do with her. Granted I'm in this position because she made a choice that was... 'right for her'. And it took time (continues to) - to really absorb that and understand the vast ramifications of her choice to me. But I understand and I accept that her returning to my life only offers the illusion of happiness again - it feels as though I've 'wanted' her for so long that it just became a habit.

 

Now again... I do miss her - but after more than 5 months it's just not the same as it was. I have full faith that you will get there my friend as much of what you describe I have have experienced not so long ago. We all wish there was a way to expedite this process but unfortunately there is not and we all move through it at our own pace. Some of these 'feelings' are persistent and stick around for awhile; some come and go then fade away.

 

In my opinion - the two best things you can do for Tom is (1) Do not reach out to her or use her as a resource for anything - don't lean on her or share any of your feelings with her (she has given up those rights) and (2) Be mindful and easy on yourself and what you feel. I remember thinking (for the longest time) that I was stuck - but looking back I see that I wasn't stuck... it was just really slow.

 

As always my friend - continue to do the best you can and when you cannot 'do' then take the time to grieve. I'm proud of you Tom for continuing to 'get out there' and as cliche as it sounds - every little bit does help.

[Tom amoss]

Thanks TailSpin75

 

So I have to face these dark day, months.

 

Face up to the Mundane life.

 

Knowing that I will spend hours alone.

 

It’s a hard reality that I find my self in, and not one I want at all.

 

Fear of that is very real.

 

Its not nice not having another to share your life with.

 

I miss her so much.

 

I still want hope, hope she will return, hope that if she will not, that I will find love again.

 

But I’m not in any state for either.

 

I need to get strong, but where that strength is to come from I don’t know.

 

“Moving on” I will reword as “Moving through”

 

Because that’s what it’s like, moving through black dark glue.

 

God I wish there was an easy way through all this.

 

Sadness sits on me like a very dark cloud.

 

I wish there was just something that would give me light relief from it all.

 

A walk into town is hard, seeing other couples, seeing other girls, even watching a film, there are always dammed couples every where.

 

I find it almost imposable to face my self, and that’s the hub of all this.

 

I am not whole as a person. In fact I don’t know who I am anymore, I was defined by her.

 

Any one read a book that they think is good on any of this, or again is that just another run away d[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]istraction[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

I just want out of this!

 

Tom

Edited May 17, 2013 by Tom amoss

[TailSpin75]

Hi Tom - There are a couple of things you mentioned that I'd like to offer a different perspective on.

 

Hope: for me... I hated the hope early on, I didn't want that hope because I felt it would interfere in my ability to move forward. I didn't want to 'live' for that hope - to sit back in waiting while life simply passed me by. But I see that your view of hope is the opposite - and that's okay... we all get from 'here' to 'there' as the captain of our own ship. Now imagine that getting from 'here' to 'there' is like passing from one end of a set of monkey bars to the other - I view hope as one of the rungs and ultimately as long as you keep moving (versus hanging idle on that hung of hope) - it will pass.

 

Time: something that helped me tremendously (and a practice I still employ to this day) is to be aware of when you are thinking of the future. It's so hard to believe that the future will be fine (probably even great) when you're so emotionally devastated. When I'm down - my outlook tends to be down also and when I look at my future it just seems that the color will never return to the world. So instead I do my best to think about the right now... and if I'm down - I accept that. Someday's were just about making it to bed time if i'm being honest.

 

Keep doing your best Tom.

[aMguilts]

tom i disagree with your councillor

 

your not running away from your feelings

if anything

you are admitting to them. you know how you feel

and you feel like there is nothing else in the world ever from now on and that

you cant `cope` without your wife in your life

and without her you are not a man and can`t ever get by ever again without her in your life???

there will NEVER be quite as 1 as her?

the power of love has died and its gone forever

she`s taken it with her?

along with everything else?

 

 

again i`m not out to be nasty to you

 

i`ve been where you are now

most on here have

or still are

 

it`s not an easy road to tread

but it`s not an impossible 1

 

stop looking towards the future

tom...day by day for you now

everyday will get better i promise you

 

hugs

aM

[Tom amoss]

I thought I would write something positive for a change.

 

Just been out with my family, and made a decision to be as positive as I could, and well for most part it was OK.

 

My thoughts at the time were, "One way or other I will either get my wife back, or I will find love again"

 

For me those two options are going to happen.

 

It is something to hang on too in this very dark time.

 

One year, I need a year to sort my self out, one year for her to go through what ever it is she must do.

 

OK this is a long time, and i may change my mind in a minutes or hour time, all may be dire again

 

But for now, this minute I feel not too bad

 

 

Tom

Edited May 19, 2013 by Tom amoss

[Tom amoss]

Well it lasted two days, and that is good going for me.

 

But this morning I have woken up to a bad day.

 

Well woken is not really true, more like half asleep really.

 

I know I have to give her space, leave her alone for her to go through whatever it is she is doing, but its so so so hard after so many years to not have her in my life.

 

I do miss her so much, and I know it’s only the old life I miss. Nothing could be the same; we both would have to be very different people.

 

I have more direction at the moment in my life, small plans that do give me hope of what life will be like, but its excepting those, and not looking back at what I had, because that is over. It will never come back again.

 

The small hope I have in this new life, is never as good as my old life, and that is what makes me so low now.

 

I was so happy in my ignorance back then, if only I had another chance.

 

But that’s over. I must look forward; stop looking back at what was.

 

It's hard not to do that; I must control my mind more.

 

It won’t be long before I cry; I can feel it building up.

 

But for once I will let it come and pass without running to anyone first.

 

Thanks for all your comments again. You all know what I am going through and it helps so much knowing that.

 

Tom

[Simpleoldschool]

Tom if i could say something.

 

Rejection of anything is due to the mind that rejects itself, first.

 

Life is your own. Be happy. alone. toghether. in all the things and places you are. Your learning something from everyone of those expieriences and i have said this many times.

 

Someone who can TOSS 24 YEARS IS NOT A GOOD PERSON. you loved that person, you did but that person isnt looking for love. They arent and you dont need 25 26 27 years of that. Your life WILL BE BETTER.

 

how could it not be. Dont let the fact that she doesnt love you hurt. Really, your losing someone who doesnt love you- which isnt a loss to be able to share something as strong as the love you had for this one that travels both directions- from you to her and right back.

 

im not saying something like i dont know. when a marriage ends it ends and it hurts. but i got over it. i accepted it. i stopped thinking about her and you want to know what happened when i did. my eyes were open i realized something. there are 6 billion people on this planet thats alot of women and one who will stay. the rest arent even worth my time. only the one that will stay. and thats a match and a promise. someone who beilieves the same things i do. someone who wont say oh well 24 years.

 

and if a women says shes been thinking about it for a long time she IS bad person. how do you sit there and think through the years why to dislike someone who let you live with them for 24 years? really you want that? you want that for year 25? and year 26? so she can turn it around again on you the person who is honest?

 

bro let me tell you when you find mrs right, you have 24 years of good expierience to transfer over and twenty for years she will fall in love with.

 

and then, thats when you can be happy about YEAR 25. you have alot of life left. dont sell it to someone who is going to pay the cheapest amount they can, a stroll in the opposite direction. to be honest GOOD WRIDDANCE BUDDY. you dont need to hurt for someone who walks. you dont need to hurt for someone WHO LIED TO YOU. you dont need to hurt for someone who in actuality lied to you for 24 YEARS. You need someone who will say in your darkest hours and deepest pain that your eyes fill with tears how can i help. you dont need the person who leaves you alone to do that f them.you need to say im me im glad im happy and when and where can i go get dressed up. look myself in the mirror be proud of the man i was and the man i see now and who the hell is MRS DAMN LUCKY. then you need to go out there focus on yourself laugh and have fun and ill tell you something she will show up and she will be what you couldnt see because your eyes were at a road-block but now shes in full view. You are going to get the jollys and so will she. and guess what. life will be yours and she will have hers and you will share yours toghether. seriously f people who leave. no use in crying over spilled milk or spilled scum. you wipe that s word up with a broom throw that broom the garbage then tell yourself you need to take it out because it stinks and fill your home with febreeze baby all night long. mmmhhhmm thats what you need to do.

Edited May 21, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[aliveagain]

As long as your focus is on what is lost, you will never move forward, you will never meet the person you should be with. The less contact you have with your STBXW, the less you will be hurt. Just how much pain do you need in your life? You control when your healing starts, mourn her loss but don't give her the power to control your life. Have a funeral for her, put her to rest, there is so much life to be discovered, life can be so exciting if you allow it. Plan something radical, a trip to South America, do something that Tom will never forget. She was an experience, you lived it, now what do you want to do next, something you can control.

[Tom amoss]

Simpleoldschool and aliveagain thanks

 

Yes that’s what I want too

 

Yes I do, I really do what to think like that.

 

Just need to let those realities sink in and take hold of them.

 

But I have never been good with rejection ever, it hits me hard.

 

And this rejection is 100% worse than anything I have been through.

 

So if she said today can I come back, well you know what I would do, hell yes, but first we need to talk. But she is so far from that, I think it will take month yet, and then It may never happen.

 

So I move through this, trying to get my mind around the reality of not being loved by her, like you say if she did she wouldn’t have left. But she may change, she may think, what the hell am I doing.

 

and then I say to my self, is a few months long enough to find love again, is a few months a justifiable length of time to honer 24 years,

 

Can I really say, well good bye, I have found a new love, these last few weeks were all I needed to ditch 24 years.

 

I don’t know, so many thoughts on this.

 

“Rejection of anything is due to the mind that rejects itself, first.” Can you explain that to me, sorry being thick here.

 

Thanks again

 

Tom

Edited May 21, 2013 by Tom amoss

[Bluesandy]

(Can I really say, well good bye, I have found a new love, these last few weeks were all I needed to ditch 24 years.

 

 

“Rejection of anything is due to the mind that rejects itself, first.” Can you explain that to me, sorry being thick here.)

 

Tom

 

Yes you can find a new love if you take the actions for... My 23 year relationship has ended 3 month ago exactly, and I am now deeply in love with a wonderful girl for 2 months. Hard to work that out the first weeks, pressure on me to use viagra to get some precious help, cause the body doesn't follow your mind in these painful moments, and a lot of understanding from her part regarding my situation (she passed through that hell as well, so she didn't let me down).... Now, I am 80% back on my mind, being in the ground the first month before meeting her..

 

Regarding the rejection, I know what you mean... but my psychotherapist told me it is more an ego thing, so just try to pass over that feeling...

 

Courage Tom

André

[Tom amoss]

You know it’s like a drug withdrawal, losing your wife.

 

At times it’s ok-ish and then out of nowhere all you want is her so desperately.

 

Tom

[worldgonewrong]

You know it’s like a drug withdrawal, losing your wife.

 

And then you realize she was the drug-equivalent to crystal meth, and she was making you lose your mind & compromising your physical health as well.

[Tom amoss]

Yes. But going through with withdrawal is painfull, even when you know the drug its bad for you.

[worldgonewrong]

Yes. But going through with withdrawal is painfull, even when you know the drug its bad for you.

 

Oh totally agree.

But it's a funny thing (again, extending the metaphor to its limits):

while one has the DT's, diarrhea, and vomiting, one's also saying, "I love that drug!" ha ha ha!

[Sittinginmcds]

Tom

It will get better. I was married 15 years and came home to an empty house. She was my best friend and then gone. After weeks of me begging she told me "we will never be together again" I wanted to die but I couldn't.

All I can say is time heals all wounds. In a few years you,like me, can be here bitc*ing about a new psycho.

Hang in it gets better I swear.

[Sittinginmcds]

I'd be a little hesitant about the advice from the guy whose 23 year relationship ended 3 mos ago and he's now in love for 2 mos.

score card please

[Tom amoss]

"I love that drug!"

 

Yeh why is that, madness. But we do.

 

Years, oh why does that not will me with joy, but realistically its going to take that. errrrr

 

In time new love could be an answer, we will just have to wait and see.

 

Mean while I work on getting stronger day by day.

 

Go through the mental exercise very morning that today will be OK, and I will get through it just like the last 2 3/4 months

[worldgonewrong]

The tipping point for you, down the line, will simply be this:

Why does this woman have a hold on me? I need to get a hold of me. It's my life, not hers.

 

The minute your (healthy) ego starts to return, you'll almost be angry for having given so much of yourself away, above & beyond what was expected within the realm of marriage.

[Tom amoss]

and you know why, its because I have this total unrealistic notion that she will come back.

 

I hate having that, it keeps me stuck in the past, yet I can't shake it.

 

My heart convinces me it could happen and I’m stupid enough to believe it.

 

yet I write this, now how is that possible!!!!!!

 

It doesn't make sense, its like there is three of me.

[Bluesandy]

I'd be a little hesitant about the advice from the guy whose 23 year relationship ended 3 mos ago and he's now in love for 2 mos.

score card please

Not sure what you mean... that's my third split in life, and I have learn that staying in a waiting mood in such a situation doesn't make you progress, especially when you feel it is really over (my wife left for her boss of two years)... I knew I was going to be down for a long time if I stayed alone...

The very next day she announced me she was leaving, I registered to a dating site, and within a month, I got 15 answers, met 6 girls and picked the one I thought was the best package... I was fortunate enough to find out afterwward she was exactly what I was looking for...

I was in love with my wife for 23 years, we split 12 years ago and got back together, but everything was not perfect.. So I found these missing spots in my new relationship, so it was easier for me to capitalize on her and avoid thinking about what I lost...

My philosophy..

[dreamingoftigers]

and you know why, its because I have this total unrealistic notion that she will come back.

 

I hate having that, it keeps me stuck in the past, yet I can't shake it.

 

My heart convinces me it could happen and I’m stupid enough to believe it.

 

yet I write this, now how is that possible!!!!!!

 

It doesn't make sense, its like there is three of me.

 

Oh boy,

 

This got me started.

 

There ARE three of you. This isn't some read-your-aura-spiritist thing either. Our brains are actually three separate systems that fold together and rationalize it by stating "I." (I love modern brain science etc, and am currently reading a recently-published work on self-identity and neural structure).

 

There is your pre-frontal cortex

your limbic system

your amygdala/hippocampus.

 

Your PFC is the executive function that gets you to weigh out odds and risks etc. It's the part that balances the checkbook and learns about relational dynamics.

 

Your limbic system regulates the emotional content. It's the part where you enjoy pasta, feel the thrill of getting a surprise present etc.

 

The amygdala is the most primitive part, the survival part. It floods you with anxiety at scary movies. It deals with reproduction, bonding, etc.

 

So sometimes (oh gosh, OFTEN) these three parts disagree with one another. Some people (my younger self included) make decisions based almost entirely on when their amygdala is triggered. Adrenaline coursing etc.

 

So, right now, your limbic system has had a major loss. Six months typically to make it back to relatively functional level. Those predisposed to suicidal tendencies, not so lucky. Your brain has bonded so much to having your wife as stimuli for so long, that it is going to scan around for her for awhile. It's a major change to your environment.

 

So whereas your PFC "gets it" that it's not a healthy thing right now and maybe go take up lawn bowling or whatever, your primitive brain is screaming that the equilibrium is off and it'll take it awhile to realize that you will STILL SURVIVE the shift instead of trying to restore the environment you did have out of desperation.

 

It's normal. You're hurting. Give it a chance to heal. Don't try to mask it or fight it, it will take longer.

 

If you really need to reassure your primitive brain that you are going to survive (and even thrive) pick up a copy of "Taming Your Outer Child"

 

She seems to be able to take what has been discovered about our brain systems and turn it into a somewhat practical guide (although in places I find her writing style a little annoying) for the layperson to use to quell the amygdala freaking out.

[Tom amoss]

It’s a lonely day today.

Facing myself, and this life as a single man.

 

What to do? fear of the future.

 

If I am going to work on myself, find out who the hell I am, where do you start.

I guess it another one of those quotes "Give it time".

"Time" I hate it,

it like the quote "Time to move on"

 

You end up filling your life with meaningless things like Yoga (thanks tonight)

Guitar playing (fingers hurt)

Seeing friends (wearing them out, but getting better at that now)

 

And all you want is your old life, and that in hindsight sucked anyway.

 

If this new life just got a little better, just got a bit more exciting, I wouldn’t look back with such rose tinted specs.

 

That’s me today

 

A bit low, but not as low as I have been, and if I got a little bit more out of life it would be better.

 

I want this life, I want to get excited about starting again, opportunities are endless in some ways, Just need to ditch the gloom I feel, Ditch that love I have for her.

 

I see the attraction in finding a date, I really do, but I am vulnerable, emotionally heartbroken,

Not a very attractive person at the moment,

 

I’m impatient, I want to be better now, go find love again, I'm told that if I was whole again I may even be more attractive to my wife, F*** how can you be more attractive if your heartbroken, it could take years to come to terms with it. I haven’t got years.

 

To be honest It would be easier to work on a new girl than it would to win her back.

 

Have I got the energy for that? not now that’s for sure.

 

And the only way I would accept her back is if she looked me right in the eyes and said she really loved me. And for her to do that I have to be the a new Tom, and strong Tom.

 

I could be strong Tom to a new person, there no pain with someone new, but she represents pain and heartbreak, I would crumble at the first sight of her.

 

Sucks doesn’t it.

 

Tom

Edited May 22, 2013 by Tom amoss

[Tom amoss]

Oh boy,

 

This got me started.

 

There ARE three of you. This isn't some read-your-aura-spiritist thing either. Our brains are actually three separate systems that fold together and rationalize it by stating "I." (I love modern brain science etc, and am currently reading a recently-published work on self-identity and neural structure).

 

There is your pre-frontal cortex

your limbic system

your amygdala/hippocampus.

 

Your PFC is the executive function that gets you to weigh out odds and risks etc. It's the part that balances the checkbook and learns about relational dynamics.

 

Your limbic system regulates the emotional content. It's the part where you enjoy pasta, feel the thrill of getting a surprise present etc.

 

The amygdala is the most primitive part, the survival part. It floods you with anxiety at scary movies. It deals with reproduction, bonding, etc.

 

So sometimes (oh gosh, OFTEN) these three parts disagree with one another. Some people (my younger self included) make decisions based almost entirely on when their amygdala is triggered. Adrenaline coursing etc.

 

So, right now, your limbic system has had a major loss. Six months typically to make it back to relatively functional level. Those predisposed to suicidal tendencies, not so lucky. Your brain has bonded so much to having your wife as stimuli for so long, that it is going to scan around for her for awhile. It's a major change to your environment.

 

So whereas your PFC "gets it" that it's not a healthy thing right now and maybe go take up lawn bowling or whatever, your primitive brain is screaming that the equilibrium is off and it'll take it awhile to realize that you will STILL SURVIVE the shift instead of trying to restore the environment you did have out of desperation.

 

It's normal. You're hurting. Give it a chance to heal. Don't try to mask it or fight it, it will take longer.

 

If you really need to reassure your primitive brain that you are going to survive (and even thrive) pick up a copy of "Taming Your Outer Child"

 

She seems to be able to take what has been discovered about our brain systems and turn it into a somewhat practical guide (although in places I find her writing style a little annoying) for the layperson to use to quell the amygdala freaking out.

 

 

Yes I see that, kind of makes sense. Thanks

 

I will take a look at the book, Thank for that too.

 

I need some books,” how to enjoy life and love your self at the same time” but a book that works

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes I see that, kind of makes sense. Thanks

 

I will take a look at the book, Thank for that too.

 

I need some books,” how to enjoy life and love your self at the same time” but a book that works

 

"Being Happy" by Tal Ben-Shahar was great.

It's NOT cheesy. Quite decent.

 

And The Flipside (Adam J. Jackson) was great as well. Even my very cynical husband appreciated that. While he was in treatment no less.

[Sittinginmcds]

Tom

Someday probably not soon you will feel better. It's like a roller coaster you will be up & down make some turns maybe even wind up upside down all you can do is hold on tight rely on that harness and know it does end. The pain really does end I promise.

When I see her now it's with indifference. You will get there.