Recent discovery

[JTB]

Hello. I've been dating someone exclusively for 7 months now. Relationship has had some hard times but its mostly been good. I've never been given any reason to think I can't trust this girl. She has been loyal and accepting of me and we have been open about a lot of things. But something came up yesterday that I am having a hard time coping with.

 

It was my girlfriend's birthday and I brought her dinner, flowers, card, cupcakes. She was thrilled. But when I was setting the table I noticed a medium sized giftwrapped box of chocolates, unopened. I thought very little of it at first but was curious who it came from. When I asked, she got very uncomfortable.

 

She aid it was from "an old friend." I decided to press for details. She said I didn't want to know and she didn't think it was something I could handle hearing. SHe said it was "someone she is no longer in contact with." When I asked why she was being secretive about it, her response was that she thought it would create problems for us, cause it would hurt me. I encouraged her to talk to me, said its important that she be open with me.

 

Finally, she told me. ABout a year and a half ago she tried out being an escort. For a certain period of time she was an ecort for one older client. APparently, there was a lot of money to be made which was her motivation, and she was curious about it cause a mutual friend made it sound like something she should try, but she ended up feeling creepy about it a certain amount of time in and she put an end to it about a year ago. So, about 3 months before we started dating is when she stopped her service to this person.

 

She mentioned something about how she has had lunches since, and I should have asked if she has had lunches since our relationship started. She says the only message she sent him yesterday was to say thanks for the birthday gift.

 

I tried to be supportive, said her past is in her past. The problem is.....clearly he still sent her a birthday present.......so he knows her well enough to know when her birthday is, and is sending her a gift.

 

Makes me wonder if he has sent her other gifts, too, and she simply hasn't told me.

 

so what I am wondering is....do I let this go? Do I ask more questions? I didn't want to, but my imagination ran wild last night trying envision how this sort of thing would work, what it would mean to someone emotionally, etc, and I tried to put things in perspective for how she would view me.

 

I am insecure because it makes me wonder how she really thinks of me. It makes me wonder when she tells me I'm the best and all that....if I really am or if its an act. The real problem here may simply be my own insecurity. What I need to know is......SHOULD this bother me or should I let this go?

 

If there are more questions I should ask, what should they be? I don't want to make this a bigger problem than it has to be....

 

 

Thanks for the help

[Realist3]

Let it go!

[veryhappy]

In her defense, she did tell you when you asked. She could have easily lied. Think about it...how was she supposed to tell you this in a 7 month R without being terrified of your reaction?

 

I think you need to try to see beyond this, and get to know the real her. If it's really in the past, why she did it and see if you can accept that. I also think it's fair of you to ask she stops the lunches with this old man.

[Summer Breeze]

In her defense, she did tell you when you asked. She could have easily lied. Think about it...how was she supposed to tell you this in a 7 month R without being terrified of your reaction?

 

I think you need to try to see beyond this, and get to know the real her. If it's really in the past, why she did it and see if you can accept that. I also think it's fair of you to ask she stops the lunches with this old man.

 

I would also add that it needs to be clear if he sends any more gifts they go back unopened with a letter that her life has changed. Thanks but it's done.

 

I'm glad you're not having a knee jerk reaction about this.

[JTB]

Thanks all.

 

Yeah, I didn't have a knee jerk reaction cause I know that if I want someone to be open with me about things I have to be approachable about these kinds of things. Besides I don't think less of her for it so much as I feel insecure about my own standing knowing she could pretend to be interested in someone.

 

I am just getting off work and won't see her until this evening. I definitely am hoping she agrees to no longer accepts gifts from this person because it does make me uncomfortable.

 

Its funny cause what makes me uncomfortable isn't really that she did that in her past. Its simply the idea of her maintaining communications with this individual that bothers me. I guess I feel threatened or something. It makes me feel insecure and unsafe. Not that I think she would cheat on me, but.....it feels really bad for me on the inside to imagine her enjoying this person's company, or appreciating his gifts. Like if she gets a gift in the mail from him, and it its a pleasant reminder of her time with him....that bothers me.....I know thats kind of weird, but even if it isn't physically cheating it still feels like it if she is enjoying the attention of someone else or if something is being done behind my back in some sense I feel I am being betrayed.

 

Thanks for the help. YOu guys gave really good advice which helped keep me from panicking. I love my girlfriend and I hope she will understand what bothers me and respect/accept my request,

 

Jesse

[JTB]

well....I tried to bring it up in a very non confrontational way over the phone. I just had some really basic questions.....and she got super mad at me and hung up on me and says by text she doesn't want to talk about it......I did not expect such a freakout

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Text her back that it is certainly her perogative.

 

It's your perogative to not be in a relationship where you can't talk about serious issues that bother you.

[2sunny]

If the R is over with the old dude - why didn't she send back the candy?

 

Why accept it?

 

Why thank him?

 

Se makes it seem as though they still see each other.

 

I would never accept any gift from a man I didn't ever intend to see again.

 

She's still stringing him along. You just weren't supposed to find out.

[wisernow]

If the R is over with the old dude - why didn't she send back the candy?

 

Why accept it?

 

Why thank him?

 

Se makes it seem as though they still see each other.

 

I would never accept any gift from a man I didn't ever intend to see again.

 

She's still stringing him along. You just weren't supposed to find out.

 

I think that's a stretch, Sunny. The gift was unopened, not hidden, so to me she wasn't hiding anything. Seems to me she's been honest, he's having issues. I say, keep your eyes open, don't be a stalker, but be aware.

[2sunny]

I think that's a stretch, Sunny. The gift was unopened, not hidden, so to me she wasn't hiding anything. Seems to me she's been honest, he's having issues. I say, keep your eyes open, don't be a stalker, but be aware.

 

I don't think it's a stretch - given that she still had his number - called him - and has also had lunch with him.

 

The bigger red flag is her anger when he just expressed his feelings!

 

If she can't understand why you'd be needing more answers - and unwilling to discuss it - that's not a gal who's trying to earn your trust - and build intimacy! That's a gal who's lying and covering up!

[JTB]

I don't think it's a stretch - given that she still had his number - called him - and has also had lunch with him.

 

The bigger red flag is her anger when he just expressed his feelings!

 

If she can't understand why you'd be needing more answers - and unwilling to discuss it - that's not a gal who's trying to earn your trust - and build intimacy! That's a gal who's lying and covering up!

 

It kind of felt like that when I asked her about it. IT could be my issue though, Wisernow, I'm really not sure. I mean, I certainly felt insecure about it. But I really didn't expect the reaction I got based on how I approached her. I was really nice about it, did not come at her, chose words very carefully.....spoke of my own issues (feeling insecure) and she got really, really mad at me. I don't know what to do about this. Cause I care about her and.....I Just felt like I wanted some reassurance.....and that isn't what I got. SHe hung up on me and wouldn't talk to me for about an hour, then when I had to head to school she called me and was mad I couldn't talk and I said I had to go to college (I do night school.)

 

Don't know .But I do know I am a mess about it now. Worse than before asking her more about it, that's for sure

[2sunny]

It kind of felt like that when I asked her about it. IT could be my issue though, Wisernow, I'm really not sure. I mean, I certainly felt insecure about it. But I really didn't expect the reaction I got based on how I approached her. I was really nice about it, did not come at her, chose words very carefully.....spoke of my own issues (feeling insecure) and she got really, really mad at me. I don't know what to do about this. Cause I care about her and.....I Just felt like I wanted some reassurance.....and that isn't what I got. SHe hung up on me and wouldn't talk to me for about an hour, then when I had to head to school she called me and was mad I couldn't talk and I said I had to go to college (I do night school.)

 

Don't know .But I do know I am a mess about it now. Worse than before asking her more about it, that's for sure

 

Someone who cares about you wouldn't make you feel worse - they reassure you and make you feel better.

 

She acts guilty of something - it's not a normal "it's innocent" reaction.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Someone who cares about you wouldn't make you feel worse - they reassure you and make you feel better.

 

She acts guilty of something - it's not a normal "it's innocent" reaction.

 

I agree with this. I don't agree that she should have sent the candy back. It wasn't jewelry or lengerie ? Candy seems like an impersonal I remembered your day kind of gift. she answered the question upfront even though she was uncomfortable which is understandable.

 

it's when OP questioned further that she reacted. If OP gives in to her outburst and grovels back, then HE is setting a precedent. She owes him an apology as well as an answer to his questions if they were indeed asked with respect.

 

Give her plenty of space to figure out that this is her. Do not take responsibility for upsetting her. If she can't figure out that she overreacted then consider yourself spared major heartache in the future.

[JTB]

So the thing about my girlfriend is she has a history of getting extremely intense when she's upset. Not just with me. Its been a problem in her past relationships too. But, its not like u don't have plenty of my own things to work on so I'm not going to say that how things went down last night was her fault. I suffer from insecurity. Unfortunately this insecurity sometimes gets worse when I feel like bringing up concerns will have a bad reaction. So...what do you do when both people in a relationship have some issues?

 

she was mostly mad that I addressed this issue over the pphone. She felt uncomfortable and thought it was unfair of me to bbring up something like this in a phone conversation. Last night after ccollege there was an intense discussion which ended with uus holding eachother saying we love eachother while at the same time expressing fear that we might not be good for eachother. This morning I held her for a long time and she said she wants me to be happy. She says she doesn't want to lose me, wants me in her life. I told her I love her too and am committed to her.

 

I'm thinking damn, all I wanted to do was have a 5 minute conversation about these gifts. Anyway, we did talk about that too. She raises a good point....why should it make me jealous for her to receive a gift from someone? She doesn't have lunches with this guy anymore and ended the business relationship ok her own a few months before. She started dating me. She reacted how she did cause she is super embarrassed. About having tries out being an escort at one point. I asked how often she receives gifts....she got one for Christmas and one for her birthday. So twice a year this guy sends her gifts. It does make me uncomfortable, but.....does that give me the right to tell her she can't receive them? I really don't know. Anyway, my familyvis taking her out to dinner tonight. I will be there too. I love her and I'm not sure why it has to be this way but I guess it does.....she has been very open with me about things and has not hidden things from me Albion suppose I will need to just let this go and get over it

[ConfusedBlueeyes]

Maybe it is just me, but why would she phone this guy up to thank him, if he still likes her, is she not leading him on? thats like giving him the go ahead to keep sending her gifts. Why does she still have his number? Something does not feel right here for me.

If you are truely embarrassed about what you use to do would you not want to do everything you can to forget the life you had, recieving gifts and phoning the guy up thanking him to me is not someone who is embarrassed and wanting to forget something, to me that is just remidning you of who this person is and what you use to do. Would you not be embarrassed to even call the guy up in the first place is it a one off call who knows

The fact she reacted the way she did by putting the phone down and trying to call you an hour later would myself make me wonder what is there to hide was she trying to get a story correct in her head.

Also if she felt creepy about doing what she was doing why would you then go to lunch with that person.

Edited April 11, 2013 by ConfusedBlueeyes

[JTB]

Maybe it is just me, but why would she phone this guy up to thank him, if he still likes her, is she not leading him on? thats like giving him the go ahead to keep sending her gifts. Why does she still have his number? Something does not feel right here for me.

If you are truely embarrassed about what you use to do would you not want to do everything you can to forget the life you had, recieving gifts and phoning the guy up thanking him to me is not someone who is embarrassed and wanting to forget something, to me that is just remidning you of who this person is and what you use to do. Would you not be embarrassed to even call the guy up in the first place is it a one off call who knows

The fact she reacted the way she did by putting the phone down and trying to call you an hour later would myself make me wonder what is there to hide was she trying to get a story correct in her head.

Also if she felt creepy about doing what she was doing why would you then go to lunch with that person.

 

That's how I felt.....and I told my friends and they told me I had to get out of this, that someone who loved me wouldn't hide things from me or get hostile when I ask simple questions. So, I did. ANd I really don't know if it was the right decision or not.

 

She said that she was just ashamed and worried that I would judge her for her past, and that is why she became so defensive. And she cried and begged me not to leave her. I wasn't mean about it at all. I told her I still love her, want only the best for her, but it made me so insecure the way she treated me when I asked about it I just needed space.

 

She says she hopes I come back to her after having time to think about it.

 

I don't know. I went from being in love 2 days ago to ending things over something stupid. I am probably a real *******. I think if I was less insecure about things, mahbe I could have not been so effected by her response, given her time to come to me about it, and been over it. But, I am not that secure. I felt like I needed to express my concerns and when she flipped out on me it confirmed fears in my head that something was wrong or that she didn't respect me.

 

There were other things at play in this relationship.....she had a history of flipping out on me over small things, and I expressed how much this hurt me but it still kept happening. But still....this was really what ruined it for me/us

Edited April 12, 2013 by JTB
I wanted to add more