Taking back a cheater

[jordjones]

It's been three weeks since I discovered she cheated. While cheating is always sneaky and cruel, her actions were particularly malicious (no need to go into details). When I found out, we were on our last day of vacation, and we had to drive 19 hours together back home - is God not cruel? I couldn't even look at her the whole way back. At the time, I was determined to never speak to her again, although I love her more than I've loved anyone before.

 

When we got home, the begging and pleading began. I didn't respond for three days, until she showed up on my front porch in tears. She swore she would change and do anything. I made a list of demands to even consider taking her back. Even though the list was strong, including her eliminating some friends from her life, she was OK with everything.

 

So, I took her back, and she has been a great girlfriend since. And while she has done absolutely nothing to arouse suspicion (and everything to try and make things right), not a day goes by where I don't think of what happened. I love her so much, yet I have nightmares of the same thing happening again.

 

I suppose I can wait it out somewhat longer. However, if this pain, if these flashbacks which replay in my head daily do not go away soon, I will have to make a quick, sudden departure. And that will be it. No contact forever. Yes, I love her. But I most also love myself.

[salparadise]

While cheating is always sneaky and cruel, her actions were particularly malicious (no need to go into details).

 

However, if this pain, if these flashbacks which replay in my head daily do not go away soon, I will have to make a quick, sudden departure. And that will be it. No contact forever. Yes, I love her. But I most also love myself.

 

Perhaps you should go into detail about what happened and how you found out. Maybe in writing it out for everyone to see you will come to some understanding regarding who she is and how much she really cares for you.

 

So you took her back because she showed up crying on your doorstep? If she has asked, who here would like to volunteer for another round of extreme emotional abuse and degradation, would you have raised your hand?

 

I don't think it's likely that those flashbacks are going away anytime soon, as least not as long as you're trusting your emotional health and well being to her.

[Darren Steez]

You leave out details and details are important. How was she malicious? You use a word malicious that signifies pretty dire behaviour..on top of the cheating. What happened?

 

and dude..you caved bad..three days?

[nonameforme]

It's been three weeks since I discovered she cheated. While cheating is always sneaky and cruel, her actions were particularly malicious (no need to go into details). When I found out, we were on our last day of vacation, and we had to drive 19 hours together back home - is God not cruel? I couldn't even look at her the whole way back. At the time, I was determined to never speak to her again, although I love her more than I've loved anyone before.

 

When we got home, the begging and pleading began. I didn't respond for three days, until she showed up on my front porch in tears. She swore she would change and do anything. I made a list of demands to even consider taking her back. Even though the list was strong, including her eliminating some friends from her life, she was OK with everything.

 

So, I took her back, and she has been a great girlfriend since. And while she has done absolutely nothing to arouse suspicion (and everything to try and make things right), not a day goes by where I don't think of what happened. I love her so much, yet I have nightmares of the same thing happening again.

 

I suppose I can wait it out somewhat longer. However, if this pain, if these flashbacks which replay in my head daily do not go away soon, I will have to make a quick, sudden departure. And that will be it. No contact forever. Yes, I love her. But I most also love myself.

 

Oh dear. . . . getting over being cheated on takes MUCH longer than a mere 3 weeks. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. You are still in shock. Maybe I am just really sensitive, or maybe it is because I'm was married (and we had a child), but it took a good three years for me to be able to truly put the trauma of being cheated on and really give my husband a fresh start. And he was incredibly remorseful and changed everything in his life to make it work. Even so, using the phrase "fresh start" isn't completely accurate, because I don't think you ever forget how badly it hurts for a loved one to betray you like that. I don't know how long you've been together, but I'm sure it plays a role as well.

You say she cheated on you in a malicious way. I don't know exactly what that means, but I think it may mean something that's not so good about her. No one is infallible, all human beings can make stupid mistakes, but if her cheating was more than just her being completely selfish and only thinking of herself (eg. if she did it out of spite or to "get even" with you for something), then I think you may want to just walk away. I'm sorry, but take it from someone who has been through it--we stayed together initially because of our child and the long history we had (we had been together for 14 years). I'm glad we stuck with it, but those three years of struggle were awful. My husband and I both look back on that period of time and agree that we're glad it worked out but neither one of us (knowing what it takes to get through it) could put ourselves through that again.

I would think very long and hard before reconciling with this woman. I do feel very sorry for what you're going through, and I'm sure you love her, and she may love you, but she's got some issues and maybe it's best (at least for the time being) to walk away.

Good luck to you!

[sunbeach200]

Cheating is not a mistake! It is a choice!!

The only mistake here is to confuse those two terms... She didn't mistakenly cheat...she chose to cheat... BIG difference!

 

I totally agree. Cheating is never a mistake. My partner blamed his ONS on the AP because "she knew that she had a hold on him". Rubbish

 

Anyway he has leanrt now that his cheating came from an insecurity from himself and no one else.

 

OP three weeks is far too early to take her back. You are in shock and very confused. A simple relationship has turned complicated unexpectantly. You cannot make any clear decisions at this moment. Please give yourself some time to heal because you will be a roller coaster of emotions for a while.

I certainly was when my partner confessed to me. I could not function for the first three weeks and I battled with sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy etc etc.

 

It didn't matter how much my partner wanted me back.... the begging, pleading, promises still didn't take away the horror of his betrayal. It excruciatingly hurt to think that he had sex with another woman when he was declaring his undying love to me at the same time.

 

It took another five months until I decided to take him back. On my terms too. Told him that we were to do couple councelling to make sure that he is ready for a committed relationship. The councelling has been a great help to both our healing.

 

Eight months later and we are getting back on track. I don't have those flashbacks anymore and I am willing to trust him again. I doubt he would cheat again because of the hurt it caused me and worse of all to himself.

 

My advise would be to let her go for a while. She needs to really understand the consequences of cheating.

 

Work on getting yourself emotionally better.Disengage from her. Take her off this pedestule because she is not worth loving at this precise moment. Remind yourself that you deserve love and respect from your partner and NOTHING less!

 

Then think about getting back together when you are mentally strong again.How ever long it takes. If she is genuinely remorseful then she will be waiting for you. Who knows, you may not want her back.

Edited April 11, 2013 by sunbeach200

[ChessPieceFace]

It's been three weeks since I discovered she cheated. While cheating is always sneaky and cruel, her actions were particularly malicious (no need to go into details). When I found out, we were on our last day of vacation, and we had to drive 19 hours together back home

 

Whose car is it? If it's your car I think you should have closely examined whether you really "had" to drive her back.

[nonameforme]

Cheating is not a mistake! It is a choice!!

The only mistake here is to confuse those two terms... She didn't mistakenly cheat...she chose to cheat... BIG difference!

 

Let me clear up what I said. . . cheating is a mistake but it is also the choice that someone who is acting completely selfish and thinking only of themselves make. I never meant to imply that it was accidental or not preventable.

Cheating can be described by both words "mistake" and "choice"--they aren't mutually exclusive in my opinion. And yes, sometimes people make really bad choices that are also mistakes. I know in my life, I've done things that I wish I hadn't (not cheating, but things that I sincerely regretted because I was being an idiot).

Believe me, I am the last person to defend cheating--I think it's beyond disgusting. But I also understand that people are not always perfect. I was willing to try to forgive (and it was extremely hard), but I also respect someone's choice to end a relationship after they've been cheated on. It's really up to the person who was betrayed and how they feel about it. OP will have to make up his own mind about this and only he will be able to decide whether or not it was the right decision.

[Darren Steez]

Nothing wrong with liking someone or being sexually attracted to someone and wanting to sleep with them..

unless you're with a partner, then you first get a divorce or break up then do whatever the heck you want.

 

It's not a mistake..it's a moral choice to spit in someones face and trample on their heart with deceit.

[drifter777]

...not a day goes by where I don't think of what happened. I love her so much, yet I have nightmares of the same thing happening again.

 

I suppose I can wait it out somewhat longer. However, if this pain, if these flashbacks which replay in my head daily do not go away soon, I will have to make a quick, sudden departure. And that will be it. No contact forever. Yes, I love her. But I most also love myself.

 

Prepare to depart because if not a day goes by without having the disgusting mind movies of her and the other guy, they're not going away anytime soon. I struggled with daily mind movies for a year or so, then 2 or 3 per week for another 10 years, and even 20+ years later those thoughts crash into my head a few times per month. Since you aren't married and don't have kids, why on earth would you put yourself through this hell? Walk away now.

[nonameforme]

I think this comes down to my semantics versus the semantics of those of you who think using the word "mistake" is inappropriate. We all seem to agree that cheating is disgusting, selfish and wrong. You can argue with my selection of words, but at the end of the day, I also think cheating is a despicable, disgusting, selfish, heartless and cruel (the list could go on forever) thing to do to someone you are supposed to love, honor and protect.

I think a lot of people who cheat end up regretting their choice to do so, hence my use of the word "mistake". I'm not saying "making a mistake" is the same as "accidentally cheating" (there is no such thing as that in my eyes), but I do think it's possible to regret making a crappy and selfish choice that hurts someone who loves you.

 

No one is perfect, and I'm not saying that to excuse the behavior, I'm just saying that it is possible for someone to wish they had made a different decision than the one they did.

 

Here is the Oxford dictionary definition of "mistake"

Definition of mistake

noun

an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong: (emphasis mine)

 

And here is the Oxford dictionary definition of "choice"

Definition of choice

noun

an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities

 

I just don't understand why the word "mistake" has upset so many people, but this is my last post about it.

Edited April 11, 2013 by nonameforme

[love1336x]

Do what's you feel best in your heart.

Never sacrifice your happiness for a cheater. ever.

Your heart needs to heal from betrayal from no matter how kind && wonderful she is being.

Give it couple months and then talk to her again. If you feel you can't then don't.

[MYCluciferase]

Jordjones.. no comeback, no extra information on the 'malicious' part of the cheating?

 

Going without that info, it seemed like you loved this woman enough to think you could be back with her, and she seems to have really regretted the cheating and is making an effort to resume the relationship.

- So what you're saying now is that your memory and imagination about that incident is causing you trauma, and may cause you to just give up on your GF?

If you really want to put the issue behind you, you guys should talk, and maybe you need to say that you're having problems forgiving, although initially you thought you could.

 

Maybe you'll find a way to talk it out, maybe just discussing it will help. Although your GF did the crying and begging thing (that didn't impress me), the fact that she seems to be working hard to make things good is in her favour. It seems a shame to just walk away without giving it a talking over.

I can relate to the 'have to love myself' thing, but maybe there's something she can do to make you feel better about it all?

 

I don't know, I just always think that it's best to break up properly, if you're going to, rather than just disappear (- I had one girlfriend who irritated me so much I finished with that way, and then she then just kept after me and wouldn't go away until she had it all explained and got closure - turned into a big deal when it needn't have).