! Don't want to ruin this exciting LDR with my anxiety?

[MonPaw]

Hello everyone,

 

I have been in an exciting LDR for 4 months and a half. There's been ups and downs, but my sexy, tough on the outside, sensitive on the inside latino marine boyfriend (yes) has been really amazing. Sure there were times we disagreed, thanks to my goal of asserting myself more in my relationships, but he has always been respectful of what I said even if he disagreed.

 

My issue is I overthink things in relationships, let alone LDR's. It doesn't matter if the guy would be 100% perfect for me, I still would overanalyze things to a tee. This is the first seemingly healthy relationship I've been in, even though it's long distance. But still I overthink. I have anxiety issues in general, and I waver from extreme trust to extreme distrust. I don't want this to ruin my relationship. I kind of want a more objective opinion on my relationship and see what others think.

 

You see, my bf is a dominant guy. He is not controlling, though he definitely has a bit of a selfish streak in the sense that he really wants a lot more pictures and videos from me than he himself can give. He is a latino marine and works hard, from 5am to midnight almost every day and does not have the access to technology that I have, especially since he literally is in the middle of nowhere in the Amazon. It is crazy that I allowed myself this LDR in the first place, knowing my trust and anxiety issues, the cultural differences, the occasional language miscommunication, and knowing how I didn't have much face-to-face time with him (only 2 days no joke!). Somehow I feel safe to be me while I was with him and still do though I was was and still am scared. It's a very strange dichotomy....

 

I trust him in the sense that I can always rely on him when it counts, and that he is taking the relationship seriously. He always supports me, listens to my concerns about the relationship, compromises at least 90% of the time, always calls me back when I ask him too, pretty much always picks up the phone even when is busy, and has stopped many things I didn't like (though definitely has not over-compromised). We have similar values and feel excited about out future and our goals. I overall feel very comfortable to talk with him, that he won't disrespect my opinions even if he doesn't understand and won't raise his voice or say something to belittle me. He is also a great brother to his 6 sisters and great son.

 

But my greatest fear is that he will take advantage of me being nice to him because he is dominant and I am still quite submissive even though I am getting better at getting more assertive and even though he tries to reassure me. For example, even when he said ok to send the next photos and videos when I want to (even though he disagreed initially due to him waiting for me and him not being able to send anything due to technology and him knowing I am having a lot of free time right now), I still caved and told him I'll send them to him in a week, out of worry I have upset him. Even though he says straightforwardly what he likes and doesn't like, I'm afraid he sometimes holds in his disappointment. And I have a personal fear, he will blow up one day like my passive agressive ex of the past.

 

I am just scared of the future, when I should be focused on the present. Right now I don't have anything to do but worry because I am looking for a job with no luck ever since I came back from traveling. Ironically, he is one of the only people who calm me down through my hell of a lot of life stress! Once I get enough money I am planning to go there to Bolivia to see him once again.

 

When I stop worrying, I feel so good about him, but when I start nitpicking all the little things, I feel so bad....

 

Any thoughts? Advice? Help? Anything? Thank you!

[iouaname]

This is exactly what ruined my LDR. An LDR brings out a lot in you that would probably not otherwise be brought out in you. You can't see the person, be around the person, know what's going on with them all the time... it's tough and can make you insecure. The problem is that I would always try to DEAL with the issues, and eventually it drove my ex and I apart because he just felt like he didn't have the emotional reserve to put into the relationship any longer.

 

I know how hard it is to control it, but my suggestion is to learn from my mistakes and find someone else to confide in about certain insecurities, and journal about them. That's not to say that you shouldn't address issues with your ex - but a constant need to be assured WILL ruin the relationship.