Cheating while overseas.

[blockstud92]

Well how do I start this off? This is my first post. I am first of all 22yrs old, and work over seas on ships. I have a officer's position and doing very well for myself. I have been dating a girl for 2 and a half years, and she was my love. We have been dating since I was a sophmore in college. I would try to see her any time I had off, and make an effort to talk to her every waking minute. Recently after my past shipping expierience I think i have grown apart from her. Last year when I came back from a trip, I realized that I don't really care for her too much...She is my first serious girlfriend, and I am her first serious boyfriend. She is craazy in love, and attached to me. I don't think I feel the same. She does not have the same interests as me, and I just don't think we get along so well...The problem is my family doesn't care for her too much, but her family adores me and I am like a son already. Anyways...

I got a job with a shipping company and before I was going away I broke up with her...the next day i couldn't help myself because i felt so bad for her...She said her life was over and she was going to die. I gave in and asked her if she wanted to still stay together. We hung out for a week straight at her house before i left for my trip. I told her i loved her, but don't know anymore. Maybe i am afraid...anyways i have been away for 6 months now in southeast asia area. I keep in touch with her by email and skype when i can. She sends me overwhelming amounts of emails and is too attached. Recently i went to the philippines and met a girl there, who is going to college. I met her at a club, and i fell for her. I slept with the girl, and saw her for the next 5 days. We stayed in touch through email. The next port i was in, i flew back to the philippines and met her again for 5 days. I stayed at her house and I just had a blast. She fell for me and can't stop thinking about me....I think i may have gotten her pregnant too...Anyways, i am still talking to the girl back home, and the girl from the philippines has no idea that i am still dating back home...I don't know what to do whether to stay with my girl back home...move on? I'm so lost right now, being overseas is really tough for a guy...There are so many temptations over in southeast asia. I feel bad for everyone because i think i am going to break everyones heart. The reason the both fell for me because they thought i was a nice guy. I guess I am not... please help me in this tough situation...What would you do.

[ComeUpOutDaWahta]

Well you know what they say, right? Whatever happens out the border stays out the border! #YOLO

 

Just kidding. Kind of a dick move, and you're coming off as kind of a horrible person. Stop screwing around.

[blockstud92]

That doesn't really help me out that much...Can you give me some good advise. What should I do about this situation, it's all over whelming...Sometimes I just want to go back to my home town and relax with just my brothers.

[reaver]

Dump your girlfriend. Its not good to stay in a relationship with someone you dont care about. What you did was wrong, staying with her when you knew you didnt feel for her. How would you feel if a girl did that to you and said "I dont like him but I guess Ill continue to be his gf" ? It wouldnt feel good. You sound young so Im not gonna harp too much on it. Hopefully, just learn from this.

 

Date the girl from the Philippines. You sound into her. Its not fair to your current girlfriend. Do not commit and be her boyfriend unless you are sure you can be faithful to her as well.

 

If your girlfriend threatens to kill herself, do not fall for it. Honestly, if she does that you should tell her parents. I once worked at a crisis center and suicide threats should be taken seriously. You cannot be responsible for her happiness and she shouldnt expect you to. She is young too and she'll figure out she lived without you once before she will be fine. Its normal to feel awful after a breakup but most people get over heartbreak. Dont stay out of guilt.

 

Overseas military couples are very difficult to handle, esp. at such a young age where people have a hard time with stability in general. Just dont do this again.

 

Most people dont stay with their first loves

Edited April 11, 2013 by reaver

[blockstud92]

Thanks for the advise i appreciate it so much. It was very helpful... I think I keep making it worse by replying to my GF's emails and skype calls. I just can't say it over email and skype idk...The philippine girl is so beautiful and funny, and awesome, but I just can't see it panning out since i live all the way in NY. ITs a tricky situation...I am young and still have a lot of energy, not looking to really settle down...What if this girl is pregnant? How am i going to do this all...I think I should just go home. I feel like what happens if i start to miss my girlfriend, and she will never forgive me? What happens if i can't find someone who will love me that much again? What if i regret this whole thing...

[reaver]

Thanks for the advise i appreciate it so much. It was very helpful... I think I keep making it worse by replying to my GF's emails and skype calls. I just can't say it over email and skype idk...The philippine girl is so beautiful and funny, and awesome, but I just can't see it panning out since i live all the way in NY. ITs a tricky situation...I am young and still have a lot of energy, not looking to really settle down...What if this girl is pregnant? How am i going to do this all...I think I should just go home. I feel like what happens if i start to miss my girlfriend, and she will never forgive me? What happens if i can't find someone who will love me that much again? What if i regret this whole thing...

 

OK

1) Tell your GF over skype. Its the most respectable thing to do assuming you wont be home soon to see her in person. The longer you lead her on, the worse. People do break up through technology in the civilian world too by the way!!! but thats due to being cowardly. Since this is the only way you can communicate with her, its not cowardly.

 

2) if you dont think it will pan out, dont commit to the Philippines girl.

 

3) 22 is far too young to settle down so you are normal for feeling that way. You should be enjoying life, and travels, and not worrying about settling down and committing to a woman. 22 is too young for women as well. If you need sex, Id do casual sex (dating without commitment) since you cannot commit at this time. As long as you tell the next girl you dont want commitment but want sex, you are being honest and not hurting anyone.

 

4) You didnt use protection when you had sex? I cant give you any helpful advice on this since too much time has passed. Do NOT do it again! You do not want to be a father so always use birth control. Nothing wrong with sex as long as you protect yourself.

 

5) Dont go home over this. Unless you really want to, but it doesnt sound like it. A breakup isnt worth ruining your military career over.

 

6) If your girlfriend starts to miss you, which she will, dont lead her on. You can talk to her, everyobody is different about their rules when talking to exes, its up to you. but its prob better to give her space to heal after you break up with her. I generally think its not good to be friends after a breakup because the dumpee will always hold on false hope afterwards that youll get back together. Tell her you need your space and that you want her to heal and get over you. I had a guy dump me and continue to talk to me for months afterward. It hurt so much worse than the guy that dumped me and didnt play mindgames afterwards giving me false hope.

 

7) You are 22!!!! You will find love again!!! I promise. I know it feels awful, but you dont need a woman's love to be fulfilled in life and you have so much time ahead of you.

 

 

Do you have anybody you can talk to about this while you are over there? Any military buddies that are open with this stuff? I know the military culture doesnt foster expressing your emotions, but its not good to let this bottle up. Use your social support system over there. Military men have such a strong sense of community- use it to your advantage.

 

Also thank you for serving our country. I have family members that died in the military and I bless all that risk their lives for us everyday

Edited April 11, 2013 by reaver

[blockstud92]

I know not to cheat, but being away for so long is difficult...I am probably just going to end it. My girl back home is just the nicest girl in the world...i must be the worst person in the world. I do feel bad about it, but it does make me realize that i guess i never should have gotten back with her...those girl tears just get to me every time. The Philippine girl is smoking and i never been with a girl out of my league that is amazing funny, and interesting. She makes me smile alot, but it just doesn't seem practical...she is laid back though and knows that i am young and has a past....she is deff not stupid and knows what sailors are capable of.

[SoleMate]

I think you're actually merchant marine/commercial, right? Oh well, not terribly germane.

 

It is common for people who form pseudo-marriage relationships at a young age, before they've really had any other serious relationships, to become restless. Sounds like that has happened. No point being committed so young and especially since you aren't really committed at heart. Then it got worse as you became a cheater as well. So here's what to do:

 

1) Break up with the gf, one way or another. You're broken up in your heart, you should do her the courtesy of being honest so she can move on. YES, she will cry and be very sad, and may blame you, and you will feel terrible. Stick with it, don't waver. The kindest thing you can do is to let her go.

 

2) Don't ever have unprotected sex ever again until you and your wife want a baby. Condoms used very carefully and correctly) are a bare minimum. Any woman you have sex with should also be using her own method as well (pill, Depo-Provera, Norplant, whatever). The stakes are just too high to take chances.

 

3) Figure out if the Philippine girl is pregnant and, with the help of a lawyer, how much child support you will owe. I don't see any realistic way for you to have a greater role than financial support, unfortunately.

 

4) As long as you spend substantial time travelling in Asia, just give up on the idea of a serious Stateside gf. It doesn't make any sense for a 22-year-old world traveller to be tied down like Ward Cleaver.

 

5) As you roam the world and meet young women, have fun, stay safe, avoid the crazies and treat everyone right. Don't lead women on with false promises and correct and misapprehensions as soon as you suspect them.

[blockstud92]

I think you're actually merchant marine/commercial, right? Oh well, not terribly germane.

 

It is common for people who form pseudo-marriage relationships at a young age, before they've really had any other serious relationships, to become restless. Sounds like that has happened. No point being committed so young and especially since you aren't really committed at heart. Then it got worse as you became a cheater as well. So here's what to do:

 

1) Break up with the gf, one way or another. You're broken up in your heart, you should do her the courtesy of being honest so she can move on. YES, she will cry and be very sad, and may blame you, and you will feel terrible. Stick with it, don't waver. The kindest thing you can do is to let her go.

 

2) Don't ever have unprotected sex ever again until you and your wife want a baby. Condoms used very carefully and correctly) are a bare minimum. Any woman you have sex with should also be using her own method as well (pill, Depo-Provera, Norplant, whatever). The stakes are just too high to take chances.

 

3) Figure out if the Philippine girl is pregnant and, with the help of a lawyer, how much child support you will owe. I don't see any realistic way for you to have a greater role than financial support, unfortunately.

 

4) As long as you spend substantial time travelling in Asia, just give up on the idea of a serious Stateside gf. It doesn't make any sense for a 22-year-old world traveller to be tied down like Ward Cleaver.

 

5) As you roam the world and meet young women, have fun, stay safe, avoid the crazies and treat everyone right. Don't lead women on with false promises and correct and misapprehensions as soon as you suspect them.

Thanks alot this really helps me, im just scared but have to do what i have to do i guess...I am commercial shipping, merchant marine. 22 is just too young to have a girlfriend. I just feel like its going to get wierd...i am still friends with her friends, and my roomate of 4 years is her best friends brother so its not liike i will not see her around...

[blockstud92]

I need more support i can't do it...

[taiko]

I

3) Figure out if the Philippine girl is pregnant and, with the help of a lawyer, how much child support you will owe. I don't see any realistic way for you to have a greater role than financial support, unfortunately.

 

.

I don't believe the Philippines have such treaty arrangements with the US or the nations which flag commercial shipping. Any support will be informal and/or actually marrying the next time you get to the Philippines and standing up for your child. About 10% of the population works overseas and it is a normal thing in pinoy society for there to be a parent overseas for years and sending money back also the single parenthood rate has soared over the last generation so the child will bear little stigma even with ILLEGITIMATE in a big red stamp on his birth certificate.

[blockstud92]

I don't believe the Philippines have such treaty arrangements with the US or the nations which flag commercial shipping. Any support will be informal and/or actually marrying the next time you get to the Philippines and standing up for your child. About 10% of the population works overseas and it is a normal thing in pinoy society for there to be a parent overseas for years and sending money back also the single parenthood rate has soared over the last generation so the child will bear little stigma even with ILLEGITIMATE in a big red stamp on his birth certificate.

It seems alot of girls in the philippines have kids, and your right they are usually single parents or their SO is overseas working. So i am not intiltled to have to pay any sort of child support if this situation does arise? ANY ADVISE FOR ME ON MY SITUATION??!?

[venusianx13]

Your relationship with your gf is over. Whether she finds out now, through you, or later on her own (and she will)... consider it over.

 

I felt sick while reading your post because I was duped in the very same way a few years ago when my ex-fiancé went to study abroad in China for 3 months. We had a fight while he was there because he kept missing our Skype dates. Turns out he was seeing a Chinese girl he met there, and he never told her about me. I "ended it" with him because he was unreliable, and I was doing my best to maintain a connection to him and he didn't seem to care. It was only later that I found out about the girl. When I moved on and seeing other guys (he found out by stalking my social media profiles and through his mom telling him), and told me he was done with the other girl, had broken up with her, wanted only me - and asked me to wait for him. I stopped seeing other guys and waited (stupid!!) He never stopped seeing her, I found out ATF. Not only that, but he'd had unprotected sex with her and she thought she might be pregnant. (I found an open email from her one day on his laptop.) Nice.

 

Our relationship, for all intensive purposes, was over at that point. I stayed with him for a while longer because I felt bad for HIM. Funny, right? He made himself out to be a victim, cried and carried on that he wanted to marry me, made me loads of promises... but the truth of the matter? Our relationship was DEAD. I didn't want to be intimate with him, and started to slowly separate myself from him, emotionally. As for the girl in China, well, she actually wrote me. Told me everything. And she wrote him off.

 

Don't waste your own time by trying to juggle these two women. It's a lose-lose, no matter how you look at it. You've set your own fate now. And don't waste the time of these women - obviously you mean a lot more to them than they do to you. That's incredibly unbalanced and unfair. By lying, you disallow them to make good decisions for themselves. For me, that was the most sickening part of having been cheated on and lied to. I wasted 6 years of my 20's on a guy who wasn't worthy of me.

 

Sincerely, though, listen to your conscience. When you have a moment of clarity, muster all the courage you can and bow out of BOTH of these situations. It'll have to happen sooner or later, and by prolonging it, things will only end up more convoluted.

[taiko]

It seems alot of girls in the philippines have kids, and your right they are usually single parents or their SO is overseas working. So i am not intiltled to have to pay any sort of child support if this situation does arise? ANY ADVISE FOR ME ON MY SITUATION??!?

Since nobody can force you to do anything it is up to you to take care of any family you created as best you can. The entire moral challenge is upon you.

[SoleMate]

Youngnlove, the harsh criticism and especially the name calling are completely unhelpful. Likewise, animalover.

 

The OP needs help and is asking for help. We should only be posting with advice and help. "Stop cheating" is advice. "Cheating is very wrong and hurtful, so stop" is advice. "You are scum" is NOT advice.

 

To the OP, I don't know the legal situation re child support. It would probably be difficult for the mother to force you to pay CS. However, you really should take responsibility for the child regardless of whether you are legally forced.

Edited April 11, 2013 by SoleMate

[blockstud92]

Well i appreciate all of the advise... i realize i am young and stupid. Today my girl sends me a picture of tears because she thinks something is up...Followed up by a hundred emails saying i don't want to loose you, and i love you and stuff like taht...i haven't replied. The philippine girl is the greatest i have already sent her some money, but it doesn't look like its going to work out. she knows this, but just wants a baby, to have a baby,...She is not looking for a husband, and knows i am too young to establish anything. Especially in my field. She calls me "my love" but it is just a saying me and her have. She cares for me deeply, but i think she will be just fine without me and she has said this...she as a strong personality when it comes to guys...Anyways, how do i get over the fact of breaking up with my girlfriend back home and still being best friends with her friends and best friends brothers....i am going to have to see her again and interact...she is going to think that there is still something there...maybe there is...i haven't been home in a while...so maybe i do still love her...i care for her enough not to break her heart twice...i am so confused...her mom already tells her that i am going to break her heart. I really don't want to do it electronically...i wish i was back home to do it. i feel terrible, she is the best person/nicest person. but we are vastly different people.

[blockstud92]

My father was in your situation. He had an American fiancé he did not particularly want but his family told him to marry. While stationed over seas he met my mother. He didn't tell her what he had at home and was trying to figure out how to end. A fellow soldier who liked my mom told her.

 

He had to fight like crazy to get her back, and then he impregnated her. Thankfully my immature scared father learned to buck up and stop trying to please his family and put off hurting the girl who liked him so that he wasn't like countless American soldiers who left fatherless children in poverty near foreign us bases. He married my mother, they were together fifty years and had four children, I'm the last of them...

 

wow that is an amazing story! i think i am in a very similar situation right now. I feel like i don't know what my feelings are anymore though...How does he cope with his family now? does he still talk to them? What would have happened if he didn't choose your mom? How was your childhood? What does your father say about all of this?

[january2011]

Well how do I start this off? This is my first post. I am first of all 22yrs old, and work over seas on ships. I have a officer's position and doing very well for myself. I have been dating a girl for 2 and a half years, and she was my love. We have been dating since I was a sophmore in college. I would try to see her any time I had off, and make an effort to talk to her every waking minute. Recently after my past shipping expierience I think i have grown apart from her. Last year when I came back from a trip, I realized that I don't really care for her too much...She is my first serious girlfriend, and I am her first serious boyfriend. She is craazy in love, and attached to me. I don't think I feel the same. She does not have the same interests as me, and I just don't think we get along so well...The problem is my family doesn't care for her too much, but her family adores me and I am like a son already. Anyways...

 

The girl in the Phillipines is a red herring.

 

Your first paragraph tells you everything you need to know:

 

• you think you have "grown apart from her"
  
• you "don't really care for her too much"
  
• you don't think you "feel the same"
  
• she "does not have the same interests"
  
• you don't think you "get along so well"
  
• your "family doesn't care for her too much"
  

Break up with her. There's no point in carrying on like this. You don't think much of her. She deserves to be set free so that she can find someone who truly loves her. She'll hate you for it and might try the emotional blackmail again, but neither of you can be happy while staying in this relationship. And she'll just grow more insecure and needy while you grow more resentful and contemptuous.

 

As for the girl in the Philippines - good luck with the LDR. It sounds like you might need it.

 

Edit: go to the doctor with the girl from the Phillipines - get the pregnancy confirmed. Then decide what you are going to do.

Edited April 12, 2013 by january2011

[blockstud92]

Well here is an update....The philippine girl is not pregnant, she just had her period yesterday. The girl back home is rediculously attached and still won't let me go...she says she won't break up until i come back and see her...she invited me to a wedding and a concert this summer in June. What the heck? i have been keeping quiet for the past few days and have been kind of ignoring her. What do i do?

[blockstud92]

i hope someone can still help me i broke it off with both of them.

[Trimmer]

i hope someone can still help me i broke it off with both of them.

As long as you actually broke it off with both of them - unambiguously, in a way where they know you broke it off with each of them - then it sounds like you've helped yourself.

 

On the other hand, if you were wishy-washy, telling your GF that you need "a break" or "some time apart", or "some space", then you almost certainly haven't reached a meeting of the minds. Unless you are very, very clear, what you think of as "breaking it off" may not translate through to her.

[Eggplant]

i hope someone can still help me i broke it off with both of them.

Good job! This was what needed to be done. Breaking up with somebody is one of the hardest things. You are a mature adult. Everybody will heal, and it will get better. Wish you well.

[PrayingDaily]

Good advice? Ok, first dump the girl back home. She deserves a better man and her pain will I only increase the longer you keep her tethered to you. As for girl #2....is she pregnant?!?! If so man up and start focusing on being a dad! Tell #1 & #2 the TRUTH! It will suck bad and hurt like hell but they both deserve to know. Worry about keeping your pants zipped up and evaluate the boy you are now vs the man I hope you want to become. You seem like this is bothering you (though you still do it) but that means you have great potential to grow into something better. Please find out if you're going to be a dad and (if so) make the baby your only concern!!!

[PrayingDaily]

Ok...I just went back and saw she's not prego!!! Thank God! Now let them both go and fix you before you wreck another chick! You can choose to be a GREAT man!

[blockstud92]

She isn't pregnant thank god. i am deff not ready for that yet...as for wishy washy, i may still feel wishy washy. Thanks everyone.