I don't know how to deal with this

[Megan]

Hi there. I'm a little bit nervous doing this, but I don't really know where else to turn right now. I hope this won't be too long, but I could really use some good advice.

 

I am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with a very recent event in my life. I am feeling things that I have never felt before, and I don't know what to do.

 

I had the most wonderful boyfriend. He was extremely loving, very affectionate, very attentive, everything that i'd ever wanted in a person. He's good looking, smart and very thoughtful. He never once put me down or treated me wrong in the relationship. That is, until he broke up with me over a month ago. He was having a lot of trouble dealing with something petty to do with me (i never hurt him or offended him though). it was something that i did a few months before we got together. he knew it shouldn't have bothered him because we weren't together then, but it did. he knew from the start about this petty thing. He said he would stick it out in himself to try and not worry about it, but he just couldn't. He is the kind of person who makes mountains out of molehills.

 

Anyway, he bothered himself so much about it, ruminated etc for months and months and months. Then he broke up with me because he felt he was being stupid and naive but couldn't understand why he let it bother him so much. I had never been so shocked in my life. I would not have seen this coming for the life of me.

 

I am so hurt by this. We never fought, we were so incredibily close, so alike, and i felt like i was the luckiest girl to have him. he always made me feel like such a princess, treated me like a queen and gave me everything I needed and wanted - until this. I know he loved me deeply through all his words and actions during the relationship. And i know he still loves me.

 

What is cutting me up so badly now, is that in a very short space of time after we split, he started to see another person. One of my close friends who has known him for years, said that he knows what he had in me, but he took the easy way out to avoid having to deal with problems and thinks the easiest thing for him is to have a relationship without having to think things like he did with me. My friend thinks what he did to me was very wrong and is very shocked because he knows how highly my ex thought of me.

 

Now I am tearing myself apart over the thought of him being intimate with someone else and him giving to someone else what he gave to me emotionally and materially etc (if he is, I don't know). But the intimacy thing is really hurting me so much. Is this normal to feel like this? It is really upsetting me.

 

All my friends, male and female, think he is an idiot. They all tell me how beautiful I am, that I'm funny, I'm smart, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I really don't want a guy to want me because of my looks, and I know he didn't. He was so rapt in me as a person, but couldn't get past his other thoughts.

 

The events of the last month came as a complete and total shock. Am I still in shock do you think?

 

He knew how happy he made me and how much our relationship meant to me. He always told me that from day 1 he's felt like the luckiest guy on earth. All he ever did was praise me. It's just really hard because he couldn't find the strength of mind to get over something that I never did to him. I don't know if he was scared or what.

 

My mind is very confused right now. I'm having problems with him and intimacy, and I've even started to wonder if he's lied to me before we broke up, although everyone who knows him doesn't think he would have. I think I'm messing my own mind up here more each day out of this confusion and pain. I hate that he let something blow out of proportion in his head and ruin such an incredible relationship.

 

I would be so grateful for any advice to help me handle this better. Thank you to all who read this.

[Tony T]

What you are feeling now is absolutely normal and what your boyfriend did to you is not unheard of.

 

Evidentally, whatever you did...which was none of his business and which should not have been disclosed to him...weighed heavily on his mind over the term of the relationship and finally just overtook his ability to cope. But that is very much his problem. Everything works out just the way it's supposed to, even though it may hurt at the time.

 

Churning thoughts through your mind constantly, analyzing his previous behavior, thinking about things he said and did...good or bad, doing a major number on your mind, are things you should try to cease. Obsessing with your loss only retards the healing process. A little bit of that is OK but you will NEVER EVER figure out exactly what was going through his head so don't try to.

 

Likewise, thinking about what he is doing now, who he is with, is just not being very kind to yourself and highly unproductive. Who he is with, what he is doing, everything about him is totally and completely irrelevant at this time. To think about this now and then for a second or two is normal...but, again, obsessing about it serves no purpose whatsoever and is not being nice to yourself.

 

Right now, you are still wanting to hold on to this guy in your mind. It's really hard to let go of someone you once loved. But, in time, you won't even give him a second thought.

 

You sound like a great catch and there's someone out there who's exactly right for you. I urge you as a practical matter not to discusss your personal past in detail with guys you date in the future. It's simply too personal and none of their concern or business. We have had a rash of those types of problems on this forum in the past few days...must be the alignment of the planets or something.

 

Go through your healing process, reaquaint yourself with old friends, stay busy, do take some time for your own meditation and thoughts...but don't overdo it. You probably are in a bit of shock now but you'll be just fine. This whole thing came about very suddenly...while things were going very well. I've heard of similar situations before but not very often. It is absolutely bizarre to have someone suddenly display behavior that you never thought they would be capable of. It's much like watching a horror picture and being terrified when the unexpected happens very suddenly.

 

Things like this take some time to get over. Take as much time as you need to get your spirits back, to regain your ability to trust and one day you will feel you are ready to get out and meet guys again. Don't date before you feel absolutely ready.

 

If you like to read, there are many books in your better bookstores that give comfort and techniques for getting over the hurt and pain of a loss. Also, I urge you to get The Prophet, by Kahil Gibran...it's a classic written many years ago, very easy to read. Be sure to browse the sections on love, friendship and marriage. The other subjects are great reading as well and will get you thinking and help you heal.

 

Meanwhile, be kind and gentle to yourself and do things that will make you happy. I wish there were words I could write to make you feel better but there are none. Recovery from hurt is brought on only with time and we can't move time any faster.

 

I really do love a lady who writes as clearly as you do and who paces her writing in nice, neat little paragraphs that are so easy to read. With that ability, you will have thousands of men after you...when you are ready. But, then again, if you don't like to be loved for your looks, you probably are equally repulsed at being loved for your writing style.

[Megan]

Thanks for responding so quickly, Tony.

 

I've been scrolling through some of these posts and the past does seem to be somewhat of an issue of late. It's a shame people let what they have NOW become tainted by what someone did ONCE (before they met is what gets to me).

 

But I'm a firm believer that everything we have done is something to learn from and shapes us into who we are now. And no one has the right to judge a person for something they did before they were on the scene. I suppose my situation will make me stronger. I really hope so.

 

As for my writing style? Hey, that will last a lot longer than my looks if my health permits. What I really meant to say, is I appreciate my friends saying that to me, but I just don't like superficial guys. Of course looks play a part in the initial attraction, but I will not be with a guy who thinks I am a handbag, not a person, and can't see past looks (if you know what I mean). My ex never treated me like that, but I know which guys to steer clear of. So I don't mind if in the future, a guy says, "Hey, I like your looks, but I like your writing style even better!".

 

Thanks again, and I think I will read some books for some logical and rational insight.

[Nic]

what you are feeling is totally normal. love does hurt, but we all go through it at some stage in our lives, and through varying degrees of intensity.

 

when something so unexpected happens, it hits you a lot harder than it would if, for instance, you were having problems. but maybe he was afraid of the love between you becoming soured or tarnished by his thoughts, and couldn't bear that to happen. and it's unfortunate that he didn't have the strength of mind to overcome this, but even that says a lot. if he can't overcome something that you say is petty, how would he handle a really big problem? he'd still run. and he will always have a relationship problem of some sort, and it's his problem that he can't deal with things. my guess is he will always act this way, because that's who he is. so you're better off in the long run.

 

try not to obsess over him with someone else. that is very unhealthy, and almost everyone out there will love someone at one stage who is with someone else. it is natural to feel like this, but it is not healthy to obsess over it. this will diminish in time. he could be trying to compensate for what he had with you, but it will not work. it's still way too fresh for him to be able to handle another relationship maturely without any hang ups. and don't read into things, because you'll only mess your mind up more over things that probably weren't there anyway.

 

be thankful you had such a wonderful relationship and things didn't turn sour. you know you won't settle for second best now, because you know what you want to make you happy because you've had it.

 

you will handle this in time. i know that sounds cliched, but you can't expect anything less.

 

i'm sure this guy knows what he had in you. he just thought he was doing the right thing by you, even if you don't feel that same way. you sound like a very lovely girl. and you will find someone oneday who will treat you like he did, but who will also have the guts to not run. you seem to have a lot going for you, so just take each day in your stride, and know that you will find that happiness again oneday, when you are ready.

 

Hi there. I'm a little bit nervous doing this, but I don't really know where else to turn right now. I hope this won't be too long, but I could really use some good advice. I am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with a very recent event in my life. I am feeling things that I have never felt before, and I don't know what to do. I had the most wonderful boyfriend. He was extremely loving, very affectionate, very attentive, everything that i'd ever wanted in a person. He's good looking, smart and very thoughtful. He never once put me down or treated me wrong in the relationship. That is, until he broke up with me over a month ago. He was having a lot of trouble dealing with something petty to do with me (i never hurt him or offended him though). it was something that i did a few months before we got together. he knew it shouldn't have bothered him because we weren't together then, but it did. he knew from the start about this petty thing. He said he would stick it out in himself to try and not worry about it, but he just couldn't. He is the kind of person who makes mountains out of molehills. Anyway, he bothered himself so much about it, ruminated etc for months and months and months. Then he broke up with me because he felt he was being stupid and naive but couldn't understand why he let it bother him so much. I had never been so shocked in my life. I would not have seen this coming for the life of me. I am so hurt by this. We never fought, we were so incredibily close, so alike, and i felt like i was the luckiest girl to have him. he always made me feel like such a princess, treated me like a queen and gave me everything I needed and wanted - until this. I know he loved me deeply through all his words and actions during the relationship. And i know he still loves me. What is cutting me up so badly now, is that in a very short space of time after we split, he started to see another person. One of my close friends who has known him for years, said that he knows what he had in me, but he took the easy way out to avoid having to deal with problems and thinks the easiest thing for him is to have a relationship without having to think things like he did with me. My friend thinks what he did to me was very wrong and is very shocked because he knows how highly my ex thought of me. Now I am tearing myself apart over the thought of him being intimate with someone else and him giving to someone else what he gave to me emotionally and materially etc (if he is, I don't know). But the intimacy thing is really hurting me so much. Is this normal to feel like this? It is really upsetting me. All my friends, male and female, think he is an idiot. They all tell me how beautiful I am, that I'm funny, I'm smart, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I really don't want a guy to want me because of my looks, and I know he didn't. He was so rapt in me as a person, but couldn't get past his other thoughts. The events of the last month came as a complete and total shock. Am I still in shock do you think?

 

He knew how happy he made me and how much our relationship meant to me. He always told me that from day 1 he's felt like the luckiest guy on earth. All he ever did was praise me. It's just really hard because he couldn't find the strength of mind to get over something that I never did to him. I don't know if he was scared or what. My mind is very confused right now. I'm having problems with him and intimacy, and I've even started to wonder if he's lied to me before we broke up, although everyone who knows him doesn't think he would have. I think I'm messing my own mind up here more each day out of this confusion and pain. I hate that he let something blow out of proportion in his head and ruin such an incredible relationship. I would be so grateful for any advice to help me handle this better. Thank you to all who read this.

[kalik]

Megan,, no one can truly understand why people do what they do. I loved the one I loved, but she simply doesn't love me back. Erin was wonderful, but I have come to terms to the fact that if she loved me she would at least let me know that she missed me. She would make some effort.

 

Our ex's may simply be too headstrong and stubborn to realize what a loving and strong relationship means. Hang with your friends and family, look to them and God for advice. Pray if need be. I take comfort in the fact that if she really loved me, she wouldn't put me through this. Everything happens for a reason. You can't make someone love you. Erin doesn't love me. I was just another one in the string. Maybe you weren't. But listgen to this...

 

YOU COME FIRST...

 

you are the most important thing in your life

 

good luck and god bless

 

I hope this helps

 

Jeremy

[Nic]

you're very right, megan. it's HIS LOSS that he couldn't see you as someone who has been moulded into the person you are now from your experiences. he probably knows that, but you must believe that it is HIS LOSS. his friends did say he was an idiot didn't they?.......

 

you sound like you have your head screwed on, and i think you will get through this just fine. there will always be someone out there who will treat you better than the last person. and don't you have a fantabulous guy on the waiting list!

 

Thanks for responding so quickly, Tony. I've been scrolling through some of these posts and the past does seem to be somewhat of an issue of late. It's a shame people let what they have NOW become tainted by what someone did ONCE (before they met is what gets to me). But I'm a firm believer that everything we have done is something to learn from and shapes us into who we are now. And no one has the right to judge a person for something they did before they were on the scene. I suppose my situation will make me stronger. I really hope so. As for my writing style? Hey, that will last a lot longer than my looks if my health permits. What I really meant to say, is I appreciate my friends saying that to me, but I just don't like superficial guys. Of course looks play a part in the initial attraction, but I will not be with a guy who thinks I am a handbag, not a person, and can't see past looks (if you know what I mean). My ex never treated me like that, but I know which guys to steer clear of. So I don't mind if in the future, a guy says, "Hey, I like your looks, but I like your writing style even better!".

 

Thanks again, and I think I will read some books for some logical and rational insight.

[...]

what exactly did u do thats bugging him

 

its petty to u but may not be for him.

[Megan]

Thanks Jeremy. That has crossed my mind, "If you love me so much, why did you have to hurt me?". It's as though once they make up their minds, that is it, regardless of anything else.

 

It's comforting to know someone knows how I feel. We all share the same pain at some stage in our lives don't we?

 

I think we'd go crazy trying to understand someone elses head. The fact is, we won't, but I know there will come a time in the future, when it won't matter to me anymore. I'd like it be far down the future now, but I have no choice other than to accept this and hopefully become wiser and stronger through this pain.

 

You are right - we are the most important. We have to look after ourselves before we can look after anyone else. That's why I think I will take some time before I start dating again. I would rather be lonely for a while than get involved with someone for all the wrong reasons. Because I don't want to hurt anyone else and myself in the process.

 

Thanks Jeremy, you did help.

Megan,, no one can truly understand why people do what they do. I loved the one I loved, but she simply doesn't love me back. Erin was wonderful, but I have come to terms to the fact that if she loved me she would at least let me know that she missed me. She would make some effort. Our ex's may simply be too headstrong and stubborn to realize what a loving and strong relationship means. Hang with your friends and family, look to them and God for advice. Pray if need be. I take comfort in the fact that if she really loved me, she wouldn't put me through this. Everything happens for a reason. You can't make someone love you. Erin doesn't love me. I was just another one in the string. Maybe you weren't. But listgen to this... YOU COME FIRST... you are the most important thing in your life good luck and god bless I hope this helps Jeremy

[Megan]

A few years back, when I was young and naive, I had my boyfriend. When he broke up with me, I was very messed up. I would go out and drink to try and cope, and I had a rebound fling with someone I'd met a few times. I got scared, I left the 'fling' and had two casual flings within the space of about 3 months. I was very much insecure and didn't know what I wanted - "I want the company of a male, but do I want a relationship or will I handle brief interludes better if there are no strings attached" was basically what I wasn't sure about at the time.

 

This was before I met my last boyfriend, but he seemed to have a problem with the fleeting casualness of it, and moreover, the sex. Since I met my last boyfriend, I knew what I wanted, but I think he finds it a bit baffling that someone like myself who really knows what they want, did that. Sometimes we search for things in the wrong places, but that is how we learn.

 

But, that is my point. I am who I am now because of what I have learnt. I don't think he ever fully understood he has nothing to feel threatened about. I found in him what I was looking for, but he still felt insecure.

what exactly did u do thats bugging him its petty to u but may not be for him.

[Nic]

tony, you're right. it's either the way the planets are aligned, something in the water that these guys are drinking, or something in the air that doesn't get up girls noses.

 

or perhaps everything that's been posted about this issue has made people feel comfortable enough to admit they've been there too. and now it's coming out in full force.

 

i wonder what would happen if we started another topic titled, "my boyfriend made love to my father and now he's after the family dog". hmmm, somehow i don't think there'd be many of those around. and even if there was, that would be reserved for ricki lake.

 

lets just hope that if it is the planets, the water, or the air, that issues of the past are the most dramatic effect it has on people. it's just a lot more common than i would have thought, unfortunately.

A few years back, when I was young and naive, I had my boyfriend. When he broke up with me, I was very messed up. I would go out and drink to try and cope, and I had a rebound fling with someone I'd met a few times. I got scared, I left the 'fling' and had two casual flings within the space of about 3 months. I was very much insecure and didn't know what I wanted - "I want the company of a male, but do I want a relationship or will I handle brief interludes better if there are no strings attached" was basically what I wasn't sure about at the time. This was before I met my last boyfriend, but he seemed to have a problem with the fleeting casualness of it, and moreover, the sex. Since I met my last boyfriend, I knew what I wanted, but I think he finds it a bit baffling that someone like myself who really knows what they want, did that. Sometimes we search for things in the wrong places, but that is how we learn. But, that is my point. I am who I am now because of what I have learnt. I don't think he ever fully understood he has nothing to feel threatened about. I found in him what I was looking for, but he still felt insecure.

[Tony T]

my boyfriend made love to my father and now he's after the family dog"

[Nic]

why do i always seem to see the ambiguity (or perhaps innuendo)in comments:

Was pretty good but the dog wasn't very happy in the end.

...that all depends which end the boyfr - uh huh. nuff said for now.

[Deejette]

I'm to the point where I want to slap every guy silly who can't get over the fact that his girlfriend had a life before she met him. This stupid obsession over some past fling is so idiotic, I can't make any sense out of it at all!

 

It is unloving, rigid, and self-righteous judgementalness that makes me hope that these guys will receive the same cruelty and rejection that they are inflicting.

why do i always seem to see the ambiguity (or perhaps innuendo)in comments: ...that all depends which end the boyfr - uh huh. nuff said for now.

[Nic]

I know how you feel deejette. you're right - it's merely a stupid obsession and nonsensical.

 

there's been way too much of it in this forum lately, and i think it is cruel to punish someone for their past. it is unjust, narrow-minded and downright judgmental.

 

i will join you in slapping these guys. i hope oneday they realise what they had in these girls, and hopefully by then it will be too late. sucked into the close minded pigs if it happens.

I'm to the point where I want to slap every guy silly who can't get over the fact that his girlfriend had a life before she met him. This stupid obsession over some past fling is so idiotic, I can't make any sense out of it at all! It is unloving, rigid, and self-righteous judgementalness that makes me hope that these guys will receive the same cruelty and rejection that they are inflicting.