Non-disclosure of infos about past: Hindering the trust?

[Auguria]

Let's talk about TRUST in a relationship!

Now, we will pretty much all agree that trust is one of the most important factors in a relationship.

 

-However, do you guys think that non-disclosure of information about your past is ground for suspicion?

 

Okay, so let's take an hypothetical scenario. :

 

-You have a bf/gf that you met through a friend. He/She seems to be terribly into you, calls you "the one", shows deep respect, care, affection for your well-being. All in all, he/she says he/she is in love with you and a relationship blossoms.After a couple of months, the talk about past flames emerges. You are deeply honest, sincere and transparent about your past, affirm your morals, views on sex and relationships. Your bf/gf seems, on the other hand, not entirely on board about talking of his/her past; " it will bring nothing good", you hear him/her say. You learn that he/she did not have important and deep relationships throughout college, dated/hung out and had sex with a few girls/men ( a "less than average number") but that these "relationships" lasted only for a few weeks at a time, and as such they are part of the past. He/She is still friendly with them. You affirm that you are not a jealous person, and you only ask these questions in order to see if your views are compatible. Your trust in your partner is infallible.

 

- Throughout the months you meet some of his/her friends, not necessarily through him, you respect them and even spark conversations and sympathize with them (male and female). You are given the impression that the friends of the opposite gender are simply platonic friends, as your bf/gf tells you stories of these opposite gender friends calling him/her and complaining about their doomed relationships, your bf/gf provides and receives emotional support from them. Again, your trust in your partner is infallible.

 

- You learn a few months later that at least two of these opposite gender friends are past hookups of your bf/gf. The omission of such information signifies that these women/men are not part of the past as initially thought, but very much part of the present. You don't understand why the real dynamics of their past dating/friendly history have been willingly hidden from you and for what reason. You have been sincere, honest, transparent and you learn that you have not received the same treatment. Your bf/gf explains that " it is part of the past, didn't work out between us, we are just friends". Yet, it feels like a complete betrayal as you interacted with these women/men believing that there was no past/present sexual and emotional tension with your bf/gf and now, the reality, is that there was (maybe still is) and that it was hidden from you. Although you are still certain of the love that your bf/gf harbors for you, the non-disclosure of such information hinders the trust.

 

- What do you guys think about this notion that when it comes to past relationships and to the extent that these past flames are still part of your present, your partner needs to be aware of the dynamics?

- To some extent, the answers to the previous question might be in line with how one's feels about female/male friendships, especially after one has had a sexual relationship with said friend. So, how do you feel about this?

- Is lack of trust in the grounds of non-disclosure always about insecurities?

 

I'll tend to give my impressions as the discussion progresses.

 

Cheers,

Edited April 11, 2013 by Auguria

[salparadise]

I think broad generalizations don't work here. People have differing preferences and levels of comfort when it comes to disclosure of their history. If two people are different, it doesn't make one right and the other wrong–– unless they are intentionally misleading and trying to present a false reality.

 

I think there may be some generational things to consider as well. Young folks tend to belong to social groups and date within the groups, whereas more mature people may tend to date people who have few or no friends in common. I can say that there seems to be no assumption among more mature folk that disclosure of a lot of detail is appropriate or desirable. For the younger people in social circles, I would think simply saying "she and I used to date" would be sufficient.

 

If a guy or girl is spending a lot of time with an opposite sex friend I'd see that as a red flag, and if there is history between them that was deliberately hidden it would be a huge red flag. I have no desire to try and be in a relationship with someone who keeps their ex's hanging around, and even less with someone who is deceptive about that or anything else. However, nondisclosure is not necessarily the same thing as deception.