Need a girls advice

[backspn]

I posted in here about 2 weeks ago and everyone in here has helped me so much! Me and my ex get along great but the fact that I dont feel like I matter in her life. Maybe I do but it doesnt feel like it. This month I am turning 28 and she is turning 20. We broke up 6 months ago and we have conversed every day until she moved into her dorm in college. She plays on a sports team at school and she says she has a lot of homework, so I know she is somewhat busy. I go to another college in the same town. I have seen her once since the break up and that was the week she moved down here into her dorm. She came over to my place to say hi and we hugged for what seemed forever and then she left. I have spoken to her every day since but usually for only 5 minutes at a time. I used to be her everything....we would talk on the phone for hours for the full 2 years we were together. I guess my question is ladies.....Do you think that I still matter to her? Am I reading too much into all of this? And do you think she still has feelings for me since she keeps in contact with me? I just want to be needed again. Any opinions would help.

[SoleMate]

College can be very time consuming. It can also be distracting, with all the new people, activities, etc.

 

We really can't guess about her feelings. The best thing to do is to try to get the information from her. In your shoes, I would be tempted just to ask her, in a calm way, if I was still important in her life. If she said Yes, I would ask for more time and attention from her. But you would have to be strong, and be ready to take an unfortuante response like a man.

 

Good luck.

[backspn]

I did ask her and she said that she does consider us to be close friends. She also said that I am forcing it too much.....what does that mean? She said that I need to let her breath. Do you think that no contact would work for a month or so or would it drive her away?

[SoleMate]

Forcing it too much means that you are getting too much in her face. I would take whatever you are doing, and cut it in thirds. Like if you are calling every day, switch to every third day. Then after a week or two, ask, "Do you have time to talk more often, or do you need a little more space?"

 

Women do liked to be chased somewhat - but only if she is encouraging you to keep chasing. Right now she is telling you to slow it down. So do so. In fact, you might want to game it a bit by slowing it down to a bit less contact than you think she wants.

 

Do you know the things that make a woman fall in love and stay in love? It's when a man understands and meets her most important emotional needs. Simple!

[ltomlinson81]

It sounds like she wants to be young and have fun in college with no strings or commitments. That's what people do at 20 years of age. Give her some space. If she wants to be with you, she will let you know.

[backspn]

Thanks so much for replying to me! So what you're saying Soulmate is that I am smothering her? Can she not give me the friendship that I want right now? She sent me a couple of texts today 1)"why do you have to make things so difficult? Why cant being friends with you just be easy?" 2)"You ask too much from me emotionally and mentally. I wish you'd be happy. You're so hard top please." For one I am not as clingy as she makes it to be. I am REALLY busy with school and I play on a sports team at my school as well as a part time job and homework. She wanted us to stay close. She says that we are more than friends. I am being her friend but she doesn't seem to be doing the same. Does her version of a friend vary from mine? Do you think that we could be more down the road? Tomlinson...If I give her lots of space will she appreciate it or will she distance herself from me more? Sorry...I dont have anyone else to talk to about all of this.

[Weird]

Sounds like every female out there. They say they want to be friends but really don't...they just want you there to fall back to or they want to "be friends" because in their minds they don't feel guilty about anything that has happened.

 

I say you just quit contacting her and see how she reacts. It sounds so far like she is using you and playing with your emotions. Don't let it happen man. If you don't contact her and if she wants to be with you chances are you'll hear her tell you that. Again, my advice is to not keep pressing the issue and let her make you feel like crap...you'll regret it later if things don't work out the way you want them to.

 

Oh and give her distance. It won't distance her more. If anything it'll bring her closer to you.

 

BTW this advice is from some personal experience and from stuff that has happened to friends. Trust me when i say to give her space and not to contact her.

[backspn]

But it seems like she has distanced herself from me so far. It might not be the case but it feels like it. Is she scared of her emotions if she sees me again? She loved me so much when we were together and I know she is not over me fully. How would I go about giving her distance and will this make her want to start seeing me again? She has up to this point been avoiding seeing me. I have a feeling it is because she doesnt want the old feelings to come rushing back....someone tell me if I am close please. After 6 months of not seeing me but talking to me everyday....do you think she still remembers the way I smell and my touch..etc?

[fanou22]

All this means that there are a lot of guys in college that she would rather go out with. It is a new territory with plenty of new things to sample.

 

What she is doing is keeping her options open. She is not your gf which allows her to go out with whomever she wants. At the same time you are there in case she needs to fall back on somebody.

 

Badly enough, she reminds me of me when I was 20 in college except I never kept anyone to fall back on. I was always available.

 

Hope this helps

[backspn]

Last night I fianlly IM'd her cause I needed to know. I told her that I needed to know. I asked her if she still needed me and if she still had feelings for me. I said that I wasnt looking for a committment and that I just wanted to know. She said she hated when I ask that question and didnt answer me til I pressed her. She said yes.....she still thinks of us as good friends. I told her that if I was then she would have to start treating me better cause I have other friends and I only talk to them once every 3 weeks or so. I said if we are more than friends then she will have to give me more time and attention. I told her that this was the last time I would bring it up and she said "fine". I disconnected from IM and came back on about 10 min later but she was already off. I didnt get a call last night or this morning but she did text me this morning telling me "Why do you have to make things so difficult? Why cant being friends with you just be easy?" then she texted me "You ask for too much from me emotionally and mentally. I wish you'd be happy. You're so hard to please." I just dont know. She considers us to be good friends but she doesnt give me the attention that she gives her other friend....her girl firend from high school. Do you think if I give her distance that it wont distance her from me that it will only want her to come back to me more?

[backspn]

I know she still cares about me a lot but she does not want to see me but we talk all the time. Any clues or advice....besides moving on? Do you think she still thinks about us even after 6 months and everyday contact? What would my plan be? Lots of distance?

[Weird]

Seriously dude, just give her the space and don't contact her. Trust me. I went through the same sort of thing (you can go read my huge ass post in the thread I started called What is up with this girl?) you are going through. Friends have gone through the same thing as well.

 

Right now you are going down the path I went and all it did was push the girl farther away and made things worse. I was like you and kept thinking "if I don't try and resolve this or keep contact she will forget about me and lose feelings" so I pressed and got burned. Only after it blew up in my face did I realize I was silly for doing that and I regretted trying to put forth the effort to get things resolved because it left me feeling like crap (this all happened early-mid 2003) for half a year. After a while though I started to realize hey, it isn't my problem and I realized my trying to resolve things showed I cared whether she realized it or not. You know what has happened over the last year of not talking to this girl? She has started to show me signs she wants me back in her life.

 

I really do think your situation is similar to mine and really, I urge you to just go no contact and I honestly do feel that she will come back into your life after she realizes you aren't there. Right now she knows you are there, knows your feelings and she can basically control you and can say/do whatever she wants because she knows you'll put up with it. If you arent there then she'll have a wake-up call and realize you aren't going to put up with the crap anymore and she will most likely be scared of that and will then seek your attention. Women play these mind games (cool women even admit that women play the games) and it is frustrating but there isn't anything you can do about it because you are thinking rationally and logically. They arent when they play the games..

 

So seriously man, just try and focus on other things in your life and don't let this woman/situation control you. It isn't worth it. And again, I know this from personal experience. Also because your ex is so young she is probably going through this phase that I call the "silly phase" (my ex went through it or may still be in it) where women go about making dumb decisions. Eventually they will get out of it and if you really want this girl and believe she is "the one" for you I suggest you just let her go through her phase and be there when she comes back to you.

As they say, patience is a virtue and I can honestly agree with that. I used to think with my ex that if we were meant to be together then why not resolve things asap and get on with it. Only recently have I realized that if this person is the one for me (note that I don't know for sure she is...jsut using this as an example) then waiting a 1,2,3 whatever years for her to get her life in order before being with me is not a big sacrifice.

 

If you are a good guy and were good to her then I guarantee she will end up regretting how she treated you and will want you back as her guy. I have found that women seem to really regret their decisions when they realize they lose something great (good guys) and realize that all those options (other guys) are dicks compared to the guys they were with. Women, especially ones with not much dating/relationship experience, seem to be quite curious about the options out there and only after getting burned by other guys who cheat on them or abuse them, etc do they realize they had it good with the guy they truly loved who also truly loved them.

 

If you wish to continue to press the situation with her by all means do it but I am warning you that it'll probably blow up in your face.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this in even greater detail.

[backspn]

Thx so much for your response!!! Thanks for puuting in the time to do it!!! I agree and it may seem like Im crazy but I really do my own thing and have been. I am starting NC this week with an occasional pop on to AIM to see if she says hi. She did last night and I didnt initiate it. She still has very strong feelings for me Im sure, and like you said she hasnt dated but 2 other guys then me. I was her first serious relationship and I treated her like a princess and she knows it, in fact when we broke up last April she told me that "I did too much for her". Haha...too much?? Anyways, I know she realizes how I am and how much I love her. We share a family plan together with our phones and I am turning them off for about a month. I feel that if I do this it will seem to her that I am not the bad guy for starting no contact and ignoring her, at the same time she cant call me like she does everyday. I told her that the bill is past due and they are turning the phone off today.....even though its not over due . I am thinking that this time away will give us both the space we need and give her time to think about us. Do you think that during the time of NC and time apart that she will think of us? Do you think the distance apart will bring her closer to me? BTW Weird...you disabled your PM so I cant contact you.

[Lonestar]

If you're going to initiate no contact, then it must be NO contact. You can't do the ocassional IM, don't even pop on there. Make it so she can't see you at all. No phone calls, no nothing, no contact. Does that make sense? You don't have to do this forever, and you're obviously doing no contact to play the game of "what will she do? I did that with my X too, and it does work. It doesn't always make them come back, but it eventually gets a reaction if they're the type of person who needs attention or has a big ego.

 

I think you have a big problem with the age difference. Eight years makes a huge difference in your twenties, especially now that she has just started college. There are tons of new people for her to meet, and new things to do. She has definitely cast you aside, I'm sorry to say, and the more you hang around and hound her, the more you give up your dignity. I am NOT saying that there is nothing for the two of you in the future, but you have to let go for now, and let her do her thing. Give no contact a try for at least two weeks and see how you feel then.

 

I understand her wanting to be your friend, but it sounds like that's all she wants, and she is not going to treat you the same as her best girlfriend. Those are two different relationships with different histories. Stop giving her ultimayums too about treating you better. It's okay to do that once, but then shut up and follow through with your threat if she doesn't treat you better.

[backspn]

So you think the no contact would work to open her eyes to how she's been treating me? She has not been apart from me emotionally or mentally in almost 2 1/2 years. I was her first love. I have 2 IM accounts and I am using the other one which she does not know my account. I keep thinking of Weird when his girl would sit on IM aiting for him to initiate something. I know she does that to me. Yesterday I initiated the NC and last night I was on my old IM acct and she initiated first.....something she hasnt done in a long time. What could be some of the outcomes of this no contact?

[Weird]

my private emssaging is enabled but maybe i don't have enough posts to have it activated. don't know. If you want we can talk on AOL. Just post one of your usernames.

 

Oh and my ex is still signing onto the IM program and sitting there saying nothing. She's been doing this for like 3.5 weeks now.

[backspn]

my IM is chuchie392 (the one she knows) or QVip9 (the one she doesnt)

[backspn]

The last time we talked was on Wednesday morning. She was doing homework and I was heading to class. That evening I asked her if I still mattered to her and if she cared about me.....its all in this last post. Anyways.....she hasnt called since and I havent called or IM'd her at all. I know she is not looking for any guys or has any in mind, she is just too busy. This is the longest we have gone in 2 1/2 years without talking to each other.......Do you think she will try to call me?

[emra]

I agree with what so many other people said on this.

She has told you you are making it difficult to be friends. That is your answer. I have been the woman saying this to a man. Did I still care about the person, yes, however, we weren't together anymore and I did want to be friends, end result because he would not let up. I am no longer even friends with him.

The problem that people don't see when it is post break up is it is hard to be friends right away. You both have to heal, even if you still care very much for each other, the timing wasn't right. And when you don't heal, you get caught up in, if she treats one friend this way, that is how she should treat me. And that is not right at all. Every friendship is different. When you break up you can not be that friend most people think they can be, because, you are still feeling like you need attention, attention you had in your actual relationship.

I think from what you are saying is you are holding on to something that can't be right now. The hardest thing to do in love is to let go. And you have to do that. She is being honest with you and you don't want to hear the message because you love her and want to be with her. That is very common.

Just don't push too hard. Or you may lose her forever....

[backspn]

I know...thats what I have been doing for the last 2 days and I intend to keep doing it. I plan on at least 3 weeks of NC to see. I guess I must have really been a jerk to her cause she hasnt called me in 2 days. I know its not a long time for most people but we have been inseperable for such a long time even after our break. I am scared that she will never call....

[emra]

Sometimes, it has nothing to do with being a jerk. Maybe she felt too much pressure from you to be someone you wanted her to be but she can't be that person right now.

 

I know from my own personal experience that I needed that time away. Yes, I really wanted to be friends with my ex. I could not handle all those questions. It was not right because, we were not together anymore and I did not owe it to anyone but myself to know where i was at in my life.

I wish I could have communicated that in the right way to him. He was devastated by the break and I was in my ways too. He pushed me too hard to be someone i couldn't be anymore.

Today, it has been 1 1/2 years since we have broke up. I finally made the phone call to him a few weeks ago to say, hey how are you. And we got along great and I told him things I sure wish I could have then.

Will him and I be friends, I don't know. I know I shared 2 years with him of my life as he did with me. It sure would be nice if even if it is only once a month to talk to him.

Be patient with her. Let her learn to trust that you aren't going to keep on her about being someone you need her to be. She needs to be able to trust that you are going to be her friend, in whatever form that may take. If you can become that friend to her. You future may be very good with her, whether it is friends or lovers.

Some people when they break up have a tendency to push people away. It is not that they don't care, it is their way of dealing with things, ya know?

[backspn]

Thanks so much Emra....that made my day so far. I really appreciate the time you put in to help me. On her website she posted this today in the column: "Who would you like to meet?"

 

"Someone who gives a very good back rub...someone who says the sweetest things and means every word he says. Someone who loves me for me...forever. someone who is willing to go through the best and worst with me because they want to, not because i want them to. Someone who is in love with me more than they love me. Someone who would die if they didn't have me. Someone who doesn't question anything i do, but someone who just loves everything about me."

 

That was exactly everything I did and said to her in our 2 1/2 years together. Do you think that she put that on the site cause she knew I would read it? The interesting quote is the last one about not questioning. Do you think it was meant for me?

[Weird]

My ex called me today and came over for a chat. She apologized for how she treated me back in early 2003 (specifically the fight that ended our communication) and she really meant it. The funny thing is she has been wanting to apologize for months now but was afraid to for fear I'd be mad or still was mad. I told her nope, not mad at all.

 

We talked for a good 4 hours and caught up with things. From the jist of things it sure sounds like she still has feelings for me and in a perfect world would be together with me but at this point in her life she just can't give me the relationship she feels I deserve. What she would like is for us to be good friends but I told her I can't give her that because I still have feelings and trying to hold those back while we hung out would just make me sad and upset.

 

I think the worst thing (but also the best) was seeing that she is back to her old self after all this time. It is the worst thing because it makes not giving things a second chance that much harder but it is also the best because I am glad to see she got her life back on track and grew up and is back to being the girl I fell in love with.

 

ah well...that's life i guess. Can't have the one thing you want more than anything. Although, I can see this girl down the line being with me again. Honestly, I am positive she is "the one" for me and I have a feeling she feels I am "the one" for her. Whether that means we will end up happily ever after remains to be seen. Too bad life doesn't always have the magic endings.

[backspn]

Congrats on the talk bro. Your relationship with her took a turn for the better. Mine is so confusing right now. I started NC 2 days ago after she sent me a couple of texts about how Im making things hard. So before I ruined everything completely I have decided to give her space and let her see me in a light when she first met me. I have a feeling that she is seeing me in a negative light right now and a month of NC will help her trust me more. Hopefully. Do you think she will think about us during the NC period? Will it bring her closer to me than she is now?

[backspn]

It has been 4 days since we have talked and this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to call her so bad but Im not going to. This is the longest we have gone not talking in almost 3 years. I feel empty inside. I am spending my day doing my things and studying but its not the same without contact from her. She is playing in a tournament this weekend for her college team. I hope she is thinking of me. I miss my buddy.