The other innocent party?

[AllaPrima]

A couple of days ago I found out that my partner of four years has been cheating for the past 10 months or so. When I say found out, I mean I had the suspicions, anxiety and 'women's intuition' I'd been feeling for the past year confirmed and validated, as I had suspected this was the case for a while...

 

We'd had an awful year last year, mainly due to this constant argument, my accusations and his complete and utter denial/disbelief at the fact the thought of his infidelity could even cross my mind! Anyway, after I finally discovered a plethora of photos of them described as boyfriend and girlfriend (gotta love social networking sites...) I confronted him for the last time, and he confessed.

 

I need to stress that my partner had not just been having a fling with this woman - he had been having a full-blown carbon copy of our relationship with her - taking her to the same places, calling her the same pet names, everything. Any time we hadn't spent together had been spent with her, and he also confessed that he was in love with both of us and had fallen so deep into his own mess that he couldn't get himself out.

 

Anyway, managing to keep relatively cool throughout the confession, I made it clear that the first thing he had to do was to be completely and utterly honest with EVERYONE, including his other girlfriend who he maintained knew absolutely nothing of our relationship. I also informed him that I would want her to contact me (or vice versa) to make sure this had happened - this was a massively important point for me. A couple of days passed and he notified me that he had told her, and that she was heartbroken so I should leave her be for now, though he did mention that she said she would eventually want to talk to me too (whether this was said just to placate me I have no idea...)

 

As recent as the event is and as fresh as the wounds are, I am having an extremely hard time debating with myself whether to contact her to make sure everything is out in the open. I have no idea of what is to happen - I see no feasible way that any sort of relationship between myself and my partner will ever be possible again. I've read other opinions on the matter, half of which are saying contact is a big no-no and halts any sort of moving on; others say it can be an extremely positive and healing process provided it's done properly. I am far too concerned about my dignity to act the scorned woman so the conversation would be civilised and well-thought out; similarly I would be stupid to think that we would strike up a bond and become 'sisters in arms' against the man who wronged us both, which is why the only aim I have is to confirm her knowledge of the matter, nothing more.

 

Even as I write this I think "why bother", but the not knowing is at the forefront of my mind and seems to be seriously affecting my ability to keep a clear head and attempt to move on from this - I despise the thought of letting things fester and definitely prefer to be a 'do-er'. What are your opinions and has anyone been in a similar situation...?

[geegirl]

I need to stress that my partner had not just been having a fling with this woman - he had been having a full-blown carbon copy of our relationship with her - taking her to the same places, calling her the same pet names, everything. Any time we hadn't spent together had been spent with her, and he also confessed that he was in love with both of us and had fallen so deep into his own mess that he couldn't get himself out.

 

If this is what know -- why the need to talk to her about it? Are you seeking additional details or just the need to have her reinforce what you already know? Or that you want to make sure that she knows rather than him just saying that he confessed to her?

[AllaPrima]

Or that you want to make sure that she knows rather than him just saying that he confessed to her?

 

Absolutely. I am admittedly the type of person that needs to know all of the gory details in order to eliminate any room for my thoughts to fill in the blanks, so I made sure I had questioned him fully about their relationship when he confessed.

[geegirl]

Absolutely. I am admittedly the type of person that needs to know all of the gory details in order to eliminate any room for my thoughts to fill in the blanks, so I made sure I had questioned him fully about their relationship when he confessed.

 

I think no matter how many details you obtain from your meeting with this woman, there will still be room in your head for more unanswered questions. The thing is, he cheated. The details don't eliminate that fact or make the it any better.

 

If what you need to confirm is whether the other woman knows, I would most likely let that go because whether she knows or not, your decision and outcome remains the same. YOU still have to move on.

 

If you want to confirm that she knows because that ultimately f***s up his life because she lefts him go, and in that sense you find your justice, then personally, I would let that go. If you feel the need to right your wrong, and you feel the need to have him suffer the same hurt, it is up to you.

 

My ex cheated on me. I had to find out the hard way. Not with just one woman but at least 4 -- at least the ones I heard about and caught him with. Did I want details, yes. Did I get them or pursue? No. He cheated. Period. Over.

 

Detaching yourself from it helps you grieve and move on a lot faster. In time when you are at a stage of indifference, details won't matter at all. Infact, you will be glad you left the trash out for someone else to deal with.