been MIA but could use a shoulder...

[loredo21]

Been gone for a while. Lost a close member of the family. Haven't yet dealt with that. Then attempted a vacay with H. Things were ok. It was a great time. But as soon as we get back and the dust of everything starts to settle I am back to square one. Totally unmotivated, not wanting to physically make an effort to work on things. I am just so tired. So so tired of all of this emotional and physical work. I am able to tell H anything but this. I cannot fathom breaking his heart again. And our daughter is so happy to have her family back together. I am slowly losing it though. IC has been at a stand still with everything going on and I stood up my 1st MC appointment. Just say. something. that will make me feel better.... get me off of this roller coaster.

[loredo21]

well square 1 a little of both I think. Did I make the right choice? Am I cut out for this much work? Should it be this much work? You can say it...

I think I am okay but at the same time only because I haven't properly grieved yet.

I skipped out on my first MC appoint cause it was one of those days where I couldn't peel myself off of the couch and was feeling sorry for myself. Highly depressed. Even though I feel better now I still haven't made the attempts to reschedule it. And H just goes along la di da like everything is fine. and I think to myself "Why isn't he on my ass more? Why does he feel like everything's okay? Why isn't he putting some sort of pressure on me to get me help?" I feel like he is so stoic about it all. Isn't the BS supposed to be on my ass here?

I just called in my IC session. At least I'm on top of that.

[Owl]

Loredo, please take this the right way.

 

Your H was put through the ringer...why SHOULD he be the one to do the heavy lifting here?

 

YOUR happiness is YOUR responsibility...not his.

 

With that said...if you don't care enough about him or your marriage to put forth the effort...then there probably is no point in doing so. If it doesn't matter to you...why should it matter to him? He's not the one who did this...

 

I think that perhaps you SHOULD sit down and break his heart again. Let him know where you're at, that you're not healing nor do you feel that your marriage is healing. Let him know that something somewhere has to change...probably something within you...or else your relationship with him is over.

 

He shouldn't have to wait until things explode to find that out. If there IS something more you need from him...he needs to know what that is. If there is nothing more that can be done to save the marriage...then put Ol' Yeller down already.

 

But sitting there in a fug and taking no action to change things...is the ONLY wrong answer, in my opinion.

[Owl]

My post may have come across as a bit harsh, and if so I apologize.

 

My point was simply that if you're not happy...do something to change the situation, one way or another.

 

OWN that.

 

Our first marriage counselor told my wife something similar in our first days of recovery.

 

You have to do the work to rebuild your marriage. I get that you don't feel up to putting forth the effort into that. But if you don't...then your marriage is already over.

[loredo21]

I get you, and what you say is right. But maybe I wasn't clear on what I meant. I feel like all I hear is BS's putting their foot down and having strict guidelines in order for the marriage to move forward. But he does none of that. I think it would make me feel better to know he was serious about it all. Not so easy-going about what i've done. I know it is my responsibility but it doesn't even seem like it's a big deal to him. Shouldn't it be?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Deal with the depression first. That is driving you right now. You can work on nothing until the depression is addressed. Depression becomes chemical not merely situational. Address the root of YOUR problem and the rest will fall into place.

[loredo21]

i agree my logic is weird Pierre. It is a feeling of never being enough, never being worthy. I think IWWH is right. I need to focus on my depression first. My image of myself is totally skewed.

[thefooloftheyear]

If you are not motivated you need to tell your H. If I was your H and knew you were not motivated I would want to know. In the end the one that seems to be suffering is you----so it would be best for you to be honest about your feelings.

 

 

 

 

You seem to forget that your H has normal intrinsic happiness. He does not need external validation to be happy. He probably understands that the affair was all about you and not about him. He has forgiven you and moved on. Most former wayward spouses that want to rebuild a marriage would be very happy with a spouse that is not moping around.

 

You want the pressure of your H because even at this point you still need validation. If he was after you it would mean you are important, wanted, and special. It is awful to go through life waiting for others to provide validation. You should be prou of your H, he will never cheat, he does not need to cheat to be happy.

 

 

Maybe its the guilt that is botheringh her, more than anything else. I guess its frustrating when you are feeling guilty about something, yet no one(h in this case) is punishing you. Its like you would feel better if he was more angry. That gettiing through that would meke the OP feel like she "paid a price" for the misdeed. Im only speculating here, so if I am wrong, pease forgive me.

 

WS's take a hard hit on this site-understanably so...However, the reality is that while most look at it from the aspect of they are "cake eaters", liars. etc. When the shyt hits the fan though, they are in for a world of hurt. Massive guilt feelings. Heartbroken from loss of AP(if the A was intense). Add to that the degrading feeling of having to ge back to the BS with hat in hand and beg for acceptance..Its a bad situation, but I am sure most would say "you made your bed now sleep in it".....

 

Hang in there, OP...

 

TFOY

[Henni]

Wow! You have no idea how lucky you are to have a happy H.

 

Hello Loredo. I don't think you're feeling very lucky right now. It sounds like you are feeling that you are sliding back into a situation you once felt trapped in. Maybe it comes from validation, as Pierre believes, maybe it comes from something else. I think if I were you, I would try to focus on that fact that this is where you are NOW. It doesn't mean you can change where you are if you want to, divorce, change, be in a different place. You can chose to do that just as you chose not to, to be where you are now. If this is the decision, to work on your marriage, then make it, now, too - own it, talk to your husband about how you feel and see where it brings you.

 

I hope that helps. I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

[Owl]

IWWH nailed it.

 

My wife's depression was one of the leading things that brought her to a point where she was able/willing to enter into an EA.

 

And until that was being treated, there was NO possibility of moving forward in any fashion in recovery/reconciliation.

 

That was actually my FIRST, CRITICAL requirement for her was to be seen by our doctor and request to be evaluated for depression. Which he did indeed diagnose her with, and the medication went a LONG way towards allowing us to be able to address the things that led us to where we were at.

 

I also see you've mentioned a couple of times that you feel like your H is 'rug-sweeping" by not having a list of strict requirements/etc... that you need to adhere to.

 

Why do you think that's needed? Why should have have to have those requirements? Do you not know/can't anticipate what's needed already?

 

Or as someone else mentioned...does that make you feel like he doesn't love you/doesn't care?

 

Have you ASKED him about that lack of requirements, and potential lack of concern?

 

If so, what did he say? If not...why not???

[waterwoman]

Jeez Loredo! I can assure you that if your BS was anything like me he has NO idea what to do. He is floundering. Helpless. How would he know what to do? He might be scared to issue demands in case you walk out. Perhaps point him here or some other site to get some pointers. It doesn't come naturally to most of us.