Back after 4 years...relationship ends over trouble with faith

[justletgo07]

Hi everyone,

 

It has been almost 4 years since I've posted on, or really even visited, this site. At the time, my girlfriend of over 2 years had just broken up with me. For those of you who are curious, I never reconciled with my ex from 4 years ago. Sometimes its just not in the cards, no matter what you do. Took me almost a year to go no contact, and by then I had probably squandered any opportunity she and I might have had to reconcile. Yet, to be honest, I'm not sure there was anything I could have done to bring us back together, and all I did in my various attempts to do so is draw out the grieving process for a long long LONG time. My best advice to anyone new who is full of "but what if I do...?!" thoughts: let them go. What you're going through is quite natural. You have lost control of a situation, and you and your mind are desperately trying to regain control. However, the thing you're trying to control is another person's feelings, and it's likely that that person who's feelings you're trying to influence has only slightly more control over them than you do. It's just not a winning scenario, and I guarantee you that no amount of manipulation will change the way your ex feels about you. What's more, there is no magic formula for whose relationship is salvageable and whose isn't. Relationships are as complex as the people who are in them, and there are so many factors involved that it's near impossible to say for certain how things might turn out. From my very limited experience, NC is a very effective way to move on, especially once you commit to it. It is not, however, a very effective get-back-together strategy. If the only thing keeping your ex from wanting you again is you becoming unusually unavailable and unresponsive, then you are more fortunate than most. More often than not, in my experience, the dumper has already come to terms with and grieved over their decision to dump you before the deed has been done. They are at peace with the decision, and more or less understand what it means and what the consequences of their choice will be. If you do end up reconciling, there is more than likely some limited but ongoing communication between the two of you, albeit this is typically far more effective when you're not faking a mended heart and can actually act like a normal, whole person around your ex.

 

Anywho, if anyone is curious about my previous experience, the mistakes I made, the insights I gained, etc. please feel free to look through my old threads, or send me a message and I'll be happy to answer your questions.

 

Unfortunately, I am returning because my most recent girlfriend of two years has broken up with me yesterday. The break-up actually took place over the past 2 weeks, and has been quite a bit different from the last break-up. For a little background, my ex and I had always struggled a bit with some religiously-based differences and what they might mean for our compatibility. We are both Christians, but we have always differed a bit theologically, with her coming from a much more conservative tradition than I do, particularly around issues of sex, the bible, etc. I will admit that I have been rather stubborn when it has come to issues of religion, something that I now regret in light of the recent break-up. Over the course of our relationship we probably had an emotional discussion about these things (in terms of what it would mean for marriage, raising a family, etc) every 6 months or so, and have reached the cusp of breaking up before but had never done so. However, the issue was always there, and we never seemed to make a lot of headway on it. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, and we felt like things had come to a head and needed to make some decisions. At the time, I felt that maybe we were in fact hitting a wall and just weren't compatible in that regard, and we had more or less agreed that we needed to break things off. It was a very sad, emotional experience, but ultimately we decided to end things. Over the course of the week that followed, I went from feeling initially relieved to incredibly upset and regretful for ending things, and really wanted to give things another shot, confident that we could in fact make things work. I, at least, felt that I hadn't done all I could do and was willing to do more because I really and truly can (or could, I guess) see myself marrying this girl. Unfortunately, over the course of that same week, my ex reached a point where she felt at peace with the decision, and was incredibly hesitant to get back together. We spent some of the weekend together, and even shared a few intimate moments (which in retrospect I probably shouldn't have done), and she asked for more time to think about it. Well, she called me yesterday and said that her mind just isn't changing on the issue and that she doesn't want to lead me on or give me any false hope. I talked to her in person later last night, and she says that she still loves me, but that she just can't go back into the relationship right now. She says she reached her breaking point, and that something within her has changed, and that her heart is committed right now to being out of the relationship and that she can't make herself want to be back in. It was all very sad, and she feels horrible for hurting me, and there really isn't any anger or negative feelings beyond our sadness that things appear to have not worked out.

 

I'm still not totally convinced that A) she is in fact totally at peace with the decision, and B) that we really do have different values. She admitted last night that it's possible that we have just overtalked and overthought this issue, and that once we broke things off that it is just mentally/emotionally hard for her to go back into it right now. To me, that suggests that maybe (although it is perhaps unlikely) after the dust settles and the emotions fade a bit that she might feel like we made a rash decision. Just prior to this we had what was probably one of our best weeks ever, and we weren't a couple that was prone to fighting or arguing very often. We were typically always laughing/happy.

 

I also don't know for certain that we are incompatible in terms of faith. She is very established in her faith, while I am still figuring a lot of mine out. Being with her has involved me really thinking hard on some of my existing beliefs, and things that I didn't think I could do (like making the decision together to wait until marriage) were not only things that I could do, but I was ultimately happy that I did them. I think with more time I could grow more fully into my faith, and be at a place where I was lifting her up and supporting her faith, instead of just bring her my doubts and uncertainties. Perhaps it is too little, too late now.

 

It hurts like hell, especially since I really want to and am committed to trying to work through these issues. I know that issues of faith can be deal breakers, but I am honestly not convinced that we are too far apart to make things work. I have never loved anyone as much as this girl, and it pains me to admit that I must now start the slow process of walking away and healing. After my previous experience, I know that I need to cut contact immediately moving forward, and have taken steps to do so, and have begun brainstorming ways to keep myself busy during what I imagine will be the very difficult days to come. I would obviously love the chance to reconcile, which is why I have posted here instead of in the break-up or healing forums, but I also know that I can't make that my primary focus right now. That being said, if anyone has any thoughts on how reconciling might be achieved in this situation, I'm all ears!

 

I would love to hear anyone's thoughts on my experience, tales of similar experiences, or just kind words of encouragement. I am truly heartbroken, and while I dread the days to come, I am thankful to have this community to turn to again.

[Noma]

Try to stay busy. Don't contact her for a while. Seems like you are thinking with a clear head, come here for support when you start to feel the panic! One day at a time!

 

It has taken me a while to realize this, but one week feels like one month to us, and about 2 days to the dumper. They feel like they need space, and demonstrated it by breaking up with us. There are usually other reasons too, but space is a big one!