Married High School Sweetheart - He's A Cop And Cheated With A Cop - Help

[ozziegirl]

This is a first of many kinds. I've never been a member of any online forum. I've never discussed what I'm going to say here. I just don't know where to turn, so am hoping for insight from unbiased, total strangers....here goes.

 

I moved to the US when I was 16. I met the love of my life in high-school, married him when I was 20 and had two children with him. We've been married 13 years this past July. My husband is a cop, and has been since he entered the workforce at 18. I think we have a great marriage, and are best friends in addition to being great lovers and wonderful parents to our daughters. I wouldn't dream of being in a relationship with anyone else.

 

7 years ago, when our girls were 5 and 1, my husband was working nightshift in a busy city. He was assigned to train a female officer and had to ride with her night after night for 4 weeks. She was attractive. We were going through a rough time at home. I was the breadwinner and he was having a hard time with that. He also felt that I wasn't very affectionate towards him - true at that point in our marriage. Not true today.

 

At the end of their assignment together, I got a phone call at about 3am. I said 'hello', but the only sound on the other end of the phone was two fairly distant voices. I was worried as my husband had recently shot and killed someone, and I thought he was trying to reach me in an emergency. Not true. He was talking to her. HE didn't say anything obvious, but I could tell by the way he spoke that he was attracted to this woman. Turns out he had sat on his cellphone and it had dialed home. I listened for about 5 minutes, then called him back. He immediately told rank that he could not ride with this person any longer, and shortly afterward he quit his job and came to work in the small town where we live.

 

Each year, I would revisit that phone call because it bothered me so much. I questioned him repeatedly. This year, in July, he finally told me that they had sex four times, and that she had given him oral sex on a few occasions. I'm absolutely devastated. This is the father of my children. This is the only man I've ever had sex with. This is the love of my life. This is my best friend.

 

I had coffee with the woman to ask her details that I needed. She told me that he always spoke highly of me, and that she had seduced him. She was extremely remorseful. She said he was nervous the whole time, and reluctant. My husband is distraught. He is doing everything to keep this together. We have been to one counseling session, but it's not helping me understand why he did this, and whether or not he would do it again.

 

I'm a 33-year old woman who makes three times as much as my husband. I'm very fit and men come on to me often. I have never considered having an affiar. I love my husband so much. I will never tell my children what he did, even if our marriage does not survive. I'm worried that because he is a cop, in a profession where men cheat ALL THE TIME, that he could end up in the same boat again.

 

Any words of wisdom? Should I accept this and move on? Should I not accept it and see what else is out there for me?

 

HELP!!

[sunlight]

You are a catch. Most men will be upset at the fact that they will lose everything and try hard to obtain it just for the fact that they will have nothing. Once, I can see once. But he did it more than once. And you caught him, so he was scared. You will have to look into yourself to see if you can forgive. But if you forgive, do it full hearted, and dont think about it after that. If you think of it, you will become bitter. Live once, live happy.

[sami]

He felt bad about it. Try hard to forget and forgive. Beating yourself or him up over it is not going to help. It is not easy but it is not hard either.

[Merin]

Ugh!

 

Well my EX husband is a cop, now i'm not going to say that your case is the same OR will be the same BUT I will say that it isn't uncommon in this profession for affairs to happen.

 

There are a lot of reasons why..... First if this female was someone he worked closely with, it isn't uncommon for them to form a "bond" because for real when they are out there it is the other officers who have thier back if something happens.

 

Secondly, it also isn't uncommon for police to feel that the only other people who truely understand the stress level in thier life is other cops....

 

Third, there is opportunity a lot of opportunity to cheat and not get caught.... with being on call, working nights ect.

 

Now, again i'm not saying that all police officers cheat however this is a high divorce rate profession.

 

Your husband seems to have regret over what happened (and he should) but regardless if he feels bad about it, I think he feels the worst for himself because he got caught more than he feels bad about what he did.... sorry but this wasn't a one time occurance here.

 

I agree with Sami on one thing that is to move forward (if that is what you choose to do) you will have to forgive.... however I disagree with the part about forget..... and that doesn't mean that I think you should hold on to it forever and carry it with you and bring it up all the time.... but forgetting something like this isn't possible to begin with, and it is a learning experience..... painful yes, but to your benefit if you're able to use it later so that this doesn't happen again.

 

Whatever you chose to do I wish you well. Don't think this had anything to do with you, this was your husbands issue and his mistake so let him carry the burden of that.

[ozziegirl]

Merin,

thanks for the inisght. I agree that forgetting is impossible. I just want to get to a point where i don't think about it every single day. I think about it every waking moment right now. I'm trying to get that down to once or twice a day .... is it ever goig to happen?

[Merin]

You're welcome girl;)

 

 

This is a pretty fresh wound.... but in time, yes you will get to a place where it isn't all you think about and eventually you will get to a place where you may still bring it to your mind but it won't be there all of the time.

 

This wasn't about you. Again I know that is hard to swallow right now, because you cannot understand why he cheated on YOU.... (and honestly I don't understand infidelity at all) but believe me girl, it really isn't and wasn't about you or what you did or didn't do.

 

Trust is a hard thing to regain.... however IF your husband is willing to do what it takes to earn that back from you it isn't impossible..... and that is only IF you are willing to give him another opportunity to do so.

 

Regardless of what you decide, take care of you.

[sami]

when I said: " Try to forget and forgive", I never meant to belittle the incident in anyway. However, I'm only calling for forgiveness. There is nothing will stop a cheater from cheating whenever circumstances will permit. If you are not ready or willing to forgive it will eat you from inside and keep you captive forever. I simply don't want to see that happening to you or to anybody else.

[Mr Spock]

Whatever you do, do NOT feel sorry for this man. He could have turned her away, and he could have told you she was hitting on him. He could have asked to have her removed. Do. Not. Feel. Sorry. He did this to himself. I don't think you will ever stop thinking about it. I don't know what that will mean for you. I suggest you both seek some kind of help.

 

You need to ask him how he'd feel in the same situation. I personally think you should have your own affair. Not so much tit for tat-but it may allow both of you to strip away all the old and rebuild, beccause it's never going to be the same.....

[Wellnowuknow]

ok..if you think she was the first your wrong. I grew up with police family and friends...and it's like one big orgy. Especially during their little "boot camp" sessions.

 

He cheated and he did it more than once. She seduced him my a** he wanted it and thats why he went for it.

 

Leave him! Cops are pigs!