Do I confront my ex bf about having sex with my best friend (gay male)?

[Jewelkeeper]

I just found out that my ex/not ex boyfriend had sex with my best friend (who is a gay male). I don't know if I should approach him or not, since we actually broke up recently and I don't know if 'THE INCIDENT' was before or after the break up. We were together for almost 3 years. We still hang out together almost every day and I've been feeling like we might get back together. We really care about eachother a lot and like to spend time together. Problem is that one of the main reasons we broke up was that we hadn't had sex for a year! We lived together, too. We talked about it finally and neither of us could figure out any reason for the lack of sex. He said he still masturbates, but has no sexual desire. I have always wondered if he might be gay (We both have a lot of gay/lesbian/trans friends and I've got my own issues surrounding this, so it's on my mind a lot), but I figured I was jumping to conclusions so I didn't have to think about him not finding ME attractive...and then I find this out. I think I'll talk to my male friend about it, but should I just walk away from my ex/not ex or what?? I'm totally floored and confused.

[Papillon]

It's none of your business. End of story.

[Barby]

Okay maybe I missed it, are you a female who had a BF who slept with your best friend who just happened to be a gay male???

 

If this is the case and you two didn't have sex for over a year...well maybe him sleeping with another man should have given you a clue NO matter when it happened. Obviously he has issues about his sexuality MOST men wouldn't have sex with another male unless they were at least bi or gay. The lack of intimacy between the two of you should be clue enough that something is not right....if you two weren't "intimate" and he was sleeping with a man (even once) why oh why would you want to get back together with him???

 

 

If I'm wrong about this I'm sorry feel free to correct me....

[DerangedAngel]

I don't think you have any business asking right now, either.

 

Would this prevent you from getting back together with him if it happened before your break-up? If so, when/if that (getting back together) comes up, then you ought to ask him about it.

 

-DA

[Jewelkeeper]

Hey easy there, I just found out yesterday!! My biggest concern is my friend of 8 years having sex with my long term (recently broken up or not) ex boyfriend. He's been a really sympathetic ear and we've gone over my 'issues' with my ex for a long time, including when I ask him (my friend) if he thinks my ex is gay. 'Oh absolutely not, I don't get one vibe from him in that way!' So you know?

 

As for my ex, yes you're probably right, it is none of my business. The thing is that we have been really physically close even though it hasn't been sexual. Lots of hugs and cuddling (I hate that word) and that sort of thing. And I broke up with him because we weren't having any sex and I figured I should have some!

 

I appreciate your feedback.

[YellowLioness]

Yes, I do.

 

I think that if he's not gay, that he's bisexual. Straight men don't have sex with other guys.

 

If you're asking what to do in this situation:

 

If it bothers you, and if you feel like it would hinder the relationship that you have, I don't see why you wouldn't want to ask him about it.

[Jewelkeeper]

Quick PS to D.Angel

 

Yes I think it would prevent me from getting back together with him if I knew it happened before we broke up. I'm just feeling pretty confused right now.

J.Keeper

[Barby]

You still have NOT clarified...you are female right? (maybe I missed it) and if you ARE indeed female and he is said to be a "straight male" then there is a HUGE issue there. "Straight men" do NOT under ANY circumstance have sex with another man.

 

I just found out that my ex/not ex boyfriend had sex with my best friend (who is a gay male).

How is this your ex/not your ex boyfriend?? I'm a bit confused and wish to offer up my advice but honestly it is only looking to me like I mentioned above (assuming you're female).

 

Also if you "found out" he slept with your best friend (who's a GAY male) then why do you need to ask him. Can you NOT trust the person who told you?

 

I can understand wanting "closeure" and wanting to hear it from him. But what I CAN'T for the life of me understand is why you'd want to be with him if he's attracted and sexually active with the member of the same sex. (no i'm not preaching I just want to understand this).

 

Being best friends with him would be something I could understand more than wishing to re-pursue a sexual/emotionally intimate relationship.

[Mary3]

I think the poster is female...

 

I also think that if he was not interested in sex with her for one year then he might have been engaging in sex with the male....In either case....

 

I think she should get tested for STDs...

[DerangedAngel]

"Straight men" do NOT under ANY circumstance have sex with another man.

 

I disagree. I'm sure there are plenty of straight men that have, under some circumstances (perhaps there was alcohol involved), had sex with other men.

 

-DA

[cateinaus]

The person you think is your best friend.............is not.

[Jewelkeeper]

I call him my ex/not ex because although we 'officially' broke up 2 months ago we have been seeing eachother almost every day, he still calls me at least once or more a day and we've slept in eachother's beds AND he invited me to go to the UK with him in the spring!!! And he kissed me a couple of weeks ago.

 

Since we weren't having sex anyway, this seems like ACTION to me! ha ha. So you see why breaking up seems no different than being together and the possibility seems there that we could get back together. Which, no I don't want to I guess. Not anymore. Not that I have a choice. He is super fantastic though.

 

I asked my best friend about it today. He was extremely reluctant to discuss the situation however, he did tell me it happened AFTER my bf and I had broken up and that he wasn't the one who initiated it (which I believe) and if I was going to experiment then I would probably pick some one I knew really well and trusted, too. So I don't know. I forgave him and I'm not going to talk to my EX about it; it's his life and body and if I bring it up at all he may never go there again, which would likely be unfortunate and I do truly want him to be happy. I apologize for the long rant!

 

 

J.Keeper

[Jewelkeeper]

Originally posted by Mary 3 .....I think the poster is female...

 

I also think that if he was not interested in sex with her for one year then he might have been engaging in sex with the male....In either case...I think she should get tested for STDs..

 

 

Ha ha! That's actually funny!! We haven't had sex in so long I'm sure whatever could have been there is dried up and gone away! I doubt he's been having sex with other people for our whole relationship, or even the last year. I think I know him well enough that this was an isolated event. Who knows, maybe I don't.