Do I have a right to be jealous?

September 16, 2004

I would like to ask the opinion of everyone here if I have a problem with jealousy or not. My fiance and I have a long distance relationship (we met online, and i have been visiting her regularly as much as I can since). Just recently she has become friends with a guy she met while at work. One night he asked her to go hang out with him and she accepted, and they were gone from awhile that night and then she came back. When she came back I asked her all about the date and she told me everything, and went on webcam with me on MSN messenger (we have a long distance relationship, remember? ) and told me "i love you so much sweety" while that guy was right there in the room lookin on the screen. So it wasnt like she was trying to hide me from him or something. She also told me that he was very nice and polite to her, however she said that he would probably be all over her if she wasnt with me (which of course didnt make me feel any better)

And, I do not think there was any weird things going on at all that night. I love this girl to death, however, I cannot help but feel uneasy about her hanging out with other guys. To me it seems like a date and it bothers me to no end. We got in an argument over my jealousy once and she spelled it out clearly for me, "I want a friend, not a boyfriend." I go from highs to lows about it, sometimes ill be completely okay with it and be happy that she has a friend and is having a good time, and other times I cant help but have thoughts running through my head like "shes going to end up liking this guy and cheating on you" and stupid things like that.

I know I have a problem with jealousy, because i even got a little jealous when she wanted to call someone she had met at the mall. And I know that is not right at all right there.

Do i have a right to feel uneasy about her hanging out with guys? Do i have a problem? Should I just get the hell over it? Or is she doing me wrong by hanging out with guys she befriends at work? I have never told her that I don't like it, but I don't want to because I mainly just want to get over this feeling. I don't want it to destroy our relationship...

September 16, 2004

Hello,

If you are engaged to this woman then she should not be going on dates with another guy especially when she tells you he would be all over her if he could. What she is doing is disrespecting you and your relationship. This is a huge red flag.

How do you think she would be feeling knowing that you are engaged to her and going out on a date with another woman and telling her this woman would be all over you if she had the chance? This is not what you do and treat a person you are engaged with. This is a bad sign and it seems so obvious.

September 16, 2004

The thing is, she does not view them as dates, she just views them as hanging out with friends. She has always been sort of a "tom boy", and i dont want to seem controlling to her and go and tell her "you''re not allowed to hang out with guys who are friends with you"

September 16, 2004

Hello Again,

Again this is a different situation. She can call it anything she wishes but it is a date. What makes this different is this male friend has made it clear by her own words that he would be all over her if had the chance. A woman who is engaged to you should not be going out with another man who has made it clear that he would be all over her if he had the chance. This is not controlling behavior on your part. This is setting barriers in a relationship.

Again if the roles were reversed and you told your girlfriend you just like hanging out with this other girl and if she had the chance she would be all over you; do you honestly think this would be acceptable to your girlfriend. It is one thing to be friends with someone with the opposite sex but not if they express feelings and desire for you while you are engaged to someone else. It may lead to trouble down the road. It seems so obvious. If you do not have boundaries in a relationship like this then it will cause enormous trouble down the road. I think you are in denial. I wish you luck.

September 16, 2004

I'd be upset if I were in your shoes too, man. Since talking to her about you being uncomfortable with it didn't get through to her, why don't you just start hanging out with girl friends of your own?

September 16, 2004

I have before without thinking about her being jealous, and she did not seem to mind at all, because she knows I've known some of my girl friends for years. Is it any different if you've known someone for years as opposed to someone you just met last week?

Should I start seeing her hanging out with guys as just hanging out with friends, or should I take the next step and tell her that I do not feel comfortable with it? Because we live 3 hours apart, and I don't want to be a guy that restricts her to her house and doesn't let her hang out with friends just because I have an issue with feeling uncomfortable about it. I would much rather just get over it and trust that she just wants friends and nothing else, I just need help doing that :/ She has told me that several times, but I can't seem to get rid of the feeling I have. Stupid jealousy :/

September 16, 2004

Is there any way you can meet and get to know these friends?

If you get to know them it may take away a lot of your worries. My boyfriend has a lot of friends, female included, so I worked hard at getting to know them all and now they consider me as much of a friend as him.

You may discover why she is friends with them...maybe they are really cool and you will come out more confident and with a bunch of new buddies. And the added bonus is that if she's out without you, your new friends will lookout for her and you, and they'll tell you if anything inappropriate is going on. So look at them as positively as you can. Good luck!

September 28, 2004

Well guys, I figured i would end the story.

my fiance ended it with my yesterday. i finally got her to admit why too.

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

can i ask u a question before you leave?

~*Kristy*~ says:

sure

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

just out of curiosity, who or what made u decide to end it?

~*Kristy*~ says:

you really want to know?

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

yes i do

~*Kristy*~ says:

i had honestly been thinking about it for a while, so i don't want you to get angry with me

~*Kristy*~ says:

but i wouldn't have if i hadn't met robert

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

bob?

~*Kristy*~ says:

yeah

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

yeah thats what i thought

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

mkay thanks

~*Kristy*~ says:

it's not because of him necessarily

~*Kristy*~ says:

it's just that there are other nice people in the world.

~*Kristy*~ says:

who knew

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

well, i guess my jealousy was well found then. i knew that if i stopped worrying about u hanging out with someone every day and night this would happen

~*Kristy*~ says:

no

Why do you always have dreams of the things you no longer have? says:

and just like i had thought long ago. long distance relationships dont work

~*Kristy*~ says:

not at all

~*Kristy*~ says:

it's not the distance

~*Kristy*~ says:

and it's not him

~*Kristy*~ says:

that's just part of it

what a ****ing bitch. just like one of my friends told me when he was making me feel better yesterday:

"All things are shiny when they're new."

September 29, 2004

Honestly, it appears that this woman was giving you more grief than happiness anyway. You should be happy that it ended. There are plenty of nice women closer to home who won't treat you like s--t. Honestly, that's all the majority of guys want: a nice, attractive woman that will treat you with respect. Respect includes not doing things that they know will piss you off. This should be a lesson to all the "women in relationships are still allowed to have close guy friends" harpies on this board. Bottom line: guys don't want to be "friends" with attractive girls. The only reason a guy wants to be friends with an attractive girl is because he wants to f--k her. Most guys could give a s--t if she's got a "boyfriend" or a "fiance" especially if they're geographically challenged. Period. No matter how "innocent" or "friendly" these guys are, there's always going to be the sexual thing lurking barely beneath the surface. In short, you should send the slut a thank you card.

September 29, 2004

I'm sorry this happened to you. Sometimes, unfortunately or fortunately, however you want to look at it, intuition is just right on. I don't think ALL male/female relationships have a sexual overtone. I have a male friend who I've known since I was a kid and he's like a brother to me. And I like a sister to him (he even refers to me as his little sister). He's married to a beautiful woman and I have a bf I'm totally smitten with. So I think that friendships can be platonic, however, if one of the parties wants more (especially when they've made that clear) that's definitely a red flag, as you found out. But better to find out now than AFTER you got married or something, though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way right now. I wish you luck!!

September 29, 2004

Hey its "meme3434", i decided to register because frankly I don't care if she finds this forum or not anymore.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's support. It's not even the fact that she broke up with me, it's the fact that I trusted her with everything. I treated her like a queen. And earlier before all of this when I was talking to her about it, and trying to talk to her about my feelings on it all and whatnot, she got all pissy at me and replied with "Russell, I want a FRIEND, not a boyfriend! You are my #1, I love you. You are the only one for me."

Turns out she changed her mind. Turns out she wanted a boyfriend after all.

I worked long and hard at trusting her with everything because I have been screwed over by girls before like this. I thought I had finally found a girl I could trust my life with, and trust my emotions with, and i get screwed over again.

I could write a damn novel with all of the **** I've been through with her and her psycho parents.

ugh :/

October 1, 2004

In my point of view, yes you have the right to be jealouse. I also have emotional probs like that. Ive been with this girl for 1 year and there isnt anything I wouldent do for her.

It dosent matter how much you love someone, at all. You will love more than one person, its fact. You can never be with just one person. err you can but you will find yourself having feelings for someone elts along the way. Its just up to you if you want to try somthing new...

Take my position right now... Ive been with this girl for a year, but ive alwase had mild feelings for this girl that is one of her best friends... I dont know when, but sometime I got strong feelings for this other person. Even tho I told her that she was the only one for me...

Maybe she is in a feeling of lust. People often mistake this for love. Usually after some romatic experience with this person (this includes warm hugs, kissing, intercorse) the person will relise it was just lust. Then relise that they made a stupid decision and will wish they never did it.

Ive known you for a while ES but ive never actually knew it was you. Your a great guy, your nice and respecting.

Maybe after all this stuff with bob goes away she will relise what a dumb bitch (not to be rude at all) she has been. Give it time. You will find that there are other fish in the sea. You might haft to search really hard, but they will surface.

In the meantime, go have fun. Do all the things you couldent when you were with this chick.

Not to be rude, but when you meet a new girl. Maybe you wont be so trusting. I know that trust is almost everything in a relationship and stuff. But even me, being with this girl for a year+ I find myself seeming un trusting... She hangs out with guys alot. Plus we have gone through stuff like this, where she gave herself to another guy after she said she dedicated herself to me. Dont take things so serious.

October 1, 2004