Tina3108 Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 I have been married almost two months now, but I hardy feel like I am in that honeymoon phase. My husband is great, very affectionate and mostly tries to keep me happy. The problem came after the wedding (he came to stay with me). He is friends with this guy who lives opposite his parents’ house. He went there a few times before we got married and I guess he got close to him …and his wife. They are nice people and I can see he enjoys their company. My problem is with the wife texting my husband 24/7. The husband does not seem to have a problem with it, so why does it bother me so? He seems addicted to texting ever since they started to text. I don’t believe I have reason to be jealous as she is married to his good friend and they have two kids together and seem happy. I guess my problem is the attention he gives her, like I am boring compared to her. I would not mind them texting, but does it have to be all day? Does he have to send repeated “pings” when she does not reply? Does he have to chat to her while lying in bed next to me? Or maybe I am being over emotional, I don’t know. And yes, I have told him it bothers me. He then said I must get over my insecurities and he doesn’t moan when I am on my phone. I will text friends for maybe half an hour in the space of a week. Please can anyone tell me if I am overreacting? Also, we spend every weekend with them , even when i don't feel like going with , he goes alone and spends hours with them...i cant handle this obsession he has with them...or her ...anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 Now im a terrible texter, terrible at remembering to reply, so maybe your hubbys just a different kinda guy to me but I would find it rude if a mate was constantly texting while i was talking to him, let alone a gf! Like if i had a gf I would be cool with her going out with her buddys or whatever as long as when shes with me, shes with me! What the hell does he find to talk to her about all day and night? I'd be pretty annoyed too! Just tell him staight that cut it out! DEFFO when he's in bed with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tina3108 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Share Posted April 12, 2013 Thank you! Just needed to hear i was not crazy for feeling this way. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 That's terrible! Even if there was nothing going on between him and that woman (and honestly I find that doubtful...sorry) but your husband's lack of concern towards you and your feelings is appalling! Would he have any issue if you randomly picked up his phone and had a look at his texts? If he acts all protective of his phone and has an issue with you glancing at what he chats with her about, then there may be something bigger going on. I'm not even talking about you being sneaky and snooping, I'm talking about you doing that right in front of him - see what he'd do. 24/7 texting with anyone is weird, but a person from the opposite sex, causes even more questions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 You are absolutely correct in feeling the way you do. I think it is rather disrepectful to be honest. This woman knows you are newleyweds and to constantly text someone else's husband is rude. I think you should let your husband know again that you are not comfortable with this. Tell him you want to spend time alone with him or doing other things on the weekend besides hanging out with these needy people. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tina3108 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Share Posted April 12, 2013 I kind of have a fear of doing that. I once casually went through an ex boyfriend's phone and what i found caused me so much pain, that i never touched a boyfriends phone again. But you have given me an idea, maybe just casually make like i want to see what his chatting or mention it by the way and see what his reaction is... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 Definitely address this early on in your marriage. Are these people very friendly with you when you visit them? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 I kind of have a fear of doing that. I once casually went through an ex boyfriend's phone and what i found caused me so much pain, that i never touched a boyfriends phone again. But you have given me an idea, maybe just casually make like i want to see what his chatting or mention it by the way and see what his reaction is... If you mention it, he might pick a fight with you to get out of that situation and then learn to just delete his texts. If you're going to do it, look at it before he has a chance to come up with a way of not getting caught. I'm sorry that your exbf experience was bad, and I do think that people shouldn't snoop on one another, but OTOH, it's not really sneaky snooping if it's right in front of him and if he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't have an issue with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 You are absolutely correct in feeling the way you do. I think it is rather disrepectful to be honest. This woman knows you are newleyweds and to constantly text someone else's husband is rude. I think you should let your husband know again that you are not comfortable with this. Tell him you want to spend time alone with him or doing other things on the weekend besides hanging out with these needy people. You are absolutely correct on that. Still though, even if that woman is rude, clueless or just plain dumb, it's on OP's husband to put an end to it and care about his wife's feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tina3108 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Share Posted April 12, 2013 The husband is yes. She , for lack of a better word, is neutral towards me. She never makes an effort to talk to me. When everyone is joking around, she will maybe direct something at me. I dont know if i am reading too much into it, because i have known her for like the 2 months i am married. We were all supposed to go clubbing a few weeks back and my husband mentioned how she said she cant picture me in a club. She is bitchy towards her sister in law and mother in law, so i am starting to feel like she can be saying alot of things to my husband, because i can be a little akward around people i don't really know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tina3108 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Share Posted April 12, 2013 If you mention it, he might pick a fight with you to get out of that situation and then learn to just delete his texts. If you're going to do it, look at it before he has a chance to come up with a way of not getting caught. I'm sorry that your exbf experience was bad, and I do think that people shouldn't snoop on one another, but OTOH, it's not really sneaky snooping if it's right in front of him and if he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't have an issue with it. Thank you so much for all the input. I guess i will have to pluck up the courage to do that , coz i am so scared of what i might find...but if i don't end this now it will drive me crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 Thank you so much for all the input. I guess i will have to pluck up the courage to do that , coz i am so scared of what i might find...but if i don't end this now it will drive me crazy. I would hate to recommend you do something and then have that backfire on you or cause you pain. I just mentioned what I would do. I'd rather know what's going on (even if it will hurt) rather than live with doubt and no sense of security. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 The husband is yes. She , for lack of a better word, is neutral towards me. She never makes an effort to talk to me. When everyone is joking around, she will maybe direct something at me. I dont know if i am reading too much into it, because i have known her for like the 2 months i am married. We were all supposed to go clubbing a few weeks back and my husband mentioned how she said she cant picture me in a club. She is bitchy towards her sister in law and mother in law, so i am starting to feel like she can be saying alot of things to my husband, because i can be a little akward around people i don't really know. Did you ask your husband what his response was to that statement? TigerCub is right it is your husband's responsibility to set boundaries between himself and this woman. She clearly is not respecting you by texting your husband all day long. Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 1 - No man puts the kind of energy your husband puts into a relationship with woman he doesn't want to screw. NO MAN. I can GUARANTEE your husband wants to screw her. Please don't argue with me on this one. We men have already won the "can men and women be platonic friends?" argument with a resounding "no freakin' way". 2 - The big question in these relationships is "does the woman want to screw the man" in this case or is she just another gal clueless to the fact that her guy pal wants sex from her? With the quantity of texts and this: She, for lack of a better word, is neutral towards me. She never makes an effort to talk to me....We were all supposed to go clubbing a few weeks back and my husband mentioned how she said she cant picture me in a club. She is bitchy towards her sister in law and mother in law, so i am starting to feel like she can be saying alot of things to my husband, because i can be a little akward around people i don't really know. Ahem...So yes. She wants to screw him as well. Next time he's lying in bed next to you, spending all of that emotional capital on another woman while in the one place that should be yours and his alone, you say "dang! I forgot to call Gamma back today. Quick, let me use your phone". Then you call a fake number, leave a fake voicemail, hang up, then casually start scrolling through the texts. His reaction will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know. You then tell him "show me that phone right now or I'm leaving". But here's the importan part: WHEN he doesn't show you the phone, you really have to leave. Scare him straight. Why would you put up with this? Yes, this is all very, very bad. Your best hope is that they really aren't trying to screw each other, they are both just fully disregarding obvious boundaries and disrespecting you in the process. That's the BEST outcoe. You see what I mean by "bad"? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 Does he show you the texts? If he has to keep his conversations with others hidden FOR ANY REASON, then you are in deep doo-doo... Google "emotional affair." That is what they are having. The fact that she is married and he is newly married means nothing. If you don't reign this in ASAP, your marriage won't survive because he is laying the ground work of being able to openly communicate with other women and you are allowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Silveron Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 Tina, The more time he is spending texting / visiting her is more time he is taking away from you. He is crossing the boundaries and it is very worryisome especially just being married. Has he gotten that comfortable with you that he is already taking you for granted? He needs to put you #1 on his priority. Does this OW husband knows they are texting so much? I doubt it. I'm sure he would like to know what is going on as well. As a man myself, there would be NO way I would be texting another chick that much. There is NO reason to! How much can they possibily talk about? I'm married and have female friends I text, but its not a every day occurance, heck it's more like 'How are you' type of thing every couple weeks or so. If he gets defensive that is a red flag, if he changes the argument and puts you on the defensive that's another red flag. Stop the conversation at that point, don't let it go in that direction. Be clear on the boundaries. Please do check his phone, it's much better to know the truth than live a lie. Either way it is affecting your relationship, if he has you thinking part of you is 'crazy' than it's a clear indication that he is doing something. My wife almost had me totally convinced I was a nut case, until I was able to get enough courage on leaving the marriage. Sorry but this guy of yours sounds selfish, rude and disrespectful. You should not be living on an emotional roller coaster especially this early in your marriage. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 12, 2013 Share Posted April 12, 2013 It's fishy as h*ll. I have to agree with some of the others here... I doubt nothing is going on. I don't mean to say they're having a physical relationship, but the amount of contact they have is inappropriate. It's already crossed a line, which frankly your husband shouldn't have felt okay crossing. The fact that you need to have this talk with him signals a problem, but his reaction to it will be a better indicator of what's really going on and what lies ahead for you both. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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