Stuck in the past and can't let it go, hoping to bring him back...

[mivi]

Hi there. I’m new in here and also came here with difficulties in my life that happen to everybody who join this site.

Anyway, to make the long story short (if it’s possible, not sure), I also need help. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 yrs. He was a great person, good friend. My, I guess, ex bfd moved to Europe from US to be with me, we lived together, traveled; I met his family and became really close with them, he became really close with my family. I started studying in another country, but he continued to live and do business with my family in my country; we tried to keep our relationship working, although it was hard, but I think we did a good job. Last year we lived together 7 months and tried to improve our relationship. There were some financial problems and I helped him out. Last year he got into the best US MBA School and started the program in Europe. At that time I finished with my Master’s and traveled to visit him. Last February I felt there was something wrong. Decided to give him a surprise visit to clear things out. Although I had to spend 5 h in front of his door, because he spent the night somewhere else, I wanted to believe what he told me. We decided that we’d gonna move in together again in May. Since he wanted to study Russian for the future business, it was supposed to be Russia, which I was fine with for a few months. A week later I left, thinking I would come back for the Easter vacation, during which we both were supposed to travel around Switzerland and France. But when I wanted to purchase the plane ticket, he told me that he would be studying during the Easter, since right after it he had his exams. I decided to not bother him and give him the time he needed. However, during the Easter he told me he decided to travel around Switzerland and smses me his itinerary. That made me feel really hurt. A few days later, I found out that he’s been seeing somebody else for the past 2 months. I sent him a mail, saying that he shouldn’t have lied to me, I knew the truth. After that, he got lost. At the end of April I found out I was pregnant with his child. We both new that in case I get pregnant we’d be against abortion for sure. I waited for him to show up in front of my door, but he never did. I found out that he moved in with this 36 yrs woman (he is 33 and I am 26), traveling together with her around, enjoying the time. I got to talk to him on the phone finally mid May, and we decided that he had to come to me and break up in a nice way. I did not dare to tell him about my pregnancy on the phone. But two weeks later he didn’t come. I called him and he said he’d come in another two weeks… However, really bad things happened to me. I lost my conciseness and fell down the stairs and lost the baby, although doctors tried to do everything to keep the baby, it was unsuccessful. 5 days in hospital did not help to keep the baby. Being in the hospital I got his sms where he asked me if I was available to talk to him. Of course, I felt I couldn’t respond it. I felt so down and lonely, because I was in a foreign country, my family did not even know what happened to me and I had nobody who could support me. I just didn’t want people to think bad of him.

I contacted him in August, after seeing a psychologist. I was suggested to contact him as he was the only person who could help me out in my situation. I can’t really explain the way I felt as it’s indescribable. But one thing I can say – all this time was really bad. In that email I told him I wanted to understand why he’s chosen somebody else over me, why he did it the way he did, and I said I loved him and I hoped he was happy no matter where he was. Only a week after I sent that email I got sms from him. He said he was traveling around Morocco and would reply to me as soon as he gets the chance, and he also said “bye Love”. I knew that woman was from Morocco. Consequently they traveled together. I emailed his mother asking for help, but not mentioning what I went thru. She said she needed some time to think. One morning I woke up and just decided to say straight to him what I went thru. I told him the truth and the way I felt. He answered me almost right away, which was a big surprise. He said the reason he kept silent was because he didn’t want to make things more complicated as everything about us was still so vulnerable. But he did say he loved me, he did say he was sorry for the pain I had and still going thru; he wants to talk to me, but don’t know where and when; he doesn’t want me to go thru this alone anymore. Also he said the reason why he pulled away from me was me wanting and needing to start a family. It’s just that he wasn’t ready financially and inside he didn’t have a “yes” answer to commit to this. Meeting somebody else was just a way to pull away from me as he didn’t want to take my best years from me. He also said he needed some time to think what it all means and that he still felt uncomfortable to write me. However, he felt that he had to give me at least something on what’s going on with him and some answers to my questions. I told him that I wanted to meet and that we needed only one day to talk about everything what that was left unsaid.

Although there is some time passed since May, but with the time I just understood more that I need this person in my life and ready to take him back. However, I am not sure if he wants that. I love him more than anything or anybody else and do want him to be with me. At the moment I am lost, confused and don’t know what to do. He hasn’t replied my last email. Every day I want to email him and tell to not keep silence as it breaks my heart. But I’m pulling away myself from doing it because I don’t think it would be a good idea to throw a bunch of emails into his mails box. I do know for sure, I need to see him so bad; I hope it might help me to let him go, but at the same time I’m scared to make things worse.

At the same time I don’t wanna let it go! We’ve invested so much time together; we’ve been thru so many things… I feel that I am ready to try to walk this road with him again and scared to tell him. I’m scared to tell him that via email, because it might scare him off; but I also know that’s the only way of our communication that’s left… I feel like I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. Don’t want let him go away from my life and I have so much feelings for him that I’m scared to share with… I’m just stuck within these thoughts and the past asking questions and hoping for him to understand me. I’d be really appreciative for any help or a direction (at least).

[Breathe]

You really need to realize that you do deserve better treatment than what he has given to you. IMO - you do need to let him go and get on with your life. He's moved on with his - you should do the same.

[ozziegirl]

Actions speak louder than words. If he loved you as much as you love him, he would be by your side. If you pursue this and get him to commit to you, you're in for a lifetime of hurt. This man may have feelings for you, or feel sympathy for you, but he doesn't want to commit to you. You can't make that happen. Move on and let it go.

[mivi]

Breathe and Ozziegirl: Thanks you guys for having patience to read thru my “trying to make the short story”. I appreciated your opinion and support. In a way I realize that if this guy did so much hurt to me at that point – he doesn’t deserve me. Who knows what he’s capable of in the future, right? But you can’t say to your heart – that’s the worst thing! I wish I was able to say that’s enough, get out of my mind, my head and my heart, I’m moving on. I’ve tried that. I’ve tried seeing some other people, which I never was in problem with. I never think about it, but I know that I am attractive and I’ve always had a lot of guys wanting to be with me. While I was in the 5 yrs relationship I had 8 people telling me that they fell in love with me, although everybody knew I was in the relationship and I didn’t want to cheat. And that is not something I’m proud of, because I don’t like hurting people. However, inside my heart I have a hurricane for only one person. I tried seeing somebody else and I have realized that it was just to “forget” myself or cover up the pain somehow. I got the chance to travel, that other guy treated me good, bought me a lot of expensive stuff, took me to different countries, and all that only within less than 2 months. At the end I still came back to being myself. I don’t think it’s possible to live the life you don’t want to or when your heart somewhere else. It sucks and I wish I was different. But I am not and I have to cope with what I have. I do know I have to move on, I do know I have to live, my life goes on. I guess another reason is that I never thought of that happening to me, just like a soup opera, really. I have come to realize that the time doesn’t make it easier on me. It’s been more than 5 months of pain. I’ve started seeing a psychologist, seeking for help there. But what I don’t understand is that I’m being said I have to start coping with myself first and do not judge his actions. How’s that possible? I mean, I understand I have to live in peace with myself, but how is it I have to think thank him for what he put me thru, you know? I don’t know what he’s going on thru, but apparently not much, if all I said to him did not made him come to me, see me, make me feel better. Geeeeee, is there point to have feelings when it can be so bad?! I think I’ve started to think that “males” are all tough pieces on earth than cannot be understood!