SELF INVITED Guest to wedding.. etiquette suggestions???? HELP!

[BridetoBEin2weeks]

Hello everyone..

 

I have a dilemma.. and need an answer.

 

My fiance and I are marrying in 2 weeks. We both decided that the wedding would be immediate family only..about 6 on his side, 6 on mine.

Mostly due to the fact that my mother is paying for the entire thing, and she is a single parent. She wants to give us a very beautiful wedding, although intimate... and I thought that this was made clear.

 

Well, somehow or another.. his cousin, about a 15 hour drive from here, whom he hasn't seen in 3 years now.. invited himself. My fiance didn't object. Then, yesterday, while on the phone.. he (the cousin) informed my fiance once again he was bringing his sister (my fiance did not object again, he's sort of aloof)... we since cleared up that dilemma and she will not be attending.

 

The problem, the cousin is still coming. He is a couple years past being 21, and from what I gather he is a drinker and somewhat wishy washy from what my fiance's family member says.

 

So, here's my concern.. a few of them.

 

1) he's young, so he probably thinks coming down here is some excuse to party. Albeit, we are getting married in a semi snotty upper crust club that will NOT tolerate that behavior in any way. I'm scared, that I will be embarrassed.

 

2) I don't know this person. I've never met him. I'll probably see him a couple of times in my lifetime, if that. I don't think it's fair that my mother, a single income mamma.. have to pay for a cousin.. when I myself, have refused inviting anyone else that i would LOVE to invite out of consideration for my mother and the expenses.

 

3) If he doesn't show up, and he is indeed "wishy washy" as claimed.. my mother is out a bit of moola and will be extremely upset!

It is close to a 15 hour drive, and he's young.. who's to say he will indeed make it..especially when "apparently" he's not very interested in being a "part of things" anyway.

 

4) He was NOT invited.. HOW RUDE!

 

Really, the part that bothers me the most is that I have sacrificed a guest list so basically now, his cousin can attend. Whereas, i'd much rather someone CLOSE to me that lives here, were to attend. And, i'd rather not get reamed for years to come about him not showing up/getting drunk.

 

How on earth do I handle this, without being the bad guy? Is there anything or anyway to handle it? Or do I just shut up and be a good bride and let my day be possible messed up by this perfect stranger.

 

Any help is greatly appreciated.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

put your foot down and tell your fiance he can't come. don't worry about being the bad guy, you have very valid concerns.

[Adunaphel]

Is it very important for your fiance that his cousin attends the wedding? Or he couldn't care less and has just problems to tell him not to be at the wedding? Like, he is unable to be straight with him because he is afraid of offending him?

 

If your soon-to-be-husband would *really*love it if the cousin was there....well, I suggest you try to compromise....like if he is at the wedding, he will have to behave in a very appropriate way and your fiance will have to make sure of it (by telling him before the wedding to act nicely and not to drink). And your fiance (if he has personal savings) or his family could pay the expenses for the extra guest.

 

Otherwise I think that it would not be rude to ask the cousin not to come to the wedding, your fiance has just to explain that it will be a *very* intimate thing and that even your best friends and many relatives closer than him won't be there.

 

He can come see you and your husband later, after the marriage. Let him know that in a different occasion he will be more than welcome.

 

You need not worry about voicing (to him) your worries about a possible unappropriate behaviour from his part.

 

How did he get to know about the marriage? Did your fiance tell him?

[Papillon]

It's simple - you've been planning this for months, and the arrangements are set. Your cousin-in-law has to live with it. Don't feel bad about giving him the heave-ho, YOU DON'T INVITE YOURSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Papillon.

 

Explain to them the full situation and make sure they know that if they come then other people's feelings will be hurt because it's not fair that ONE cousin came and not another... This person obviously has no regard for how uncomfortable they've made this for you both.

 

All the best and have a wonderful wedding!!!

[billybadass36]

Call the cousin yourself and say, "Hey, this is so and so's fiance. I'm sorry that I have to do this, but (insert fiance's name) says you're planning on coming to the wedding, and I don't think that he quite understood that this is a small, immediate-family-only wedding. Either that, or he was just afraid of hurting your feelings. Anyway, money's sort of tight, and while we'd love to have you there, it's simply not feasible, and if some other, closer friends and relatives learn of your attending, then there will definitely be feelings hurt. I'm sorry, but I really hope you understand. Thanks, and I really look forward to finally meeting you sometime in the very near future."

[tiki]

I'd say, "You DO realize that this is a very intimate wedding, correct? Wouldn't you prefer to come for an after party?"

[SoleMate]

billybad*ss said it just right. Polite and caring, but clear and firm.

 

A 12 person wedding could really be clouded by the participation of this guy, so don't let it happen.

[BridetoBEin2weeks]

Yes..

 

I agree with EVERY single one of you actually.

 

You know up above, where I stated the "sister" of the cousin was taken care of, how she was not coming?

 

Well, the father of those two, uncle butthead.. emailed my fiance's family today raising a stink over why she can't come as well. (she's 18-19 for christs sake, this is a formal and very "adult" event, she's a cousin, I don't know her, she lives very far)

 

Apparently, the cousin who invited himself made it sound a certain way, other than it was..probably playing vicitim.

 

.. So now the Uncle is like "well, I and my wife were invited".. well yes and no, they were not invited.. but we would have had them had they wanted to come were they not showcasing their snobby lifestyle on the rich and famous.

 

They are also closer blood family, so it would have been appropriate to have them, but their kids?? .. Unfortunately, their riches will be taking them down to some exotic land, yet again, for a month or better. So, they think that because they can't come to the wedding, that they can send their children in their place.

 

I don't want a one of them at the wedding now.. and i'll be taking all of your advice on how to handle this situation.

 

Any advice for the spoiled parents of the spoiled self invited guest?????? I mean, I don't think it's appropriate that the father of these spoiled brats is now emailing my mother in law, causing issues. Especially when we handled this as nicely and diplomatically as we could have, presidential style, pc as they come. Yet still, they are turning our wedding day into another travesty.. i'm scared of a fued!

 

 

What is the absolute best way to handle this, word this.. without causing a rift?

[Adunaphel]

OMG were these people raised in a cave??? I'm sorry to hear that they are causing trouble.

 

Tell him that only a dozen people will be attending the wedding, and that it is NOT like you don't want them to be at the wedding.

Tell them that it will be only the closest relatives... make sure to tell him that not even your best friend or your h's best buddy will be there.

Ask him to please stop emailing your mother-in-law, tell him he is putting all of you in an embarassing situation.