Future Mother in Law Hates Me?

[the future mrs who]

Hi Everyone, thank you for stopping by to help! I am at an impasse and not sure where to go from here. Seven months ago (October) I met the man I have been waiting over 30 years for. We fell in love and enjoyed every moment. At the time he had never moved out of his parents house in 34 years, and was/is helping raise his amazing 4 year old niece. At first his mom was leery, totally understandable as he is her best friend and he has always helped in the raising of his niece. As things progressed I tried my hardest to befriend her and get her to like me, but it would only work for days at a time, and then she would be complaining about me again. At the time I was living in the mountains and spent a lot of time avoiding snow at their house, so i figured she was just sick of me being around so much. I tried to always let him be available to help her and we spent most of our free time hanging with the family. I do admit that there would be times that I would ask my boyfriend to spend a little time alone with me, because I was overdosed with family time, but it was never excessive. Anyways...Fast forward to March (last month) He gave me with a beautiful engagement ring and asked me to marry him. I of course said yes and we started to plan for our future. First step being that he moved in with me and his best friend (we can't afford to live on our own thanks to the American economy!) From day one his mom has been furious! She now hates me, and doesn't make any bones about it. She is constantly saying horrible hurtful things about me and I am no longer welcome in their home. My fiance spends all of his free time at his old home (at least 8 hours a day), i honestly can say I saw more of him when we lived apart and were dating, and when i have brought this up to him he gets upset and says I am trying to come between him and his family which is exactly what she is saying behind my back. Last week him and I fought because I found out she offered to give him custody of his niece if he left me. I was understandably upset but he brushed it off as something she would never do! Last night he told me that his mom said our roommate told her that i hate the 4 year old, which is a completely and utterly false. I love her and besides the roommate never said such thing and now his mother is making up bold face lies involving an innocent child! I just don't know what to do. We argue all the time now about this because he feels telling his mother to "shut the f-up" is defending me, and I don't feel he is standing up for me. I am really hurt and don't know what to do. I have tried my hardest to befriend her, and its to the point it's pointless she is determined to hate me. Today I am feeling very hopeless and just need some good advice. Please help!

[sb129]

Ouch.

 

You've invaded Mommys turf and she obviously doesn't like it. Fiance obviously has some issues cutting those apron strings!

 

Its not about you- its about them, but its a very difficult situation to navigate...

 

Have you tried talking to fiance rationally and calmly? Telling his mum to shut the f up is all very well but its inflammatory and hurtful, so is only going to make her resent the situation even more.

 

As for the custody thing, well that is manipulative and wrong....

[the future mrs who]

thank you SB! Please help with advice people, I really need some emotionally unattached opinions!

[Poppy fields]

Do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of this treatment?

[january2011]

As devastating as it is, I'd advise you to walk away.

 

As sb129 wrote, it's not about you, it's about them. And until he cuts the apron strings of his own volition, she will come between any woman he chooses.

 

I'm sorry, people don't change until something drastic happens. And if starting a life with you is not enough to make your fiance see that he needs to re-state his boundaries with his mother, then it's going to take a much bigger life change. Something devastating, most likely.

 

You have to decide if you really do want a lifetime of this treatment, as Poppy fields asked. It won't get better anytime soon. What will you do if she turns up to your wedding and ruins it? Or if you decide that you don't want her there and your fiance objects?

 

If he cannot stand up to his mother now, he's unlikely to be able to do so after you are married. She will try to interfere with all your plans and he will let her.

 

You don't need to give him an ultimatum, you just need to decide when you have had enough and then walk away.

[LuckyLady13]

I would agree 100% with the replies so far but I can't. The reason why is because I ended up in your situation purely by accident (and my own stupidity).

 

I started dating this guy who was living with his mother and assumed all on my own that he was just in-between and went through a breakup situation or whatever and had spent years not living with her. Bad assumption on my part. I found out after we were dating for some time that he never moved out!

 

In the beginning, it was this crazy situation with his mother trying to retain an ownership over him like he was a piece of luggage or furniture I was trying to steal from her. She got angry, tried to hurt my feelings...she treated me quite bad.

 

He decided after not much time really that he wanted to be with me and not live with her anymore so in his own way cut her off for 6 months. I kept trying to get him to talk to her and work things out but he flat out refused saying she needed to "learn her lesson". I didn't agree with his way of going about it and worried something may happen in the meantime and he'd regret what he was doing for the rest of his life.

 

Fast forward a few months, he starts talking to mom quite a bit again and maybe in a way he was right because now she treats me great, I invite her over, we spend quality time together, text message sometimes and get along great! Now she feels she gained a daughter rather than lost a son. She feels she has the best of both worlds.

 

For me now...it's crazy thinking back on how she was at first. She's someone else today entirely! I didn't think she would open her eyes and let go of the idea of her son not being there 24/7 anymore which is so incredibly unhealthy for a parent to do when their son is in their 30's. The way she acted at first, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel but now here I am.

 

It's up to him though to distance himself from his mother and cut those strings which are long overdue for being cut! She's having a very unhealthy relationship with her son and if she isn't going to fix that, he needs to.

 

It's up to you if you think this guy is truly worth waiting this out. Waiting for him to do what should've been done years ago. When I found out the situation I was in, I had to make the decision.

 

Is he worth it?

[ForeverHopeful1]

To be blunt, dont marry him until he grows a pair and cuts his own umbilical cord. Seriously. I would be a little weary of the situation myself. I have always had support from my partner. He goes by the rule, "I stand behind my wife and she is my partner. I will defend her until I am blue in the face, to anyone." When you are speaking of marrying someone, you should feel like they have your back 100% and I see you being upset with good reason.

 

She doesnt have to like you, or even love you, but she ITS TIME TO CUT THE CORD, MOMMA!!! He is a grown man, who can make his own choices in life, and I dont understand why any of this is her business. If she doesnt like you, thats fine... she isnt marrying you.

 

The thing I would really worry about is what else is he going to stand behind her with in the future? Will he always choose his mother over you? What about children? WIll she pull crazy shananagans when you have children? Will he completely disregard what you want because his mother wants something? Do we have a Mommas boy on our hands here? Is there a reason he never moved out before 34 years old? I mean, thats a red flag to me. I am not at all trying to bash him, but it gives some insight into his R with his mother. I mean, who lives with their parents at that age? Seriously. 34 is a little old to be living at home in my opinion and would raise a HUGE red flag to me.

 

I would sit down with him and have a talk, leaving all anger, emotions and resentment out of the equation. There is no reason to be hostile, even if you feel like being hostile. She SHOULD STFU, and know better, but clearly, she doesnt. That doesnt mean you need to address it that way though. Address your partner calmly and if he really doesnt understand, then you need to figure out what you want to do.

 

I would ask that my partner stands behind me, as his life partner, and stands up to whoever tries to come between us. I do the same. He is my husband. I am his wife. We are a team. Everyone else, not part of our team. Lol. It doesnt matter whether it is his accountant or his mother. He is with you, wants you to be his wife, and to be honest, he should stand behind you, his partner. He is scared to tell her to cool it or defend you in any of this and I dont know why. Honestly, if he said, "enough mom, I love this woman. She is my love. She is my life. She will soon be my wife. I am standing behind her and I would really like it if you could stand back, and respect MY decision to be happy with her."

 

To be very honest, I would NOT marry him unless and until he speaks to her and this situation is resolved. She clearly has issues with you, (and Im sure any other woman,) and he clearly has issues telling his mother to BACK OFF. I wouldnt marry him until he stands behind you, not his mother. He has chosen her over you here, and thats scary stuff, especially when you are 30 and 34 and would probably like to live a grown up life. He should be telling his mother to back off. You would be signing yourself up for a life of turmoil and drama and I can only hope he is worth it. I am not saying give up on him, but hold off on the wedding until he can grow a pair and tell her to chill out and let her know this is NOT her choice, but his! What I also want to ask is... what is the huge rush here? People dont really actually know one another until a few years in... so please take your time. I know you are both in your 30s and time is of the essence but dont rush into marriage with him. You have time. Use it wisely. I dont want you to live your entire life being undermined by these two and with the way things are going, you will be one miserable woman. I dont want that for you.

 

xoxoxox

[the future mrs who]

Thank you so much everyone for the input, please keep it coming! I am tearing up right now because for the first time I am feeling supported for my heartache...

[Standard-Fare]

A couple questions: Where is the niece's mother? (Your story makes it sound like she's not in the picture.) And does your fiancee have a job? (I questioned it because you said he'll spend "eight hours a day" at his mother's home -- who has time for that when they're working?)

 

Tricky situation since you love the guy, but honestly it's time for him to decide what he wants -- turning into Norman Bates or going for it with a marriage with a woman he loves.

 

You need to make it absolutely clear to him that you won't marry unless things can change, and you need to hear a plan from him about HOW things can change. If there's no light at the end of this tunnel, you need to know that before you put on that ring.

 

And for the record, no woman would tolerate this. The problem's not you. It's them.

[the future mrs who]

Hi standard the answer to both questions is no. His nieces mother is not in the picture and her father is around but not her parent, she is being raised by my fiance's parents (they have legally adopted her).

 

Currently my fiance is not working full time. He works part time/on call and is a full time student.

[tbf]

Wouldn't it be easy to get the roommate to back your version? Next time, instead of having a big fight over her false accusations, present the truth to him in terms that he can't dispute. In doing so, it will erode on his belief in her authenticity.

 

But then, you have to ask yourself why he would believe his mother over your word. Without trust between partners, marriage won't last.

[the future mrs who]

very very true tbf.

[the future mrs who]

Well I have bad news to report, I heard him yelling at his mom on the phone tonight and so I tried talking to him calmly expressing my feelings and he got angry with me and is currently sleeping on the couch! He said some pretty hurtful things but instead of yelling I found myself loosing emotion and being blunt which was my passive aggressive reaction I guess (I hate that!) so now I'm sitting in bed more confused because he would not answer if he wanted to move in just to get away from his parents house (controlling mother/drug addict brother) or because he wants to start a life with me (I doubt because he spends all his free time there) he just yelled at me and walked out! I feel numb right now and just want to grab my keys and leave but I've got nowhere to go...please pray for me!

[tbf]

Out of curiosity, why would you talk to him about your feelings when he's upset enough to yell at his mother? Doing so would only add to his existing stress where he's not going to be focused on your well-being, still seething in anger.

[the future mrs who]

To be honest I don't know, maybe his mom is right I am controlling and manipulating him? I just don't know anymore I guess deep down I'm just so hurt that he spends so little time with me, I see him maybe an hour or two a night before I have to go to bed for work!

[tbf]

No idea what you've been doing but I can say that you couldn't have picked the worst time to have the discussion.

 

What I would suggest at this point is to back off and give him some room to breath. Right now, I bet he feels like the tug-o-war rope between you and his mother.

[the future mrs who]

Yes you are very right, I'm going to head to bed and get some sleep gotta work all day tomorrow.

[sb129]

Out of curiosity, why would you talk to him about your feelings when he's upset enough to yell at his mother? Doing so would only add to his existing stress where he's not going to be focused on your well-being, still seething in anger.

 

I'm sorry this happened, but not surprised in the slightest.

 

Men HATE feeling hen pecked by women- they go into automatic shutdown mode. He got it from both sides, I feel a bit sorry for the guy...!

 

At this stage now you're going to have to wait for him to either come to you or at the very least calm right down before you can approach this again.

[tbf]

I'm sorry this happened, but not surprised in the slightest.

 

Men HATE feeling hen pecked by women- they go into automatic shutdown mode. He got it from both sides, I feel a bit sorry for the guy...!

 

At this stage now you're going to have to wait for him to either come to you or at the very least calm right down before you can approach this again.

It's not just men. I hate being nagged and refuse to nag. If it feels like a partner is nagging or needs to be nagged, I'm gone from the relationship since life's too short for unnecessary stress and drama of this sort.

[sb129]

It's not just men. I hate being nagged and refuse to nag. If it feels like a partner is nagging or needs to be nagged, I'm gone from the relationship since life's too short for unnecessary stress and drama of this sort.

 

 

You're right, I don't like it much either.

[LuckyLady13]

because he would not answer if he wanted to move in just to get away from his parents house (controlling mother/drug addict brother) or because he wants to start a life with me (I doubt because he spends all his free time there) he just yelled at me and walked out!

 

Bad timing for that conversation! Lesson learned. If somebody is stressed out, don't badger them about something whether it's related or unrelated. Let them breathe.

 

I noticed two things you mentioned and one is you think what his mother is saying about you may be right? Seriously? The woman has her fully grown son living with her and she adopted the niece but is trying to make him such a part of this to keep him around for years to come and you're wondering if YOU are manipulative? I'm sure his niece is a great kid and he loves her but she's got three parents at the moment now and if things weren't already strange enough in that house...

 

 

The other thing is, you are absolutely fooling yourself if you think this guy of yours hasn't run across women before you who didn't know he's a mama's boy living at home who were interested in him for the same reasons you were or reasons you didn't notice. I'm sure he could've found someone to move in with a long, loooooooong time before you.

 

I don't know if between his mother (what she said about you) and him spending time with her is starting to do your head in or what but if you really think he couldn't have found someone else to move in with to get away from his family before this, you are highly insecure.

 

I'm going to say I think the circumstances are why you are feeling so insecure and unsure of yourself. If that's the case, you have to learn to start letting this stuff go. You're not thinking logically but you know that. That's why you said something in one of your posts about getting an unemotional perspective or something like that. You know you aren't thinking logically about this situation.

 

I won't go the route of so many on this forum who will tell you to hurry and cut your losses and run because I wonder sometimes if these same people are in relationships who say this. Probably not.

 

What I really hope you will think about though is my original question. Is he worth it? Do you have a great sex life? Do you two have chemistry? Have fun together? Have a lot in common?

 

If you don't have a great thing going on with this guy, I'd say he's not worth all this trouble with his mother and all this baggage he's got going on that he has to deal with.

 

Take some time and really think about this. Every man is going to come with some kind of baggage but he's got to be real special to put up with the amount this guy has.

 

If you do think he's worth it, then put your big girl combat boots on and get ready because you're going to be in for one serious fight/war with his mother for a while until she gets it through her thick skull that her son has grown up and he's going to live his own life finally.

[the future mrs who]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks again for all of your support over the weekend! In regards to some of your questions, yes Cherry there is really not more too it, she just does not like me. Like you guys said, she wants to keep controlling him, and does not like that I support him becoming independent. Him and I have discussed alot of the suggestions and the situation over the last few days and I have come to a compromise for the current time. I do love him, and I am willing to give him a little more time to make the break (after all it really has only been a month since he moved out I am just being impatient!) I have realized that I need to forget what his mom says because in reality you guys are right this is between them and not really about me so I have decided to just ignore her and move on with my life. I have also decided to fill my life with other things besides my relationship and i have signed up to volunteer and do some extra curricular activities on my own. I told him that he can spend time where he wants and if he wants to be at his parents home then I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for him to come home, I'm gonna have my own life and we will go from there. So I am feeling much better and looking forward to my future, and I thank you so much for all of your help over the last week, it really was awesome to have support. Thank you all@ God Bless!

[the future mrs who]

Well everyone, I just wanted to give a post event update, and I am sad to report that I will no longer have to worry about his mother because she is no longer my future mother in law. We have decided to break up. We had made peace on the fight Friday, when I found out two days ago he had lied to me, and convinced our roommate to lie to me as well, about a pay check that he told me he did not receive. It would of been excusable, except yesterday we finally sat down to talk, and he refused to admit any wrong doing, would not apologize and said I was lying to him because over the last month I have only lost a few pounds so I must not really be trying to have a baby (never mind that I've been working full time for the first time in over a year but whatever!) Anyway we had a long discussion last night and we realized we moved too fast, and he needs to focus on his independance from his mom and not a full time committed relationship. Neither of us have been happy for a while now so I am looking forward to working on my own self and finding my own life apart from a relationship. So in the end I think it will all be for the best. Thanks again for the support.

[Gagirl]

Your relationship is not going to work. My in laws have disliked me since we got married. They've treated me like trash for 20 years and they almost convinced my husband to divorce me even though we have small children. We were able to work it out after he realized I was going to take him up on his offer, move at least 4 hours away and give him 75% custody. He would not have help because they live 6 hours away.

 

They have spread nasty rumors about me and my character that simply is not true. It calmed down some and his mother tired to start it up again. Don't know why they think our children would be better off. He finally told me what they were saying and I went off on Facebook without naming names and giving specifics and that seemed to put a stop to it. My husband also confronted his brother about his wife's mouth only after I threw a huge fit about it. It was not as bad until we had children and that's when the floodgates really opened up. Shoot, they were in the mist of making a family picture and didn't include me. The only way I found out was because my husband was getting the kids ready for the picture. It made me so mad that I showed up wearing black and had my kids in black and blue while everyone else was wearing white. Good luck! I really hope that it works out well for you. Just make sure you stand up for yourself. I never did until recently. They never knew what a fighter I was or how resilient I can be.

[Nyla]

Though I feel very sad for you because of the end of your relationship, I must say that you dodged a bullet. Your ex was far too attached to his mother and it looks like he chose her over you. Just from what you posted here, it seems like he was coddled and spoiled too much.

 

My eldest bro runs to my mother with every problem he has, particularly his relationship angst. He has lost two live in girlfriends because he is a mama's boy. What makes it worse is that my brother would love to have a wife and kids, but instead he is unhappily single in his early forties. Nothing is wrong with being single at any age, but I know my brother is sad and embarrassed that he is without a wife and kids at this point in his life.

 

My BIL is my MIL's favorite son. She hates my BIL's wife with a passion because of it. In my MIL's eyes, my BIL's wife can never do anything right as a mother and a wife. Thank God my hubby and I are far away; he isn't his mother's favorite so there is much less snarkiness from my MIL.