need advice

[Victoria]

I really need someone to give me advice. I need an unbiased opinion. I have dated my boyfriend for almost five years. January will make it five. Well, we are long distance. Our realtionship has become more and more difficult to maintain as the years have progressed. Our feelings for eachother have grown stronger while the miles have increased. I am at the point where I feel I need more stability and security in our relationship. His job brings him into different cities with indefinate time frames. I never know when I will be able to see him next. It is driving me crazy. I am doing my best to understand and work with his schedule. We both are 25 years old. He feels that he is not ready for a commitment such as marriage. He says that we will have to live in the same city for a while for him to know and decide whether we are capable of marriage. We have done this already, we have lived together for 2-3 months. He says "I don't feel marriage". Him saying this consitently hurts my feelings and makes me feel that our relationship is essentially meaningless. It will be at least 6 months before I will be able to relocate inorder to be in the same vicinity and even then he will be traveling. He is right in reference to marriage, we should be physically close but, I feel that he is constantly able to bring up other reasons for not marrying. If it is not this it is something else. He says he wants a future together but, I feel insecure in our relationship, I never know where we are going. It hurts me to see couples including my close friends getting married after one year and I have spent five with no form of higher commitment. He works long hours and I have to even avoid calling him when I feel I really need him because of his hectic schedule. When we talk he is tired and uninterested in my conversation. I am feeling neglected and lonely even after I talk to him. I have told him how I feel and we both don't want to break up because of love but we both do because of circumstance. We are trying to wade through the storm so our future will hopefully be bright. Should we try to continue this realtionship and hope that the future will be better or should we end our relationship? Please help!

[Dragonflys]

Hi

 

This is a really tough situation to be in.

 

The bottom line I can see is that you are not satisfied with what is going on, and he seems not to be able to compromise. That is why you are here.

 

It depends how much you love him and believe things will get better soon enough for you. Only YOU know that.

 

If you feel that he needs to make more sacrifices for you that he won't, then you should consider saying to him that you wish to see other people in order to find out just how much you mean to each other, and to stop 'wading'. You are 25, you deserve to be happy.

 

If your love is undying, then no other man will have any chance to take you away from him, and if he really loves you, he will either agree to the suggestion, or promptly do something about this for your sake. I don't care how motivated he is for work, no work should override your quality of life.

 

If you feel you are wading, get out of that.

 

Oliver

 

I really need someone to give me advice. I need an unbiased opinion. I have dated my boyfriend for almost five years. January will make it five. Well, we are long distance. Our realtionship has become more and more difficult to maintain as the years have progressed. Our feelings for eachother have grown stronger while the miles have increased. I am at the point where I feel I need more stability and security in our relationship. His job brings him into different cities with indefinate time frames. I never know when I will be able to see him next. It is driving me crazy. I am doing my best to understand and work with his schedule. We both are 25 years old. He feels that he is not ready for a commitment such as marriage. He says that we will have to live in the same city for a while for him to know and decide whether we are capable of marriage. We have done this already, we have lived together for 2-3 months. He says "I don't feel marriage". Him saying this consitently hurts my feelings and makes me feel that our relationship is essentially meaningless. It will be at least 6 months before I will be able to relocate inorder to be in the same vicinity and even then he will be traveling. He is right in reference to marriage, we should be physically close but, I feel that he is constantly able to bring up other reasons for not marrying. If it is not this it is something else. He says he wants a future together but, I feel insecure in our relationship, I never know where we are going. It hurts me to see couples including my close friends getting married after one year and I have spent five with no form of higher commitment. He works long hours and I have to even avoid calling him when I feel I really need him because of his hectic schedule. When we talk he is tired and uninterested in my conversation. I am feeling neglected and lonely even after I talk to him. I have told him how I feel and we both don't want to break up because of love but we both do because of circumstance. We are trying to wade through the storm so our future will hopefully be bright. Should we try to continue this realtionship and hope that the future will be better or should we end our relationship? Please help!

[Nic]

sometimes circumstances can make a loving relationship very hard. your feelings for each other may have grown stronger, but sometimes that is not enough.

 

you say you need stability and security in your relationship. you may love him dearly, but you are not getting that security and stability that you really need. it is not secure to not know when you are going to see him next.

 

just because he is not ready for marriage does not make the relationship meaningless. your relationship can have a lot of meaning and a lot of feeling, but it has to be able to bring you what you need from it.

 

he might want a future with you, but he may never want marriage. if getting married is very important to you in cementing that committment, you will have to decide if you are able to live in a relationship where marriage is not on the cards for him.

 

my main concern is this mans priority being his work. you should be his main priority. he obviously has the skills and qualifications to find himself a good job, but i think he should be able to compromise. it doesn't matter how hard a day he has had at work, he should be able to put his day behind him when he walks out the door and at least show some interest in you, especially when he doesn't have the opportunity to see you.

 

if he can't compromise, and you find yourself wanting different things, then you will really have decide if you can continue feeling like this. you're only 25, so if it doesn't work out, you have plenty of time and there will be many more opportunities out there for you.

I really need someone to give me advice. I need an unbiased opinion. I have dated my boyfriend for almost five years. January will make it five. Well, we are long distance. Our realtionship has become more and more difficult to maintain as the years have progressed. Our feelings for eachother have grown stronger while the miles have increased. I am at the point where I feel I need more stability and security in our relationship. His job brings him into different cities with indefinate time frames. I never know when I will be able to see him next. It is driving me crazy. I am doing my best to understand and work with his schedule. We both are 25 years old. He feels that he is not ready for a commitment such as marriage. He says that we will have to live in the same city for a while for him to know and decide whether we are capable of marriage. We have done this already, we have lived together for 2-3 months. He says "I don't feel marriage". Him saying this consitently hurts my feelings and makes me feel that our relationship is essentially meaningless. It will be at least 6 months before I will be able to relocate inorder to be in the same vicinity and even then he will be traveling. He is right in reference to marriage, we should be physically close but, I feel that he is constantly able to bring up other reasons for not marrying. If it is not this it is something else. He says he wants a future together but, I feel insecure in our relationship, I never know where we are going. It hurts me to see couples including my close friends getting married after one year and I have spent five with no form of higher commitment. He works long hours and I have to even avoid calling him when I feel I really need him because of his hectic schedule. When we talk he is tired and uninterested in my conversation. I am feeling neglected and lonely even after I talk to him. I have told him how I feel and we both don't want to break up because of love but we both do because of circumstance. We are trying to wade through the storm so our future will hopefully be bright. Should we try to continue this realtionship and hope that the future will be better or should we end our relationship? Please help!

[sparkle]

Hello Victoria,

 

Five years is a very long time. That means you were about 20 when you first started dating him. Wow.

 

You said you need more stability and security. But it's already been 5 years. He should've given you that years ago.

 

His first priority is his job. What's the point of your relationship if you two never see each other, don't hang out with each other...don't make a committment to each other and discuss and plan your future??

 

This guy doesn't want to marry you, but he doesn't want to leave you either.

 

Maybe he doesn't want to marry you because he's been with you since he was only 20. He's looking around and thinking "the grass is greener...". He thinks there may be something better out there, someone for him and he doesn't want to commit to you.

 

He's being very immature by bringing up all sorts of excuses for not being ready for marriage. This relationship is going NOWHERE. It's at a dead stop. You're with him because you're comfortable with him. He's with you for the same reason. Even though you two might've had some short term relationships, it's nothing like what you two have shared.

 

Five years of each other...you two have been with each other, and you don't know how you'll survive without each other. But you will survive. You're only in it because you two are comfortable with each other. You're USED TO each other. and it's convenient.

 

And you're scared about leaving each other. And you're thinking, what if you don't find someone else? What if this was "the one"??

 

But you're feeling neglected and lonely in this relationship; he's uninterested. He's taking you for granted. Those things shouldn't be occurring if this relationship was moving along and if you two love each other and are IN love with each other.

 

PLEASE do yourself a big favor and follow your heart. But remember to think with your head. Is this making you happy? The answer is No. Being neglected and put on a back burner wouldn't make anyone the least bit happy.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but even though this guy hasn't really done anything terribly wrong, he seems like a big JERK to me. He's used to you, and he's keeping you by your side. But he doesn't want a committment in case something better comes along. He's also got his priorities screwed up. You SHOULD BE # 1 in his life. YOU DESERVE IT. You are WORTHY of it; you DESERVE IT.

 

Maybe your self-esteem isn't all that high right now. But sweetie, please get this through your head.

 

You deserve a guy who will be there when you need him.

 

You deserve a guy that can make a full committment to you.

 

You deserve to be his #1 priority.

 

You deserve to have him make you feel special.

 

You deserve to have him make you feel wanted and loved.

 

Is this guy giving you all of the above?

 

Is he making you happy?

 

Tell him that 5 years is a very long time. You have your own life to live and you won't stick around until he's ready to decide when he wants to marry you. Tell him you want a guy that will be able to see a future together. You want a guy that won't have a problem committing this to you. Have a serious talk with him.

 

It looks like you two have gotten very used to each other over the past 5 years. Looks like he doesn't realize what he's got. Take a break from him. When he sees that he doesn't have you anymore, that's when it will take effect. Either you'll see that he doesnt want you, or he'll miss you and realize that he's losing you. He may come back with an offer promising committment/marriage etc, but it may be too late then. You may not be around any more. You may find a guy that really cares about you and is willing to place you #1 on his priority list.

[Deejette]

It sounds luke-warm on his part and effortful on your part. It is not good that work is the center of his life. I mean, if he were out there finding a cure for cancer, then I could understand it. But he is too busy to talk to you on the phone, and when you need him you feel like you are interrupting.

 

This doesn't sound like a marriage situation. You are the one who wants marriage, he doesn't. Otherwise, he would have proposed by now. Instead, he says, "I don't feel marriage." How much more of a hint do you want? It is not even a hint. He is coming right out and saying it.

 

If marriage is what you want, and having someone to be there for you is what you desire, then cut your losses and move on. If he comes back to you because he can't stand the loss, good. Let him propose marriage then. If not, you will truly know where he stands.

Hello Victoria, Five years is a very long time. That means you were about 20 when you first started dating him. Wow. You said you need more stability and security. But it's already been 5 years. He should've given you that years ago. His first priority is his job. What's the point of your relationship if you two never see each other, don't hang out with each other...don't make a committment to each other and discuss and plan your future?? This guy doesn't want to marry you, but he doesn't want to leave you either. Maybe he doesn't want to marry you because he's been with you since he was only 20. He's looking around and thinking "the grass is greener...". He thinks there may be something better out there, someone for him and he doesn't want to commit to you. He's being very immature by bringing up all sorts of excuses for not being ready for marriage. This relationship is going NOWHERE. It's at a dead stop. You're with him because you're comfortable with him. He's with you for the same reason. Even though you two might've had some short term relationships, it's nothing like what you two have shared. Five years of each other...you two have been with each other, and you don't know how you'll survive without each other. But you will survive. You're only in it because you two are comfortable with each other. You're USED TO each other. and it's convenient. And you're scared about leaving each other. And you're thinking, what if you don't find someone else? What if this was "the one"?? But you're feeling neglected and lonely in this relationship; he's uninterested. He's taking you for granted. Those things shouldn't be occurring if this relationship was moving along and if you two love each other and are IN love with each other. PLEASE do yourself a big favor and follow your heart. But remember to think with your head. Is this making you happy? The answer is No. Being neglected and put on a back burner wouldn't make anyone the least bit happy. I'm sorry to say this, but even though this guy hasn't really done anything terribly wrong, he seems like a big JERK to me. He's used to you, and he's keeping you by your side. But he doesn't want a committment in case something better comes along. He's also got his priorities screwed up. You SHOULD BE # 1 in his life. YOU DESERVE IT. You are WORTHY of it; you DESERVE IT. Maybe your self-esteem isn't all that high right now. But sweetie, please get this through your head. You deserve a guy who will be there when you need him. You deserve a guy that can make a full committment to you. You deserve to be his #1 priority. You deserve to have him make you feel special.

 

You deserve to have him make you feel wanted and loved. Is this guy giving you all of the above?

 

Is he making you happy? Tell him that 5 years is a very long time. You have your own life to live and you won't stick around until he's ready to decide when he wants to marry you. Tell him you want a guy that will be able to see a future together. You want a guy that won't have a problem committing this to you. Have a serious talk with him. It looks like you two have gotten very used to each other over the past 5 years. Looks like he doesn't realize what he's got. Take a break from him. When he sees that he doesn't have you anymore, that's when it will take effect. Either you'll see that he doesnt want you, or he'll miss you and realize that he's losing you. He may come back with an offer promising committment/marriage etc, but it may be too late then. You may not be around any more. You may find a guy that really cares about you and is willing to place you #1 on his priority list.