meat department Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 So long story short: Met a guy. Hit is off. We both agreed to be in an exclusive sex only relationship.( please don't feel the need to slut shame me, I used protection, etc) We then proceed to do that for the next 7 months. I found out on the 2nd that he is married. ( I am in the middle of a lengthy divorce) Here are my questions I texted him and got no response. Why didn't I? I think I am owed an explanation since we have been in doing this for 7 months. I know that if it was a few months or once I am not owed anything but I feel like I am. The lying just blows my mind. We texted everyday and emailed all the time. I didn't have romantic feelings but I did believe that we had a fun thing going on. Clearly I haven't dated in years so I have no clue about any of this or what to do? What I would like to do is go find him and ask him in person what his deal is but I know that is crazy, like boiling rabbits crazy. As for telling the wife I put that question on a another forum. Link to post Share on other sites
coffeebean201 Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 I would step back. The relationship has turned a corner. Sounds like a decision that may take a while. I recommend starting to date other people, since this relationship didn't start with the best of intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
nonameforme Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 So long story short: Met a guy. Hit is off. We both agreed to be in an exclusive sex only relationship.( please don't feel the need to slut shame me, I used protection, etc) We then proceed to do that for the next 7 months. I found out on the 2nd that he is married. ( I am in the middle of a lengthy divorce) Here are my questions I texted him and got no response. Why didn't I? I think I am owed an explanation since we have been in doing this for 7 months. I know that if it was a few months or once I am not owed anything but I feel like I am. The lying just blows my mind. We texted everyday and emailed all the time. I didn't have romantic feelings but I did believe that we had a fun thing going on. Clearly I haven't dated in years so I have no clue about any of this or what to do? What I would like to do is go find him and ask him in person what his deal is but I know that is crazy, like boiling rabbits crazy. As for telling the wife I put that question on a another forum. No slut shaming here--I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, I think given your current state of going through a lengthy divorce and being new to the dating scene that this guy took advantage of the situation. I am sorry that you were lied to, but also look at it this way--he's also lying to the woman he made a legal vow to, so it sounds like he is a real class act. Again, not your fault. Do I think he owes you an explanation? Yes, but he won't give you one that's honest. I'm sure he'll make some pathetic excuses (or continue to avoid you and hope that you don't tell his wife), but do you really even want to listen to that BS? Here's the brighter side of this mess--you can walk away and forget him, but she doesn't have it that easy. Try to consider yourself the luckier of the two victims of his deceit. I don't really know what else to say, other than I know there are some better men out there than this. Hopefully the next one will be that way for you! Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 I disagree with you on the 2 vs 7 mths thing as far him being up front with you on this. To me a few mths vs 7 mths there is no difference when its a fwb relationship. Its going no where so what difference does it make? In saying that though I think he should have been upfront that he was married to begin with. You should have the choice whether or not you are his bit of crumpet on the side. Keeping you in the dark is shady, but then not as much as cheating on his wife. I don't know what sort of explanation you hope to get. He wanted some action on the side, and thought if he told you he was married you would not go along with it, and he'd miss out. I guess you never went back to his place, or were able to dictate the scheduling of your get togethers. As for informing his wife...given it was just a fwb thing, and he did not lead you on to thinking there was a future with him I really don't think you should. What you could do though is maybe s**t stir a little. Call his place in the evening and when his wife answers, say is X there, and then say, who's this. When she says I'm Y his wife, who's this. You say, err I cant say, got to go now and hung up. Just gets her mind ticking over. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 It's not cool that he was not honest about being married. I can definitely understand why that bothers you. On the other hand, it was only a FWB relationship. He likely truly saw it as just sex, and may feel he doesn't owe you any explanation. I'm not saying he doesn't, but he might see it that way. In my experience, FWB arrangements (and I purposely don't use the relationships here) tend to get messy and it's difficult to keep emotions out of it. One person often ends up getting hurt, even if they entered into the situation solely for physical reasons. I'd drop him like a hot potato. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meat department Posted April 15, 2013 Author Share Posted April 15, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I think I will just leave it alone. I haven't decided about telling the wife. I just feel bad cause it was sex once a week and texting every day. I had no idea he was married. My schedule made me only free during the day and we weren't dating so I didn't see him at night. I did travel a few times for "fun". I guess I am just mad about being lied too and honestly sad that its over. Link to post Share on other sites
AbeNormal Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the replies. I think I will just leave it alone. I haven't decided about telling the wife. I just feel bad cause it was sex once a week and texting every day. I had no idea he was married. My schedule made me only free during the day and we weren't dating so I didn't see him at night. I did travel a few times for "fun". I guess I am just mad about being lied too and honestly sad that its over. I guess the bit in bold is the significant point - emotions got involved. While you were going through a divorce (and I guess still are - and I can't help but wonder when that process started), you were - I presume - lying by omission to your husband. You thought/think it might negatively impact your divorce proceedings, so you lie by omission (I hope not by commission) about your fwb... So what is your problem with lying/liers anyway? And I find it hard to understand how you never really wondered whether this person had a significant other - until you started to get emotionally attached and then did a simple search. Did he ask you (and then felt fine that you were still married - because he is the bees knees of honorable men - being married himself), and did you ask him what his situation in life was? Nothing, nada ... really? If not, then you simply did not want to know - so what is the issue now? I think the thing in bold is the "real" issue for you - but really it should not be the actual issue... Your MM is a dishonorable individual. And you have acted dishonorably during this (hopefully) temporary/transitional phase of your life. At least that's my take based upon the limited information at hand. Do you think it might help you in the future to be brutally honest (with yourself) about this now? Edited April 15, 2013 by AbeNormal Link to post Share on other sites
Author meat department Posted April 15, 2013 Author Share Posted April 15, 2013 Well I caught my husband cheating on me with other men about a year and a half ago. Our divorce is slow moving and I live on my own and work through my issues. My husband lives with a women and clearly has some issues. I wondered and asked but he said he was single. I only looked him up because he causally mentioned he was on social media. I probably just attract people who lie, I am sure there is some deep character flaw I have. I am always honest about my situation. I go on dates and tell people that I am not divorced so I guess I assume that everyone else is honest. Probably time is the only thing that will help. Link to post Share on other sites
AbeNormal Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) Sorry... That "limited information at hand" problem. That's my mistake. Forget the loser MM. That I can feel confident about saying. But I feel bad about your situation - and my post - upon reading your reply. Attract people who lie? No, liars/manipulators attempt to prey upon those who are honest and good intentioned. This I will shout to the hills - honest and good intentioned individuals are gold - pure gold. Pure gold. My apologies for my post. Edited April 15, 2013 by AbeNormal Link to post Share on other sites
Author meat department Posted April 15, 2013 Author Share Posted April 15, 2013 No worries. I didn't take it personal and I did give out limited information! I just want him to explain himself but I know that will probably not happen. I am still on the fence about telling the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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