What is up with this girl?

[Weird]

Hi. I am curious to hear what you think about this.

 

About 16 months ago my ex (we were together for 2 years but knew each other for like 5 years before getting hooked up) and I had a big fight and she said some seriously nasty stuff to me and implied we would never speak to each other again. Lets just say she changed for the worse and her saying all this nasty stuff was proof to me that she was a different person. Our relationship was pretty good but we did have some distance issues to deal with as she was still in univeristy while I work full time. She is also 4 years younger than me. Before we had that huge fight she told me she wanted some space (basically we were on a break) and well, I acted like a jackass and pressed to resolve issues which as everyone knows, only pushes the person farther away and annoys them. After realizing it was useless to keep pressing, I gave up and gave her the space and respected her wishes to not try and talk to ehr until she was done the school year in April. Well wouldn't you know, she called me a few times in the middle of April (after I didn't contact her for a couple weeks) and started of some trivial small talk. After doing this a few times I fired her an email and told her that the small talk and avoiding the issue of us was not working and I felt she was correct in not wanting to talk about stuff until after she was done her exams. So I guess she took the hint and after she was done the exams she called me and told me she had changed in some ways that I would not like. She told me the changes, I got mad but still said I wanted to be with her and we could make things work. She says she doesn't know what she wants and her head is spinning but was implying she still cared and loved me. The kicker though is that it was less than a week later that we would have the huge fight and she suddenly said she didn't have the feelings anymore and wanted to go out and meet new people and such. Without going into a lot of detail, she was making up some of the lamest excuses and reasonings of her decision of things. Anyone who knew our situation agreed that she was reaching.

 

Time goes by and on my bday a few months later she sends me a birthday wish. This was the first time I had heard from her since that big fight night. Then a little bit later Christmas rolls around and out of the blue on xmas day she shows up on the instant messaging service we used to talk on. I knw that she was coming online to see if I would say merry xmas to her. I didn't but decided to email her some xmas wishes afetr she signed off. I then put up an away message after sending off that email and I came back about 2 hours later and she was on. As soon as I got rid of the away message she messaged me saying merry xmas, etc. I said thanks and she tried to start up some small talk but I had plans to go do something so I told her I had to go. After xmas night she then started coming onto the IM program for the next two weeks and would just sit there. I had a feeling she was doing this to send out a sign she would be up to talking but I never messaged her. She would stay online for about 30 minutes and then most likely realize I wasn't going to message her so she'd sign off. So she did that for a couple weeks and then the start of January rolled around and she stopped doing iy. I emailed her saying if she ever had something to talk to me about she would be welcome to contact me. I also said I found the sign on/off in the IM program to be a little curious and asked if she was doing it for me. She said yes. She also said if I ever wanted to talk to her about something to jsut give her a call as well.

 

A few months go by and she doesn't come onto the IM program. I figure hey, guess she figures there is no point in trying to talk to me cuz I have moved on. Her bday comes up in April and that day i decided to see if she would sign onto the IM program to see if I would wish her a happy bday. Sure enough that night she did. She signed on 3 times. I didn't say happy bday. After that she didn't not sign back onto the program. Feeling she maybe had something to say to me I sent her an email a week later basically telling her why I didn't say happy bday and also telling her that I am not mad at her for anythign she may have said during that fight and told her if she has thoughts of getting back together she should tell me. I got a reply back a few days later telling me that she wants me back in her life as a friend but she needed a few more months to sort things out and "get her life on track." That would be fine except for the other stuff she said. She said that right now she could only put in a half assed effort and she didn't want to. She said she wanted to put in a 100% effort...that may not seem weird to you but it did to me and to everyone who saw the email. In my 27 years of being on this planet I have never heard soemone say they needed more time before being friends with someone and have never heard someone say they wanted to make sure they could put 100% inot a friendship. She also said that she appreciated how I had given her space for the last year and wanted just a couple more months of space. So yeah, the way she wrote the email it sure seemed like she wanted to maybe get back together or at least see if things would work out. Every person who saw this email (both male and females) all agreed that it sounded like she wanted to get back together.

 

Fast forward 2 months (during which she never signed onot the IM program) and suddenly one night she signs on but like she had done in December, she doesn't message me. Just signs on and sits there most likely waiting for me to make the first move. I dont because logically she shoudl be the one to contact me since she was the one who 2 months earlier in the email she she needed abit more space. So she does this for a few days and I jsut get tired of the mickey mouse game and fire off an email to her basically looking for resolution to this whole thing. I tell her that if she just strickly wants to be friends she should not waste any more of her time because there was no way I could just be friends with her. I also said that if she does have thoughts of us getting back together or still has feelings for me that she should just come out and tell me that because I would be cool with seeing if it would work. I told her that if she wanted that to call me even if she wasn't ready to get back together now but still would like to persue it down the line. I said if it was just friends she was after then to not bother contacting me again. I didn't hear from her so I took that as my answer and was fine with it because I just wanted resolution.

 

Fast forward another two months (so this would be the end of august and was exactly two months after I sent the 2nd email) and out of the blue one night she signs on. Like before, she doesn't say anything and signs off after 10 minutes. That ngiht she signed on/off a few times. The next few nights she would do the same thing and what was really funny was this...if she signed on while I had an away message up she would sign on and then sign off within 600 seconds. What I notcied was that if my away message was short she was on/off in 10 seconds. If my message was logn she woudl be on for 30-60 seconds. After testing this I came to the conclusion her sign on/off was exactly tied to the length of my away messages. Furthermore, if I was online at the time she signed on she would stay online for like 10-15 minutes and then would sign off. Like the away message, this was basically proven to me. I decided to keep a journal of her daily signing on/off for the chance that if I ever start talking to this woman again I could show her and ask her wtf she was doing. Anyway, the last week or so she has started to sign on and stay online but with an away message. One thing I forgot to mention is that when we were together she never used this IM program to talk to anyone else. She used another IM program to talk to her friends. After seeing her signing on for the last 3 weeks I have started to think maybe she is talking to someone else on this program but I am thinking it may still be because of me becauze again, she fires up an away message like right away and she stays in an away state for basically the whole night.

 

My question is this....should I contact this person or just keep staying silent? My thinking is that she either is trying to annoy/taunt me by signing on or she is trying to send me a signal she wants to talk. You may think that hey, if she wanted tot alk she would say something but the thing is, this girl has ALWAYS been hesitant to make a move. Even when we were together she would keep things in or not make a movie/initiate things. So even though she has been told twice now my feelings of things (meaning I would be willing to give things a 2nd chance) she is still the type of person who would wait for me to say something. Quite frankly, I am getting tired of that mentality because I have given her the "in" she has needed in those two emails and I am sick of trying to initiate stuff. I also am hesitant to contact her because if I do she could possibly flip the script on me and then try and take control. Right now I think I have the control because I have expressed my feelings/opinions of stuff and it is her job now to decide how to react to it.

 

So yeah, I am just curious what you all think. Note that while this girl means a lot to me and quite frankly, I think is "the one" for me (since we broke up I have met a handful of women and they all lack in comparison to this girl), I am fine living my life without her. I don't stay up at night thinking about stuff with her or anything. All I know is this was a person who 16 months ago told me off and implied she never wanted tot alk to me and in the last 4 months she is sending out some funky signals. I personally think she wants to get back together as do people who know the whole story and if she does, I still have no idea why she won't just tell me that,and why she is holding herself back, but is instead playing the mickey mouse games sending me potential signals...I'm getting too old for these types of mickey mouse games.

 

 

Sorry for the length of this post. I have a problem of going on and on when explainging stuff:) Also, sorry for any typos I may have made...I don't wanna proofread this behemoth post.

[Merin]

My eyes, my eyes! My eyes are burning!

Just kidding!

 

You know it sounds to me that you are both playing a lot of mind games here.... she signs onto messenger to see IF you will say hello, you don't say anything to see IF she will initiate a conversation.... this just has to suck for both of you.

 

I really REALLY feel you've given her enough time and space.... for real, a year?

 

It sounds to me like she does want to maybe get back together, but in so many ways it also sounds like the both of you have a lot of pride and neither one wants to be the one to say "I miss you so much and want you back in my life"

 

Pride.... not an easy thing to swallow, I know.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I really do think she wants to try again (Hope i'm not wrong) and at this point I say stop with the games.... stop with the pride.... life is just to short.

 

Call her, better yet arrange a time that you can see her in person and tell her "I have a lot of pride, and I know you do as well.... but I really miss you in my life and I want to give this another chance"

 

Hard to do right? Isn't it harder though to sit and wonder what it is she really wants? harder to hide and mask how you really feel?

 

Hope she says the same back in kind..... swallows her pride and the two of you work on things..... but if she doesn't then you can move on knowing you did all you could including swallowing your pride for someone you love.

[Weird]

Yeah I can see how it seems I am playing games as well...but honestly, I don't think I am. Like I've told this girl my thoughts and feelings twice now in the last 4 months. If I had not said point blank to her "I'm willing to give things another go and know they'd work out" then I could understand her being hesitant but damn, she should know it is fine to say something to me. I think one thing is that she may feel super guilty for telling me off during that big fight in 2003 and even though I have told her in my emails that it is water udner the bridge she still may feel bad and think I'll turn it on her.

 

I agree about the pride thing...both of us are stubborn. I realize I am being somewhat stubborn not just asking her what's up but I personally feel she is being a lot more stubborn waiting for me to AGAIN make the first contact/move. What is crazy is just how she has always been like that with me...afraid to make a move.

 

I just don't want to contact her and have her throw it back in my face and be like "I told you I don't want a relationship. Move on" when I in fact have basically moved on meaning I don't sit there and mope. It just would be nice if for the first time ever I didn't have to initiate everything between us. BUt hey, she is a stubborn person. Always has been and always will be.

 

Chances are my curiosity will lead me to message her and ask her what's upwith the signals. Honestly, I think 95% of the worlds population would say this girl wants to get back together if they knew the whole story. My huge post was a pretty good summarization of it.

 

Thanks for the advice:)

[Merin]

You're welcome!

 

LOL my boyfriend and I tend to do this "dance" as well at times.....

 

PRIDE..... Ugh! LOL!

 

But i'm learning that when I swallow mine on occasion, and just say how I feel (regardless of the outcome) (which I understand is scary sometimes) he (my bf) just seems to not be as hard about things......

 

Gosh, I hate making him feel he is "right" even when I STILL think he is wrong LOL but sometimes...... it just makes me feel better to suck it up.

 

Hope it works out for ya;)

[Weird]

hehe, I wish this girl would say how she feels. She has never been direct and always used to wait for me to make the first moves when it came to anything. I don't get it.

 

Women need to realize it is sexy when they take charge rather than sit there and try and send out signals that a dude has to decipher.

[Merin]

LOL!

 

Ya know got to be careful what you wish for.... I tried the whole being a "hard ass deal" with my bf when he pissed me off.... tried to act like him ya know?

 

Like I didn't care blah blah...... but then when I finally swallowed my pride at one point, it just felt so much better to tell him how I felt, he wasn't a jerk about it and that went well......

 

BUT

 

There are probably a lot of times now when he just wishes I would keep it to myself ha!

[backspn]

You and I Weird are in the exact situation minus the fact that we still remain good friends. She said she needed space so I give her lots of it. I never call her, she always makes the first move on the phone....although usually it is "just wanted to say hi....going to sleep now". I asked her a few months ago if we could have a future together and she told me she didnt think so.....I pressed her a lil more and she admitted that anything is possible. If she didnt want to leave the future open with me then she would call me so much. I havent talked to her in 2 days now and last night she signed on to AIM. She usually stays on for about 3 hours. Like Weird, she sits there and doesnt initiate a hello. Last night she did after 2 nights of not talking with her. We talked about her day and mine. I can see the signs of no conatct...or limited contact can do for a relationship. If the two are close then it can bring them closer with a few months of seperation. I am just starting to do this and already I feel more free. Do I miss her....EVRERNIGHT!! I would say Weird that you should initiate a hello about once a week and I bet that she will do the same. Your girl is JUST like mine......she NEVER makes the first move...she only shows signs that she wants you to. Some girls like the guy to chase them a lil bit....it shows themselves that he really wants it. She might be thinking the same thing you are....she is confused and doesnt want to get burned either.

 

Someone told me in a post the other day....

 

"Do you know the things that make a woman fall in love and stay in love? It's when a man understands and meets her most important emotional needs. Simple!"

 

Solemate said that and I am trying to live by it.