twistedtexan Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 We separated our accounts and and divided our debts and are living apart. We communicated via e-mail and phone regarding these decisions. She has said she needs space. I do not want the relationship to end. To what extent should I communicate with her and by which means? Is sending her e-mails, trying to brighten her day and signing them with "I love you" a bad thing - (flowers, notes, phone calls?)? She's put up a barrier that no matter how hard I try to please her it goes unrecognized or has little effect. Also, Im reading the Love Busters stuff and its all good info, but it requires you to act in order for it to be effective. How can I be active in meeting her EN when she needs space? I guess what Im asking is where should the line be drawn to give her "space" yet still let her know I have hope and want to please her? Link to post Share on other sites
Breathe Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 I'm sure with what you've done and said so far - she KNOWS you love her. Now do the no contact thing and give her the space she wants and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Could you give us more info. How long were you together? How long separated? Kids? What were the events leading up to the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Sorry, just read your previous thread. You must have done alot of damage over the course of your marriage to have her totally shut the door on you. If you are trying as you point out, give it time and she will see the change for the better. Don't cut contact totally but give her space. Don't put the pressure on her with you "I love you's". She may be confused and need time to heal. Small gestures to start and then work your way back to her heart. Keep working your recovery. It is the same in AA as with relationships. You have to work the program and take it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author twistedtexan Posted September 16, 2004 Author Share Posted September 16, 2004 Now she wants to sell the house. F&%$ Do you think it would be bad if I went over to the house and did stuff for her while she was gone that it would be bad? Like yard work/painting etc? Anything to try and get some positive units in there I would think would be good - NO? Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Man, I hear you s***! Stay away from the house for now. Move in with Mom because family in there for you in your time of need. Continue to see a MC. Verbal abuse is not good. To her you are disgusting right now. You have anger issues and you need to work on them. If you continue to make progress she will see it. After all you were the man she wanted to spend her life with. I can tell you are a good guy. You want to work it out but it will take time. If it never happens it was never meant to be. PM me if you want. I have a story similar to you. Link to post Share on other sites
betty garcia Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 dear twistedtexan: just recently read your post. i am also from texas. my husband left and we were married 26yrs. i really don't know how long you were married,but any amount of time with spouse hurts just as much. he says he left,because the marriage has been over for long time. i myself don't feel that way. the only other thing he says is that i had an attitude,but what other people tell me he is the one with the problem. i have no cantact with him,just out in the street. he says he wants it that way. he has provided no spousal support whatsoever. i really feel for you. at present time i am still trying to come to realization that he's gone,and may not come back. take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author twistedtexan Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 I got this in my e-mail this morning. I have decided that I want a divorce. Do you think we can agree on how to separate everything or will we need lawyers? I found some web sites where you can download the forms that have to be turned in to the county clerks office, but both people must agree on the separation terms. I know this is hard. Take some time to think about it and let me know. I dont want a divorce and I dont think that she has put all her effort into any type of reconciliation. But thats neither here nor there. Anything I could say or do to change her mind? Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Sorry to hear about the development. Try to get her into marriage counselling. If she refuses then you go alone. You have to do your best to stay focused and not react in a way that will do more damage. Just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Don't look at is as final. There may still be a chance for you to reconcile. Most states have a cooling off period before divorce can proceed. I'm not sure of Texas, but in most states you may file for divorce pro-se, meaning without a lawyer. This should only be done in an uncontested divorce. You may want to get a consultation with a lawyer to explore your options. Some offer a free consultation but if you have to pay a couple bucks for an hour or two it will serve as an education. Link to post Share on other sites
Author twistedtexan Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 When we first talked about it she wanted to go to counseling. Then 2 weeks later when I got us an appointment, she had withdrawn and said she would not go. A woman mentioned to me that when females go off of a long stint on birth control that they can be a little crazy because of all the hormones and such. Has anyone ever heard of this? My wife went off the pill 2 months ago after being on it for like 8 years. Just searching for any type of explanation for the complete 180 from here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author twistedtexan Posted September 22, 2004 Author Share Posted September 22, 2004 bumping this up. Still wondering if there could be some chemical explanation for some of her actions. I am set to see her tonight. I am very very nervous, but know I must present a calm, cool, and confident exterior while not seeming needy yet hopefull. I just know in my heart that she has made up her mind and nothing I say will change that. I want to ask her questions about why she made this decision. What were the most important factors in her making this decision. How long had she been contemplating this. Did she relay her unhappiness to me and I just not realize it, if so how. Why she refused to see a counselor after she had suggested it. What if anything I could do to rekindle her hope in our marriage. Does she feel that she did everything she could have to make the marriage work. How she would feel about spending time together and working on our marriage. How she would feel about me moving back into the house. I've come to understand so much in just a short time about all of the things we were doing wrong as well as the things we werent attempting or even aware of. I am committed to make this the best marriage that either of us could desire. That together we could forge a discovery of what marriage is really about. Do you think my questions will just push her further away? Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 I can't say about birth control but a chemical imbalance can be to blame for major behavioral changes. My ex was diagnosed bi-polar after our breakup. Good luck tonight! I think you are doing your best and I think you should ask her calmly about everything. Remember to give her space and don't push or prod. She has to deal with it in her own time. You are doing what you need to do for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author twistedtexan Posted September 23, 2004 Author Share Posted September 23, 2004 Now its been 3 days since my wonderful, beautiful, and caring wife told me she wants a divorce. We had scheduled to meet yesterday evening to discuss this development. The entire day was very emotional for me. I was preparing a plan that would allow her to accept me back into her life. I openly wept several times behind my desk, wiping tears from my eyes and acting as if nothing was wrong when a coworker would enter my office. I knew in my heart that hope was lost and nothing I said could bring her back to me. The 7PM meeting time was approaching and I was TERRIFIED! The absolute most scared I had ever been in my life. I vacillated on what was the best course of action. I wanted to know why my lover of 12 years could simply flick the switch of love to "off" in a matter of weeks. Yet I was deathly afraid of hearing the finality of her words. How could I present an exterior facade of confidence, calmness, and strength - when inside there was only despair, longing, & vulnerability? I could actually picture myself throwing up on the table after hearing the inevitable words. I felt sick just thinking about it. How could I have let this happen? STUPID,STUPID,STUPID!!!! Why did you forget what was the most important thing in your life? How could you have taken that treasure for granted? You FOOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 So, how did it go? Not too good I am thinking? Did she give you any chance for reconciliation? It's not time to beat yourself up. What's done is done. It is the future that you should be thinking of. The only constant is change. It is okay to be angry but you need to work it out constructively. Link to post Share on other sites
Author twistedtexan Posted September 23, 2004 Author Share Posted September 23, 2004 I wasnt fit for that meeting. I called her cell and home and left a message saying "I was not going to be able to make it, but that I would talk to her soon." I am getting advice that tells me I shouldnt meet with her at this time. I should give her the month of separation that she asked for. A week to make this decision is in my opinion not enough time for inspection. Therefore I am going on "vacation" and will do NC with her until the month is up. I hope its the right thing to do. Thanks for your help and understanding. ~Twisted Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Good Luck. Hang in there and find someone to talk to. You need to be able to bounce stuff off someone impartial like a shrink, MC, pastor, friend , relative etc.etc.etc. Link to post Share on other sites
L.Carrie Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 WOW, I accidently clicked on your post and decided to read it. I am very sorry for what you are going through, I understand........completely. My husband has done the same exact thing <you can read about mine on does seperation mean it's over? Lonliness takes over> I have been through hell and as I sit here tonight writing this the same thing goes on over and over in my head "I don't know what to do". I sympathize and empathize with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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