my own way Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 If you think snooping around is an invasion of privacy - this may be so. But to not do it to some extent would be to set yourself up to being hurt. You don't have to get a PI to check up on your SO - just keep your eyes and ears open to all things around you. My story - I made the mistake of trusting my husband. I never snooped around because he never gave me any reason not to trust him. Plus, he swore on the lives of our kids that he'd never cheat on me. He lied. He not only cheated but had an emotional affair and one of the women for 8 months in which she had his child. Thus the reason he had to come out to me on this. We're working on our problems - or I should say I am working on dealing with his problems. However, I have begun to put pieces of the puzzle together through "snooping". I found phone records, bank transactions, hotel receipts, pre-paid calling cards, notes etc. I'm in a state of shock now. My snooping around has only made me realize how bad he really was and all the lies are clear. I don't even know who my husband is anymore - it's as if he has a double life. Part of me wishes I would have left things as they were and not know anymore. My desire to conclude the puzzle opened up a whole new can of worms and I no longer feel I can stay with my H. He says he hasn't contact any of the other woman. Maybe not from home or his cell phone that I can tell, but I don't know that he's not doing this from work or pay phones. I can't spend my life checking up on him and watching his every move. The trust is gone. Therefore, I feel I should just leave. I do love him very much and we do have children together - many reasons to stay. I don't think counseling will help either. I can't help but blame myself and wish I would have "snooped" before - checked up on him.... whatever... then maybe I could have caught things and stopped them. However, he's a grown man and made his choices - now I need to make mine. Only I keep going back and forth. Whenever I find some new evidence I get upset again and ready to leave him. Then I calm down and I'm willing to stay and try. My heart and mind are at war. My word of advice to you all - keep your eyes and ears open and if you have the slightest ill feeling that something maybe going wrong - snoop. Link to post Share on other sites
Breathe Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 I feel for you as my life sounds very similar to your story. Only I asked my SO questions when I felt insure about something. What I thought was the truth ended up being lie after lie. He too had another life. I did much like you and went "snooping" for more information to "conclude the puzzle". It worked in bad and good ways. But I look back learning from what has happened and I'm much more cautious today because of it. You will be also. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 I think your advice is terrible and destructive, and I hope no one is influenced by it. Your experiences with your husband in no way entitle you to make baseless conclusions about how a relationship is supposed to work--especially when you don't seem to have the model relationship pulpit to preach from. When you snoop, you destroy the bonds of trust, and you're reducing your relationship from marital to martial. It's a circumvention of communication, an abuse of trust, and it's as inherently destructive as sexual infidelity. Saying that the ends justify the means is just a cop-out. Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEZE..... Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 If a person has nothing to hide, they should have no problem with their significant other "snooping". Though my husband has never given me any reason to snoop (and I have never felt I needed to, so I haven't), I reserve the right to do so at any time, for any reason. The same goes for him. I don't understand how people think they can be married and still live another life. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by PUHLEEEZE..... If a person has nothing to hide, they should have no problem with their significant other "snooping". Sounds like Nazi Germany. Confusing privacy with secrecy is a destructive and narrow viewpoint. Honest Question: How does the action of snooping show anything but mistrust? Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEZE..... Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 dyermaker: Honest Answer: Snooping DOES indicate mistrust. As long as my significant other doesn't give me any reason to mistrust, I will not snoop. But that's not to say that I don't resevere the right to do so under any circumstances. If I wanted a private life, I wouldn't have chosen to share it with another person. My husband and I both feel the same way about this, so it works for us. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by PUHLEEEZE..... If a person has nothing to hide, they should have no problem with their significant other "snooping". Though my husband has never given me any reason to snoop (and I have never felt I needed to, so I haven't), I reserve the right to do so at any time, for any reason. The same goes for him. I don't understand how people think they can be married and still live another life. Privacy is privacy. I do not believe that two people in any type of relationship need to offer up everything to their significant other. My email accounts are mine, and any other password-protected accounts are hands-off to anyone else. I do not believe that it is correct to assume that you have a right to snoop whenever you desire to do so, as this implies a lack of trust, and therefore a problem in the relationship. Simply because one has nothing to hide, does not mean that one should open ones life to any who choose to look into it more carefully. Consider an innocent man being accused of a crime. It would be folly for him, even though he is completely innocent, to talk to a detective, as his words can be misconstrued and used against him. Similarly, if someone browsed through my email conversations, or my cellular phone, innocent information can be misinterpreted which would undoubtedly cause problems. If one is concerned about a significant other, I find it is best to speak to that significant other about any issues bouncing inside of ones head. Link to post Share on other sites
Anais Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 Snooping is natural for human being just like looking at porn pics. It all depends on situation. Everyone knows snooping is bad like lying. But sometimes even lying is important and it can be innocence. Mind can get sick from doubt that is unhealthy. Why not to snoop instead of damaging relationship with argues or unnecessary talks? If you find nothing then all is ok. If you found then you are one of 1000000000 who was fooled, but you stopped it early. And maybe if it is enough early done some marriages could be saved. So try not to snoop as it can hurt your SO. But if your intuition is telling you to do it: Do it in a smart way! Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEZE..... Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 Faux: Those are your boundaries, and if that is what works for you and the person you are with, then that's fine. That's why it is so important to discuss this kind of thing when getting involved with another person. If my husband had told me I would not have access to his e-mail account or passwords etc., I would not have pursued the relationship - and he feels the same way. It's not so much as to what is right or wrong. It's finding someone who thinks about life the same way... Link to post Share on other sites
goodnbad Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 Personally, I don't think it's right to snoop just for the sake of being nosy or insecure (that is, you think your SO is cheating but have no real reason to hold up that belief). However, I WOULD snoop if I had some pretty good reasons to think my SO was cheating. I mean, if I were to find those 'lipstick on the collar'-type things, I would! Why? Because I don't like the idea of having relations with a guy that could be bringing me home a nice dose of VD or worse. Better to be knowledgeable than dead. And also I would rather not deal with the 'other woman' if she was so inclined to make herself prominently known, with myself looking like a dummy for not seeing it coming. I will not be the blind housewife. I would rather my dh left to be with her than to spend his life living a lie with me.....I mean, I deserve more than that and could be out and having a relationship with someone who cares. Why waste my time with someone who really doesn't want to be with me for more than housewife/babysitting services? But then, who am I to give advice? I wouldn't say my own marriage is the greatest (not because of any cheating).......but I prefer being at a standstill for the kids' sake. In any event, I would prefer knowing what was going on, if only to educate myself for, um, future legal reference. goodnbad PS> As for my own dh not having all of my passwords to emails, there is only one he doesn't have. I don't keep it a secret for anything as foolish as cheating. It's mainly for personal reasons. For example, I suffer from an eating disorder, which is NOT something I feel like admitting to anyone in real life. And if I want to share some personal feelings with others that are suffering from the same, I believe I have the right to do so in complete privacy. My dh is not my keeper. So I hope everyone out there understands that sometimes keeping an email private does not always signal cheating behaviour. I would take his other behaviours into account first. Link to post Share on other sites
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