D-Day...maybe

[Goodbye]

I posted my sad tale a few weeks ago when I initiated NC with the MM. As others predicted, the NC didn't hold up. MM contacted me several times and I finally caved and before I knew it we were back to having 5 hour romantic phone conversations.

 

I caught him in a lie. I KNEW he'd been lying to me, as he has his wife. It wasn't a big lie or an important one, but I caught him and it was enough. I had a "melt down" and threatened to email photos/emails to his wife and "out" him because I was sick and tired of being the secret one. He begged me to let him do it and emailed a short while later stating that he had told his wife of his affair. What he told her? Who knows. Who knows if he even DID tell her. We spoke the next day and HE decided NC was in order.."to fix his life". He insisted he wasn't getting rid of me but rather "taking a break" in order to "fix" things.

 

That same day a package arrived from him. He had promised to send me his favorite shirt. I didn't open the package but knew what it was and no doubt there was a lengthy love note enclosed.

 

I stuck it back in the mail knowing that it would arrive at his home on a day his wife would receive it. I know this is bad...but it feels good. And it feels bad that it feels good. Ugh, this emotions are all over the place and make not sense.

[ComingInHot]

Goodbye,

I completely understand the conflict of emotions. It sounds like you did what You needed to do, for You to take a step to make a change in the dynamic of your relationship with MM.

This could mean the A is now out in the open with his W and MM has the opportunity to come clean about his relationship and feelings for you to his W.

I don't see how that could be a bad thing?.?.

 

Give yourself a hug and I hope for you that some sort of stability, decision, forward motion comes from this for you*

 

Are you alright, right now? Can you call someone so you don't have to hang on your own tonight?

[BetrayedH]

Don't play games with his wife, for goodness sake.

 

Just come clean with her and let the chips fall where they may. Where he goes then will be your answer.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. Playing games to hurt him and punish him, make a point, is going to hurt his wife.

 

I certainly hope you'll make yourself available to speak to her if she wants to talk and ask questions about your affair with her husband. Just own your part in it and don't put all the blame on him. You knew he was married and still chose to have an A with him. yes, he lied to you, maybe led you on, but you still chose to believe a guy who has a wife..

 

Anyway, glad your A is over. Grieve the loss and hope you heal well so you can find happiness again with someone else in the future.

[foreverandalways]

Are you concerned that she will know your address once she receives the returned package?

[WakingUp]

Goodbye...

 

I really relate to where you are at right now.

 

I think that you have reached your personal limit with the deception and lies. Maybe it is time to just get the whole thing out in the open. I firmly believe that his wife deserves to know the truth. This is her life too.

 

If you do, make sure it is not from anger or revenge though. She is going to be very hurt by this and the least you can do is be respectful and honest. And if you don't disclose, do not let the affair continue. It is too damaging for everyone involved. Start thinking about what is best for you.

 

I am all for moving forward. Think carefully and do what you must to make things better.

[WakingUp]

Well Pierre I think that posting the package back was an instant reaction to what this man is doing. Its done now. It wasn't thought out, or malicious, or nasty.... just reactionary.

 

And obviously this situation is sending Goodbye over the edge... affairs can do that. I have lived that.

 

That is why it needs to end.

[canuckprincess]

Please get into counseling ASAP!

 

Demanding truthfulness from this man knowing quite well he was going to lie again was not rational.

 

Sending the package to the wife is cruel beyond belief and you are doing this to create chaos in the life of innocent bystanders.

 

Your MM is acting the way 99% of cheaters act, what did you expect?

 

Why do you bring this pain to you?

 

This package will have a devastating harmful painful blow and will make you the evil villain in the movie----the bunny boiler.

Please seek IC.[/QUO

 

All the bs's claim they want the truth no matter what and yet your saying it was cruel for her to send the info, dam wish you people could make up your minds. So question for BS do you really want to know the truth? we know the cheaters would rather you not tell the whole truth.

[wisernow]

Please get into counseling ASAP!

 

Demanding truthfulness from this man knowing quite well he was going to lie again was not rational.

 

Sending the package to the wife is cruel beyond belief and you are doing this to create chaos in the life of innocent bystanders.

 

Your MM is acting the way 99% of cheaters act, what did you expect?

 

Why do you bring this pain to you?

 

This package will have a devastating harmful painful blow and will make you the evil villain in the movie----the bunny boiler.

Please seek IC.[/QUO

 

All the bs's claim they want the truth no matter what and yet your saying it was cruel for her to send the info, dam wish you people could make up your minds. So question for BS do you really want to know the truth? we know the cheaters would rather you not tell the whole truth.

 

I have to admit, I'm baffled by that as well. The consensus as I've seen it told here over and over again, is to inform the BS at all cost. She has most certainly done just that. But... I thought the BS lived in another country away from the cheating MM. How did you get her address to send it to her? Or may e I'm confused, it's happened before.

[ThatJustHappened]

Please get into counseling ASAP!

 

Demanding truthfulness from this man knowing quite well he was going to lie again was not rational.

 

Sending the package to the wife is cruel beyond belief and you are doing this to create chaos in the life of innocent bystanders.

 

Your MM is acting the way 99% of cheaters act, what did you expect?

 

Why do you bring this pain to you?

 

This package will have a devastating harmful painful blow and will make you the evil villain in the movie----the bunny boiler.

Please seek IC.[/QUO

 

All the bs's claim they want the truth no matter what and yet your saying it was cruel for her to send the info, dam wish you people could make up your minds. So question for BS do you really want to know the truth? we know the cheaters would rather you not tell the whole truth.

 

There's a way to tell someone without being cruel. I'm not talking specifically about this poster as it was a bit of a different situation, but in general, sending packages or pictures is pretty classless and cowardly. The right way to tell someone would be to email them, without nasty and unnecessary details, and then answer their initial questions. If they harass you, tell them to stop. If they continue, get a restraining order.

[Goodbye]

Are you concerned that she will know your address once she receives the returned package?

 

 

No, she already knows my contact information. She is able to contact me/find me easily.

[Goodbye]

Please get into counseling ASAP!

 

Demanding truthfulness from this man knowing quite well he was going to lie again was not rational.

 

Sending the package to the wife is cruel beyond belief and you are doing this to create chaos in the life of innocent bystanders.

 

Your MM is acting the way 99% of cheaters act, what did you expect?

 

Why do you bring this pain to you?

 

This package will have a devastating harmful painful blow and will make you the evil villain in the movie----the bunny boiler.

Please seek IC.

 

Seriously, you think seeing a shirt and a note is awful for her? How about if I did as you'd suggested and sent her all my emails and photos...that would be a massive blow. She can see what HER HUSBAND is writing and sending. End of story.

[wanting more]

I don't know that it was cruel. But I guess instead of getting an email saying "I'm having an A with your H" and maybe having him down play it, there really shouldn't be any question if her WS is involved. (although we know the BW in my sitch had things I never thought could be down played yet my brilliant xMM still twisted it but oh we'll)

 

A package he mailed to the OW that she didn't open but mailed to his BW. I'm thinking that's opening the door to the BS I hope if the BS contacts Goodbye that she answers any questions asked honestly.

[Goodbye]

I don't know that it was cruel. But I guess instead of getting an email saying "I'm having an A with your H" and maybe having him down play it, there really shouldn't be any question if her WS is involved. (although we know the BW in my sitch had things I never thought could be down played yet my brilliant xMM still twisted it but oh we'll)

 

A package he mailed to the OW that she didn't open but mailed to his BW. I'm thinking that's opening the door to the BS I hope if the BS contacts Goodbye that she answers any questions asked honestly.

 

 

I didn't mail it to HER. I mailed it back to HIM at their residence. It arrived on a weekend, so there is a good chance she was present when it arrived. Whether or not she opened it....I'll probably never know. But no, I didn't send it to her. Simply "return to sender."

[wisernow]

I didn't mail it to HER. I mailed it back to HIM at their residence. It arrived on a weekend, so there is a good chance she was present when it arrived. Whether or not she opened it....I'll probably never know. But no, I didn't send it to her. Simply "return to sender."

 

Well, I don't see anything wrong with what you did. Return to sender, unopened. I hope the BS did see it, and gets the answers she needs. Too me, it's all the evidence she needs, and there is likely anything he can say to turn this around on you. Meaning, calling you the crazy, bunny boiler OW. It's his shirt, the note is in his handwriting and he mailed it to you.

[ThatJustHappened]

I don't know that it was cruel. But I guess instead of getting an email saying "I'm having an A with your H" and maybe having him down play it, there really shouldn't be any question if her WS is involved. (although we know the BW in my sitch had things I never thought could be down played yet my brilliant xMM still twisted it but oh we'll)

 

A package he mailed to the OW that she didn't open but mailed to his BW. I'm thinking that's opening the door to the BS I hope if the BS contacts Goodbye that she answers any questions asked honestly.

 

No, I don't think this was cruel. I think sending a package out of the blue with pictures or videos or other awful things would be cruel. I think a simple email would do the trick.

[lynn1954]

To Goodbye (the original poster of this message):

 

The key here is that you wanted to break up and go NC, but it didn't work that time.

 

Do you still want to break up and try NC again? If yes, then try again.

 

The whole discussion of whether you shoulda/coulda/woulda regarding the wife, the MM, the shirt package, calls/texts/emails/whatever is already in the past.

 

Try breaking up again. I had to try NC several times, failed several times, and finally I stuck with it. If that's what you want, try the breakup again with renewed determination.

[BetrayedH]

All the bs's claim they want the truth no matter what and yet your saying it was cruel for her to send the info, dam wish you people could make up your minds. So question for BS do you really want to know the truth? we know the cheaters would rather you not tell the whole truth.

 

Of course we want to know the truth. But it's not a game. Odds are that this man just said nothing to his wife and she will now be gaslighted over some damn shirt.

[canuckprincess]

I posted my sad tale a few weeks ago when I initiated NC with the MM. As others predicted, the NC didn't hold up. MM contacted me several times and I finally caved and before I knew it we were back to having 5 hour romantic phone conversations.

 

I caught him in a lie. I KNEW he'd been lying to me, as he has his wife. It wasn't a big lie or an important one, but I caught him and it was enough. I had a "melt down" and threatened to email photos/emails to his wife and "out" him because I was sick and tired of being the secret one. He begged me to let him do it and emailed a short while later stating that he had told his wife of his affair. What he told her? Who knows. Who knows if he even DID tell her. We spoke the next day and HE decided NC was in order.."to fix his life". He insisted he wasn't getting rid of me but rather "taking a break" in order to "fix" things.

 

That same day a package arrived from him. He had promised to send me his favorite shirt. I didn't open the package but knew what it was and no doubt there was a lengthy love note enclosed.

 

I stuck it back in the mail knowing that it would arrive at his home on a day his wife would receive it. I know this is bad...but it feels good. And it feels bad that it feels good. Ugh, this emotions are all over the place and make not sense.

 

Sorry if his wife gets hurts but if she is hurt in my opinion it's not your fault. If your mm didn't respect you enough to honour your NC request then it's all on him. Don't worry he'll talk his way out of it, they always do. I say good for you girl!

[Goodbye]

To Goodbye (the original poster of this message):

 

The key here is that you wanted to break up and go NC, but it didn't work that time.

 

Do you still want to break up and try NC again? If yes, then try again.

 

The whole discussion of whether you shoulda/coulda/woulda regarding the wife, the MM, the shirt package, calls/texts/emails/whatever is already in the past.

 

Try breaking up again. I had to try NC several times, failed several times, and finally I stuck with it. If that's what you want, try the breakup again with renewed determination.

 

Well, as I noted, MM started NC with me after he "told his wife." He put it as he "needs time to figure things out," but yeah...I get it. I am in NC mode. Hurts like hell, but is the only thing I can do and move on with my life.

[Goodbye]

Sorry if his wife gets hurts but if she is hurt in my opinion it's not your fault. If your mm didn't respect you enough to honour your NC request then it's all on him. Don't worry he'll talk his way out of it, they always do. I say good for you girl!

 

 

Somehow I think you are right. He will find a way to talk himself out of it if he decides to do so. But...big sigh....that is his problem and no longer mine. I will, in time, move on and this will not matter to me. Or at least, that is what I'm telling myself.

[BetrayedH]

How is this gaslighting?

She's going to see the package arrive and if she's at all suspicious she's going to open it. I certainly would.

Then she will see a tshirt of her husbands with a love letter in his own handwriting, his own words, that she will recognize.

 

There's not a lot of gaslighting that I think could cover that.

 

To me, it sounds like the perfect disclosure.

 

Who said there was a love note in there? The package was never opened.

 

God forbid everyone just put their cards on the table and let everyone make an informed choice. Returning an unopened package is hardly sharing the truth. It's a bunch of conflict-avoidant and passive-aggressive gamesmanship. Instead of picking up a damn phone, we'll sit here and endlessly hyper-analyze nuanced nonsense.

[Goodbye]

Do it because you have seen the light and want to be different. Don't do it because you are scorned.

 

 

Yes, who knows. Probably a little out of reckoning, and a little out of scorn. Scorn is not an easy emotion to contain. That is for certain.

[awkward]

I think it would have been better to verify his claims of coming clean with his wife. He probably didn't. I think you know that. They say they did so you don't tell. Then they end the affair to work on the marriage. Blah, blah, blah.

 

Telling her yourself ensures that she gets your version of the truth. Instead, she might or might not, get a box that, may or may not, have his shirt in it. and may or may not have a love note in it.

 

And he can gaslight her over this. Cheaters lie really well. He will make the OP out to be some kind of crazy person. If his BS trusts him, she will believe him. Once she realizes he is a liar, that is another story.

 

Anyways, if you want to make sure your MM's wife knows, the best thing to do is tell her either in person or on the phone. If you send a text, email, Facebook message, package, snail mail etc. MM can intercept those. If you don't care if she knows but just want MM to know you are done, then sending the package back will give him a small clue. If he contacts you, tell him to shove it and block, block, block him for your own sanity.

 

What is done is done. So moving forward, I hope you are able to heal quickly.

[BetrayedH]

She said it. I assume that she knows the man better than we do and what the package was likely to contain.

In my case I guarantee there would have been a note. I've never received a package from my MM without there being a note in there that left no question as to what exactly was going on.

I said it before and I'll say it again, it's not up to OW/OM to have greater responsibility to share the truth more than it should be on the WS. The OP was going on the info that the WS shared and returned his stuff. Either way what's done is done and hopefully the WS told the truth so she's not blindsided and if she was, well, now she knows anyway.

 

We'll just have to agree to disagree, LFH. I think saying that "now she knows" is a huge stretch of an assumption. And personally, I do care about the BS in this situation; I'm not a fan of the Pontius Pilate approach. But we will never convince one another on that subject so I'll bow out having said what I intended to say.