hk27 Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Long story - bear with me! I have been best friends with this woman for 17 years (since the 4th grade), we'll call her Beth, and I love her like a sister. She has had some really crappy things happen to her, some due to some bad decisions, but hey, we've all been there. She was in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship with a drug addict/alcoholic for years, which ended tragically about 5 years ago. Since then, she's had 1 or 2 boyfriends, and then got into a relationship with a guy for about 1-1/2 years, but ended it when he too became physically abusive. And I was so proud of her! She was standing up for herself and wasn't going to repeat this pattern. But it was only about 2 weeks after she broke that off, and she got into her current relationship. And this one is a doozy. They've been together about 6 months now, and it is like he's got a split personallity almost. He can be 2 different people. One (the guy he first met) is sweet and attentive, and everything that she wants. But then, a month or so ago, she and her daughter move in with him, and he becomes this totally different person. He doesn't hardly even talk to her, and when he does, it is usually asking about what she is making for dinner, or if the house is in order. So, one night she decided that that was bulls##t, and she is leaving him. And she tells me, "I need to get out now, I see it in him, he will hit me someday." But then she goes home that night, and he tells her how much he loves her and he is sorry for the way he's been treating her, and blah blah blah, and she stays with him. I ask her, about what she said about him hitting her one day, and her excuse is that if he was going to hit her, he would have done it that night because he was so mad at her. So things go good for another couple of weeks, and then he goes back to being the jerk, and she says again, she is going to leave him. And again! She goes back! The problem that I am having at this point is that I am at a loss as to how to be a good friend to her. I don't like this guy, and I can't support her being with him, but I don't want to turn my back on her. Any advice??? Link to post Share on other sites
Wellnowuknow Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Let him hit her she's not gonna learn untill she has a black eye and then you can hold the icebag on her eye for her and buy her 5 dollar shades to hide the purple. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Unfortunately, this is her life and she can live it as she sees fit. She has already told you that she is concerned something bad might happen with this guy, but she for some reason chooses to be with him. You can still be her friend, and you definitely do not need to like this man or support her choice for being with him. It might actually be best if you express to her that you do not wish to hear about this man any longer. I think that all you can do is remind her of what she said, and how this man wavers between two extreme personalities. You cannot make her leave him, and you cannot prevent him from doing whatever it is he wants to. If worse comes to worse, you can still be there for your friend, but right now I think you have already done what you can by expressing your concerns to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Have you seen him act like a jerk with her? Maybe she's traumatized from her prior relationships. If he is a jerk all you can do is support her. Unfortunately, you can't make the decision for her to leave him. Remind her that she has a daughter and that's not a healthy environment for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hk27 Posted September 16, 2004 Author Share Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by naive_2001 Have you seen him act like a jerk with her? Maybe she's traumatized from her prior relationships. If he is a jerk all you can do is support her. Unfortunately, you can't make the decision for her to leave him. Remind her that she has a daughter and that's not a healthy environment for her. Oh yeah, that is pretty much all I've seen of him, is the jerk side. And I have tried to tell her that it isn't just about her - it is about her daughter, too. I just feel helpless... it is hard to just sit back and wait for it to end badly... and it will. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 It's sad that sometimes it takes something real bad to happen for someone to realize how bad things really were. I hope for her child's sake that she gets out of that relationship pronto. If she's already been in a couple of relationships that went bad she should learn from them and not let it happen again. I know that you as her friend which you could do more, but unfortunately you can't. All you can do is offer advice and hope that she listens. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Just be there for her when it goes sour. You're her friend not his. I know it's hard to bite the tongue sometimes. She knows how you feel about him so just let her know, know matter what you love her and are there for her whenever she needs you...Cuz sounds like someday soon she will. And I agree with Faux. Don't discuss him, concentrate on something else, go and enjoy eachother-do some fun girl friend stuff!! Hope this helps abit for you. All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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