marriage problems

[nina]

Please help me because I don't know what to do. I have been married for 9 years, but with him for a total of 16, we have three kids. We have been having troubles in the marriage because a lot of stressful events happened to us in the space of 18 months; moving to another country, death in the family, etc.

 

My husband got a new job in another city, and has been away from us for only four weeks. After the first week, he told me he didn't love me, and that a girl from work was interested in him. The next week he told me they are having an affair.

 

The thing is, we are supposed to join him in the other city very soon and even after he told me all of this, we got together yesterday, looking for schools and a new house. While we did, he got a phone call from "someone" who was screaming at him, because I heard it all. What do I do? My choices are to go back to Australia, or to go to him, not knowing the future. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to cope with this. Our three kids are a huge concern for me. They are 7, 4 and 3 and adore their dad.

[Nic]

I think, if your husband is willing, you should seriously consider seeing a marriage counsellor.

 

For instance, what does he mean when he says she doesn't love you anymore? it can mean any or all of the following: I no longer have sexual feelings for you; I feel neglected by you; I'm angry with you; I no longer believe what you say; I don't think I can rely on you; I'm in love with someone else; I can't think of anything but myself right now; I'm so tired that I can't feel any of my feelings. These are all possibilities that might emerge - but only if you take his words seriously and create a space for unpacking their significance. allow him a sense of what is important and/or a priority, to be heard instead of imposing your own.

 

there may be other factors that are influencing his feelings for you, such as psychological trauma due to the death in the family, upheaving to another country or some unresolved conflict between the two of you, which might explain a sudden change in his feelings for you. deal with that and maybe you'll be able to save the relationship. but sometimes, relationships just aren't able to stay the course.

 

each problem needs to be dealt with on its own. You don't say how well the two of you communicate, but my guess is the communication lines have broken down somewhat due to all the stress. reopen them and ask him why he thinks his feelings have changed. very few people have affairs solely for the thrill. it usually goes a lot deeper than that. Maybe he feels he couldn't talk to you and the pressures became too much that he thought he found an escape in this other person. you need to clarify these things if there is any chance of reconciling and moving on, and if there's not, it's better to end it and let some kind of healing process get going instead.

 

it is possible to rebuild a marriage after an affair and to re-establish trust - even though right now that might seem impossible to believe. the key is complete honesty on both sides, admitting to the affair, and a desire on both sides to make things work. you don't say how your husband has reacted to your discovery of his cheating. he will need to be committed to a process of healing, because during that process he will have to face up to your anger and disappointment, and that's not an easy thing to do.

 

because the process of recovery from an affair is so potentially painful, it is best done with the support of an experienced couples' counsellor.

 

as for the children, it's true that divorce hurts kids badly. but, so does living in a bad marriage. even if you're careful not to quarrel in front of the children, the tension and lack of love will be evident and will affect them, providing a poor model of relationships for them to work on as they get older.

 

children of either sex may be drawn into taking sides in family conflicts and be pulled across the boundary that should divide grown-up stuff from child stuff in the family. so don't just assume that staying together is in their best interests - it's not as simple as that. they will benefit from whatever creates the most peace between you and your husband, and sometimes peace requires separation. they will still adore their dad, and their dad will still adore them. parent/child love is unconditional.

 

challenge your husband to go to a marriage counsellor with you, or go alone - it might be better to go alone at first while you try to get some clarity about your goals. some counsellors, though, will not see one partner alone if there is any possibility of working with the couple, so talk through the various options before making an appointment.

[Deejette]

For the sake of the children it is important to do everything you can to save the marriage. This affair may just be a fling and he will regret it horribly if you divorce him and he misses the kids and you after the affair goes sour.

 

My own tendency would be to let him go and tell him I would never tolerate him being with another woman and being with me at the same time. But because of the kids, it is worth it to do what you can to bring the marriage back together again, even to the point of speaking with his new girlfriend.

 

The fact that she was hollering at him over the phone may be interpreted as her putting pressure on him to leave you. Things may not be all that honky-dory between him and her anyway. He may grow tired of all the pressure and decisions he has to make and come back to you, more committed than ever.

I think, if your husband is willing, you should seriously consider seeing a marriage counsellor.

 

For instance, what does he mean when he says she doesn't love you anymore? it can mean any or all of the following: I no longer have sexual feelings for you; I feel neglected by you; I'm angry with you; I no longer believe what you say; I don't think I can rely on you; I'm in love with someone else; I can't think of anything but myself right now; I'm so tired that I can't feel any of my feelings. These are all possibilities that might emerge - but only if you take his words seriously and create a space for unpacking their significance. allow him a sense of what is important and/or a priority, to be heard instead of imposing your own. there may be other factors that are influencing his feelings for you, such as psychological trauma due to the death in the family, upheaving to another country or some unresolved conflict between the two of you, which might explain a sudden change in his feelings for you. deal with that and maybe you'll be able to save the relationship. but sometimes, relationships just aren't able to stay the course.

 

each problem needs to be dealt with on its own. You don't say how well the two of you communicate, but my guess is the communication lines have broken down somewhat due to all the stress. reopen them and ask him why he thinks his feelings have changed. very few people have affairs solely for the thrill. it usually goes a lot deeper than that. Maybe he feels he couldn't talk to you and the pressures became too much that he thought he found an escape in this other person. you need to clarify these things if there is any chance of reconciling and moving on, and if there's not, it's better to end it and let some kind of healing process get going instead. it is possible to rebuild a marriage after an affair and to re-establish trust - even though right now that might seem impossible to believe. the key is complete honesty on both sides, admitting to the affair, and a desire on both sides to make things work. you don't say how your husband has reacted to your discovery of his cheating. he will need to be committed to a process of healing, because during that process he will have to face up to your anger and disappointment, and that's not an easy thing to do. because the process of recovery from an affair is so potentially painful, it is best done with the support of an experienced couples' counsellor.

 

as for the children, it's true that divorce hurts kids badly. but, so does living in a bad marriage. even if you're careful not to quarrel in front of the children, the tension and lack of love will be evident and will affect them, providing a poor model of relationships for them to work on as they get older. children of either sex may be drawn into taking sides in family conflicts and be pulled across the boundary that should divide grown-up stuff from child stuff in the family. so don't just assume that staying together is in their best interests - it's not as simple as that. they will benefit from whatever creates the most peace between you and your husband, and sometimes peace requires separation. they will still adore their dad, and their dad will still adore them. parent/child love is unconditional. challenge your husband to go to a marriage counsellor with you, or go alone - it might be better to go alone at first while you try to get some clarity about your goals. some counsellors, though, will not see one partner alone if there is any possibility of working with the couple, so talk through the various options before making an appointment.