Past feelings for a female friend..

[Mzl]

Hello, I'm new to this board but have being lurking around looking for some advice, and I can't seem to find anyone in the same situation who isn't in high school or there abouts that age.

 

The advice I am seeking is about a old friend and now boyfriend and his past romanic feelings for another mutual female friend who is now his best friend...

 

Now some background, I like to think of myself as a rational and logical lady, I'm academic and creative yet sometimes come across as an educated idiot. I'm a bit scatty sometimes and do occasionally let my emotions get the better of me, but I always let myself step back and look at a situation, apart from this one which I find so difficult to detach from even though I do try.

 

I'm with a man who, to me, is pretty much perfect apart from one little thing(okay, it's a big thing to me) that has been nagging me constantly. I have never felt this way about anyone, even in the past when I thought I was in love doesn't quite amount to what I feel now.

 

I have been friends with this man for 5 years, I always admired him from a distance but there was never really a time appropriate to make a move until last year, and things have gone pretty quickly since then, we've moved in together and I've even think he is the one that I could see myself having children with(I've never wanted children before, whenever I heard a female friend was pregnant I was like 'oh dear', I know alot of people romantise the idea of having children and the old cliche of 'you have no idea how much hard work it is before you have them' and I think I do understand, but now I don't care), but there's one thing that really bugs me, his 'bestfriend' is someone a female friend he used to fancy, and she's my friend too, I'm not as close to her as him, but I can she she's a lovely girl and a good laugh, I hold nothing against her, I definetly don't hate her because she's pretty much innocent in all of this.

 

Anyway, the way I found out my partner used to fancy her, well I kind of had an incline that he had a bit of a soft spot for her and brushed it aside because I think everyone has someone like that in there lives, and boys are boys, yadda yadda, but it was my friend(let's call him Ian) told me when he was drunk at one of our get togethers, Ian said that my partner used to really, really fancy her but could never do anything as he is friends with her ex-boyfriend. Well, that was it, I started to see it, the way he glanced at her all the time, what I used to see as friendly banter I started to see as flirting. I didn't get a chance to speak with my partner that evening because of the party, it wasn't really appropriate. But that evening when I was resting my drunken eyes he was inviting her to move in with us! He offered my bedroom to her(I know you may find this strange but I have my own room for all my art work and clothes because I think it's important to keep your own identity in a relationship), my bedroom.

 

I mentioned all this to him the next day and he got cross, saying that he used to like her but no longer, and I had nothing to worry about, however he was really cross about it, he was cross with my friend Ian for mentioning it, I was really upset and crying about it, but we put it aside and carried on. But since then more things have accured..

 

He had straight blank ignored me and gone to chat to her in the pub, claiming he didn't know I was speaking to him(I do have a soft voice in public places), and other people have noticed that too.

 

He texts her and deletes the messages(Okay, he's seen me check his phone which I know isn't right but I can't help it!)

 

He was drunk one evening at the pub when I'd finished work at another bar I work at, saw him hugging her and getting rather close and being all flirty and ****, and from where I was standing it looked like a little peck on the lips had taken place, and when I mentioned it he got really cross about it and left me alone the whole evening.

 

And this evening when I was out with my grieving mother(I've just lost my father), and after what he know's how I feel about him seeing this lady, he was with her alone at a pub. I was so cross and upset when he told me I hung up the phone. He rang me several times which I ignored, knowing it would only upset me further. When I'd calmed down I rang him back and he'd switched off his mobile phone, he lied to me and said it had run out of battery because when I got home I turned his phone on and it had battery life.

 

Last week when we we're arguing about this, and I got really upset about that, and I was upset about recently loosing my dad he went to record some music with his band(which his female friend is the singer of) saying he didn't want to let them down because they'd payed for it, but I felt so let down and cut up.

 

I've felt so cut about this situation, and loosing my dad, I don't know if I'm projecting my grief onto this, or if I actually have a point.

 

He says I need to trust him, and I'm really trying, and I don't think for a second he'd do anything to anyone, let alone me, to hurt people. But I wouldn't put it past two drunken people to make a stupid mistake.

 

And you have to know my partner is the loveliest of men, I knew him before we went out, and all out mutual friends agree, but bless him he's not the best communicator with emotions, and I'm quite good at expressing my feelings and thoughts when I'm calm and rational.

 

I just want to know, am I over reacting by being cross and hurt by it(it is the only thing we ever, ever argue about) or do I have a point and should get out before it's too late and get my heart smashed?

 

Thank you to who ever read, advice would be so so so helpful.

 

x

[miss_jaclynrae]

You are not over reacting.

 

 

 

That **** wouldn't fly in my relationship.

I am ok with female friends [my man is friends with women he dated, so I can relate on some scale] but there are certain lines that he has NEVER crossed and I wouldn't tolerate it if he did.

 

 

 

Not to mention him asking her to move in. HELL NO.

I would be livid.

Also, even if NOTHING was to ever actually happen, it is still extremely disrespectful to you and isn't appropriate.

 

 

Also the way he gets cross when you bring up how you feel to me makes me sad for you. I know how ****ty that can feel, and I refuse to tolerate that. Has he made any inclination that he understands?

[Mzl]

Thank you Miss Jaclynrae, you know, I'm not sure he does really understand how much it really upsets me, I think he thinks I'm being an hysterical woman about it, and I have tried so hard to see it from his point, and I do to an extent if all he says is true. You see I usually date these academic lefty and freakishly intellectual types(not that my man isn't clever) who are usually very good at communicating but are often massive jerks just the same. When I bring it up he stutters and get's cross, I don't know if it's the frustration of not being able to get his words out, or he's cross at what I have brought up, maybe both. He has said he understands, but he usual is cross when he is saying it. I used to get angry/cross about it, shout about it but I know how easily that can be turned around on me, and suddenly being the angry bad guy.

 

Last time I brought it up when I thought I saw them kissing(even if they weren't they we're still too close for comfort) I was so calm about it, I waited till he was on his own, took him outside and calmly said 'I don't like that, it upsets me', The next thing I know he's stormed off and shouting about it to said female friend and his sister who started having a go at me.

 

I'm just at a total loss here..

 

When I came home this evening he was in bed alseep(it was about 9.30pm over here), when I tried to wake him up and didn't even mention anything about him being with this girl because I knew he would be cross, he still snapped at me.

 

You know writing this all down is really helping, but I'm still at a loss of what to do

[miss_jaclynrae]

Thank you Miss Jaclynrae, you know, I'm not sure he does really understand how much it really upsets me, I think he thinks I'm being an hysterical woman about it, and I have tried so hard to see it from his point, and I do to an extent if all he says is true. You see I usually date these academic lefty and freakishly intellectual types(not that my man isn't clever) who are usually very good at communicating but are often massive jerks just the same. When I bring it up he stutters and get's cross, I don't know if it's the frustration of not being able to get his words out, or he's cross at what I have brought up, maybe both. He has said he understands, but he usual is cross when he is saying it. I used to get angry/cross about it, shout about it but I know how easily that can be turned around on me, and suddenly being the angry bad guy.

 

Last time I brought it up when I thought I saw them kissing(even if they weren't they we're still too close for comfort) I was so calm about it, I waited till he was on his own, took him outside and calmly said 'I don't like that, it upsets me', The next thing I know he's stormed off and shouting about it to said female friend and his sister who started having a go at me.

 

I'm just at a total loss here..

 

When I came home this evening he was in bed alseep(it was about 9.30pm over here), when I tried to wake him up and didn't even mention anything about him being with this girl because I knew he would be cross, he still snapped at me.

 

You know writing this all down is really helping, but I'm still at a loss of what to do

 

 

Time for a re-evaluation as to if this is something you truly want.

 

There are definitely men out there who DON'T do such things.

[Mzl]

I know, my other boyfriends would never do such things, but they also wouldn't be as sweet and kind as he is(apart from this,obviously). Maybe I've just gone out with puerile jerks and he seems like an angle in comparison. Part of me wants to make him choose between me and her, but I don't want to be a yoko ono, and I don't want out friendship group to become weird...what should I do?

[miss_jaclynrae]

I know, my other boyfriends would never do such things, but they also wouldn't be as sweet and kind as he is(apart from this,obviously). Maybe I've just gone out with puerile jerks and he seems like an angle in comparison. Part of me wants to make him choose between me and her, but I don't want to be a yoko ono, and I don't want out friendship group to become weird...what should I do?

 

You need to write down what you are ok with and what you aren't ok with.

 

 

Writing it out always helps.

Then sit him down and tell him what bothers you, if he TRULY cares about you he will understand.

Let him know how it makes you feel if he asks why, and make it clear that if he isn't willing to do the things you want him to that you don't feel like you can be with him.

 

 

It sucks, and I really hope he pulls his head out of his ass. Don't let him make you feel crazy, that is just manipulative behavior, you aren't crazy, I fully believe he is crossing some serious lines and if he isn't willing to cross back over and STAY in front rather than behind them... then maybe he isn't for you.

[Mzl]

Thank you, I will take your advice and post how it goes. It has really helped me alot.

[Cutiepie1976]

I have to agree with miss jackie. I have no issue with opposite gender friends, but this is not a platonic friendship. This is a problem. If she would have him, he would be with her. If they aren't together, it's only because she (not he) doesn't want that.

 

It's also concerning that he gets angry and essentially prioritizes this friendship over you and your feelings, to the point where he seems willing to risk losing his relationship with you.

 

No one can tell you what to do. You will have to decide whether you deserve greater respect and consideration than you are getting from this guy. I can assure that most men do not behave this way in a relationship. There are much better men out there, but you have to believe you deserve better.

[Mzl]

Thanks cutiepie, well I have intentionally left this thread open on his computer, maybe it's a bit passive but it's a way of getting my point across as well as having some back up that it isn't just me and I'm not being an hysterical woman, and this kind of behavior in a committed relationship isn't on. All though I love him to pieces if he ever does prioritize his friendship with her over me again, get's cross at me for expecting a little bit of respect well that'll be it. I do deserve not to be treated like that, and I definitely deserve not to be treated like the guilty party or that bad guy when it's been brought up. If he wants to talk to me calmly about it, or write down his thoughts I'll be there.

 

Thanks for the help and support guys.

[reaver]

No you are not overreacting.

 

I read up until the part where when you brought this up to him and he said you were being cross. That right there says what you need to know. Instead of dealing with the situation he just deflected the blame back onto you. This guy doesnt care about your feelings. If he did he would be worried that you think he likes another girl and he would change his actions.

 

You are right- most people will have a crush like this in their lives. Ive had one. We have never been together though because the timing is off. You know what I did when I got a boyfriend after? None of this **** that your guy is doing. He is rude and disrespectful. You should dump him but its ultimately your choice.

 

I dont care if Im madly in love with a guy who does something like this, its so rude. Once I dated a guy I really really liked from my work and when I found out he lied to me several times about his ex and did some things like you described, I dropped him like a hot potato. He is still chasing after me, and he has a girlfriend now too. Guys like this are idiots